Gude mariye!” Lindsay sang as she climbed into Matthew’s buggy the following morning, hoping he’d be in a better mood. “Wie geht’s?”
“I’m fine. How are you?” He gave her a slight nod before turning toward the horse and directing it down the driveway to the road.
“I’m gut.” Apprehension nipped at her as she studied his handsome profile. “Did you sleep well last night?”
“Ya.” He kept his eyes trained straight ahead while guiding the horse. “Did you?”
Her smiled faded. The deep purple circles under his eyes told her he hadn’t slept much at all, and the strong set of his jaw revealed something was bothering him—no matter what he’d said the night before.
“Ya, I did. Danki.”
They rode in silence for several minutes. He hadn’t seemed like it last evening, but was he angry with her for some reason?
Lindsay fingered the wooden heart in her apron pocket. Matthew gave it to her the day she was baptized, and she often put it there when she was with him. She was glad to find it as the anxiety that had haunted her last night came over her once again.
She couldn’t stand the silence any longer.
“Are you upset with me?” The question leapt from her lips as Matthew halted the horse at a red light.
“What?” He turned toward her, his dark eyebrows drawn together. “Why would I be upset with you?”
“I don’t know.” She turned her hands palms up. “You’ve been acting distracted and upset since last night. You said you slept well, but the dark circles under your eyes seem to tell a different story.”
A muscle in his jaw twitched as he looked at her. “You’re right. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Why?” A new thought gripped her emotions. “Have you changed your mind about marrying me?” Her voice wobbled as tears threatened to fall.
“No!” He touched her hand. “I would never change my mind about you or about us.”
“Okay.” She sniffed, but her stomach still felt tied in worried knots.
He glanced toward the traffic light and then guided the horse through the intersection.
“If it’s not me, then what is it? Was iss letz?” She bit back the urge to beg him to tell her what was troubling him.
He blew out a deep sigh and something flashed in his eyes, but she wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe apprehension? He was silent for a few more beats, and she held her breath.
Please tell me the truth, Matthew.
“I’ve just been concerned about the haus,” he finally said.
“What do you mean?”
“I want to finish it on time.” He gave her a quick, sideways glance. “I don’t want to disappoint you by not having it done in time for our wedding.”
She raised her eyebrows and waited for him to elaborate. When he remained silent, she blew out a sigh of relief.
“Is that all that’s bothering you?” He nodded while focusing on the road ahead. “It’s only May. You have six months to finish our haus. And if it’s not done in time we can always live with your schweschder or mei aenti until the haus is done. There’s no rush to finish it.”
He gave her a curt nod, but something unspoken remained in his rigid posture and steely gaze. He wasn’t revealing everything troubling his heart, and the revelation cut her to the quick.
He glanced at her and she saw warmth in his eyes. “Is that a new dress?”
She glanced down at the emerald-colored dress she’d made earlier in the week. “Ya, it is.”
He steered the horse into the Ebersol family’s driveway, already lined with buggies. “You look schee today. That green is fantastic. It really brings out your red hair and green eyes.”
“Danki.”
“Gern gschehne.”
She smoothed her hands over her apron as confusion settled over her. Maybe he wasn’t upset with her and he really was concerned only about the house. But if that was true, then why did tension still radiate off him?
“I’ll see you after the service,” he said as he halted the horse.
“Ya.” She touched his hand, and he met her gaze. “Remember I love you. You can tell me anything.”
“I know.” His voice was soft.
“If there’s something else on your mind, you don’t need to be afraid to share it with me.” She squeezed his hand and then climbed from the buggy.
“What’s bothering you?” Katie leaned in close as she sat beside Lindsay on the backless bench in the unmarried women’s section of the barn. The service had yet to begin.
Lindsay glanced across the barn to where Matthew sat with Jake and then crossed her arms over her apron. “Matthew seemed preoccupied and upset about something last night, and this morning too. I tried to get him to talk to me about it, but all he would say is he’s worried about finishing the haus in time for our wedding.”
“Oh.” Katie nodded slowly. “But you think it’s more than that?”
“Ya.” Lindsay angled her body toward Katie. “I know it sounds narrisch, but I just have this feeling he’s not telling me something. Do you ever have that feeling with Jake?”
“I don’t know.” Katie glanced across the barn toward where the young men sat. “We haven’t been together as long as you and Matthew have, but we seem to talk about everything.”
“We do too. At least I thought we did.” She looked over at Matthew, who was staring at his lap. “Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe he’s only concerned about finishing the haus on time.”
“What did you say when he told you he was worried about the haus?”
“I told him there isn’t any rush to finish it.” She met Katie’s concerned gaze. “I said we could live with his schweschder or mei aenti. I just want to be with him.”
Katie touched her arm. “Just keep telling him that, and he’ll calm down. You know how serious he can be. Keep showing him how much you’ll love and support him no matter what, and everything will be fine.”
“I hope so.” Lindsay looked again at Matthew. Maybe he would open up to her soon.
“You look like you’re about to come out of your skin,” a voice said.
Matthew glanced over at Jake, who seemed to be studying him again. “What do you mean?”
Jake glanced around and then leaned closer, lowering his voice. “You seem even more stressed out than you were last night.”
Matthew shrugged. “I didn’t sleep well. I’m just naerfich about going to the bank tomorrow.”
“What did Lindsay say when you told her what’s happening? I assume you two talked after you visited your schweschder last night.”
“No, I haven’t told her.” Matthew folded his arms over his chest.
“You haven’t told her?” Jake gave Matthew a light punch on his shoulder. “When are you going to?”
“I don’t know.” Matthew looked over at Jake’s stunned expression. “First I need to have a concrete plan for what I’m going to do.”
“Have you considered asking Daniel for help? He’s not just one of your bosses. He’s your freind.”
Matthew shook his head.
“Why not? Daniel has a lot of respect for you. He would help you. You should ask him for advice.”
“I have a plan for now. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll talk to Daniel.”
Jake opened his mouth to respond just as the service began with a hymn. He closed his mouth and picked up the songbook.
“Jake.” Matthew leaned over and spoke into his ear. “Please keep this to yourself. Not only are Earl and Betsy not ready to tell everyone what’s going on, but I’m not ready to let Lindsay or the Kauffman family know either. Promise me again you won’t tell anyone what I told you.”
“I promise.”
“Danki.” Matthew swallowed his frustration and joined in as the congregation slowly sang the opening hymn. A young man sitting behind them served as the song leader, singing the first syllable of each line. Then the rest of the congregation joined in to finish the verse.
As Matthew tried to redirect his thoughts toward the service, he silently prayed God would send him a solution so he wouldn’t lose Lindsay and the future he’d planned for them.
“Danki for taking me to church with you,” Lindsay said as Matthew halted the horse by her back porch. “The luncheon was gut, as usual.”
“Gern gschehne.”
He gripped the reins and she once again took in his rigid posture and the hard line of his jaw. “Would you like to come in and visit for a while? I brought home some goodies from the bakery yesterday.”
“No, danki.” He shook his head. “I’m going to go home and take a nap.”
“Are you sure? The kinner would love to see you. They ask about you constantly.”
“I appreciate the invitation, but I’m really tired after not sleeping much last night. I promise I’ll come visit soon.”
“Okay.” Her shoulders fell as her hope deflated. “Matthew, please. If you need to talk to me, I’ll listen.”
He swallowed, and he seemed tenser than ever. “Danki. But I’m fine.”
Was he holding back emotion? Alarm surged through her. She opened her mouth to beg him to tell her what was wrong, but he cut her off.
“I should go. Please tell Rebecca and Daniel I said hello.” He reached out and touched her hand. “Have a gut day.”
“You too.” Lindsay pushed open the door and climbed out. She waved as his horse and buggy started down the driveway toward the road.
Foreboding, heavy and suffocating, pressed down on her shoulders as she climbed the porch steps and entered the house. She walked into the family room, where Aenti Rebecca sat in the rocking chair with Gracie against her chest. Lindsay crossed the room and touched Gracie’s back.
Aenti Rebecca smiled up at her. “How was church?”
“It was gut.” Lindsay sank into the high-backed chair beside her. “Where are the other kinner?”
“They’re taking a nap. Daniel is too.” She tilted her head. “Was iss letz?”
Lindsay’s lower lip quivered.
“Ach, mei liewe.” Aenti Rebecca leaned over and touched her arm. “Did you have a disagreement with Matthew?”
“It’s worse than that.” Lindsay dabbed her tears with her fingers. “Something’s wrong, and he won’t tell me what it is. I’ve tried more than once to get him to talk to me, but I feel as though he’s not telling me everything.” She explained their conversation about the house and how she told him she didn’t care where they live after they were married. “He refused to come in and visit today because he said he was tired after not sleeping well last night, worrying over it.”
She ran her fingers over the chair arms. “But I know that’s not what’s wrong. I can’t help him if he won’t talk to me. I asked him if I’d done something, and he said it wasn’t me, and that he hasn’t changed his mind about us. But I can’t help feeling as though I’m going to lose him.” She sniffed as tears leaked down her cheeks, splattering her arm.
“Ach, no. Don’t cry.” Aenti Rebecca set a sleeping Gracie in the nearby swing and then moved the rocking chair closer to Lindsay before sitting back down. She handed Lindsay a handful of tissues. Lindsay wiped her nose and leaned her head against the back of her chair.
“Look at me,” Aenti Rebecca instructed, and Lindsay turned her head. “Matthew loves you, and he’s devoted to you. I could tell when you first started dating each other.” She paused as if gathering her thoughts. “Matthew reminds me a lot of Daniel. He’s quiet and intense, but he’s also devoted and loyal. You remember how tough things were between Daniel and me when you and Jessica came to live with us, right?”
“Ya, of course I do.” Lindsay sniffed.
“He and I had some rough times, but we made it through. When he gets upset about something he shuts down, and it takes him a while to open up. I think Matthew is the same way. Something is bothering him now, and he’s still processing it. He’ll open up to you when he’s ready to share it.” She rubbed Lindsay’s arm.
Lindsay gasped. “You’re right. He is a lot like Onkel Daniel. I never made the connection before.”
Aenti Rebecca smiled. “Daniel has shut me out many times. It’s frustrating, but I’ve had to learn to live with it. I try to get him to talk to me, but sometimes it doesn’t work. I just have to wait it out.”
“It just hurts so much.” Lindsay hugged her arms to her chest. “I feel like my heart is going to shatter.”
“Ya, that’s exactly how it feels for me too. Of course, after we work things out, I remind Daniel how much it hurt me. He understands, but it’s his personality to get quiet while he works things out on his own.”
Aenti Rebecca sighed. “I know this is difficult, and I would take away your pain if I could. But you need to be strong, Lindsay. You need to have faith in your relationship with Matthew and give him time to work through whatever is bothering him. Let him come to you when he’s ready, and then listen to him and offer your support. After the smoke clears, tell him how much it hurt you when he shut you out. If you tell him how you feel, your relationship will get stronger.”
“Okay.” Leaning forward, she hugged her aunt. “Danki.”
Aenti Rebecca patted her back. “Gern gschehne. You’re a strong maedel. You’ll get through this and come out stronger as a couple. Be sure to pray for Matthew, and everything will be just fine.”
“Ya, I will.” Lindsay sat up straighter as confidence surged through her. She would give Matthew the time he needed. In her heart, she believed their relationship was strong enough to make it through the hard times, and she prayed he believed it too.