Andrea had suffered a restless night’s sleep, tossing and turning. It was no wonder, since most things in her life were falling apart. She had slept alone in her own apartment because Tommy was in Los Angeles for a pre-recorded chat show interview about his solo work and wasn’t coming back until later that day. All that had been going through her mind for the last four days was that Sofia hated her. And she had no idea if she could ever repair her relationship with Rosalie.
But on top of that, she had experienced stabbing pains in her lower abdomen. At three a.m. she had made herself a hot water bottle, which had eased the pain enough that she had managed to settle into a short sleep before her alarm sounded its wake-up call.
She had just ended a terse meeting with her executive board and was now pacing the floor of her office, trying to walk off the pain that was now a constant ache in her stomach. Was it wind? Had she eaten something?
She was trying not to be melodramatic but had decided to give things until lunch time and if the pain hadn’t subsided by then, she would put in a call to her obstetrician and confirm what kind of painkillers she was allowed to take whilst pregnant.
She was startled by the entrance of Bryant Matthews – the man who had been gunning for the position of CEO and thought he was a shoo-in for the role ahead of Andrea – as her office door was opened so hard it clattered off the adjacent wall.
‘Were you born in a barn, Bryant?’ Andrea chided.
‘What the hell kind of presentation to the Board was that?’ he quipped, ignoring her remark.
Before she could retort, a stabbing pain struck Andrea’s stomach and her mind went blank as she breathed through it, trying not to let her weakness show.
‘I’m afraid you’ll have to expand on that,’ she told Bryant, forcing herself to stand upright and not fold forward.
He pushed his hands into the pockets of his suit pants defiantly. ‘You presented a load of nothing, Andrea. Since you took the position of CEO, Stellar’s books are down. That’s a pretty impressive rate of profit destruction, wouldn’t you say? Then you have the audacity to sit in that meeting and give us nothing – no way forward, no plans. What happened to your promise of luring in new stars, big-hitters? What happened to acquiring high-performing indie labels?’
Another strike of pain hit Andrea and she moved to her desk, leaning on it for support.
‘Bryant, we need to do this another time, I have a meeting.’
With another wave of pain, she bent forward, gripping the edges of her desk, unable to hide any more as she sucked air through her teeth.
Bryant came to her side. ‘Andrea? Are you okay? What’s wrong?’
She shook her head, still gripping the desk with one hand and holding her stomach with the other. ‘I’m fine.’
‘The hell you are,’ Bryant said.
What happened next was a blur. There was a flurry of shouting and activity around her but Andrea heard nothing distinctive because her eyes were fixed to the tears of blood that came from underneath her skirt and rolled down her legs.
No. No, please, no.
‘Shhh, let yourself go to sleep,’ Hannah said as she stroked Andrea’s temple and held her hand at the side of her hospital bed. ‘Close your eyes.’
‘Hannah, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything,’ Andrea said, grateful for her best friend.
‘I know you are, sweetie. I am too. Just rest.’ Andrea watched as a tear fell from Hannah’s eye. ‘I’m here.’
Andrea’s breath hitched as she tried to breathe in. She had been given painkillers, antibiotics and fluids but the intravenous plug in the back of her hand was currently empty as she lay in the small grey room.
She barely remembered the trip in the ambulance, what the doctors and nurses had been saying to each other and to her, she couldn’t remember who had called Hannah from the office and at what point she arrived at the hospital. All she could see when she closed her eyes was the blood. All she could hear when the room fell silent was the absurdity of the doctor who told her she had ‘lost’ her baby, as if she might find it again some place.
‘This is my fault,’ she said, her throat hoarse. ‘I deserve this for everything I’ve done.’
‘Hey! You stop that, right now,’ Hannah chided. ‘This is awful, Andi. So, so sad. But it is not your fault.’
Andrea’s chin quivered. She didn’t bother to argue but she knew it was her fault. It was her penance for sleeping with a married man, for causing her sister to hate her, for firing her best friend, who, despite everything, had rushed straight to her bedside.
‘What kind of baby would have chosen me?’
Hannah ran her thumbs under Andrea’s eyes for what felt like the millionth time in the last hour. ‘Andi, one day, you are going to be an incredible mommy. I promise you that.’
Andrea turned her head on her pillow and looked at her friend, whose honest, good eyes told her she meant those words. But Andrea had nothing to say in return.
Behind Hannah, the pastel-pink-coloured door to the room was gently pushed open. Tommy saw her and was instantly at her side, lifting her to him and cradling her head against his stomach, where Andrea was happy to be held.
‘I’m going to get a coffee,’ Hannah said.
When Andrea heard the door close, her heart broke a little bit more and she wept in Tommy’s hold. He shuffled her over on the bed and climbed on top of the white cotton sheets next to her. With her head cradled against his chest, she heard his heartbeat rise and she heard him sniff back his own tears.
They had decided to be a family, no matter what. And they had only had four days to enjoy that together.
‘I’m sorry,’ she told him over and over again. ‘I’m so sorry.’
He pressed his lips to her head. ‘You’re killing me, Andi. What can I do? I need you to tell me how to make this better, baby. We’ll try again. We’ll try again. I love you so much.’
‘I’ve messed up everything, Tommy. Sofia hates me. She hates me. I don’t want to be at Stellar any more. I’ve screwed up so badly with Rosalie. It’s a miracle Hannah will even speak to me.’
He held her tighter against him. ‘Nobody hates you, Andi. We all love you. You’ve made some mistakes. That’s life. Losing the baby…’ His voice broke. Once he had gathered himself, he continued. ‘It’s nothing to do with anything else except really shitty luck. It just wasn’t your time. But it will be. It will be our time.’
She wasn’t sure how long they lay like that but in Tommy’s arms, she finally felt like she could drift to sleep. ‘I just want it to be like it used to be,’ she murmured, before everything went dark.