Ryder stayed away from the house for as long as he could. It was ridiculous. He’d spent his life’s savings on a place where he could hang his hat, put his feet up, and chill when he wasn’t on the road. But because of one curvy caregiver, he’d banished himself from the goddamn property.
Last night, after they’d tangled tongues, he’d sat in his truck for hours up on a fire trail in the middle of nowhere, trying to get his head on straight. Of all the boneheaded moves. Even after their little talk about how it couldn’t happen again, Ryder wanted an encore performance.
But he couldn’t stay away forever. He had paperwork he needed to do, and he wanted to check in on his mother.
Maybe he could duck in the house for a few minutes, careful to avoid Joey, then hole up in his fifth wheel for the rest of the evening.
But that plan was laid to rest when he pulled up the driveway. Joey was sitting on the front porch. He bobbed his head at her and got out of his truck.
“How’d it go?”
“Good. Your mom’s taking a nap before dinner.”
“Another nap, huh?” He raised his brows.
She patted the rocker next to hers. “I got some names of therapists from Ethan. He suggested we talk to her primary physician first. I can do that, but it might be better if we did it together. Today was good for her, though. Getting out, being fussed over, a new hairstyle—which, by the way, she loves—perked her up. I’ll try to plan some more excursions similar to today. Perhaps a mall in Reno. She could use a few things that fit her. She’s lost weight.”
“I noticed.” He sat. “I should probably take her, maybe show her around Cascade Village. What do you think?”
“She’d definitely enjoy spending time with you. Maybe wait on Cascade Village, though. Let’s see what her doctor and therapist think.”
He glanced over at her. She was wearing the same jeans and shirt she’d worn this morning. In the afternoon light, the blouse was kind of see-through, and Ryder had to avert his eyes not to stare. Last night, she’d felt so good pressed against him. But there weren’t going to be any instant replays.
“You have a productive day?” she asked to break the silence.
“It was okay.” If he considered finding errands to keep him busy okay. He’d bought a ratchet set he didn’t need at the hardware store, a pair of boots from Lucky’s wife that were finer than anything he’d ever have need for, and a goddamn birdhouse from Farm Supply. A birdhouse. So far, Joey was costing him a fortune.
“I ordered a table, chairs, and an umbrella for the backyard,” he said. “Delivery is in a few days.”
Joey eyed the birdhouse he’d rested on the porch railing, and her mouth slid up. “Aren’t you the homemaker?”
He wanted to tell her it was her fault he’d gone on a shopping spree. He’d bought more crap today than he had in the last two years. “I like birds.”
She eyed him skeptically. “Where’s the birdseed? I’ll hang it for you.”
Shit. Grace hadn’t said anything about birdseed.
She laughed, reading his mind. “Tell you what, I’ll get birdseed if you’ll sit with your mom for a couple of hours this evening.”
“You got a thing with your daughter?” he guessed.
“No, but I need to run to Reno.”
“Everything okay with your folks…your brother?” Or maybe she needed to hit a meeting. It wasn’t his business, but then again, it sort of was. He was entrusting her with the well-being of his mother.
“I have to pick up my mail.” She paused and let out a breath. “A letter came from the state nursing board.”
He leaned back in the rocker and propped his boots up on the railing. “Good news?”
“I don’t know yet. I wouldn’t let my mother open it.”
He could feel her tension radiating across the porch. A career and everything she’d worked toward hung in the balance. He couldn’t blame her for wanting to go tonight.
“I’ll take you.”
She jerked in surprise. “I can drive myself. Someone has to stay with Shiv.”
“I could probably find someone to hang out for a few hours.” Though he didn’t know who. Lucky or Tawny maybe, but it was a big ask. “We could always bring her along. But you shouldn’t do this alone.”
“You think it’s bad news?” She squeezed her eyes shut.
“You’d know better than me. But you deserve your license, Joey.” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “Hell, you’ve been nothing short of great for my mom. No matter what the letter says, you should be with someone when you open it.”
She pinned him with a look. “Why? You think if it’s a hard no, I’ll fall off the wagon?”
To be frank, it had crossed his mind, though he wouldn’t confess to it. “I didn’t say that. But is moral support such a bad idea?”
“No.” She let out a sigh. “I could use it. I’ve waited for this for over a year. I would’ve had my mother read it to me over the phone, but…I couldn’t. Too humiliating if the answer is no. They’ve already seen me at my lowest point. I don’t want to go there again.”
“You don’t have to worry about me,” he said. Lord knew, his lowest point hadn’t been pretty. “No judgment here.”
She got to her feet. “Let me make a call. I may have a solution so your mom can stay home.” She disappeared inside the house.
Good going, Ryder. He’d spent the entire day hiding from her, only to offer to be alone in a car with her for two hours. Hey, everyone needed a friend every now and again. Even an asshole like him recognized that.
He’d go with her to Reno, read the letter, and come home. No kissing. No nothing. End of story.
She returned a short time later to the porch, a sweater draped over her arm. “Ethan said he’d do it.”
At first, he thought she meant that her ex was going with her to Reno, which would’ve pissed him off if he hadn’t quickly realized she was leaving the surgeon with Shiv. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“What? You don’t trust a doctor? Brynn’s coming with him.” She rolled her eyes. “The kids are with Ethan’s stepmother. I didn’t tell him about the letter, just said a last-minute meeting came up with the Cascade Village folks about a vacancy for your mom. So, don’t spill the beans.”
“You and your ex have a strange relationship,” he said, shaking his head.
Thirty minutes later, he and Joey were on the road. “Why didn’t you tell your ex?” He slid her a sideways glance as he merged onto the interstate.
“I guess for the same reason I didn’t want my mother to know. I’m tired of letting everyone down.”
“Letting everyone down? It’s out of your control and in the hands of the licensing board, right?”
“Yeah, but their decision is based on my screwups.”
There wasn’t a whole lot he could say to counter that. At least she was accountable. There was a lot to say for that. After Leslie died, he’d done a lot of crazy shit. It had taken him a long time to man up to his mistakes. Even longer to accept that if he didn’t change his lifestyle, he was going to wind up dead, too.
“Should we make a plan?”
“A plan? For what?”
“Bad news. How to handle that.”
She pressed her forehead against the passenger window. “After a year of not hearing from them, I pretty much accepted that I wasn’t getting reinstated. I’m prepared for the worst.”
He hesitated to ask, but he knew she had to be thinking it. “What if the answer is yes?”
“I’ll start looking for a job at a hospital.” She twisted around to face him. “But I won’t leave you in the lurch. I would never do that.”
He believed her.
“But, Ryder, it’s a safe bet that it isn’t going to happen. I’ll be sad, but in my heart I’ve accepted it.”
The fact that she was rushing to get the letter was proof to the contrary, he thought. But he didn’t argue the point.
As they got closer to Reno, Joey’s anxiety became palpable. Ryder could feel it emanating across the cab of his pickup. Despite his self-imposed no-touching policy, he reached for her hand and held it.
“Whatever the letter says, you’ll be fine, Joey Nix. You’ll be just fine.”
“I know, yet my stomach is turning inside out. It’s just that all I ever wanted to be was a nurse. Science was my thing, you know? I couldn’t write my way out of a paper bag, and classic literature put me to sleep. But I aced biology, chemistry, anatomy and physiology. And most of all, I love helping people. Even when I was a kid, I volunteered at Renown two days a week, working as a Candy Striper. And every holiday season I read to the seniors at the retirement home near our house. At the risk of sounding corny, nursing was my life’s calling. And while I’ve accepted that there are other ways to use my skills, losing my vocation is like losing myself.”
“I get it,” he said, switching lanes to get out from behind a slow-poke late-model Chrysler. “It was a lot like that for me when I left saddle bronc riding.”
“Why did you leave?”
He usually told people that he’d gotten too old for the sport, but that was a straight-up lie. He’d still be doing it today if things were different. “I was taking too many crazy chances. Riding when I was either too drunk or too injured to walk.”
“Why?” She turned in her seat. “Did you need to win that badly?”
He’d always wanted to win. But never to the point of stupid.
“Nope, death wish.” Ryder had never told anyone that. Some people went in their garages, shut the windows and doors, and turned their car engines on. Instead, he’d climbed up on raging horses and ignored the rules. “After my wife died, I didn’t want to live anymore.”
He couldn’t believe he was talking about it. But she had opened the floodgate.
“I’m so sorry, Ryder. What about…Are you doing better now?”
What was better? Sadness eating away at him until he was nothing but a shell of a man who could barely drag himself out of bed in the morning? Or a numbness that had him going through the motions without actually having a life? Joey had been the first woman since Leslie who had made him feel things again. Things he didn’t want to feel.
“Do I still want to kill myself?” He let out a mirthless laugh. “I’ve got too many people relying on me.”
“But that’s why you don’t compete anymore?”
“That’s why I stopped. Then I found that owning a trucking company was more profitable.” Not as exciting as bronc busting, but it paid the bills. Rodeoing was a rush, and when he won, the money was good. But it had always been a gamble.
“Tell me how she died?”
“I will.” He swallowed hard. “But not today.” Today was about Joey. “Let me know which exit to take.”
Joey gave him directions, and they rode the rest of the way in silence. He wondered if he’d told her too much. If the wound he’d opened had repelled her. Ah, what did he care?
They pulled up to a sprawling ranch house. It looked like most of the homes in the San Joaquin Valley, where he’d grown up. American cheese sandwiched between two slices of white bread. Comforting, but nothing fancy.
An overweight dog, a cross between a rottweiler and a retriever if Ryder had to guess, howled at them. Within a few seconds, the mutt lost interest and stretched out in a sunny spot in the front yard.
An older version of Joey with poufy red hair came out the front door. In her younger days, she’d probably been a bombshell. She gave him a once-over, and a big smile lit her face.
“That was quick. Come inside and say hi to your daddy.”
Joey gave Ryder an apologetic glance and introduced him to her mother. He noted that she’d made sure to emphasize that he was her employer. The house held the faint scent of cigarette smoke. They passed through the front room, which, despite the slider that opened to a nice-sized built-in pool, was dark. A big-ass flatscreen hung on the wall, and the bookcases were cluttered with knickknacks and pictures. Lots of Joey during various stages of her life. Horse shows, prom, cheerleader, graduation, wedding. He was surprised that last one was still up.
Ryder would’ve liked to have taken a closer look, but they were moving at a fast clip to the kitchen, where the table had been set for dinner.
“Hi, Daddy.” Joey hugged her old man, a big guy with jowls and an older version of Joey’s brother.
He got up and wrapped his daughter in a bear hug. “You staying for supper?”
“No, we’ve gotta get back.”
Joey’s dad darted a glance at Ryder, and she made the introductions like she had with her mother.
Lou Ellen and Ace.
He gave Ace a firm handshake, wondering how it stacked up against Ethan’s. The meet-the-family thing was kind of surreal.
They stood around in the kitchen for a while, making small talk while Lou Ellen put the finishing touches on a casserole.
“Where’s my granddaughter?” Ace asked.
“She’s home, Daddy. We have a meeting with the senior coordinator of the planned community where Ryder’s mom is going to live. I just wanted to drop by and say hi.”
Ryder watched as Joey and Lou Ellen exchanged glances. They disappeared for a few minutes, leaving him alone with Ace.
“So, you own a trucking company, huh?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You should talk to my son, Jay. He owns a Ford dealership.”
Ryder didn’t really know what a trucking company had to do with Jay’s Ford dealership, but he nodded anyway.
Joey returned with her mother and nudged Ryder. “We’ve got to get going if we want to make our meeting on time.”
It was all Ryder could do not to roll his eyes. Lou Ellen walked them out and whispered to Joey, “Call me as soon as you open it,” loud enough for him to hear. Clearly, she was in on the subterfuge and not Ace.
When they got in his truck, he asked, “Why all the rigamarole with the bullshit meeting?”
“My dad doesn’t know about the letter, and I don’t want him to until I have had time to absorb whatever it says.”
“But your mom knows.”
“She’s the one who collects the mail. Not much I can do about that.”
“Where do you want to open it?” He turned on the ignition, assuming she didn’t want to read the letter in her parents’ driveway.
“I don’t know yet. Just drive.”
He did what he was told, heading in the direction of the interstate. They could either go back to California or drive deeper into Nevada. “Nugget or Winnemucca?”
She chewed on her bottom lip. “Nugget.”
He swung onto the 395. She took the letter out of her pocket and studied the return address, then flipped it over.
“I can pull over when we get to the California side.”
“Or maybe I’ll just wait until tomorrow.”
“Why? You won’t get any sleep tonight. Just get it done with.” It was easy for him to say. His career wasn’t hanging in the balance.
Ryder exited on CA-70 and pulled over at the first safe turnout.
“I’m not ready yet.” She shoved the envelope in her purse as if she was afraid that he’d take it from her and rip it open himself.
He got out of the truck, went to the passenger side, and pulled her out of the cab. The sun had started to set, and the desert sky, streaked in orange and violet, seemed to go on forever. The temperature was cool with a soft breeze, and the smell of creosote filled the air. Miles of scrub brush stretched out before them. It was haunting and lonely and so beautiful it made Ryder’s chest ache.
He gathered Joey up in his arms and kissed her. Slow at first, then with an intensity that made him lose himself. She returned the kiss with the same fervor. Breathless and desperate. Clinging to him, she hummed into his mouth a low, needy moan, urging him on. He cupped the back of her head and tilted her face so he could go deeper, bruising her lips with his.
His fingers combed through her silky hair, which smelled like sunshine. Her hands moved under his shirt, brushing against his abs, making him suck in his breath. He wanted to touch her, too. Her skin, her breasts.
A series of cars whooshed by, breaking the mood, and they both backed away.
Joey touched her lips. “What was that for?”
He’d gone and broken his own goddamn rules. He scrubbed his hand through his hair. “Hell if I know.”
She leaned against his truck, trying to catch her breath. He flipped the tailgate down and motioned for her to sit next to him. A few more cars passed, but for the most part, this stretch of highway was quiet. There was only the occasional cry of a red-tailed hawk in flight.
“I guess I thought it would distract you from the letter. Maybe give you the courage you needed to open it.” It was as good a reason as any for the kiss.
She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, letting the last rays of sunlight beat down on her face. “Should I just do it?”
“It’s up to you. But yeah, I think you should.”
“Okay.” But she didn’t make a move to retrieve her purse.
He took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers. Together, they leaned back on their elbows, staring up at the sky. The moment felt more intimate than the kiss. Ryder’s first instinct was to pull away. But he couldn’t. It was as if something vital in him would wither if he broke contact.
“I guess I need to do this. I told Ethan we’d only be a few hours.” She scooted off the tailgate, opened the passenger door, and returned with the envelope. “Ready?”
“The question is, are you ready?”
“Not really, but I don’t think I’ll ever be.” She tore open the seal and pulled out what looked like a form letter. “Here goes.”
With shaking hands, she read it to herself, then folded it up and stuck it back in the envelope.
“What does it say?”
Her shoulders shuddered, and she wiped at her eyes. “I can’t freaking believe it.”
“You gonna hold me in suspense, or are you going to tell me?”
“They’re considering my appeal and the process could take up to six months. That’s it.” She waved the envelope in the air. “All that buildup for a whole lot of nothing. I’ve already waited a goddamn year, and this is the best they can do.” She crumpled the envelope in her hand.
“I don’t understand,” he said, sitting upright. “Hadn’t they already told you they were taking up your appeal?”
“No, but I assumed it was automatic. A union rep said they’d either reinstate or deny me. I didn’t realize they could refuse to consider the appeal altogether.”
“Then this is good news, right? It means they’re at least willing to hear you out, which, in my mind, takes you that much closer to getting your license back.”
“I guess.” She huffed out a breath. “It’s just that I thought it was finally over and that I’d know one way or another and could move on with my life.”
“In my experience, bureaucracies don’t work that way. They like to drag things out and keep you hanging on by a thread. But all in all, I’d say this is very hopeful.”
“You think?” She swiped at her eyes again.
“Yeah. Clearly they haven’t written you off.”
“Not yet anyway.”
She hopped off the tailgate and offered him a hand. “We should get going.”
He got in the driver’s seat, waited for her to buckle in, and nosed out onto the road.
“Sorry,” she said. “Had I known all the letter said was that the board was taking up my appeal, I wouldn’t have been so dramatic about it.”
“No worries. It was a nice drive.”
She poked him in the arm. “Driving is work for you, not something you want to do on your day off.”
Not usually. But she was going above and beyond for his mom, so it was the least he could do. Yeah, right, keep telling yourself that.
“Ryder?”
“Hmm?”
“What’s going on with us?”
He thought about blowing off the question, turning it into an off-color joke. But Joey was too smart for that, she’d see right through him. Furthermore, he had too much respect for her to throw out some cheesy line.
“I think it’s pretty clear we’re attracted to each other. I was from that first day you walked into the Ponderosa. Maybe not you. Not that first day. But evidently I grew on you.” He glanced over at her and grinned. “I’m trying to stop, but apparently I’m doing a piss-poor job of it.”
“How do you stop being attracted to someone?” She twisted to the side to face him. “I’m not being flip. In all honesty, I want to know.”
“Beats the hell out of me. If you figure it out, let me know. But, Joey, I meant it when I said I don’t want a woman in my life. Even beyond complicating our work situation, I…can’t be with someone.”
“You don’t date? Not at all?”
He let out a sober laugh. “Dating is not what I would call it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means exactly what you think it means.” He gave her a pointed look, and the truck cab filled with silence.
They were ten minutes away from Nugget when she said, “Is it because of your wife? Like, anything more meaningful than a random hookup would be disloyal?”
Not disloyal. Leslie would want him to move on, he knew that. He simply couldn’t. Not after everything he’d lost.
He cleared his throat. “No. I just can’t.”
“That’s sad because you’re a good man, Ryder. You deserve happiness and someone to love. Someone who loves you.”
That was the thing. He didn’t.