Shiv read the letter again that evening. She’d thought about it all day in the cherry orchard. She could hear the deep cadence of Morgan’s voice with every word she read. Sometimes, when he’d spoken from the bench, she’d gotten lost in the melodic quality of it. His family had come to California during the Dust Bowl, and his speech still held a touch of Oklahoma. The accent was rich and reminded her of storytellers.
He wrote, asking how she was, how she liked her new home, and whether she was feeling better. All the things she’d known would be included in the note, written in his efficient handwriting on the letterhead he reserved for his personal correspondence.
There was nothing hinting of romance in the letter—and she knew there wouldn’t be—although his tone suggested he missed her. Or maybe she was delusional, misconstruing things that weren’t there.
Hadn’t that always been her problem? Believing that they were someday fated to be together. And here she was. Alone.
How had she not learned from Tanner? Those first few years, she’d left the porch light on for him, believing that one day he’d wake up and come home to her and their little boy. That other woman forgotten. But Shiv and Ryder had been the ones to be forgotten.
By the time Ryder went to middle school, she’d stopped waiting by the window for her cowboy. Any feelings she had left for him disappeared the day she walked into Morgan Lester’s courtroom. Unlike Tanner’s muscular build, Morgan was tall and rangy. An elegant man, who reminded her of Gregory Peck. He had a wall of diplomas that rivaled Tanner’s silver buckles.
The other way Morgan was vastly different from Tanner was that he stayed true to his vows.
She neatly folded up the letter and placed it on top of her dresser. At some point, she would write Morgan back. But not now, when she was feeling sorry for herself and frankly a little exhausted after the day’s outing.
It had been wonderful to be outside with the children. That Roni was a little charmer and Henry so polite. His mother had raised him right. She still couldn’t get over the fact that Ryder had joined them. When he’d offered to drive them to the orchard, she’d assumed he would drop them off and leave. She hadn’t bothered to invite him to participate, knowing that family-type activities were difficult for him.
And then, wow. Watching him with the children had filled her with a combination of wonder and a deep, abiding sadness. It wasn’t fair that he wasn’t a father. It wasn’t fair that his unborn child had been snatched away from him in the blink of an eye. Then again, when had life ever been fair?
She rolled over on her side and closed her eyes, but for the first time in months, sleep, her solace, evaded her. As the clock ticked by, she tossed and turned until finally giving up. Slipping into a robe, she padded to the front porch. The wooden boards felt cool and worn under her bare feet.
It wasn’t so late. Just a little past ten. Peter had long gone back to his hotel, and Joey was probably in her room, reading. The light was still on in Ryder’s camper. She held the railing tight, and instead of using the ramp, took one stair at a time, then crossed the yard to his door with the moon to guide her.
She gently tapped, deciding that if he didn’t answer, she’d turn around and go back to bed. But he swung the door open and seemed surprised to see her standing there.
“Who were you expecting?”
“Ma, what are you doing up?” His eyes took in her robe and stopped at her bare feet. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, just couldn’t sleep.”
“Where are your slippers?” He reached down and offered her an arm to come inside.
“I think I’m about ready to burn them.”
“Yeah?” He scratched his chin, then led her to the sofa. “Let me get you a glass of water.”
She wasn’t thirsty but took the drink anyway, and a quick glance around.
“Nice place” for a trailer. He should be living in the house he bought, sleeping in the room he’d given to her.
Ryder’s eyes quickly darted across the room, presumably checking to see if the camper was tidy. “I guess you’ve never been inside before.”
She shook her head. “You never invited me.”
His mouth ticked up. “Nope. Didn’t think you’d approve.”
She didn’t. He worked hard and should have a real home, not one on wheels. But she supposed wheels were good for running. “It was fine for when you were rodeoing but now…What do you hear from that retirement community you put me on the list for?” Retirement community, ha. It was an old-age home.
“Why are you asking me that, Ma? You want to run off on me?”
She reached over and held his chin like she used to do when he was a little boy. “I want you to stop running from life. I want you to be that man in the cherry orchard today.”
Ryder huffed and got to his feet. “I want you to be the happy woman you were before the stroke.”
She hadn’t been happy long before the stroke. It had started with retirement, when the days seemed to stretch on forever and she’d wandered around without any purpose. “What would go a long way to making me happy is seeing you happy.”
“Where did you get the impression that I wasn’t happy?” He sat in the recliner and kicked the chair back.
“Ryder? I’m your mother.” She scowled at him. “Roni and Henry adore you. And judging by the way Joey looks at you and you look at her…It’s time for you to move on. You’ve grieved Leslie and the baby long enough. You’ve punished yourself long enough. Grab some happiness while you still have time because one day you’ll wake up old and lonely and it’ll be too late.”
“Is that what happened to you?”
Her eyes filled, and she turned away to wipe them. “Yes, and I don’t want it to happen to you. You, my greatest joy, deserve better.”
He got up and sat next to her on the couch. “So do you. Why didn’t you find someone else after Tanner?” Ryder had stopped calling him “Dad” in high school. She used to think it was poetic justice. Now it filled her with guilt. She should’ve pushed harder for them to have a relationship, instead of taking secret pleasure that Ryder had rejected his father in solidarity with her. “I know there were men who were interested. You think it was for the love of planting that Mr. Brigham joined your garden club? The man didn’t know a damn annual from a perennial, and his backyard looked like shit.”
“Language, Ryder.”
“Sorry. My point is, there were men. Jonsie Christian’s dad spent two years trying to get you to go on a date with him. There were all those lawyers in the courthouse. Don’t tell me there wasn’t a single one in the lot you weren’t interested in.”
The one she was interested in she couldn’t have. “I didn’t want to bring someone into our lives who would disappoint you.”
“Ah, that’s the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard. You just couldn’t get over Tanner.”
She did a double take. “Is that what you think? Because it couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“Then you tell me what the problem was. Because it doesn’t make sense. Why the hell did you give up on love, Ma, if it wasn’t for Tanner?”
“I was putting my energies into other things…career, improving myself. Anyway, this is about you, not me. Why can’t you open yourself up again, Ryder? Why do you want to live all alone in this sardine can?”
“I thought you said you liked it.” His mouth quirked.
“For camping, not for hiding away.”
“I’m not hiding away. If you haven’t noticed, I’m running a good-sized company, I bought a house and moved to a nice, small town, and I went cherry picking today. I don’t know what you want from me.”
She turned sideways and took his large hands in hers. “I want you to stop pretending to go through the motions and really live. As difficult as I know it is, I want you to let Leslie go.”
He turned away and stared out the window into darkness. “I’ve let her go, Ma. I did that a long time ago. But nothing has ever hurt so bad. Not Tanner leaving, not losing the career of my dreams, not anything. I can never…I just can’t.”
“Ah, honey, you can’t let what happened crush your spirit. Love is taking risks. Would you have traded away your life with Leslie if you’d known that it was going to be cut short?”
He tilted his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “No. But that’s different. We were so young, our lives so intertwined. I’d loved her since the ninth grade. She was my best friend.”
“Nothing can replicate what you had with Leslie. That doesn’t mean you can’t have something equally special with someone else. A family, Ryder. Something to hold on to.”
Someone knocked. The sound reverberated through the trailer with a tinny sound. Ryder got up and opened the door.
“Your mom wouldn’t happen to be in there with you?”
“She is.”
“Thank God.”
Shiv peeked around the corner to find Joey flushed with relief. Did the poor girl think Shiv had run away?
“Sorry, dear. I couldn’t sleep, and Ryder’s light was on. Come in.” Shiv got to her feet. “I’m going back to bed. Joey, do me a favor and keep Ryder company.” She started for the door.
“Let me help get you situated.” Joey tried to follow.
“I’m perfectly capable of getting myself situated. I’ve got the button if I need anything.” Shiv held up the ridiculous alarm apparatus she’d sworn to wear around her neck. She patted Ryder’s cheeks. “Think about what I said. And you, Joey, need to let me do more for myself. I’m not an invalid.”
She got down the steps herself, then turned around to face her son and caregiver, who’d been stunned silent. “Tomorrow, I want to see this Cascade Village. Make sure it’s up to snuff.”
* * * *
Ryder watched his mother’s back retreat behind the front door.
“Should I go help her? Or is that going to provoke her?”
“Provoke her.” He stepped into the kitchen, stuck his head in the fridge, and tossed Joey a soda. “Were you sleeping?” She had on pajama shorts and a tank top. No bra and a pair of tennis shoes that weren’t laced up.
“I woke up, checked on your mom, and nearly had a heart attack when I couldn’t find her.”
Ryder grabbed himself a beer and gestured with the neck of the bottle for her to take a seat. Her hair was poufy and kind of wild around her face, the same way it had looked after they’d had sex the other night. The memory made his groin tighten.
“What’s going on with her? Am I coddling her too much? Is she annoyed? Because she sounded annoyed.”
“With me,” Ryder said. “Not with you.”
“Why is she annoyed with you? She seemed tickled pink today when you joined our field trip to The Farm.”
“It’s a long story, Joey.”
She kicked off her tennis shoes and curled her legs under her butt. “I’ve got time.”
“I don’t even know where to start.” He rested his head on the back of the couch. “Long story short, she wants me to live a different life than I’ve chosen.”
“And what life does she want you to have?”
He let out a long breath. “The house, the wife, the kids, the dog, a four-door sedan.”
“My brother could probably hook you up on that last one.”
He sat up and took a swig of his beer. She was funny. He’d always liked that about her. “I reckon he could.”
“But you don’t want any of those things because of your late wife.”
The woman didn’t mince words. “Something like that.”
“How’d she die, Ryder?”
He dropped his head between his knees, then came up slowly. “Car accident. A fucking seventeen-year-old swerved into the oncoming lane while texting her boyfriend and hit Leslie head-on. She died in the ER.”
“I’m so sorry, Ryder.”
“She was seven months’ pregnant with our little boy. They couldn’t save him, either.”
“Oh, Ryder. I…I didn’t know.”
“Well, now you do. Leslie was my high school sweetheart. My everything. We were planning to buy a ranch outside of Modesto, breed horses, plant a garden, raise our kid in the country. And just like that, it was all taken away. Two lives and a dream killed before I could even say good-bye.”
“I don’t know what to say, Ryder. It’s that awful.”
It was better to say nothing than spew bullshit platitudes. It was God’s will. She and your son are in a better place now. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle—that one was his personal favorite. How the fuck would they know?
“There’s nothing to say.” He tilted the rest of his beer back and killed the bottle with one swallow.
“You’re living the best you can. You built a business, bought this place, you’re taking care of your mother.” She pulled him in for an embrace.
His initial instinct was to pull away. But she felt good, like a harbor of hope. He wrapped his arms around her and tucked her head under his chin, letting himself revel in the sweet scent of her hair. She nestled against him, and he held on. Whatever she was willing to give, he’d take because he was sick and tired of feeling alone and wounded.
And she fit. Later, it would scare the hell out of him how well she fit. But now he needed her like he’d never needed anyone before.
She pressed her mouth against his heart, and that simple gesture broke him. He lifted her face and with bruising force took her mouth with his, kissing her deeply. She returned the kiss with the same ferocity.
They fell back on the couch, and he crawled over her. His hands were everywhere. Her legs, her hips, her sides, her breasts. She dragged his T-shirt over his head and dropped kisses across his chest. Her lips were warm and soft, the closest he’d ever come to heaven.
He stripped off her tank and kissed her beautiful breasts, molding each one in his hands. She arched up, giving him better access. He dragged his mouth down her chest to her belly, tasting her skin. Her desperate murmurs fired him up.
He slid her sleep shorts down and spread her legs, dipping his fingers in to see if she was ready for him. She was so wet his chest expanded with the knowledge that he could do this to her. That he could arouse this beautiful woman to such a frenzied height.
She rocked into his fingers, silently pleading for him to fill her. He strained against the fly on his jeans, growing harder.
“Please,” she begged. “I want…I need…more.” She tore at the buttons on his jeans.
He lifted up, pulled down his pants just enough to free himself, and entered her with one powerful thrust. She moaned with pleasure, wrapping her legs around his waist so he could go deeper.
She was so tight and hot that he nearly climaxed. Then he realized he’d forgotten protection and slowly pulled out, holding his breath.
“Shit.”
“No, no, no. What are you doing? Why are you stopping?”
“Condom.” He rolled off the sofa and ran to the bedroom, trying not to trip over his pants. “Don’t move.”
He found her in the same position he’d left her. Spread out on the couch, her blond hair fanned out behind her, her plump pink lips formed in the shape of an O with her eyes closed. She was so damn sexy his heart stopped.
He ripped open the foil wrapper, suited up, and mounted her. Not a second later, he was moving inside her.
“Oh,” she cried out. “Oh, Ryder.”
He kissed her neck, loving the taste and smell of her, a combination of salt, perfume, and woman.
“This is good,” he whispered, his strokes slow, drawing out every inch of pleasure. “So damn good.”
Her hands were in his hair, on his scalp, and she was kissing him. Her body bowed up, giving him as much as he wanted. A veritable feast. And he took and took and took, careful to give as much back as he could.
He sucked her breasts, laving them with attention. He touched her between her legs, finding what she liked the best. Changing the tempo from slow to fast, he pumped harder. Deeper.
Ryder took her to the brink three or four times, making it last until she thrashed her head from side to side, begging for sweet release. He didn’t know how he was able to hold on so long. It was either force of will or the knowledge that once he let go, he’d be right back where he started. Alone. And for right now, he needed to lose himself in her and forget about the past.
“Please,” she murmured.
He kissed her long and hard. The hot pull of her mouth set him on fire. Reaching under her, he lifted her ass so he could go even deeper. His thrusts became more powerful, more desperate. The couch wasn’t big enough for them, but by sheer will he kept them from falling.
“Ryder.” Joey arched her back as she met him stroke for stroke. Her body began to tremble as she reached her peak.
He could feel her clench and then she let out a long “Ohhh” as she came apart under him.
“Joey,” he called and threw his head back, seeing only stars.
They moved together for a little while, milking their climaxes to the very end. Then, he rolled off her. But there was nowhere to go but the floor. He lifted her in his arms and carried her to his bed.
“Sleep,” he said and wrapped himself around her.