Richard
Feeling his Shame
‘Darling, you’re home! And so is Mark. What a coincidence.’
‘Well, not really, Mother. Training has finished for a lot of us, and we have a couple of days before we take up our postings, though of course I will still be training for a while longer yet. Where is Mark? Has he any idea when he will be going?’
‘A hug would be nice, Richard. I’ve missed you, you know.’
‘Sorry, Mother. Come here. Oh, it’s good to be home. Is Father in?’
‘Is everything all right with you, my dear? You seem very agitated.’
The need came to Richard to unburden himself. ‘I’ll tell all over a cup of tea. I’ve done something I am rather ashamed of. Not sorry for, but afraid of the consequences.’
After telling them, he hung his head in shame. He felt that emotion intensify, just by being surrounded by his family – all honourable, decent people who wouldn’t dream of behaving as he had.
‘Good God, Richard! Not a good thing at all. You may very well have put Sarah in a lot of danger. I’m surprised at your appalling behaviour.’
‘I’m sorry, Father. I don’t know what possessed me. Is Billy still dangerous? I mean, still capable of—’
‘I think so. Never should have been released, in my opinion, but when I spoke to the fellows in charge of his case, they said there was no evidence to keep him in. They feel he is the army’s responsibility now. But I didn’t like what I saw at the dinner party: the look Billy had in his eyes, and his irrational thinking. Not only that, but he acted upon what he perceived. Though what you are telling us now, Richard, has simply confirmed what I thought. This is very bad form on your part. I’ve suspected how you felt for a long time, but why leave it this late? Damnation, man!’
‘Edward!’
‘I’m sorry, my dear. I’m just worried, and feel let down. I think we should contact Jack and warn him.’
Never had Richard seen his father so angry. His shame turned to humiliation. To have been bawled out like that, in front of everyone. But then, it didn’t matter. Sarah mattered, and he’d put her life in danger. ‘Oh God.’
The feel of his brother’s arm around his shoulders comforted him. ‘Come on, Richard, it may not be as bad as all that. Father, have you some of that whisky left? That nice syrupy one we had in our tea, before we went away? I think Richard could do with a drop. Poor chap was only following his heart, you know.’
‘You don’t follow your heart with a married woman. Yes, there’s some whisky in the cabinet – and pour me a stiff one whilst you are at it.’
‘I don’t want anything, thanks, Mark. I’m tired out, but I must keep a clear head. Father, I’ll ring Jack. It is only right that I do so; I need to salvage something from all of this. But may I say: this wasn’t a flippant thing. You are right, Father, I do love Sarah. I should have spoken up. It just didn’t seem right to do so.’
Feeling wretched enough about it all, Richard could have done without his mother chipping in. ‘Poor Megan and Jack. They have enough on their plate. Oh, Edward, I’m frightened. I have this feeling.’
‘Please, don’t start that, Bridget, dear. You have feelings every day that something is going to happen to Megan. You’re paranoid about her. She’ll be fine. Well, not fine, of course, but it is Sarah I’m worried about. Billy will see this as her betrayal of him, and I honestly think she is in grave danger.’
‘I want to go up and see them, Edward. I don’t want to wait until the funeral. I should be with them. Issy meant so much to Megan and Sarah, and to me, and Jack adored her. I can’t imagine what they are going through.’
‘All right, my dear. Yes, I think we should, but it has come at a bad time. The boys . . .’
‘We’ll come. I – I mean, I will. I can get to Liverpool from there easier than from here, and I have six days left of my leave.’
Richard suspected Mark had an ulterior motive for wanting to go, but had no inclination to goad him about it. The contents of his stomach were threatening to evacuate, and his head swam. Possibilities stabbed him with the horror of what could happen. God, he wished he had more leave. Not for the first time he felt the restrictions on his life. Bloody Hitler! How easy everything had been before that fateful broadcast saying ‘Britain is now at war.’
‘What about you, Richard?’
‘I can’t come, Mark. I’m due at Biggin Hill the day after next.’
‘And a bloody good thing, too. Having you there would only complicate things.’
‘Father, don’t you think I know that I have done wrong? Can’t you see how this is crucifying me? We are talking of the woman I love being in danger through me expressing that love. God, I feel bad enough without your constant condemnation.’
Slamming the door released some of Richard’s tension. Standing looking at the phone compounded the dread in his heart, but before he had time to ring Jack, the door opened and his father came through. ‘Richard, I’m sorry. I . . . well, I am angry with you. It was a silly action on your part, but I have suspected your feelings for a long time, you know. So maybe I am as much at fault. I should have broached the subject and helped you to a solution. Love is a very powerful emotion, making you act out of character. Still, all we can do now is try and save the situation.’
The stiffness and anger had left his father’s body. His arms were open. Like a child, Richard felt drawn to them. The hug held comfort and love, and the tears he hadn’t wanted to shed spilled over.
‘Come on, my boy. Make the call. Let’s do what we can to rescue the situation.’
Although he groaned inwardly, he didn’t say anything. His father stood by as he dialled the operator, his face showing concern of the kind that deepened Richard’s own worry. Where’s the bloody operator? She never answers when you want her, but is always there when you’re having a conversation. Poking her nose into everyone’s business!
The ringing continued: monotonous, persistent, demanding an answer. At last he got through, and after reeling off the number he wanted, there was a ‘Will try to connect you.’
A painful pounding set up inside his chest as he waited. No one answered. Images of the phone in Megan and Jack’s house came to him. He pictured the empty hall, and begged for the doors to open and for either Megan or Jack to cross over to the phone and answer him. It didn’t happen.
‘I’m sorry, caller, there is no answer from that number.’
He snapped with frustration. ‘For God’s sake, let it ring a little while. You haven’t given them time to get to it. I’m sure someone will answer.’
They didn’t, and his worry increased. Every possible scenario clogged his brain.
‘Richard, you know this is very bad form regarding poor Lucinda, don’t you?’
‘Oh, Mother, please! Don’t you think I know everything you and Father are saying is true? Do you really think I need all of this? I’ve behaved badly, but sometimes there is a moment in life when nothing else matters but what is before you. That moment happened at the station. I can’t explain it. Besides, I have been truthful with Lucinda. We have an agreement. Neither of us is sure, and we are not holding each other to anything.’
‘You will have to tell her how your feelings lie now.’
‘Where they have always lain, you mean. I know I will.’ He sank onto the bottom step of the stairs, his hands supporting his aching head. Desperation filled him. What can I do? What should I do? Please, God, keep Sarah safe.