Hattie & Megan
A Feeling of Dread
Hattie sat her velvet hat on her head and pulled it down over her ears. Harry had his back to her, but his stance told of his worry. ‘Harry, love, I told you: you can come with me, if you want. I’m not at doing owt behind your back. But it’s sommat as I’ve got to do. Thou knows that.’
‘Aye, I knows it, but it don’t mean as I have to like it. I’m scared. What if meeting up with Arthur doesn’t put you at rest, as to your feelings for him having long gone? Cos they haven’t, have they, Hattie?’
‘I can only be honest with you, love. You know how it ended. You know how me heart were broke. You knew when you took me on, it weren’t all of me as you were getting, but you were willing to take what I could give.’
‘Aye, I knew all of that, but it don’t make the hurt less. We’ve been everything to each other. We’ve built a life together. You’ve been happy with me, ain’t you, lass?’
‘More than I ever dreamed were possible after what went on, and you allus said as that were enough for you. I – I have to know it is enough for me.’
‘Oh, Hattie, love, I can’t bear this.’ Harry’s body slumped. His hand gripped the chair next to him. His legs buckled.
‘Harry, oh God. Harry, my love.’
Before she reached him, he’d sat himself on the chair. Sweat rolled from his forehead, a tinge of blue ringed his lips, and his eyes seemed to have sunk into their sockets. Shock held her rigid for a moment, then she moved towards him. After a moment of sitting on the chair with his head forward, Harry recovered a little. ‘I’m all right. I just had one of me turns, that’s all. I didn’t mean to scare you.’
‘Turns? What turns? Harry, my darling, you’re not well. What’s happening?’
‘It’s nowt. Just sommat as happens now and then. I feel a panic come on. Like when I were in the trenches with Arthur. And then it’s like all me stuffing goes from me body. It passes. Happen it were talking about Arthur, and the fear of losing you. And yet I can understand how you feel. I loved him too, thou knows. I stood loyal to him through all he went through, and I felt just as cast aside by him as you did – though of course my love wasn’t of the nature of yours. It was more admiration for the bravest man I’d ever come across, and born of Arthur’s nature and how he was with us, who were below him in rank and served him. All of us would have done anything for him. But one thing I never prepared meself for was falling in love with the same woman as him, and facing losing her to him.’
‘You ain’t going to lose me, Harry. I just need to put me old feelings to bed. I never had a chance to do that. I don’t want to feel me insides jump out when I catch a glance of him, or see his name.’
‘But that’s just it, Hattie. You sought him out. You bought that posh paper just on the off-chance there’d be news of him, and his doings, in the society pages.’
This shocked her. He’d known! He’d taken her on about buying The Times on occasion, but she’d never guessed he’d known the reason why. Deflated now, she sat down next to him. ‘I don’t know what to say, love. I’ve betrayed you.’
‘Naw, lass. It ain’t as bad as that. I understood. But it just seemed like you were thinking of him as he were one of them film stars or sommat. It never felt real. I tolerated it, and I liked to take a sneaky look meself, if I knew he were featured. But now it is real. He’s free of his wife and he’s come looking for you – and you want to go to him.’
‘He never did love me, Harry. Not how you’ve done. Not with all of himself. All the time we were together, he must have been longing for his wife, as the moment she’d have him he went back to her. Aye, and without the guts to say a proper goodbye, just that letter. That’s all I got: a letter. And, thou knows, it’s what kept me pain alive, cos if Arthur had faced me, I could have hit him or sommat, but I had no way to get back at him.’
‘And now you have. But is that what you’ll do?’
His handkerchief looked soaked with his constant wiping of his brow, and the weariness of him tugged at Hattie’s heart. In an instant, she made up her mind. ‘No, it ain’t. In fact, I’ll not even go to meet him. He can stew, just like we did when he left us.’
‘Well, that ain’t quite right. He did leave you the house and a good settlement on me. But are yer sure, me love? For all me upset, I want you to do as your heart says you must.’
‘Eeh, Harry, hark at you. You’ve tried your best to stop me, and now I’m in agreement, you’re trying to persuade me to go! There’s no accounting for yer. Come here.’ Putting her arms around his clammy body aroused her fear. These turns seemed more than panic attacks. ‘Harry, I’ll not go. And I’ll not ever leave you, I promise you that.’
The gentle hold he’d had on her tightened, but he didn’t stand. It was like he didn’t trust his legs to hold him.
‘Look, Harry, love. I’m going to call the doctor. It ain’t right how you are, and I’m heartsore as me actions have caused it. I love you, my Harry. More than I’ve told yer. Aye, and maybe more than I’ve shown, but I do. You’ve been like a solid rock I could lean on, and that’s what I’ve done. But you can lean on me now, love, and I’m allus going to be here for you, so as you can.’
‘Eeh, me love, this is a grand day. And, aye, I reckon as it is time as I saw the doctor. I’ve had more than sweats, which I know many of them as survived the hell of the last war have. I’ve had pains an’ all. In me chest and down me arm, and that ain’t right, is it, Hattie?’
A sick worry landed in the pit of her stomach. No, it wasn’t right. And she’d heard tell of them symptoms afore, and the outcome hadn’t been good. Oh, Harry, Harry, I can’t bear to lose you . . . This thought brought her up sharp. The truth of it zinged pain through her. Why had she been so blind, clinging onto something as flimsy as being a paid mistress to a man she thought had loved her, but who’d left her the moment he had the chance to? How could she have let Arthur’s shadow taint the beauty of the love Harry had for her?
‘Stay where you are, me love. I’ll ring the doctor now.’
The phone had only tinkled an indication of being put back on its stand when it rang out. For a moment Hattie hesitated. But no, Arthur wouldn’t ring. Her failing to turn up would tell him how she felt about meeting up with him. Unhooking the receiver, she placed it to her ear and leaned forward towards the mouthpiece. A voice, so familiar and yet with a different note to it said, ‘Oh, Hattie, at last!’
‘Megan? What is it, love? You sound like you’ve been chasing me forever and not caught me. I’ve been here or at work. Is there sommat wrong?’
‘Aye, there is. Oh, Hattie, there must have been a fault on the line between here and Leeds. I couldn’t get through to you, though I tried all day. Operator were no help. She just kept saying as she couldn’t connect me.’
‘Well, you’ve got me now. What is it, love? Is Issy . . . Oh, no! It ain’t Issy, is it? Oh, love.’
Listening to Megan telling her of Issy’s passing, Hattie knew her face was dampening with the tears she’d tried not to shed this good while – ever since hearing of Arthur’s wife’s passing – and the thought came to her, Well, that’s two gone. Not that she’d ever met Arthur’s wife, but in a way she were part of her life. Oh God, who is going to be the third one? Because deaths always came in threes, and you couldn’t count Sarah’s little babby, as it wasn’t even formed right. Please, please, don’t let it be my Harry . . .
‘Eeh, Hattie, love, it never rains but it don’t bucket down, as Issy would have said if she could, bless her.’
‘Aye, and she were right an’ all.’
‘How is Harry now? We came as soon as we could. Jack’s just parking the car. Have they said owt yet?’
‘Naw, they know it’s his heart, but they haven’t said how serious. Eeh, Meg, love, I’m to blame.’
‘Don’t be a daft ha’p’orth, love. How can you be to blame? It’s just one of them things. I just wished as it hadn’t happened to Harry, though.’
‘It weren’t, Megan, I know that. It were me carry-on over the years, harbouring feelings for Arthur. He knew; Harry knew and it made him insecure. He told me it were like a constant threat over his head, and he’s never felt like he were the right one for me. Imagine the strain of that on him. Oh, Meg, what have I done?’
‘You haven’t done anything, Hattie, love. Only the best you could have. None of us can help what goes on inside us. It seems as though we’re tuned into stuff we have no control over, but it’s how we react to it that matters. You’ve never sought Arthur out, or left Harry short of your affections, so you’ve nowt to put on yourself. Come here, love.’
Hattie’s body trembled in her arms and Megan felt heartsore for her. She’d been there, and knew what it felt like to be with the wrong bloke. ‘He’ll be all right, love. Keep your chin up. Harry’s going to need you to be strong. And we’ll all help, thou knows.’
‘You have enough on your plate, with Issy’s passing and Billy coming home tomorrow, and then him going off to fight.’
‘Aye, but it were strange, yer know. I saw his letter, so I know Billy were due back tomorrow, but when Jack rang the barracks to ask for him, so we could tell him about Issy, they said as he’d left on leave last night. But he ain’t showed here . . . Oh God!’
‘What is it, love? You looked feared to death.’
‘It’s Sarah and Richard. Sarah took Richard to the station. What if Billy arrives back and sees them?’
‘Well, there’s nowt for him to worry over, is there?’
‘You saw how he behaved at his coming-home party. He hates Richard. He thinks . . . Oh, Hattie.’
‘Look, Meg, there’s another saying Issy had: don’t meet trouble halfway, as it may not be travelling your road. It’d be a bit of a coincidence for him to arrive at the same time.’
‘Not such a one at Breckton, Hattie. The station is only small, and there’s only trains in and out in the morning and evenings.’
‘Reet, I can see your worry then. Look, I’m all right now. You go and give Sarah a ring. There’s one of them public phones down the corridor. Have you got some coppers for it?’
Megan searched in her bag and found the two pennies she would need. ‘Aye, I have. I’ll not be long, I’ll just make sure as Sarah’s all right. If she is, she should be in work by now, or at least the girls will have seen or heard from her.’
When Sarah answered the phone, Megan felt some relief, but still wanted to have confirmation that nothing was amiss. ‘Sarah, love, are you all right?’
‘Aye, Aunt Megan, I’m fine. You sound het up, though. Is sommat wrong?’
‘Everything, it seems.’ She told what she knew of Harry’s condition.
‘Oh no. Poor Hattie, and Harry, of course. Eeh, Aunt Megan, when will it all end? Tell them how sorry I am and give them me love. I’ve tried to ring you a couple of times as I have some news an’ all. Billy’s home a day earlier than expected.’
‘I know, and that’s what I rang you for. You’ve seen him, then?’
‘Aye, at the station.’
What Sarah didn’t say spoke louder than what she did, and unease settled inside Megan. Something wasn’t right, and yet Sarah sounded fine as she asked if Billy had been to see her and Jack.
‘He may have, but we’ve been out all day.’ She told her what they’d found out when they’d rung the barracks.
‘Oh God, I – I never thought. How could I forget? Eeh, Aunt Megan, I never told Billy about Granna.’
‘Don’t worry. We’ll call in.’
‘No, don’t do that! I – I mean, he may be resting. He’s had a long journey.’
‘All right. But, Sarah, is there something wrong?’
‘No. No. Billy were a bit upset as I couldn’t come straight home with him, that’s all.’
The dread increased. ‘Look, come over to ours if he’s in one of his moods when you get back, love.’
Disloyalty nudged at Megan’s unease. It were as if she was saying as her son could be a danger to Sarah, but then she couldn’t help the feeling. She had enough experience to draw on to make it true to her. As she came out of the phone box, she met Jack.
‘By, lass, you needn’t have come to meet me, but it’s nice as you did.’
His squeeze calmed her. ‘I didn’t, as it happened, love. I came this way to call Sarah.’ She told him about her fears. The colour drained from him.
‘And she said as Billy were all right, even though he’d seen her at the station with Richard? I mean . . . Eeh, Megan, thou knows as he can see what isn’t there. He can put a picture where there ain’t none.’
‘I know, and I’m worried. Sarah were a bit vague about his reaction, as if she was holding something back.’
‘Aye, well, I’ll go over there later and it might be a good idea to have them over to dinner.’
She told him how Sarah had counselled against them going over, but agreed about dinner. She should feel angry at Jack’s mistrust of her son, but she couldn’t. Why did Billy give a false date to the start of his leave? And what happened to change his mind about coming home earlier than he planned? These questions increased her worry, because she knew that, like his dad before him, Billy always had a motive for what he did.