Some women need more proof that texting does not yield positive results with men. After all, giving up texting is a huge departure from the way women communicate with men on a daily, maybe even hourly basis.
Sarah interviewed with a new firm and met Ben, a Mr. Handsome who struck up a conversation with her. Even though the interview went well and Sarah was offered the job, she decided to stay with her current employer. She was a tad disappointed that she would probably never again see Ben, but decided that it was not in her best interest to pursue him.
It wasn’t long before she heard from Ben, but unfortunately, it was a text, not a phone call. He wrote, “Hi Sarah, it’s Ben. Congrats on the job offer, but I understand it wasn’t a fit.” Sarah was hesitant to return his text, but figured since it was a professional discussion she would be fine. She replied an hour later.
“Hi Ben. Thanks for the congrats. I’m happy with the decision.”
Ben texted immediately. “What made you decide against taking the offer?”
Sarah sent her second text. “I just decided that I would miss my current firm too much.”
Ben immediately responded, “I understand. Are you still going to look, though?”
Sarah answered with a third text. “Not sure. A couple of firms look interesting, but haven’t decided.”
Ben asked, “Have you sent in your resume?”
Sarah was disappointed that Ben was only texting about work, but thought maybe he was testing the waters before he asked her out. She wanted to continue the conversation to be friendly. However, she began to wonder whether she was being pumped for information because she had turned down the job. She replied with a fourth text. “Not sure.”
Her short answer must have worked. Ben responded, “Okay well, I also wanted to know if maybe you wanted to grab a drink sometime.”
Sarah thought, “Finally, he asked me out!” and responded ten minutes later with a fifth and final text. “Sure!”
Ben texted, “Okay, I’ll get back to you later in the week to let you know when I’m free.” Sarah was in disbelief that Ben not only hadn’t picked a day, but that he had also said he’d let her know when he was free—he never asked when she might be available. She started to think his attitude was too casual for her liking. However, her Rule breaking was probably why he was being so nonchalant.
Sarah made three mistakes in this situation. The first was responding to Ben’s text. See, Sarah never gave her phone number to Ben; he had probably pulled it off of her resume or asked someone for it, which meant that he was, in fact, interested in her. Had Sarah thought it through, she would have realized that Ben went out of his way to get her phone number and would have called. Men don’t initiate “congrats” texts to women they don’t like. When a man goes above and beyond to get your number and then contacts you, it is fine to presume that he will at least call if you do not return his text.
If Sarah had received Ben’s text and awaited his call, the whole conversation would have turned out very differently. She would have known that Ben liked her enough to find a way to get her phone number and was interested enough to call after she didn’t respond to his text. She would have discovered her power during their conversation.
Her second mistake was in responding too quickly. She was text for text with him; within one day, she’d sent five texts but didn’t have any firm plans for a date. If Sarah was going to text at all, she should have played it cool and waited a day or two before responding to his first text. Given that he was just chatting about work, there was no reason to respond in less than four-hour intervals to the rest of his texts. Letting Ben know that she would text back at a moment’s notice made him realize that he didn’t have to work very hard for her attention; she had given him implicit permission to treat her casually.
Finally, Sarah had no reason to talk with Ben about her job search. She should have kept her answers short and not discussed whether any firms looked interesting. Their chat allowed him to bide his time about asking her out. If she had kept her answers brief but friendly, she could have shaped his perception of her as enigmatic and exceptional. Once a woman loses this mystique for a man, she never gets it back; it’s important to play your cards right from the start.
1. You meet Mr. Handsome at an office party. Even though you don’t give him your number, he finds you in the company directory and texts. You:
a) Answer right away. He went out of his way to get your number.
b) Ignore his text. If he’s looking you up in the company directory, he’ll probably call.
c) Wait 24 hours to return his text. Play hard-to-get, but don’t go overboard.
d) Text and tell him to call. You work together, so he isn’t a stranger.
e) None of the above.
2. The benefits of not answering a man’s text and waiting for him to call include:
a) Learning how much he likes you.
b) Letting him know he’ll have to work harder for your attention.
c) It’s easier to maintain your mystique.
d) A, B, & C
e) None of the above.
3. Texting a man:
a) Puts you at risk of ruining the mysterious, elusive persona that men desire.
b) Is fine if he initiates.
c) Always works in dating. Just space your responses.
d) Makes him want you more because men love instant access to women they like.
e) Lets you get to know him much more quickly.
Answers: 1) B; 2) D; 3) A
1. How often do you text with men? Are they asking you out as often as you’d like?
2. Have you ever responded too quickly to a man’s text and later wished you’d waited for his call?
3. Think of a scenario in which you felt like you lost your mystique because you texted. Were you able to get it back with the man you wanted?