CAISEY BLOTTED THE water from her face with a paper towel. So much for sleep. Hopefully she’d be able to head home later for a nap, though she wasn’t sure she’d be able to rest when her brain wouldn’t quit. All she could think of were those beady eyes staring at her…and his voice.
I want you to find me.
Caisey rubbed her temple. It had been over a week since the last time she’d done any work, why was she so tired? Nothing about this particularly invigorated her, not when she was being bated. And not when Grams, Jenna and Jake would be in the middle of it. She needed to deal with this in a way that meant it didn’t come home with her, a way that meant they’d be safe. Protected.
She tossed the soggy paper towel in the trash and turned, sucked in a breath and caught herself before she shrieked.
Doctor Amanda’s lips curled up at the sides. “Don’t look so happy to see me.”
“You scared the crap out of me. Don’t you know better than to sneak up on people who carry guns?”
Amanda assessed her, as though she read a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo into every single thing Caisey said. “Feel like going somewhere to talk?”
Not really. Then again, if she went with Amanda, she might be able to persuade the shrink to let her go back to work. Not fully, but she could do desk work until her leg healed.
She weighed the pros and cons until Amanda started laughing. “Wow, Special Agent Lyons. Is the prospect of talking to me really that scary?” She paused. “Okay, scratch that. Is the prospect of telling me the truth really that bad?”
Caisey allowed herself the luxury of a small smile. Amanda wasn’t all bad. It was just that her occupation put Caisey in the position of being required to be vulnerable, which she had never liked. Her dad had been enough of a man not to want displays of emotion. Grams would have accepted it from her, but it made Caisey feel uncomfortable.
Still, she needed to be able to work more than she needed to hoard her emotional state. “Why not.”
They walked down to Amanda’s office, where Caisey scanned the psycho-babble books on her bookshelf. She straightened a photo frame of Amanda and her husband and smelled the candle to see what scent it was.
“Sleeping okay?”
Caisey shrugged one shoulder, but didn’t turn.
“I’d suggest a sleep aid, but I know you’d never take it.”
Caisey walked over and sat on one end of Amanda’s brown leather couch. Her leg hurt, but rubbing it wouldn’t help plus it was a huge tell. Instead, she kicked off her boots and stacked her feet on the coffee table with her good leg on bottom. “You probably see that a lot.”
“Sure I do.” Amanda sat. “But it’s not a crime to admit you need help. Looking less than strong doesn’t make you less human.”
That depended on your point of view.
“Since I’m fine,” Caisey pointed out. “It’s kind of a moot point.”
“Naturally,” Amanda conceded with a wave of her hand. “How’s your leg?”
Caisey laughed but the humor dissipated fast. “It really hurts.”
“And yet your brain is still on the job.”
“That’s a good way of putting it.” She never had figured out how to switch off her mind. Now that she’d met the killer face to face she saw his eyes everywhere. “The results were supposed to outweigh the mental stress. That’s what we all decided. I didn’t think there would be much correlation between this abduction and what happened to me years ago, but when I dream one bleeds into the other.”
Amanda nodded. “There is still so much of the brain we don’t understand. But the similarities in the two events, however minimal, have invited your mind to associate them.” She paused. “Is it possible you haven’t fully dealt with the past? Maybe there is more you need to work through before you can put it to rest.”
“Do we ever totally put anything to rest? I mean, we say it’s in the past or whatever, but it isn’t like it’s forgotten.”
“True.” Amanda studied her. “What I’d like to know is whether you are simply processing what happened, or is all this a result of the fact that the killer got away and you were left with little as far as quantifiable results?”
Caisey thought for a minute. “Both, maybe. We knew there would be residual effects, flashbacks to this abduction and possibly the one before, symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress, insomnia. If I wasn’t okay with that, I wouldn’t have agreed to do it.”
“It’s a little different being told about those things than actually experiencing them, don’t you think?”
“I guess.”
“And yet I think you suffer willingly, knowing at least it’s you and not someone else. Someone who might not handle it as capably as you, or that you’ll admit.”
Caisey shot her a look. “Because I think I’m the best or something?”
“No. It’s more sacrificial than that. But it is not always the wisest course of action.”
“Since when is sacrifice bad?”
Amanda shifted on the couch. “What most would assume is bravado, is actually something far richer. I think you enjoy being the martyr.”
“Seriously? You believe that?” Caisey got up, ignoring the stab of pain in her thigh.
“Your reaction implies you might even believe it too. Or at least you’ve entertained the possibility.”
Caisey wanted to fling the door open and stomp away, but that would mean Amanda had won. “So you’re saying I’ll willingly go undercover just to save someone else from having to do it? Well too bad, because we didn’t fool him one bit. He played us. And now it looks like he’s abducted another girl. We have nothing and he still holds all the cards.”
“And that’s what you hate the most, isn’t it? That feeling of powerlessness. Because while you were abducted by a known killer, you had a tracking device and a team of people to back you up. You considered yourself to be in control even despite what was happening. Then when there was a moment in there somewhere when you felt genuine fear because you weren’t in control. The team lost your signal, it took too long to find you, you were injured, and the killer got away.” Amanda paused. “Whose fault is that?”
“No one’s. That’s just how it played out. I knew the variables. I knew I could be killed, the plan wasn’t fool-proof. Too bad we were the fools.”
“And yet you still volunteered.” Amanda uncrossed her legs and stood. “And now he wants you to come after him.”
Caisey shrugged. “I’d be well within my rights to kill him if the situation arose.”
“I believe you. I also believe you would come in the next day and quit.” Amanda’s eyes softened. “Tell me. Do you enjoy being an FBI agent?”
“What does enjoying have to do with it?”
“Having a calling is very noble, but any job should have good days. Not just mediocre ones interspersed with particularly bad days. Have you ever even had a good day on this job?”
Caisey closed her mouth. What did she say to that? No job was perfect. Hers was more stressful than most, especially given what was happening but it would get better as time went on. Wouldn’t it?
“I’ve wondered why you’d choose it in the first place, if not for your father being an agent. Living as a legacy is a powerful motivator. Especially when you’ve experienced first- hand the damage that can be done to someone innocent caught in the crossfire. You’re trying to live up to a legendary agent shot in the line of duty. But that doesn’t mean you have to live your life on the edge of death every minute for the sake of keeping everyone safe. Eventually you’re going to have to let go.”
**
Caisey looked up from her computer when Burkot approached her desk. “I’m only clearing out my inbox.”
“Good. When you’re done, head home.” Sometimes her boss reminded her of her dad, especially when he sat on the corner of her desk like that. “Let everyone know to be careful. It wouldn’t hurt for your Grams and everyone to keep an eye out. Stay safe. We don’t need anyone caught in the middle if this guy sets his sights on you.”
And wasn’t that the understatement of the century. “Will do, sir. What about the missing girl?”
“The team is headed to Buckshot this afternoon.”
Buckshot? That was where the girl had gone missing? “My dad had cabin there.”
“Of course he did.” Burkot sighed. “Have you thought about taking a vacation? Pack everyone up and head to a beach for a couple of weeks until your leg is healed and this guy is caught?”
Caisey bit her lip. Getting out of town wasn’t a wholly bad idea, but if the killer decided to pursue her, she wasn’t going to take her family. She would go alone…and armed. And come back when the guy was caught, only she’d be the one doing the catching.
She nodded to Burkot. “I’ll think about it.”
“You’re a lot like him, you know?”
She waited.
“Your dad.”
Caisey smiled, praying silently they weren’t about to have this conversation.
“Never backed down from anything. Stubborn enough he’d chase down an angle no one else thought was worth a second look and then he would wind up breaking open the whole case. Happened more than once, though we only worked together directly for a short while there at the end.”
“I remember.” She did, because years ago his need to get to the bottom of everything nearly got her killed.
Burkot stared at her for a moment and then turned to the room at large. “Okay, people. Let’s get this done!”
While Burkot strode off to his office, Liam sat at his desk and grinned. “Another rousing speech?”
Caisey smiled. “Something like that.”
His eyes narrowed. “What is that look? I’ve seen it before and it never means anything good. What are you thinking?”
She felt her smile drop.
“What did Burkot say to you?”
“He suggested I take a vacation.” Caisey sighed. “Actually, it sounds like a good idea.”
“I thought you already were on vacation.”
Caisey closed her eyes. Her shoulders shook and her mouth curled up with the surge of amusement that came out of nowhere. Nothing about this was funny.
“You might want to start with a nap. You look punch-drunk tired.”
“Yeah.” She opened her eyes. “We get anything on the trace from the phone call?”
Liam shook his head. “He used a computer to make the call and the signal goes all over the place. Should keep the techs busy for a while.”
“Great.” She sighed again and fished around in her desk drawer for her keys. “You know what? A nap sounds good.” She stood up and shrugged on her coat. “Call me later if we learn anything else and keep me posted.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
She nodded. Fatigue wasn’t something she needed to feign. What would Liam say when he found out what she was going to do? As long as nothing happened to him or Andrea, or Grams, Jenna or Jake…then who cared?
It had been years since she’d visited her dad’s old hunting cabin. If she happened to meet some locals and find out more about the man their sheriff had arrested it would simply be coincidental. She needed to clear out the cabin anyway, maybe talk to someone about renting it out, or selling it. The place was probably falling down by now but it might be good to be in a place where she could feel close to her dad. Get some perspective.
If it served the dual purpose of being a landing spot where the team could fuel up with food and coffee and get some sleep, that was fine. She’d be saving money they could spend elsewhere in catching this killer.
What could it hurt?