Sarah
Unwanted Preparations
‘Sarah? Is that you, love?’
‘Aye, sorry, did I wake you?’
‘No, love, I was just resting me eyes. Come here and sit with me. I don’t get much chance to talk to you these days.’
Sarah put another log on the already blazing fire and sat herself down on the couch next to Granna Issy. She sank into the feather cushions. She, like her granna, loved the late-autumn evenings.
The light had faded, banishing the shadows that the disappearing sun had thrown up. Only the flicker of the flames lit the room, but she didn’t turn the lamp on. That would spoil the cosiness.
‘Everyone’s busy these days. Jack’s allus on with his work in the stables and getting the land ready; Megan’s life is lived in a whirl; and you, Sarah . . . by, you’re a clever lass. Megan tells me as you’re brilliant at taking care of all her dealings, where money’s concerned. I’m reet proud of you, thou knows. Eeh, I reckon as you have a lot of your Granddad Tom in you. He was clever with numbers.’
‘Well, I have the hard work of Aunt Megan and Dad to thank for that an’ all. It was them as saw to it that I had a chance to go to the grammar school. Not that I were happy there, as they all thought themselves better than me. That was until they needed help with their homework.’
‘Aye, I know. Still, you got through it, and with all your school certificates. Who would’ve thought it, eh? Your mam would’ve loved how you’ve turned out. And as for us living like we do, she’d have had something to say about that an’ all. By, we’ll be taking over Hensal Grange yet.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so. They must be millionaires.’
‘Aye, got rich by making good marriages in the first place, they did. Eeh, I could tell you stuff about them. Not this lot that have it now. That Lord Crompton seems a decent bloke, and Lady Crompton ain’t a bit like her late sister, Laura Harvey. But them as went before, and the old Mr Harvey – Laura Harvey’s father-in-law, as passed on before the last war – there were some goings-on with him, I tell yer.’
Sarah remembered that Issy had told her this many times over, but she didn’t say so. Instead she sought a distraction. ‘Shall I get Fanny to make us a pot of tea, Granna? I’m reet parched. I’ve had a long day.’
‘Aye, lass, that’d be nice. And see if she’s got some of them scones made. I’d like to see if she’s learned yet how to make them proper, like I showed her.’
Sarah laughed as she went in search of Fanny. Her granna was a one. She’d not wanted any hired help; the kitchen was her domain and had remained so until recently, when it had all become too much. For her body, that is, not for her spirit. Not that they could stop her altogether – she still oversaw all the meals.
Tiredness ached in Sarah’s bones as she headed towards the kitchen. Tomorrow was decision day. The medical team had already sat and pronounced Billy suitable for release, and Grandpa Edward had assured them that he’d looked into Billy’s case and everything pointed to him being mentally fit. The final decision would be down to the court. The lawyer was sure it would all go well, but the outcome that he thought good was far from being so to her. The only good thing would be the end to her visits, but she’d rather endure them than have Billy free. Not that there had been another visit since . . . No, she’d not think on that. There’d been letters, though – letters written as if from a perfect lover. It all sickened her.
This thought had hardly settled in her when the walls of the hall closed in on her. Unable to see, and with her ears zinging, she groped for the hall stand. Clutching it, she steadied herself. Sweat beaded on her forehead. Her mind wouldn’t tell her what was happening. She thought her body would sink to the floor without her being able to stop it. After a moment, the feeling calmed and everything took on its normal state. She gave herself time, telling herself it must be the stress coupled with, perhaps, the onset of her monthly, which – by her reckoning – was well overdue. She’d already missed one and was due again, but then, with her not eating well and fretting, it wasn’t surprising. Maybe tonight. Yes, all the signs are there. I’m sure to start me monthly tonight.
Feeling better now she was back in the sitting room, Sarah felt glad that no sign of the incident had shown itself to her granna. Forgetting about it, she threw herself into the situation that she could see brewing, as Fanny put a tea plate of perfect-looking scones in front of them.
Issy took one, but made no comment. As she bit into it and caught the crumbs from falling into her lap, she grunted. The look of surprise accompanying the grunt spoke volumes.
Sarah winked at Fanny, telling her, ‘They’re delicious. The best I’ve ever tasted.’
This set Fanny scurrying out of the room, and Issy choking as she said, ‘By, lass, I’ll say one thing for you. You not only look like your dad; you’ve got his cheek, all right.’
‘Well, Granna, you are naughty. You put the fear of death into poor Fanny. She tries her best.’
‘Aye, I knows, lass. I just can’t get used to someone else in me kitchen. But you’re reet about these scones, and though I’ll bide me time, I’ll tell her so one of these days. Anyroad, it’s not scones as I want to talk to you about. Tell me what you’ve been buying.’
Trying to drum up some excitement for something she’d found a chore, Sarah giggled. ‘Oh, I had a good day. I found just the headdress I was looking for.’ She took the white skullcap from the box she’d discarded by her feet when she sat down. ‘Look, it’s perfect! Aunt Megan’s going to make some lilies out of the silk she is using to make me frock, and she’ll attach them here at the back. And not only that, but I’ve found the perfect thing for Sally’s hair, too. Look at this. It’s the exact match for her dress material.’ She displayed the small swatch of Sally’s bridesmaid dress that she’d taken with her, and the two tiny roses on a silver clip that were an identical shade of rose-pink.
‘By, lass, it’s going to be a beautiful wedding. You’re going to look lovely. Like I said, you’re a picture of our Cissy. Eeh, she’d have been reet proud of you.’
‘I still remember her, Granna. And Bella. I’ll never forget them.’
‘I knows that, me love. And all as she’d want is for you to be happy. Are you happy, lass? Really happy, I mean? You’re not drifting into marrying Billy, are you?’
‘No! Of course not. I – I love him. It may be that our wedding is sooner than I thought, but then it’s like that for a lot of young couples, with this war and talk of all the men going away.’ Wanting to change the subject, Sarah asked her granna’s opinion of the war. ‘What do you think about it all, Granna? Will it be as bad as everyone says?’
‘Aye, I think so, lass. If it’s owt like the last lot, it won’t be very nice. But then it’s right as this one could be worse, cos it’s likely it’ll be fought at home as well as abroad. So God above knows what we’re in for. Anyroad, sit down a minute, lass, and tell me. Are you sure you are doing the right thing? Is it just talk of war that’s spurring you on, and the fact that you’ve been Billy’s girl, so to speak, since you were little? What I mean is: don’t you think as what you feel for him might just be a feeling as you’d have for a brother?’
‘No. No, of course not. I – I love him. I – I don’t know when it happened that our childhood love turned to a true, deep love, but one day it did.’ Averting her gaze from her granna’s knowing look, Sarah tried to cover the lies she felt forced to tell. Yes, she had some feelings for Billy. How could she not? They’d grown up together, had been inseparable as children and, even after what he’d done, there was no chance of him not being in her life. His mam, Aunt Megan, had become her stepmother. It was expected of her that she would visit him, but if Billy and his mam, and Sarah and her dad, had gone their separate ways then maybe . . .
As it was, whenever she’d visited Billy with Aunt Megan and her dad, they had always allowed her and Billy to go off together around the grounds. In her innocence, she’d continued in the same easy way they were used to with each other, her own temper often keeping his in check and making him laugh. But then, as they got older, Billy had become serious about their relationship, obsessive, even. And she had become more and more afraid of him. The threats he aimed towards his mam were the main reason why she’d allowed things to drift and herself to become looked on as Billy’s girl. Now, she was trapped by fear.
‘That were a big sigh, lass. You knaw as you can tell your granna owt, don’t you?’
‘Aye, I do, granna. Eeh, I’m being silly. The war has speeded things on a bit for us, and I – I didn’t expect to be preparing for me wedding so soon, but, well, it – it’s given Billy a chance at freedom, and we said we’d marry when that happened, so I’m glad. Happy . . . well, just a bit nervous, that’s all.’
‘Eeh, lass, lass. I just don’t want you making a mistake. You’re only nineteen. It’s very young to be wed. You don’t seem to have had much chance to meet other young men, to even compare them with Billy.’
‘I’ve met a few, Granna. There were a lot of young men on the accountants’ course, and then I’ve known Richard and Mark.’
‘Aye, Bridget’s lads. By, I reckon as Richard’s allus been sweet on you.’
‘Granna, I have to go. I’ve to unpack this lot and get sorted for Aunt Megan coming home. And you shouldn’t be on with talking like that – Richard’s my step-uncle, and he’d be mortified if you thought him taking an interest in me were anything other than caring about me in the same way he cares about us all.’ Trying to hide the blush that had overcome her, Sarah busied herself repacking the headdress. ‘Granna, please don’t talk of such notions in Billy’s hearing. You know how jealous he can get.’
Her heart thudded at the thought, because an occasion came back to her when she’d mentioned Richard and Mark visiting for a weekend. Billy had thrown a fit at the thought of Sarah in their company, making threats that had some danger in them, as did all of his ranting. Nothing he said in anger could be taken lightly, and she couldn’t bear Richard or Mark to suffer at his hands.
Because of this, she’d never allowed herself even to think of either of them in any other way than as friends. Easy to do with Mark, but when it came to Richard, she had to admit she’d had longings. She’d never tell her granna, though, and she’d hide them forever in a secret part of her heart. But then again, she supposed every girl would have such thoughts about Richard. He was so handsome, and so different in his looks. He took after his grandfather – what was his name . . . ? Will – Will Hadler. Yes, that’s what her granna had told her, on one of the many occasions Issy had discussed that side of her younger days. Funny how it all turned out, with her granna knowing Richard’s grandparents and mam. Anyway, what she felt for Richard was only a fancy. A silly thing, really. She was Billy’s girl and always had been.
‘You’ve gone quiet, lass. What’s troubling you, cos I know as sommat is on your mind, and now’s the time to speak up, afore it’s too late.’
Granna was getting too close to subjects that Sarah didn’t want to tackle. ‘I’m fine, really, Granna. And I’m very happy to be marrying Billy. Now, you finish your rest and I’ll take me parcels up to my room. I’ll see you at dinner.’ Giving her granna a quick kiss, she avoided the hug Issy tried to give her. It would have been her undoing.
Once in the hall, Sarah breathed a sigh of relief. The prying love of her granna had made the feelings she’d managed to suppress rise up and threaten her peace of mind. Closing the door on her granna didn’t put an end to those emotions.
When she reached her bedroom, the bed accepted her into its soft embrace as she sank down into the feather eiderdown and lay back on the pillow. Stinging tears hovered below the lids of her closed eyes.
Three weeks – the time it took to post the banns – and, no matter what, she would be Billy’s wife. That’s what they had arranged; or rather, it was what she’d gone along with. With Billy’s imminent release, and his enlistment, that had seemed the sensible thing to agree to. But how was she going to face it? How?