How Can I Help You Help Me?

(Solution Letter)

As should be clear at this point, the letter you wrote to the person with whom you’re having conflict is unlikely to have a positive effect. It would only make things worse, and yet the conflict remains, so it’s important to try to do something to address it.

You’re going to write another letter, except this time you’re going to try to focus on a solution, rather than the problem.

AUDIENCE

The audience is the same as in the conflict letter, though this time you’re going to spend more time thinking about them than thinking about yourself.

PROCESS

1. Considering the same conflict, take a step back and look at it from the point of view of the person with whom you’re in conflict.

What are their needs in relation to the situation? Why do you think they’ve adopted the stance or attitudes they hold? Do your best to give them the benefit of the doubt.

What needs are they fulfilling by engaging in the behavior that seems to be causing a conflict with you?

2. Now spend some time thinking about your needs.

What is it you need in regard to this situation?

Try not to think about it as something as reductive as, “I need my spouse to stop using Splenda packets so I never have to look at another one in my life.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with using Splenda packets. My need in this conflict is rooted more in feelings that I’m being tasked with cleaning up after someone who is perfectly capable of cleaning up after herself but for some reason doesn’t do it.

In other words, it’s not about the Splenda. And, by and large, I don’t spend a lot of time cleaning up after my spouse, at least not any more than she cleans up after me. It’s just that this thing really bugs me.

I often hear from students about roommate problems. For instance, one person is a night owl and the other an early riser. In this case, both parties have a need to use their shared space in ways that meet their rhythms. If the people in conflict focus on their needs, they may be able to find a win-win solution to the problem.

3. Look for a solution.

Rather than thinking about ending the conflict by getting the other person to do exactly what you want them to do, see if you can find a third way that meets both of your needs. This isn’t necessarily a compromise, like it’ll be okay if Splenda packets are left on the counter every other day. Often those compromises just make both parties feel crummy.

Try to find a solution, or perhaps a first step toward a solution, that you would feel comfortable proposing to the person with whom you’re in conflict.

4. Write a new letter.

This time write a letter practicing maximum “rhetorical sensitivity.” Think of your goal as not to let them have a piece of your mind, but instead to demonstrate how much you’ve been thinking about things from their perspective. Let them see that you’ve tried to understand their mind-set.

Structurewise, think about how you may want to open the letter in a way that gets them feeling comfortable, rather than defensive. Then transition to your solution and do your best to explain how you think it will benefit everyone involved. Write to them in a tone that you think you’d respond well to if you were on the receiving end.

5. Test the letter.

If possible, show the letter to the same person who read the previous one. Once again, ask them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. Do they think it will work better than the other letter?

Do they have any suggestions for improvement, either in tone or structure or even in the solution itself?

REFLECT

Some people decide to go ahead and show the letter to the person with whom they’re having a conflict. Others use the letter as a template for a conversation. Others take no action. All of the above are acceptable. No one choice is superior. You get to act in the interests of your own well-being.

One thing worth doing at this point is to take a moment to consider your emotional state after drafting each letter. Did you feel different after writing the second letter than after the first? How? Which feeling do you prefer?