Notes

Epigraph

It is not the presence Freud, A. (1965). Normality and Pathology in Childhood: Assessments of development. Madison, WI: International Universities Press, pp. 135–36.

For the ease of the reader, I twice removed the term ego from this quotation as it has an idiosyncratic meaning in psychoanalytic texts, and removing it does not alter the meaning of Ms. Freud’s words.

Introduction

symptoms of chronic tension Anderson, N. B., Belar, C. D., Breckler, S. J., et al. (2014). Stress in America™: Are teens adopting adults’ stress habits? (Rep.). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

experiencing emotional problems Collishaw, S. (2015). Annual research review: Secular trends in child and adolescent mental health. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 56 (3), 370–93.

Mojtabai, R., Olfson, M., and Han, B. (2016). National trends in the prevalence and treatment of depression in adolescents and young adults. Pediatrics 138 (6), e20161878.

anxious is on the rise Calling, S., Midlov, P., Johansson, S-E., et al. (2017). Longitudinal trends in self-reported anxiety. Effects of age and birth cohort during 25 years. BMC Psychiatry 17 (1), 1–11.

Tate, E. (2017, March 29). Anxiety on the rise. Retrieved from insidehighered.com/​news/​2017/​03/​29/​anxiety-and-depression-are-primary-concerns-students-seeking-counseling-services.

psychological stress and tension Burstein, M., Beesdo-Baum, K., He, J.-P., and Merikangas, K. R. (2014). Threshold and subthreshold generalized anxiety disorder among US adolescents: Prevalence, sociodemographic, and clinical characteristics. Psychological Medicine 44 (11), 2351–62.

Merikangas, K. R., He, J., Burstein, M., et al. (2010). Lifetime prevalence of mental disorders in US adolescents: Results from the national comorbidity study—adolescent supplement (NCS-A). Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 49 (10), 980–89.

Kessler, R. C., Avenevoli, S., Costello, E. J., et al. (2012). Prevalence, persistence, and sociodemographic correlates of DSM-IV disorders in the national comorbidity survey replication adolescent supplement. Archives of General Psychiatry 69 (4), 372–80.

31 percent of girls Calling, S., Midlov, P., Johansson, S-E., et al. (2017). Longitudinal trends in self-reported anxiety. Effects of age and birth cohort during 25 years. BMC Psychiatry 17 (1), 1–11.

The gender ratios reported by Calling and colleagues are echoed in the study by Kessler and colleagues, which finds that anxiety disorders are between 1.5 and 2.5 times more likely to occur in girls than in boys.

symptoms of psychological strain Anderson, Belar, Breckler, et al. (2014).

jumped by 55 percent Fink, E., Patalay, P., Sharpe, H., et al. (2015). Mental health difficulties in early adolescence: A comparison of two cross-sectional studies in England from 2009–2014. Journal of Adolescent Health 56 (5), 502–7.

faster pace in girls Calling, Midlov, Johansson, et al. (2017).

Van Droogenbroeck, F., Spruyt, B., and Keppens, G. (2018). Gender differences in mental health problems among adolescents and the role of social support: Results from the Belgian health interview surveys 2008 and 2013. BMC Psychiatry 18 (1), 1–9.

from thirteen to seventeen Mojtabai, R., Olfson, M., and Han, B. (2016). National trends in the prevalence and treatment of depression in adolescents and young adults. Pediatrics 138 (6), e20161878.

three times more likely Breslau, J., Gilman, S. E., Stein, B. D., et al. (2017). Sex differences in recent first-onset depression in an epidemiological sample of adolescents. Translational Psychiatry 7 (5), e1139.

43 percent more likely American College Health Association. (2014). American College Health Association—National College Health Assessment II: Reference group executive summary. Hanover, MD: American College Health Association.

seeing something new Collishaw. (2015).

simply more willing MacLean, A., Sweeting, H., and Hunt, K. (2010). “Rules” for boys, “guidelines” for girls. Social Science and Medicine 70 (4), 597–604.

doing in school Giota, J., and Gustafsson, J. (2017). Perceived demands of schooling, stress and mental health: Changes from grade 6 to grade 9 as a function of gender and cognitive ability. Stress and Health 33 (3), 253–66.

how they look Zimmer-Gembeck, M., Webb, H., Farrell, L., and Waters, A. (2018). Girls’ and boys’ trajectories of appearance anxiety from age 10 to 15 years are associated with earlier maturation and appearance-related teasing. Development and Psychopathology 30 (1), 337–50.

to be cyberbullied Kessel Schneider, S., O’Donnell, L., and Smith, E. (2015). Trends in cyberbullying and school bullying victimization in a regional census of high school students. The Journal of School Health 85 (9), 611–20.

dwell on the emotional injuries Paquette, J. A., and Underwood, M. K. (1999). Gender differences in young adolescents’ experiences of peer victimization: Social and physical aggression. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly 45 (2), 242–66.

age of puberty for girls Biro, F. M., Galvez, M. P., Greenspan, L. C., et al. (2010). Pubertal assessment method and baseline characteristics in a mixed longitudinal study of girls. Pediatrics 126 (3), e583–90.

thongs and push-up bikini tops Zurbriggen, E. L., Collins, R. L., Lamb, S., et al. (2007). Report on the APA task force on the sexualization of girls. Executive summary. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Abercrombie and Fitch sells push-up bikini tops to little girls. (2011, March 28). Retrieved from parenting.com/​article/​abercrombie-fitch-sells-push-up-bikinis-to-little-girls.

Chapter One: Coming to Terms with Stress and Anxiety

demonstrate higher-than-average Wu, G., Feder, A., Cohen, A., et al. (2013). Understanding resilience. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience 7 (10), 1–15.

three distinct domains Psychologists also recognize the important category of traumatic stress, which applies to overwhelming, upsetting events that completely outmatch an individual’s coping abilities, a critical topic that exceeds the scope of this book.

event that requires adaptation Buccheri, T., Musaad, S., Bost, K. K., et al. (2018). Development and assessment of stressful life events subscales—A preliminary analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders 226, 178–87.

daily hassles triggered Johnson, J. G., and Sherman, M. F. (1997). Daily hassles mediate the relationship between major life events and psychiatric symptomatology: Longitudinal findings from an adolescent sample. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 16 (4), 389–404.

Enduring chronic stress Kim, P., Evans, G. W., Angstadt, M., et al. (2013). Effects of childhood poverty and chronic stress on emotion regulatory brain function in adulthood. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 110 (46), 18442–47.

two grave and persistent Compas, B. E., Desjardins, L., Vannatta, K., et al. (2014). Children and adolescents coping with cancer: Self- and parent reports of coping and anxiety/depression. Health Psychology 33 (8), 853–61.

Compas, B. E., Forehand, R., Thigpen, J., et al. (2015). Efficacy and moderators of a family group cognitive-behavioral preventive intervention for children of depressed parents. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 83 (3), 541–53.

Almost simultaneously Actually, there’s an extremely long-running debate in the history of psychology about where emotions come from. In the late 1800s William James, a man dubbed the “Father of American Psychology” (and whom you might also know as the brother of the novelist Henry), proposed that we make decisions about what we are feeling based on our physical sensations or, in his words, “organic changes, muscular and visceral” [James, W. (1894). The physical basis of emotion. Psychological Review 1 (7), 516–29]. Put simply, when our heart starts to gallop, we realize that we must feel afraid.

Since then, several modifications to James’s theory have been proposed. Some psychologists have argued that our physical and emotional reactions occur simultaneously, not in sequence, while others have pointed out that we often rely on situational cues to decide what to make of our physical sensations [Moors, A. (2009). Theories of emotion causation. Cognition and Emotion 23 (4), 625–62]. For instance, a girl who is exercising will likely interpret her pounding heart as a sign that she’s getting a good workout. But if her heart starts racing when she’s next up to give a speech, she may conclude that she’s feeling anxious. Theoretical debates aside, all psychologists agree that physical and emotional experiences are closely intertwined, and that our interpretation of our physical reactions can determine whether we experience anxiety (“I’m panicking! I’m gonna blow this speech!”) or another emotion altogether (“Wow, I must be very excited about giving this speech!”).

a cardiac event Fleet, R. P., Lavoie, K. L., Martel, J., et al. (2003). Two-year follow-up status of emergency department patients with chest pain: Was it panic disorder? Canadian Journal of Emergency Medicine 5 (4), 247–54.

nearly 30 percent Kessler, R. C., Chiu, W. T., Jin, R., et al. (2006). The epidemiology of panic attacks, panic disorder, and agoraphobia in the national comorbidity survey replication. Archives of General Psychiatry 63 (4), 415–24.

we diagnose panic disorder You may have noted that obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are not included among the anxiety disorders addressed here. Though anxiety is a critical feature of both disorders, they are no longer classified with the anxiety disorders as of the publication of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) in 2013. PTSD now belongs to a new category, trauma and stressor-related disorders, and OCD belongs to another new category, obsessive-compulsive and related disorders. The relocation of these diagnoses highlights two important facts.

First, psychological and psychiatric diagnosis does not “cleave nature at its joints,” as Carl Linnaeus, an eighteenth-century scholar, hoped scientific taxonomies might do. The boundaries between the various psychological disorders are often blurry and the decision to locate a diagnosis with one group or another can be somewhat arbitrary. For example, anorexia nervosa is housed, not surprisingly, with the feeding and eating disorders, but the argument is occasionally made that it has more in common with obsessive-compulsive phenomena (e.g., the obsessive belief that one is overweight and the accompanying behavioral compulsion to diet and/or exercise to excess).

Second, anxiety is a component in a great number of disorders that make their home outside of the anxiety disorders section of the DSM-5. Given that anxiety alerts us when something is amiss, it makes sense that anxiety appears on the symptom lists for distressing afflictions such as depression with anxious distress, illness anxiety disorder (hypochondria in layperson’s terms), and borderline personality disorder. Even when anxiety doesn’t play the lead role in a diagnosis, it often has a supporting part.

can run in families We know that some anxiety disorders are more likely to run in families than others and that genes appear to play an especially potent role in panic disorder.

Reif, A., Richter, J., Straube, B., et al. (2014). MAOA and mechanisms of panic disorder revisited: From bench to molecular psychotherapy. Molecular Psychiatry 19 (1), 122–28.

tailored and systematic approach Stewart, R. E., and Chambless, D. L. (2009). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for adult anxiety disorders in clinical practice: A meta-analysis of effectiveness studies. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 77 (4), 595–606.

outside of our awareness Göttken, T., White, L. O., Klein, A. M., et al. (2014). Short-term psychoanalytic child therapy for anxious children: A pilot study. Psychotherapy 51 (1), 148–58.

twice as likely as boys McLean, C. P., and Anderson, E. R. (2009). Brave men and timid women? A review of the gender differences in fear and anxiety. Clinical Psychology Review 29 (6), 496–505.

premenstrual hormonal shifts Farange, M. A., Osborn, T. W., and McLean, A. B. (2008). Cognitive, sensory, and emotional changes associated with the menstrual cycle: A review. Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics 278 (4), 299–307.

drop in estrogen Kaspi, S. P., Otto, M. W., Pollack, M. H., et al. (1994). Premenstrual exacerbation of symptoms in women with panic disorder. Journal of Anxiety Disorders 8 (2), 131–38.

sustain or exacerbate Nillni, Y. I., Toufexis, D. J., and Rohan, K. J. (2011). Anxiety sensitivity, the menstrual cycle, and panic disorder: A putative neuroendocrine and psychological interaction. Clinical Psychology Review 31 (7), 1183–91.

passed down to daughters Genetic models also help to explain why girls are especially anxiety-prone, though research in this area still has a lot of room to grow. For now, we know that the genetic vulnerability to anxiety disorders likely involves several genes working in concert.

Hettema, J. M., Prescott, C. A., Myers, J. M., et al. (2005). The structure of genetic and environmental risk factors for anxiety disorders in men and women. Archives of General Psychiatry 62 (2), 182–89.

Carlino, D., Francavilla, R., Baj, G., et al. (2015). Brain-derived neurotrophic factor serum levels in genetically isolated populations: Gender-specific association with anxiety disorder subtypes but not with anxiety levels or Val66Met polymorphism. PeerJ 3:e1252.

prescription drugs can help Wehry, A. M., Beesdo-Baum, K., Hennelly, M. M., et al. (2015). Assessment and treatment of anxiety disorders in children and adolescents. Current Psychiatry Reports 17 (7), 1–19.

medication is in use Otto, M. W., Tuby, K. S., Gould, R. A., et al. (2001). An effect-size analysis of the relative efficacy and tolerability of serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors for panic disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry 158 (2), 1989–92.

mindfulness practices have emerged Borquist-Conlon, D. S., Maynard, B. R., Esposito Brendel, K., and Farina, A. S. J. (2017). Mindfulness-based interventions for youth with anxiety: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Research on Social Work Practice. doi.org/​10.1177/​1049731516684961.

one of my favorite colleagues K. K. Novick, personal communication, September 1998.

brain to the lungs Streeter, C. C., Gerbarg, P. L., Saper, R. B., et al. (2012). Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Medical Hypotheses 78 (5), 571–79.

hack her own nervous system Just as we can voluntarily control our breath to help the brain calm down, we can deliberately reverse the physiological effects of anxiety by tensing and relaxing our muscles. Systematic muscle relaxation—deliberately contracting and releasing muscle groups in sequence—effectively reduces the amount of cortisol in the bloodstream. Cortisol is a stress hormone that the body releases as part of the fight-or-flight response, and research finds that the simple act of squeezing and then releasing muscle groups reduces cortisol far more than simply sitting quietly [Pawlow, L. A., and Jones, G. E. (2005). The impact of abbreviated progressive muscle relaxation on salivary cortisol and salivary immunoglobulin A (sIgA). Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback 30 (4), 375–87].

Chapter Two: Girls at Home

girls’ school in Dallas I am indebted to the counseling staff at Ursuline Academy of Dallas for sharing their wisdom with me.

spectacular renovation project Wenar, C., and Kerig, P. (2006). Developmental Psychopathology, 5th ed. Boston: McGraw-Hill.

brain’s emotional centers Casey, B. J., Jones, R. M., and Hare, T. A. (2008). The adolescent brain. Annals of the New York Academy of Science 1124 (1), 111–26.

managing intractable stress Compas, B. E., Desjardins, L., Vannatta, K., et al. (2014). Children and adolescents coping with cancer: Self- and parent reports of coping and anxiety/depression. Health Psychology 33 (8), 853–61.

Compas, B. E., Forehand, R., Thigpen, J., et al. (2015). Efficacy and moderators of a family group cognitive-behavioral preventive intervention for children of depressed parents. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 83 (3), 541–53.

read our reactions Nolte, T., Guiney, J., Fonagy, P., et al. (2011). Interpersonal stress regulation and the development of anxiety disorders: An attachment-based developmental framework. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience 5 (55), 1–21.

very nervous themselves Borelli, J. L., Rasmussen, H. F., John, H. K. S., et al. (2015). Parental reactivity and the link between parent and child anxiety symptoms. Journal of Child and Family Studies 24 (10), 3130–44.

Esbjørn, B. H., Pedersen, S. H., Daniel, S. I. F., et al. (2013). Anxiety levels in clinically referred children and their parents: Examining the unique influence of self-reported attachment styles and interview-based reflective functioning in mothers and fathers. The British Journal of Clinical Psychology 52 (4), 394–407.

more war-ridden now Roser, M. (2018). War and peace. Retrieved from ourworldindata.org/​war-and-peace.

concerns about personal safety American Psychological Association. (2017). Stress in America: Coping with change, part 1.

rates of violent crime Gramlich, J. (2017). Five facts about crime in the U.S. Pew Research Center.

Uniform Crime Reporting, Federal Bureau of Investigation. (2016). Crime in the United States, Table 1A.

teens of past generations Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Trends in the prevalence of marijuana, cocaine, and other illegal drug use. National youth risk behavior survey: 1991–2015.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Trends in the prevalence of alcohol use. National youth risk behavior survey: 1991–2015.

bike helmets and seatbelts Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Trends in the prevalence of behaviors that contribute to unintentional injury. National youth risk behavior survey: 1991–2015.

they do have sex Ibid.

more common among adults National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2017). Monitoring the future survey: High school and youth trends.

Han, B., Compton, W. M., Blanco, C., et al. (2017). Prescription opioid use, misuse, and use disorders in U.S. adults: 2015 national survey on drug use and health. Annals of Internal Medicine 167 (5), 293–301.

Food and Drug Administration actually forbids Food and Drug Administration. (2017). Full-body CT scans—what you need to know.

research on daily hassles Johnson, J. G., and Sherman, M. F. (1997). Daily hassles mediate the relationship between major life events and psychiatric symptomatology: Longitudinal findings from an adolescent sample. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 16 (4), 389–404.

poverty causes unrelenting stress Vliegenthart, J., Noppe, G., van Rossum, E. F. C., et al. (2016). Socioeconomic status in children is associated with hair cortisol levels as a biological measure of chronic stress. Psychoneuroendocrinology 65, 9–14.

rates of emotional problems Luthar, S., Small, P., and Ciciolla, L. (2018). Adolescents from upper middle class communities: Substance misuse and addiction across early adulthood. Development and Psychopathology 30 (1), 315–35.

Luthar, S. S., and Becker, B. E. (2002). Privileged but pressured? A study of affluent youth. Child Development 73 (50), 1593–610.

more likely to suffer Luthar, S. Speaking of psychology: The mental price of affluence. American Psychological Association, 2018, apa.org/​research/​action/​speaking-of-psychology/​affluence.aspx.

intense achievement pressures Luthar, S. S., and Latendresse, S. J. (2005). Children of the affluent: Challenges to well-being. Current Directions in Psychological Science 14 (1), 49–53.

physical and psychological distance Luthar, S. S., and D’Avanzo, K. (1999). Contextual factors in substance use: A study of suburban and inner-city adolescents. Development and Psychopathology 11 (4), 845–67.

Terese Lund and Eric Dearing Lund, T., and Dearing, E. (2013). Is growing up affluent risky for adolescents or is the problem growing up in an affluent neighborhood? Journal of Research on Adolescence 23 (2), 274–82.

Chapter Three: Girls Among Girls

one of three categories Shiner, R. L., Buss, K. A., McClowry, S. G., et al. (2012). What is temperament now? Assessing progress in temperament research on the twenty-fifth anniversary of Goldsmith et al. (1987). Child Development Perspectives 6 (4), 436–44.

landmark research conducted Kagan, J. (1998). Biology and the child. In N. Eisenberg (Ed.), Handbook of Child Psychology, vol. 3: Social, emotional, and personality development, 5th ed. New York: Wiley, pp. 177–236.

brain wave patterns Calkins, S. D., Fox, N. A., and Marshall, T. R. (1996). Behavioral and physiological antecedents of inhibited and uninhibited behavior. Child Development 67 (2), 523–40.

become more flexible Putman, S. P., Samson, A. V., and Rothbart, M. K. (2000). Child temperament and parenting. In V. J. Molfese and D. L. Molfese (Eds.), Temperament and Personality Across the Life Span. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum, pp. 255–77.

identified the critical factor Chen, X., Hastings, P., Rubin, K., et al. (1998). Child-rearing attitudes and behavioral inhibition in Chinese and Canadian toddlers: A cross-cultural study. Development and Psychology 34 (4), 677–86.

Chen, X., Rubin, K., and Li, Z. (1995). Social functioning and adjustment in Chinese children: A longitudinal study. Development and Psychology 31 (4), 531–39.

Chess, S., and Thomas, R. (1984). Origins and Evolution of Behavior Disorders. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

one or two solid friendships Waldrip, A. M., Malcolm, K. T., and Jensen-Campbell, L. A. (2008). With a little help from your friends: The importance of high-quality friendships on early adolescent development. Social Development 17 (4), 832–52.

The research on this topic is complex, and there is certainly evidence that having a large social network improves the likelihood of having strong dyadic (one-on-one) friendships [Nagle, D. W., Erdley, C. A., Newman, J. E., et al. (2003). Popularity, friendship quantity, and friendship quality: Interactive influences on children’s loneliness and depression. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology 32 (4), 546–55]. However, Waldrip, Malcolm, and Jensen-Campbell (2008, p. 847) found that “an adolescent who has at least one friend who offers support, protection, and intimacy is less likely to display problems after controlling for other important relationships as well as the number of friends. Based on these findings, it appears that friendship quality is indeed a unique predictor of an adolescent’s adjustment.”

girls are more empathic Van der Graaff, J., Branje, S., De Weid, M., et al. (2014). Perspective taking and empathic concern in adolescence: Gender differences in empathic changes. Development and Psychology 50 (3), 881–88.

Rueckert, L., Branch, B., and Doan, T. (2011). Are gender differences in empathy due to differences in emotional reactivity? Psychology 2 (6), 574–78.

three forms of unhealthy This terrific terminology was shared with me by Jacqueline Beale-DelVecchio, a middle school teacher at Sacred Heart Academy in Chicago, after I presented to her middle school students on the topic of being assertive (as opposed to being passive or aggressive). I have since used the terminology Ms. Beale-DelVecchio shared with me in dozens of workshops with girls on how to handle conflict. They immediately latch on to the evocative metaphors and can put them to good use.

opponent off balance Thanks go to the brilliant Elizabeth Stevens, an educator and aikido black belt, for sharing her martial arts expertise with me regarding this point.

threw a problem This piece of wisdom was shared with me by the thoughtful educator Daniel Frank. He learned it from his grandmother, Martha Rahm White.

stunted screen-zombies Livingstone, S. (2018). Book review. iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy—and completely unprepared for adulthood. Journal of Children and Media 12 (1), 118–23.

enthralled by the peers (2014, March 11). Teens and Social Media? “It’s Complicated.” Retrieved February 3, 2018, from remakelearning.org/​blog/​2014/​03/​11/​teens-and-social-media-its-complicated/.

authorized their friends Deborah Banner, who teaches English at Marlborough School in Los Angeles, shared this excellent solution with me.

less sleep than boys Maslowsky, J., and Ozer, E. J. (2014). Developmental trends in sleep duration in adolescence and young adulthood: Evidence from a national United States sample. Journal of Adolescent Health 54 (6), 691–97.

sleep phase delay Ibid.

The reasons for the pubertal shift in the circadian cycle are not altogether clear. Experts note that this pattern is common among mammals and speculate that there may be an evolutionarily driven reproductive benefit to “staying up late socializing with peers…at a time of day that is not dominated by older individuals.” [Hagenauer, M. H., and Lee, T. M. (2012). The neuroendocrine control of the circadian system: Adolescent chronotype. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology 33 (3), 211–29, 225.]

around age twelve Stöppler, M. C. Puberty: Stages and signs for boys and girls. Retrieved from medicinenet.com/​puberty/​article.htm.

nine hours of sleep Johnson, E. O., Roth, T., Schultz, L., and Breslau, N. (2006). Epidemiology of DSM-IV insomnia in adolescence: Lifetime prevalence, chronicity, and an emergent gender difference. Pediatrics 117 (2), e247–e256.

frazzled and brittle Shochat, T., Cohen-Zion, M., and Tzischinsky, O. (2014). Functional consequences of inadequate sleep in adolescents: A systematic review. Sleep Medicine Reviews 18 (1), 75–87.

emitted by backlit screens Higuchi, S., Motohashi, Y., Liu, Y., et al. (2003). Effects of VDT tasks with a bright display at night on melatonin, core temperature, heart rate, and sleepiness. Journal of Applied Physiology 94 (5), 1773–76.

Kozaki, T., Koga, S., Toda, N., et al. (2008). Effects of short wavelength control in polychromatic light sources on nocturnal melatonin secretion. Neuroscience Letters 439 (3), 256–59.

incoming text messages Van den Bulck, J. (2003). Text messaging as a cause of sleep interruption in adolescents, evidence from a cross-sectional study. Journal of Sleep Research 12 (3), 263.

Adachi-Mejia, A. M., Edwards, P. M., Gilbert-Diamond, D., et al. (2014). TXT me I’m only sleeping: Adolescents with mobile phones in their bedroom. Family and Community Health 37 (4), 252–57.

access to a phone Vernon, L., Modecki, K. L., and Barber, B. L. (2018). Mobile phones in the bedroom: Trajectories of sleep habits and subsequent adolescent psychosocial development. Child Development 89 (1), 66–77.

viewing the social media Vogel, E., Rose, J., Roberts, L., and Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture 3 (4), 206–22.

result of their online Nesi, J., and Prinstein, M. J. (2015). Using social media for social comparison and feedback-seeking: Gender and popularity moderate associations with depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 43 (8), 1427–38.

show the “highlights reel” Walsh, J. (2018). Adolescents and Their Social Media Narratives: A digital coming of age, 1st ed. London: Routledge, p. 26.

agenda behind the image Walsh, J. (2016, August 10). For teenage girls, swimsuit season never ends [Interview by L. Damour]. The New York Times.

Chapter Four: Girls Among Boys

half of all eighth- Axelrod, A., and Markow, D. (2001). Hostile Hallways: Bullying, teasing, and sexual harassment in school (Rep.). AAUW Educational Foundation: aauw.org/​files/​2013/​02/​hostile-hallways-bullying-teasing-and-sexual-harassment-in-school.pdf.

not heterosexual are subjected Williams, T., Connolly, J., Pepler, D., and Craig, W. (2005). Peer victimization, social support, and psychosocial adjustment of sexual minority adolescents. Journal of Youth and Adolescence 34 (5), 471–82.

lower levels of self-esteem Ormerod, A. J., Collinsworth, L. L., and Perry, L. A. (2008). Critical climate: Relations among sexual harassment, climate, and outcomes for high school girls and boys. Psychology of Women Quarterly 32 (2), 113–25.

outcomes are intensified Gruber, J. E., and Fineran, S. (2008). Comparing the impact of bullying and sexual harassment victimization on the mental and physical health of adolescents. Sex Roles 59 (1–2), 1–13.

protective school climate Espelage, D. L., Aragon, S. R., Birkett, M., and Koenig, B. W. (2008). Homophobic teasing, psychological outcomes, and sexual harassment among high school students: What influence do parents and schools have? School Psychology Review 37 (2), 202–16.

likely to be bullied Fekkes, M., Pijpers, F. I. M., and Verloove-Vanhorick, S. P. (2004). Bullying: Who does what, when and where? Involvement of children, teachers and parents in bullying behavior. Health Education Research 20 (1), 81–91.

Wang, J., Iannotti, R. J., and Nansel, T. R. (2009). School bullying among U.S. adolescents: Physical, verbal, relational, and cyber. Journal of Adolescent Health 45 (4), 368–75.

rarely target guys Guerra, N. G., Williams, K. R., and Sadek, S. (2011). Understanding bullying and victimization during childhood and adolescence: A mixed methods study. Child Development 82 (1), 295–310.

girls are disproportionately blamed Wang, J., Iannotti, R. J., and Nansel, T. R. (2009).

undermine their academic performance Gruber, J., and Fineran, S. (2016). Sexual harassment, bullying, and school outcomes for high school girls and boys. Violence against Women 22 (1), 112–33.

other way around Goldstein, S. E., Malanchuk, O., Davis-Kean, P. E., and Eccles, J. S. (2007). Risk factors for sexual harassment by peers: A longitudinal investigation of African American and European American adolescents. Journal of Research on Adolescence 17 (2), 285–300.

reveals that girls harass Gruber, J., and Fineran, S. (2016).

their own admission Reed, L. A., Tolman, R. M., and Ward, M. L. (2017). Gender matters: Experiences and consequences of digital dating abuse in adolescent dating relationships. Journal of Adolescence 59, 79–89.

feeling more threatened Ormerod, A. J., Collinsworth, L. L., and Perry, L. A. (2008). Critical climate: Relations among sexual harassment, climate, and outcomes for high school girls and boys. Psychology of Women Quarterly 32 (2), 113–25.

Reed, L. A., Tolman, R. M., and Ward, M. L. (2017).

something along these lines Fine, M., and McClelland, S. I. (2006). Sexuality education and desire: Still missing after all of these years. Harvard Educational Review 76 (3), 297–338.

boys usually get a different Ott, M. A. (2010). Examining the development and sexual behavior of adolescent males. Journal of Adolescent Health 46 (4 Suppl), S3–11.

derogatory sexualized term Dog is also an entrant into the category of words sometimes used to describe males who pursue meaningless flings with multiple partners. The term, however, seems not to be widely used at present, and its potency as a derogatory term for males is diminished by the multiple uses to which it is also put. For example, it is sometimes used as a term of familiarity among men (as in, “What’s up, Dog?”) and at other times used to describe an unattractive woman.

report aptly titled Lippman, J. R., and Campbell, S. W. (2014). Damned if you do, damned if you don’t…if you’re a girl: Relational and normative contexts of adolescent sexting in the United States. Journal of Children and Media 8 (4), 371–86.

This study, like others Temple, J. R., Le, V. D., van den Berg, P., et al. (2014). Brief report: Teen sexting and psychosocial health. Journal of Adolescence 37 (1), 33–36.

“virtually immune from criticism,” Lippman, J.R., and Campbell, S.W. (2014), p. 371.

two-thirds of girls Thomas, S. E. (2018). “What should I do?”: Young women’s reported dilemmas with nude photographs. Sexuality Research and Social Policy 15 (2), 192–207, doi.org/​10.1007/​s13178-017-0310-0.

“develop meaningful relationships” Damour, L. (2017, January 11). Talking with both daughters and sons about sex. The New York Times. Retrieved from nytimes.com/​2017/​01/​11/​well/​family/​talking-about-sex-with-daughters-and-sons.html.

likely to make compromises Tolman, D. L. (1999). Femininity as a barrier to positive sexual health for adolescent girls. Journal of the American Medical Women’s Association 53 (4), 133–38.

Kettrey, H. H. (2018). “Bad girls” say no and “good girls” say yes: Sexual subjectivity and participation in undesired sex during heterosexual college hookups. Sexuality and Culture 22 (3), 685–705, doi.org/​10.1007/​s12119-018-9498-2.

less likely to use contraception Impett, E. A., Schooler, D., and Tolman, D. L. (2006). To be seen and not heard: Feminist ideology and adolescent girls’ sexual health. Archives of Sexual Behavior 35 (2), 131–44.

Zurbriggen, E. L., Collins, R. L., Lamb, S., et al. (2007). Report on the APA task force on the Sexualization of Girls, Executive Summary, American Psychological Association, Washington, DC.

rates of teen pregnancies Schalet, A. (2004). Must we fear adolescent sexuality? Medscape General Medicine 6 (4), 44.

sexual educations and attitudes Brugman, M., Caron, S. L., and Rademakers, J. (2010). Emerging adolescent sexuality: A comparison of American and Dutch college women’s experiences. International Journal of Sexual Health 22 (1), 32–46.

“made a plan together” Ibid., p. 39.

“girl is a slut” Ibid., p. 43.

elaborate norms for refusals Eslami, Z. (2010). Refusals: How to develop appropriate refusal strategies. In A. Martínez-Flor and E. Usó-Juan (Eds.), Speech Act Performance: Theoretical, empirical and methodological issues (Language Learning and Language Teaching 26, Amsterdam: John Benjamins), pp. 217–36.

people decline requests Allami, H., and Naeimi, A. (2011). A cross-linguistic study of refusals: An analysis of pragmatic competence development in Iranian EFL learners. Journal of Pragmatics 43 (1), 385–406.

Cameron, D. (2008). The Myth of Mars and Venus. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

women in the study Kitzinger, C., and Frith, H. (1999). Just say no? The use of conversation analysis in developing a feminist perspective on sexual refusal. Discourse and Society 10 (3), 293–316, pp. 304–5.

Language scholars note Ibid.

a feminist linguist Cameron, D. (2008), p. 96.

compared to young people Monto, M. A., and Carey, A. G. (2014). A new standard of sexual behavior? Are claims associated with the “hookup culture” supported by general survey data? Journal of Sex Research 51 (6), 605–15.

most recent generation Ibid.

had no sex since Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., and Wells, B. E. (2017). Sexual inactivity during young adulthood is more common among U.S. millennials and iGen: Age, period, and cohort effects on having no sexual partners after age 18. Archives of Sexual Behavior 46 (2), 433–40.

reported being virgins Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Trends in the prevalence of sexual behaviors and HIV testing. National youth risk behavior survey: 1991–2015.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2017). Youth Risk Behavior Survey Data. Available at cdc.gov/yrbs. Accessed on June 20, 2018.

When asked to estimate Weissbourd, R., Anderson, T. R., Cashin, A., and McIntyre, J. (2017). The talk: How adults can promote young people’s healthy relationships and prevent misogyny and sexual harassment (Rep.). Retrieved from mcc.gse.harvard.edu/​files/​gse-mcc/​files/​mcc_the_talk_final.pdf.

63 percent of men Garcia, J. R., Reiber, C., Merriwether, A. M., et al. (2010a, March). Touch me in the morning: Intimately affiliative gestures in uncommitted and romantic relationships. Paper presented at the Annual Conference of the NorthEastern Evolutionary Psychology Society, New Paltz, NY.

Garcia, J. R., Reiber, C., Massey, S. G., and Merriwether, A. M. (2012). Sexual hookup culture: A review. Review of General Psychology 16 (2), 161–76.

remaining 84 percent Weissbourd, R., Anderson, T.R., Cashin, A., and McIntyre, J. (2017).

drive-by physical encounter LaBrie, J. W., Hummer, J. F., Ghaidarov, T. M., et al. (2014). Hooking up in the college context: The event-level effects of alcohol use and partner familiarity on hookup behaviors and contentment. Journal of Sex Research 51 (1), 62–73.

further things are likely Owen, J., Fincham, F. D., and Moore, J. (2011). Short-term prospective study of hooking up among college students. Archives of Sexual Behavior 40 (2), 331–41.

drinking is more closely Owen, J., and Fincham, F. D. (2010). Effects of gender and psychosocial factors on ‘‘friends with benefits’’ relationships among young adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior 40 (2), 311–20.

feel less inhibited Owen, J., Fincham, F. D., and Moore, J. (2011).

93 percent of boys Sabina, C., Wolak, J., and Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology and Behavior 11 (6), 691–93.

“mainstream commercial pornography” Sun, C., Bridges, A., Johnson, J. A., and Ezzell, M. B. (2016). Pornography and the male sexual script: An analysis of consumption and sexual relations. Archives of Sexual Behavior 45 (4), 983–84, p. 983.

decreased enjoyment of real-life Ibid.

practices that are common Lim, M. S., Carrotte, E. R., and Hellard, M. E. (2016). The impact of pornography on gender-based violence, sexual health and well-being: What do we know? Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health 70 (1), 3–5.

frequency of anal sex Stenhammar, C., Ehrsson, Y. T., Åkerud, H., et al. (2015). Sexual and contraceptive behavior among female university students in Sweden—repeated surveys over a 25-year period. Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica Scandinavica 94 (3), 253–59.

“common in pornography” Ibid., p. 258.

negative or painful experience Stulthofer, A., and Ajdukovic, D. (2013). A mixed-methods exploration of women’s experiences of anal intercourse: meanings related to pain and pleasure. Archives of Sexual Behavior 42 (6), 1053–62.

Chapter Five: Girls at School

statistics show that girls Voyer, D., and Voyer, S. D. (2014). Gender differences in scholastic achievement: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin 140 (4), 1174–204.

As high school students Livingston, A., and Wirt, J. The Condition of Education 2004 in Brief (NCES 2004–076). U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics (Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2004).

Office for Civil Rights. (2012, June). Gender equity in education: A data snapshot. U.S. Department of Education. Retrieved from ed.gov/​about/​offices/​list/​ocr/​docs/​gender-equity-in-education.pdf.

in college, women Autor, D., and Wasserman, M. (2013). Wayward Sons: The emerging gender gap in labor markets and education (Rep.). Washington, DC: Third Way. Retrieved from economics.mit.edu/​files/​8754.

Bauman, K., and Ryan, C. (2015, October 7). Women now at the head of the class, lead men in college attainment. Retrieved from census.gov/​newsroom/​blogs/​random-samplings/​2015/​10/​women-now-at-the-head-of-the-class-lead-men-in-college-attainment.html.

Digest of Education Statistics—National Center for Education Statistics. (2015, September). Bachelor’s, master’s, and doctor’s degrees conferred by postsecondary institutions, by sex of student and discipline division: 2013–14. Retrieved from nces.ed.gov/​programs/​digest/​d15/​tables/​dt15_318.30.asp?current=yes.

feeling stressed by school Murberg, T. A., and Bru, E. (2004). School-related stress and psychosomatic symptoms among Norwegian adolescents. School Psychology International 25 (3), 317–22.

study people’s mindsets Crum, A. J., Salovey, P., and Achor, S. (2013). Rethinking stress: The role of mindsets in determining the stress response. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 104 (4), 716–33.

close friend move away Park, D., Yu, A., Metz, S. E., et al. (2017). Beliefs about stress attenuate the relation among adverse life events, perceived distress, and self-control. Child Development. doi.org/​10.1111/​cdev.12946.

bodily response to stress Jamieson, J. P., Nock. M. K., and Mendes, W. B. (2012). Mind over matter: Reappraising arousal improves cardiovascular and cognitive responses to stress. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 141 (3), 417–22.

more time fretting Giota, J., and Gustafsson, J. (2017). Perceived demands of schooling, stress and mental health: Changes from grade 6 to grade 9 as a function of gender and cognitive ability. Stress and Health 33 (3), 253–66.

Murberg, T. A., and Bru, E. (2004).

Silverman, W. K., La Greca, A. M., and Wasserstein, S. (1995). What do children worry about? Worries and their relation to anxiety. Child Development 66 (3), 671–86.

take to heart Roberts, T. (1991). Gender and the influence of evaluations on self-assessments in achievement settings. Psychological Bulletin 109 (2), 297–308.

Years of research confirm Burnett, J. L., O’Boyle, E. H., VanEpps, E. M., et al. (2013). Mind-sets matter: A meta-analytic review of implicit theories and self-regulation. Psychological Bulletin 139 (3), 655–701.

care more about pleasing Pomerantz, E. M., Altermatt, E. R., and Saxon, J. L. (2002). Making the grade but feeling distressed: Gender differences in academic performance and internal distress. Journal of Educational Psychology 94 (2), 396–404.

Pomerantz, E. M., Saxon, J. L., and Kenny, G. A. (2001). Self-evaluation: The development of sex differences. In G. B. Moskowitz (Ed.), Cognitive Social Psychology: On the tenure and future of social cognition. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum, pp. 59–74.

Pomerantz, E. M., and Ruble, D. N. (1998). The role of maternal control in the development of sex differences in child self-evaluative factors. Child Development 69 (2), 458–78.

attuned to our moods McClure, E. B. (2000). A meta-analytic review of sex differences in facial expression processing and their development in infants, children, and adolescents. Psychological Bulletin 126 (3), 424–53.

unwittingly signal disappointment Levering, B. (2000). Disappointment in teacher-student relationships. Journal of Curriculum Studies 32 (1), 65–74.

hand-wringing students Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., and Mikail, S. F. (2017). Perfectionism: A relational approach to conceptualization, assessment, and treatment. New York: The Guilford Press, p. 22.

girls are more disciplined Duckworth, A. L., and Seligman, M. E. P. (2006). Self-discipline gives girls the edge: Gender in self-discipline, grades, and achievement scores. Journal of Educational Psychology 98 (1), 198–208.

sounds uncannily like Kay, K., and Shipman, C. (2014, May). The confidence gap. The Atlantic. Retrieved from theatlantic.com/​magazine/​archive/​2014/​05/​the-confidence-gap/​359815/.

willingness to overprepare Credit for connecting the dots between how girls operate at school and how they later operate in the workplace goes to Nancy Stickney, a member of my community who attended a local talk where I addressed the importance of helping girls take a tactical approach to their schoolwork. Ms. Stickney reached out to me afterward to note that she’d seen the exact same phenomenon among women in her corporate career.

put themselves forward Kay, K., and Shipman, C. (2014). The Confidence Code: The science and art of self-assurance—what women should know. New York: HarperCollins.

effective learning techniques Dunlosky, J., Rawson, K. A., Marsh, E. J., et al. (2013). Improving students’ learning with effective learning techniques: Promising directions from cognitive and educational psychology. Psychological Science in the Public Interest 14 (1), 4–58.

half of the students Office for Civil Rights. (2012, June).

Voyer, D., and Voyer, S. D. (2014). This large-scale survey of the available research found that, for math and science courses, elementary school girls get the same grades as boys in math and get better grades in science; middle and high school girls get better grades than boys in both fields; college-aged women get better grades in math and the same grades in science.

teachers believe math Riegle-Crumb, C., and Humphries, M. (2012). Exploring bias in math teachers’ perceptions of students’ ability by gender and race/ethnicity. Gender and Society 26 (2), 290–322.

students in biology classes National Science Board. (2018). Undergraduate education, enrollment, and degrees in the United States (Rep.). Science and Engineering Indicators.

men in those courses Grunspan, D. Z., Eddy, S. L., Brownell, S. E., et al. (2016). Males underestimate academic performance of their female peers in undergraduate biology classrooms. PLoS ONE 11 (2): e0148405.

evaluate application materials Moss-Racusin, C. A., Dovidio, J. F., Brescholl, V. L., et al. (2012). Science faculty’s subtle gender biases favor male students. PNAS 109 (41), 16474–79.

discriminated against at school Nguyen, H. D., and Ryan, A. M. (2008). Does stereotype threat affect test performance of minorities and women: A meta-analysis of experimental evidence. Journal of Applied Psychology 93 (6), 1314–34.

talking about the biases Johns, M., Schmader, T., and Martens, A. (2005). Knowing is half the battle: Teaching stereotype threat as a means of improving women’s math performance. Psychological Science 16 (3), 175–79.

false negative stereotype McGlone, M. S., and Aronson, J. (2007). Forewarning and forearming stereotype-threatened students. Communication Education 56 (2), 119–33.

elevated rates of anxiety Nelson, J. M., and Harwood, H. (2011). Learning disabilities and anxiety: A meta-analysis. Journal of Learning Disabilities 44 (1), 3–17.

second and third graders Shaywitz, S. E., Shaywitz, B. A., Fletcher, J. M., and Escobar, M. D. (1990). Prevalence of reading disability in boys and girls: Results of the Connecticut longitudinal study. Journal of the American Medical Association 264 (8), 998–1002.

likely to be inattentive Rucklidge, J. J. (2010). Gender differences in attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Psychiatric Clinics of North America 33 (2), 357–73.

Biederman J., Mick, E., Faraone, S. V., et al. (2002). Influence of gender on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in children referred to a psychiatric clinic. The American Journal of Psychiatry 159 (1), 36–42.

fail to gain admission Stanford, for instance, admitted 16 percent of its applicants in 1996 and only 4.7 percent in 2017.

Stanford University, News Service. (1996, June 3). Stanford’s ‘yield rate’ increases to 61.4 percent [Press release]. Retrieved from news.stanford.edu/​pr/​96/​960605classcentu.html.

Stanford University. (2017, August). Our selection process. Retrieved from admission.stanford.edu/​apply/​selection/​profile.html.

As admission rates have dropped, more and more students enroll in more and more Advanced Placement courses in order to gain a competitive edge. In 1997, 566,720 students took a total of 899,463 AP exams. In 2017, 2,741,426 students took a total of 4,957,931 AP exams.

College Board. (1997). AP data—archived data (Rep.). Retrieved from research.collegeboard.org/​programs/​ap/​data/​archived/​1997.

College Board. (2017). Program summary report (Rep.). Retrieved from secure-media.collegeboard.org/​digitalServices/​pdf/​research/​2017/​Program-Summary-Report-2017.pdf.

Renée Spencer and her colleagues Spencer, R., Walsh, J., Liang, B., et al. (2018). Having it all? A qualitative examination of affluent adolescent girls’ perceptions of stress and their quests for success. Journal of Adolescent Research 33 (1), 3–33.

A 2006 study Kahneman, D., Krueger, A. B., Schkade, D., et al. (2006). Would you be happier if you were richer? A focusing illusion. Science 312 (5782), 1908–10.

Happy grown-ups believe Ryff, C. D., and Keyes, L. M. (1995). The structure of psychological well-being revisited. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 69 (4), 719–27.

a list of values Ciciolla, L., Curlee, A. S., Karageorge, J., and Luthar, S. S. (2017). When mothers and fathers are seen as disproportionately valuing achievements: Implications for adjustment among upper middle class youth. Journal of Youth and Adolescence 46 (5), 1057–75.

replicated what other research Luthar, S. S., and Becker, B. E. (2002). Privileged but pressured? A study of affluent youth. Child Development 73 (50), 1593–610.

Chapter Six: Girls in the Culture

less damning, less permanent To be sure, guys contend with their own set of threatening words. Boys, unfortunately, are encouraged by our culture to conform to ultra-macho ideals. They learn to aggressively enforce this standard by questioning one another’s masculinity and heterosexuality with slurs such as pussy, fag, homo, and so on. Boys also use bitch as a provocative insult, but the term takes on a different meaning when traded between boys than when leveled at a girl. Specifically, when one boy calls another a bitch, the slur falls somewhere between likening him to a girl and to a submissive girlfriend (as in, “being someone’s bitch”).

engage in grinding rumination Jose, P. E., and Brown, I. (2008). When does the gender difference in rumination begin? Gender and age differences in the use of rumination by adolescents. Journal of Youth and Adolescence 37 (2), 180–92.

bumper crop of research There’s a robust research literature supporting my friend’s point that women are often punished in professional settings when they engage in the “assertive” behavior that is rewarded, or at least not considered to be problematic, in men. For example:

Salerno, J. M., and Peter-Hagene, L. (2015). One angry woman: Anger expression increases influence for men, but decreases influence for women, during group deliberation. Law and Human Behavior 39 (6), 581–92.

Rudman, L. A., Moss-Racusin, C. A., Phelan, J., and Nauts, S. (2012). Status incongruity and backlash effects: Defending the gender hierarchy motivates prejudice against female leaders. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 48 (1), 165–79.

Phelan, J. E., Moss-Racusin, C. A., and Rudman, L. A. (2008). Competent yet out in the cold: Shifting criteria for hiring reflect backlash toward agentic women. Psychology of Women Quarterly 32 (4), 406–13.

documented in numerous studies For example, Sagar and Schofield found that ambiguously hostile behaviors were rated by preadolescents as more “mean and threatening when the perpetrator was black than when he was white.” Similarly, Hugenberg and Bodenhausen found that some European Americans “are biased to perceive threatening affect in Black but not White faces, suggesting that the deleterious effects of stereotypes may take hold extremely early in social interaction.”

Sagar, H. A., and Schofield, J. W. (1980). Racial and behavioral cues in black and white children’s perceptions of ambiguously aggressive acts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 39 (4), 590–98.

Hugenberg, K., and Bodenhausen, G. V. (2003). Facing prejudice: Implicit prejudice and the perception of facial threat. Psychological Science 14 (6), 640–43.

According to the report Onyeka-Crawford, A., Patrick, K., and Chaudhry, N. (2017). Let her learn: Stopping school pushout for girls of color (Rep.). Washington, DC: National Women’s Law Center, p. 3.

apologize too much Crosley, S. (2015, June 23). Why women apologize and should stop. The New York Times. Retrieved from nytimes.com/​2015/​06/​23/​opinion/​when-an-apology-is-anything-but.html.

known as uptalk Fendrich, L. (2010, March 12). The valley-girl lift. The Chronicle of Higher Education.

sprinkling sentences with just. Leanse, E. P. (2015, June 25). Google and Apple alum says using this word can damage your credibility. Business Insider.

Naomi Wolf published Wolf, N. (2015, July 24). Young women, give up the vocal fry and reclaim your strong female voice. The Guardian. Retrieved from theguardian.com/​commentisfree/​2015/​jul/​24/​vocal-fry-strong-female-voice.

published a sharp rejoinder Cameron, D. (2015, July 27). An open letter to Naomi Wolf: Let women speak how they please. In These Times. Retrieved from inthesetimes.com/​article/​18241/​naomi-wolf-speech-uptalk-vocal-fry.

colleagues in academic linguistics High-rising terminal declarative, eh? (1992, January 19). The New York Times. Retrieved from nytimes.com/​1992/​01/​19/​opinion/​l-high-rising-terminal-declarative-eh-061992.html.

“improving your relationship” Ury, W. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: How to say no and still get to yes. New York: Bantam.

damaging a meaningful connection Of course boys care about their relationships, too, and though guys, far more than girls, can be rude without consequence, why should they be allowed this margin? We should, of course, raise our sons to have polite and adept verbal Swiss Army knives, too.

have long articulated The humanities are replete with the theme of the divided self. Horace (65–8 BC), the Roman poet, wrote a particularly amusing satire describing his efforts to be polite to a clingy and cloying fan whom he wanted to tell off:

By chance I was strolling the Sacred Way, and musing,

As I do, on some piece of nonsense, wholly absorbed,

When up runs a man I know only by name, who grabs

Me by the hand, crying: ‘How do you do, dear old thing?’

‘Fine, as it happens,’ I answer, ‘and best wishes to you.’

As he follows me, I add: ‘You’re after something?’

He: ‘You should get to know me better, I’m learned.’

I: ‘I congratulate you on that.’ Desperately trying

To flee, now I walk fast, now halt, and whisper a word

In the ear of my boy, as the sweat’s drenching me

Head to foot. While the fellow rattles on, praising

Street after street, the whole city, I silently whisper,

‘Oh Bolanus, to have your quick temper!’ Since I’m not

Replying, he says: ‘You’re dreadfully eager to go:

I’ve seen that a while: but it’s no use: I’ll hold you fast:

I’ll follow you wherever you’re going.’ ‘No need

For you to be dragged around: I’m off to see someone

You don’t know: he’s ill on the far side of Tiber,

Near Caesar‘s Garden.’ ‘I’ve nothing to do, I’m a walker:

I’ll follow.’ Down go my ears like a sulky donkey,

When the load’s too much for his back.

Satires: Book I, Satire IX (Translated by A. S. Kline)

phenomenon in theatrical terms Social scientist Erving Goffman also worked with the analogy of a front and back stage in his highly intelligent and historically bound treatise The Presentation of the Self in Everyday Life (1959) (New York: Anchor Books). Goffman’s elaborate dissection of human interaction goes far beyond my simple likening of our public and private personas to the activity of the front and back stage.

comment on girls’ appearance Karraker, K. H., Vogel, D. A., and Lake, M. A. (1995). Parents’ gender-stereotyped perceptions of newborns: The eye of the beholder revisited. Sex Roles 33 (9/10), 687–701.

Rubin, J. Z., Provenzano, F. J., and Luria, Z. (1974). The eye of the beholder: Parents’ views on sex of newborns. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 44 (4), 512–19.

industry spends $13 billion Advertising spending in the perfumes, cosmetics, and other toilet preparations industry in the United States from 2010 to 2017 (in million U.S. dollars). (2017). Retrieved from statista.com/​statistics/​470467/​perfumes-cosmetics-and-other-toilet-preparations-industry-ad-spend-usa/.

remains persistently preoccupied Rogers, K. (2016, August 18). Sure, these women are winning Olympic medals, but are they single? The New York Times. Retrieved from nytimes.com/​2016/​08/​19/​sports/​olympics/​sexism-olympics-women.html.

Fahy, D. (2015, March 16). Media portrayals of female scientists often shallow, superficial. Retrieved from blogs.scientificamerican.com/​voices/​media-portrayals-of-of-female-scientists-often-shallow-superficial/.

erode her intellectual abilities Kahalon, R., Shnabel, N., and Becker, J. C. (2018). “Don’t bother your pretty little head”: Appearance compliments lead to improved mood but impaired cognitive performance. Psychology of Women Quarterly 42 (2), 136–50.

“looks without her makeup” Capon, L. (2016, November 21). Alicia Keys has stopped wearing makeup and is killing it. Cosmopolitan.

“America’s foreign policy” White, T. (2006, March 28). Rice loosens up her locks and her image. The Baltimore Sun. Retrieved from articles.baltimoresun.com/​2006-03-28/​features/​0603280057_1_rice-head-of-hair-condoleezza.

Rosen, J. (2013, June 14). Hillary Clinton, hair icon. Town and Country.

simply looking at media-portrayed Monro, F., and Huon, G. (2005). Media-portrayed idealized images, body shame, and appearance anxiety. International Journal of Eating Disorders 38 (1), 85–90.

disliked the shape Runfola, C. D., Von Holle, A., Trace, S. E., et al. (2013). Body dissatisfaction in women across the lifespan: Results of the UNC-SELF and Gender and Body Image (GABI) Studies. European Eating Disorders Review: The Journal of the Eating Disorders Association 21 (1), 52–59.

feeling quite a bit better Grabe, S., and Shibley Hyde, J. (2006). Ethnicity and body dissatisfaction among women in the United States: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin 132 (4), 622–40.

Kelly, A. M., Wall, M., Eisenberg, M. E., et al. (2005). Adolescent girls with high body satisfaction: Who are they and what can they teach us? Journal of Adolescent Health 37 (5), 391–96.

Duke, L. (2000). Black in a blonde world: Race and girls’ interpretations of the feminist ideal in teen magazines. Journalism and Mass Communication Quarterly 77 (2), 367–92.

experimented with unhealthy dieting Neumark-Sztainer, D., Croll, J., Story, M., et al. (2002). Ethnic/racial differences in weight-related concerns and behaviors among adolescent girls and boys: Findings from project EAT. Journal of Psychosomatic Research 53 (5), 963–74.

participating in sports Hausenblas, H. A., and Downs, D. S. (2001). Comparison of body image between athletes and non-athletes: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology 13 (3), 323–39.

a large-scale study Abbott, B. D., and Barber, B. L. (2011). Differences in functional and aesthetic body image between sedentary girls and girls involved in sports and physical activity: Does sport type make a difference? Psychology of Sport and Exercise 12 (3), 333–42.

sports with an aesthetic component Slater, A., and Tiggman, M. (2011). Gender differences in adolescent sport participation, teasing, self-objectification and body image concerns. Journal of Adolescence 34 (3), 455–63.

gusts of subtle bias Sue, D. W., Capudilupo, C. M., Torino, G. C., et al. (2007). Racial microaggressions in everyday life: Implications for clinical practice. American Psychologist 62 (4), 271–86.

Scholars have documented Zeiders, K. H., Doane, L. D., and Roosa, M. W. (2012). Perceived discrimination and diurnal cortisol: Examining relations among Mexican American adolescents. Hormones and Behavior 61 (4), 541–48.

Jackson, L., Shestov, M., and Saadatmand, F. (2017). Gender differences in the experience of violence, discrimination, and stress hormone in African Americans: Implications for public health. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment 27 (7), 768–78.

Brody, G. H., and Lei, M. (2014). Perceived discrimination among African American adolescents and allostatic load: A longitudinal analysis with buffering effects. Child Development 85 (3), 989–1002.

Berger, M., and Sarnyai, Z. (2014). “More than skin deep”: Stress neurobiology and mental health consequences of racial discrimination. Stress: The International Journal on the Biology of Stress 18 (1), 1–10.

a lot of mental energy Sellers, R. M., Copeland-Linder, N., Martin, P. P., and Lewis, R. L. (2006). Racial identity matters: The relationship between racial discrimination and psychological functioning in African American adolescents. Journal of Research on Adolescence 16 (2), 187–216.

having a supportive family Brody, G. H., Chen, Y., Murry, V. M., et al. (2006). Perceived discrimination and the adjustment of African American youths: A five-year longitudinal analysis with contextual moderation effects. Child Development 77 (5), 1170–89.

Elmore, C. A., and Gaylord-Harden, N. K. (2013). The influence of supportive parenting and racial socialization messages on African American youth and behavioral outcomes. Journal of Child and Family Studies 22 (1), 63–75.

Brody, G. H., Miller, G. E., Yu, T., et al. (2016). Supportive family environments ameliorate the link between racial discrimination and epigenetic aging. Psychological Science 27 (4), 530–41.

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