Sarah
A Visit of Love
As she made her way home, Sarah’s heart and mind were assailed with mixed emotions and thoughts. Her dad and Aunt Megan had wanted her to stay, but she had a lot to do to get ready for Billy coming home, and keeping busy seemed the best thing. There would only be today to make everything as right as she could for him – bake some pies, finish knitting those socks for him to take with him, along with the scarf she’d already completed – as tomorrow she’d have to go into work to see to the wages for the staff. No matter what, life had to go on. Folk needed their dues and there was a war to fight.
Taking the shortcut across the back field, she climbed the five-bar gate. Hesitating a while with her feet on the third bar and gazing over the surrounding countryside, she pulled her coat tighter round her body against the cold and allowed herself a moment to take in the beauty surrounding her. Everywhere looked lovely, clothed as it was in frosty white, and glistening in the low winter sun. Granna had loved sights like this and she could hear her saying, ‘It don’t seem as though there is a war on. Nothing’s changed.’ But it had. Most of the lads from around the area had gone to various training stations, and girls were working the land and doing the kind of factory jobs the men usually did. The sense of being safe had gone, as had Granna . . . Her granna was no longer with them. A sob clenched her throat. How was she to live life without her granna by her side?
The icy wind pinched her wet face and helped to calm her. She had to get on. Granna was at rest – she knew that from the serene look on her face when it had relaxed into death. It gave her hope that Granna had met up with her Tom again. Funny, she couldn’t think of him as her granddad, as she’d never met him and had only ever heard of him in terms of him being Granna’s Tom.
A thought came to her of how Granna had once told her of a lad called Denny. Granna had been engaged to him and then he’d been killed in a mining disaster. How did that feel? A shudder rippled through her that wasn’t due to the cold. Would she know the same thing to happen? No! Not Richard!
With this fear came the realization that she’d rather it was Billy that was taken, and a shameful feeling that threatened to eat into the heart of her. But it didn’t stop her begging God to keep Richard safe, and to make it possible for them to be together one day. It happened for Granna, didn’t it? Not that it was the same, but she’d loved Denny, hadn’t she? Then, after losing him, she’d found love again. Oh God, it was like she was willing Billy to die – and her carrying his babby an’ all. Not that she hadn’t wished all of this before, but Billy didn’t seem to deserve her to wish it now.
Her thoughts went to the day after their wedding, when he’d come in from his walk. He’d said he’d got caught up in the pub, but there had been something different about him. She couldn’t put her finger on what, but it showed in his love-making that night, and every night after. He’d done things to her – things she never knew men and women did together. Thinking of them, her cheeks flushed and a trickle of anticipation sparked deep inside her. There, that proved she did love him. But then why hadn’t she missed him, like she should have? Because she hadn’t. But then the thought occurred to her that her body had missed his making love to her. Shocked at this thought, she shook it from her. Reet, come on, get yourself home, lass. The right one or not, Billy will be coming home. They would be sharing just a few hours of married life together, and then he would be gone again. She’d to live with that, as it was to be her life’s pattern for God knew how long.
For the rest of her walk home she concentrated on praying hard for Billy’s safety and for everything to be all right between them while he was home.
As she lifted the latch to her door, the enormity of what had happened hit her again as she realized that her granna had never made it to her cottage since it had been done up for her and Billy. And now she never would.
Through eyes misted with tears, she set about carrying out her plans. Some two hours later, and with a cup of tea by her side and pencil and paper ready to make out a shopping list, she felt better and more positive about the future. She refused to allow her thoughts to mull over anything, now that she wasn’t being active.
The rattle of the door knocker made her jump, and then the sound of Richard calling out almost froze her to the spot.
‘Hello there.’
He’d opened the door and entered without waiting to be invited to do so, but where had he come from?
‘How does it feel to be a little housewife then? Oh, sorry. Did I startle you?’
‘Yes, you did. I – I wasn’t expecting anyone. How did . . . ? I mean, what are you doing here?’ It was as if she’d conjured him up! The thumping of her heart against her ribs hurt. The sight of him hurt.
‘I’m on my way from Glasgow to Biggin Hill. A bit of a detour, but I wanted to see you before it all starts. The fighting, I mean. I’m a fully qualified pilot now; I just need lots more practice and then I may see some action. So I couldn’t go without seeing you. Is Billy . . . ?’
‘No. No, he ain’t here. He’s due back in a couple of days. He’s got a posting an’ all, so—’
‘Are you all right? You look dreadful. Has something happened?’
Richard’s concern undid her. The tears she’d fought overwhelmed her as she told him of her granna’s passing. Somehow, in the telling, she found herself in his arms. His lips kissed little caresses into her hair and onto her face, his voice soft and full of love.
‘I’m so sorry, my poor darling, my love.’
Nothing in her wanted to stop this. It seemed right, as though it was where she was meant to be. Instead, she clung to him and drank in all that he was.
‘Try to think of her at peace now, in a better place. If I know Issy, these last weeks have been hell for her. It was awful to think of her as Mother told me she was, but then I did hope to see her one more time before she passed away.’
‘I know, you’re right. It ain’t as I would have her suffer any longer, but she were everything to me.’
‘I’ll always be here for you, my darling.’
‘Oh, Richard!’ She pulled out of his arms. ‘We can’t. I – I mean, it ain’t right. I’m married. I couldn’t have done anything else.’
‘Why? Why did you marry him, when you knew how I felt and knew how you felt for me? I don’t understand, and maybe in a way it is why I am here. I need to understand, Sarah, please.’
What could she say? That she’d married Billy out of fear of what he might do if she didn’t? Was that even true any more? Yes, she’d been afraid of him, and that fear had been compounded on their wedding night, but since that had been sorted . . .
‘It’s not too late. You can divorce him. We are meant to be together, Sarah. You must see that I love you beyond all there is. You fill my every waking hour. You are my motivation. I want to help save the world, to make it a safer place for you and any children we may have—’
‘Stop it! Stop it, Richard. This is wrong. What about Lucinda? Besides, I can’t leave. I – I’m pregnant!’
He slumped onto the nearest chair, then looked up at her. ‘Sit down, my darling, sit a while with me.’ He pulled another chair away from the table and took her hand the moment she sat down. ‘Me and Lucinda – well, it’s over. We’re good friends, that’s all. And it doesn’t matter. Leave Billy, leave him now. I will take your baby as my own.’
‘Please don’t go on, Richard, there’s not a way for us. We were for finding love too late.’
‘You do love me then?’
His face held hope – a hope she had to dash. This was dangerous; she could only imagine what would happen if Billy found out. ‘A – a little. I have a feeling for you, but it ain’t like I have for Billy.’ The lie stung her as much as it did him. ‘Me and Billy have been together all our lives. We’ve been through a lot an’ all. That stuff binds you. It holds you close against all the odds. I can’t leave him.’
Richard had let her hand go. A tear dropped onto his cheek. She watched it roll down and curl round his nose, joining the trickle of water there, its path engraving on her heart the love he felt for her. But she must reject him – for his own safety, and Aunt Megan’s, as well as her own.
Wiping his face with the hanky he’d taken from his pocket, Richard stood and nodded his head. ‘Well, I’m glad I came. I had to hear that from you. I have my mind made up now. Please forgive me. I won’t bother you again. I can’t get a train until tomorrow, so I’ll go up to the house and see Megan and offer her some comfort in her loss. I’ll stay at the inn in Breckton overnight, so you have no worries, if you planned on dining with them. Goodbye, Sarah.’
For a full five minutes she stood looking at the door after it closed behind him. Her body ached from the tip of her head to her toes with longing and loss, but she knew she’d done the right thing. Richard would find someone else. And, being the man he was, he’d make whoever it was happy. She needed to settle down and build on what she’d already achieved with Billy. But saying all this to herself didn’t help. When at last she moved away, she dragged herself up the stairs and allowed her body to fall into the comfort of the soft mattress and let herself weep. For her granna, for her own lost love, for Billy and all that life had done to him, for her little Bella, and for her mam and all that had happened to her Aunt Megan, until the emptying of herself took her into a deep sleep.