Are You Trying to Make Me Angry?

(Conflict Letter)

Interpersonal conflict is inevitable. Even if you are the nicest person in the world, surrounded by other incredibly nice and courteous people, conflict will arise, perhaps taking the form of a certain amount of annoyance about how nice everyone is.

For this experience, you’re going to really let loose on someone with whom you’re having a conflict. It may be constant or periodic, large or small.

It may be that your spouse, the love of your life, whom you will be spending the rest of your days with, to the point where you hope one day to pass away side by side in your shared nursing-home bed has a habit of using half of a Splenda packet and then trying to save the second half of the packet by twisting the top closed, but because the packets are so small, they inevitably reopen, spilling the tiny Splenda crystals onto the counter, thus rendering the saving of the packet moot and irritating you, because now there’s also a mess.

Phew. Got a little heated up just thinking about it.

You may have a bigger conflict, which is also fine. The goal here is to really give a piece of your mind to the person you’re having the conflict with. It could be a friend, a roommate, a parent, a boss, a coworker—anyone. It could even be a situation where the person with whom you’re in conflict is unaware of the problem.

AUDIENCE

You’re writing directly to the person with whom you’re in conflict. It’s a letter.

PROCESS

1. Identify the person with whom you are in conflict and the evidence of that conflict.

What are you mad about? Why does this make you mad? Gather the information and evidence surrounding your conflict.

2. Let ’em have it.

Write the letter telling the person with whom you’re in conflict about the conflict, how you’re being harmed, and what you want them to do about it. Make sure it’s sufficiently clear and detailed so the other person knows what you’re talking about.

3. Sigh with satisfaction.

How did that feel? Was it good to get it off your chest? Even though the situation is entirely unchanged, it can still feel good just to unburden yourself on the page.

4. Show your letter to someone else with no relationship to, or stake in, the conflict.

This is very, very important. Under no circumstances should you show your letter to the person with whom you’re in conflict or even anyone who may be related to the conflict. Find an impartial, neutral observer. If there’s anything in the letter you’d rather not disclose to this person, feel free to edit it out for these purposes.

Ask this person to try to read it from the perspective of the recipient. If they were the recipient, how would they react to receiving it?

REFLECT

A guess based on my experience: your disinterested reader believes if you sent this letter to the person with whom you’re in conflict, the conflict would not only not be solved but would intensify, much the same way me exclaiming to my beloved spouse, “For the love all that’s holy, either use the whole Splenda packet or throw out the rest!” didn’t go over so well.

It is rare to impossible for these sorts of conflicts to be solved by one person using a barrage of accusations to force the other to back down. Even if you have the power or influence to force them to comply with your wishes, you’ve merely transferred the conflict to the other person, and some kind of larger reckoning or blowup seems inevitable.

Now that you’ve had a chance to vent a little, it’s time to try a different approach, the solution letter.