Sarah
Laughter Brings Healing
The phone ringing woke Sarah. Disorientated, she rolled off the bed and headed for the persistent shrill sound. Unhooking the receiver from the wall, she’d no time to announce her number before her dad’s voice came to her.
‘Eeh, lass, you had me and Megan worried out of our wits. We’ve rung twice already, and Richard were just about to set out to check on you, but I said I’d give it one more go. Are you all right, lass?’
‘Aye, I am, Dad. I fell asleep. What time is it? I were meant to go to the shops.’ The painful throbbing of her heart let her down. Hadn’t she convinced herself she didn’t need Richard? Then why this thudding at the mention of his name?
‘We wanted to ask you to come up to the house to have dinner, lass. Megan forgot, with all that was happening. Anyroad, the undertakers have been now and taken Granna to the chapel of rest.’
This statement awoke in her the reason for the heavy feeling that something terrible had happened, which lay in the pit of her stomach. She allowed the short silence to continue, and could sense her dad trying to compose himself. A small cough and he went on, ‘Me and Megan are going later, just to make sure as she’s all right, but they have folk there all night, so she’ll not be alone.’
‘That’s good, then. Look, I’m reet tired, Dad. And tearful an’ all. I’ll just get a bit of sommat here, and be on me own.’
‘No, Megan won’t hear of it, and neither will I. Get in your car and bring your nightclothes. You’re stopping here, as is Richard. He wanted to book in at the pub! Felt he’d be intruding, but that ain’t how it is at all. It’ll be good for us all to be together. Oh, and while I’m on, can you take him to the station on your way into work tomorrow? Lad were going to book a cab, but Megan says as you’ll pass right by there. She said as you’ve no need to go in till later, and only just to do the wages – no need to put a whole day in. That’ll be that then, and you can come home and finish owt you haven’t done for Billy’s arrival home the next day.’
There was nothing she could say. The last thing she wanted was to take Richard to the station – to see him off, to stand and wave as he disappeared – but what objection could she possibly come up with? It stood to reason, as Megan and her dad would have a lot to see to, so they’d not have time. ‘All right, Dad, that’s fine. I’ll be there in the next half-hour. See you then.’
Part of her jumped into life at the thought of seeing Richard again, but the sensible part of her dreaded it. How would it be? To sit at the table opposite him and make small talk, and to know he was sleeping in the room across from hers?
Sarah was surprised at how relaxed they all were, and how cheerful. She hadn’t expected that. But having enjoyed the first course of Fanny’s delicious oxtail soup, as they tucked into the excellent steak pie the laughter over their memories of some of the things Granna had said and done lifted any morose feelings they’d had. It was exactly how her granna would want them to be.
‘Eeh, I remember once, taking her to meet yer Aunt Hattie for the first time . . .’ Aunt Megan wiped away a tear, put there by her laughter. ‘We stood outside her “house of ill repute”, as you might call it. It were a grand place. The sight of it stunned Issy. She stood a moment with her mouth open, with me embarrassed and afraid as to how she’d think of Hattie, then she turned to me and said: “Eeh, they say as we sit on a pot of gold, don’t they, lass? Well, it looks like it’s right, an’ all.” But then . . . Oh, dear, I can see her now, she winked and said, “Mind, I reckon as I’ve sat on mine too long now – it’s all dried up and won’t be worth nowt!”’ The room erupted. Richard didn’t show any sign of being embarrassed. But then they’d all been subject to Granna’s coarse ways at times – Richard included – so it wasn’t like he hadn’t any idea what was coming.
It took a full five minutes for them to compose themselves, the last of which saw Richard looking at Sarah. She dabbed her eyes as though they needed more attention than they did, just to help her adjust, then went straight into a story of her own. ‘Only a few days before her stroke, Granna had another go at Fanny. She . . .’
By the time Aunt Megan fetched their puddings they were all exhausted, and not a little deflated. Laughing about Granna had helped, but only for a short time, because soon the stories had them all longing for her to be amongst them again – not how she was at the end, but how she used to be.
‘Well, Jack. How about you and I have a brandy and one of those nice cigars you bought in, for the last time we visited? Leave the ladies to do what they have to, eh?’
‘Good idea, Richard. I’m not allowed to touch them when you’re not here. I have to make do with me roll-ups. Mind, I still enjoy a hand-rolled cigarette, even though I could afford sommat better. Let’s be really bad lads and go into what I call the “posh parlour”.’
‘Hmm, are you sure?’
‘Go on with you, the pair of you – taking the rise out of me. Aye, course you can, and me and Sarah might just let the pots grow mould overnight and sit here and enjoy a nice sherry, instead of seeing to them.’
‘Eeh, you’re pushing boat out with that, lass. And if Ma were here she’d join yer, only she’d have more than one.’
Sarah supposed they’d always make references to her granna, but she wondered if there’d ever come a time when it wouldn’t hurt as much. Deep in thought, she hadn’t noticed Richard move towards her. His hand touched the bare skin on her back where the cut of her frock draped, and it was as if someone had put a match to kindling. Her body jumped away, but her heart stayed with his touch.
‘I’m sorry, I – I didn’t mean to startle you. I just felt you needed comfort, and perhaps your old – young – step-uncle could be the one to do it.’
Aunt Megan saved the day. ‘Well next time, little brother, see as you warm your hands. And while you’re at it with your comforting, I reckon as we both could do with a hug.’
With this she came close, and Richard enclosed them both in a cuddle Sarah never wanted to come out of.
Her dad broke it up by saying, in a voice that betrayed how the gesture had moved him, ‘Well, come on, then, lad. Eeh, it were a good omen as brought you to us tonight, when we most needed you. Let’s away and have our brandy.’
Once the men had gone through, Sarah came down to earth. Controlling the longings inside her, she turned to her Aunt Megan. ‘Would you mind if I went up? I’m all in.’
‘You will be, love. Early days of carrying are allus the worst, and it ain’t that long since you were poorly.’
‘I know. It’s hard to think of that time. It scares me an’ all. Me mam lost babbies, and so did Granna, and now me.’
‘Don’t worry, love, as that won’t help owt. We’ll take care of you. Just take it easy. You can stop work and rest all you can – we’ll manage.’
‘No, not yet. I’ll cut me hours, but I’d never get through without being with you and Sally, and Phyllis and Daisy and the rest of them, not with Billy away and everything.’ How those words came to her she didn’t know, for though she felt relief at the realization that she could make a go of things with Billy, and wasn’t filled with the dread she thought every day would hold, being married to him wasn’t what she really wanted. Not what her heart wanted. But then the relieved smile on Aunt Megan’s face was enough to make it all worth it.
‘Come here, lass. You’ve a lot to face. We all have, but know as I’ll do me best to be a mam and a granna to you, and to help you get through. I have a big place in me heart where you’ve sat since you were born. Every day I think how proud your mam’d be of you, and I love you like you were me own.’
Snuggled up in Aunt Megan’s arms, Sarah told her, ‘And I love you an’ all. I love you as if you were me mam, and have done all me life. Thanks, Aunt Megan. Thanks for always being there for me.’
A feeling of being safe entered her. Nothing could happen to her while Aunt Megan’s protection cocooned her. Granna had gone to her rest and deserved the peace she’d found after a long life, but Aunt Megan would be there for her for years and years to come. The thought gave Sarah the comfort she’d felt drained of, since that moment earlier when Granna had taken her last breath.
Crossing the landing to the bathroom the next morning, Richard stopped in his tracks and stood transfixed, as though lightning had struck him. Sarah walked towards him, the contours of her body caressed by the rippling of her silk dressing gown and her hair flowing freely around her shoulders, like he’d never seen it before. The shock of the encounter nearly undid him, as his whole instinct was to open his arms to her. Pain as his clenched fists dug his nails into the soft flesh of his palms didn’t do anything to release the urge to do so. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself.
‘Good morning. Did you manage to get some sleep?’ He knew she had, by how fresh and bright she looked, but could think of nothing else to say.
‘Aye, I did. I were surprised to find as I had, as I wasn’t expecting to. And you?’
‘After a time of thinking things through, I did, thank . . . Oh, Sarah, I—’
‘No, Richard. We’ve to find a way to live with this. We’ve to put it behind us, thou knows that. There isn’t a way as we can avoid each other, but we can survive it. I’m to give my best to Billy, and you will find someone, I’m sure. We can’t put ourselves through this every time we see each other. The strain’s too much to bear.’
Looking at Sarah – so young, so beautiful, and yet with a fragility belying the strength she tried to portray – he felt shame at his actions. To keep declaring his love, and wanting her love shown to him, wasn’t fair on her. She was trying to do the right thing, and so should he. ‘I’m sorry. I promise I will try not to lay my feelings bare again. It won’t be easy, and I may slip up from time to time, but know, Sarah, my love, that even though I behave in the future like you are no more to me than a step-niece, underneath my feelings for you will be as deep as ever and I’ll be there for you. You only have to give me a sign and I’ll be by your side.’
‘I know, but that ain’t how it should be. You should get on with your life, as I can’t ever part from Billy. It wouldn’t be right, and it would cause hurt to me Aunt Megan, and she’s had enough of that in her life.’
Every fibre of him was alert to her, to the extent that he could taste her fear and knew that her staying – and even marrying Billy in the first place – was rooted in that fear, and this frustrated him beyond words. There wasn’t any way he could remove it. He knew what Billy was capable of; God, he couldn’t bear thinking of it, and it angered him that all those around her knew of it and yet had allowed their marriage to happen. It was like they had sacrificed Sarah for the sake of peace, and to keep Billy on an even keel. How could they have done it? Even his mother and father hadn’t counselled against it.
‘I’ll see you at breakfast, Richard. And I’ll be ready to take you into Leeds station whenever you need me to.’
With this she walked past him, vulnerable in her dignity, putting him to shame for his uncontrolled outpourings of forbidden love for her. She belonged to another, whatever the rights and wrongs of that, and was doing her best to fight the love he knew she held for him. He must do the same. But how?