This isn’t what I was expecting.
I thought that Dad’s girlfriend Liz and her daughter would just ignore me the way that Chris did. I wasn’t expecting a big reception committee at the door.
“Hi Jamie, it’s lovely to have you staying with us!” Liz smiles at me so brightly I’m blinded, and it takes me a minute to see there’s a shorter version of her standing right behind her in the hall, scowling at me like I’m a big pile of dog poop that’s just landed on her nice clean doormat. That’s not the only thing that’s clean in this house. Everything’s so shiny white it’s like I’m in an operating theatre. Dad might be a nurse, but he’s never been that tidy. It must be Liz who’s the clean freak around here.
The sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach gets worse when she gives me a big hug and I see Dad tense up like he’s scared I’m going to react badly. I grit my teeth and try to smile at her, but all I can see is her super-neat short blonde hair and her perfectly ironed clothes that smell fresh out of the washing machine, and I know, I just know that I’m never going to fit in here.
“Elin, why don’t you show Jamie round the house while Paul and I get dinner ready? We’ll just be ten minutes.”
The shorter version of Liz folds her arms and stares at me as Dad and Liz go into the kitchen. I’m not very good at reading people, and I’m not sure what she’s thinking. I can tell when they’re happy or sad, or angry or hurt, but that’s about it. The scowl has gone and now this girl’s face is blank, just like some creepy china doll sitting on the shelf in a haunted house, watching every move I make. I saw that in a film once. There was this guy who inherited a big old house from his great-grandmother, and when he moved in he found all these dolls that—
“Take your shoes off.”
“What?”
The girl’s still standing there looking at me.
“Don’t say ‘what’, it’s rude. Say ‘sorry’ or ‘pardon’. Wipe your feet on the mat outside and then put your shoes on the rack in the cupboard here.”
Elin’s big green eyes follow me as I go back outside and wipe my feet on the mat, then take my shoes off and put them neatly on the rack she points out. Urgh. There is no way I’m going to remember to do that every day. I shrug my jacket off and go fishing around in my pocket for chewing gum, then I remember I used it all up in my failed attempt to break the world gum-chewing record on the way here. I always chew gum when I’m nervous, and this girl is making me all twitchy like I’ve got fleas in my underwear biting my bum.
“Seriously?” She says it so flatly I can’t tell what she means.
“Um… what?”
“You’re just going to fling your jacket on the floor and expect someone else to pick it up? What are you, a badly trained chimpanzee?”
“Oh, sorry…” I pick my jacket up again and hang it on the hook she points out in the cupboard. This is not going well. I don’t think she likes me. “So… can I see the rest of the house?”
Elin looks me up and down, checking out the tomato-sauce stains on my T-shirt, the bit of chewing gum stuck to my jeans and my mismatched socks, then she jerks her head for me to follow her.
“Just don’t touch anything,” she sniffs.
She’s got a long blonde ponytail that bounces against her back as she walks, and it’s so silky and shiny-looking I’m tempted to reach out and grab it to see what it feels like.
DON’T. TOUCH. ANYTHING.
I stuff one hand into my jeans and the other into my mouth to chew my fingernails instead, following Elin round the house and trying not to wreck the place. I do pretty well. I knock over a plant in the living room and get soil on the carpet, and a big smudge of tomato sauce rubs off on the bathroom towels when I can’t help feeling how fluffy they are, but Elin’s too busy firing orders at me to notice.
“… And don’t put the TV on in the evening when I’m trying to study, or in the morning, or… in fact, don’t touch the TV at all without asking. Bathroom. Toothbrushes. Shampoo. Don’t use anything in here without permission. Mum and Paul’s room. Don’t go in there. My room. None of your business. If you so much as touch my door handle, I’ll kill you. The spare room. You’re to sleep in here while you’re staying with us, which probably won’t be for very long. Any questions?”
“Um… so… do you like the Transformers?” I try, bouncing on my feet awkwardly and racking my brains for a way to make friends. Everybody likes the Transformers. They’re the best thing ever. “You know – ‘robots in disguise’.” I hum the theme tune from the old cartoon I like to watch online.
“What?” The girl’s eyes narrow to little black pinpricks.
“Don’t say ‘what’,” I joke, “say ‘sorry’ or ‘pardon’.”
Elin’s pupils disappear and all that’s left of her eyes are huge circles of green that look like robot laser cannons ready to blast me out of existence.
“Elin! Jamie! Dinner time!” Liz calls from the kitchen.
I run back down the hall before the robot eyes can get me.
Maybe the Transformers aren’t so cool after all.