If you are a single woman and are not on an online dating site, post a profile immediately. Match.com reports that one in five couples meet online now; they advise that “It never hurts to look”—by the same token, it never hurts to have men look at you.
But what do you do if a man you’ve met online chooses to contact you the first time by text instead of by phone call? Should you tell him when you give him your number that you don’t text so he doesn’t even bother? Or should you wait to see what he does?
Kristine met Leo online. He was thirty-seven, divorced with no children. He emailed her first to say he liked her profile and asked whether they could get to know one another. Because this was their first communication, she followed The Rules for Online Dating by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and waited forty-eight hours before responding, “Sure, that sounds great!”
Leo emailed her the next day, gave her his phone number and asked for hers. This time, Kristine waited twenty-four hours before responding with her phone number. She didn’t volunteer the best time to reach her or ask when he might call. Most notably, Kristine did not offer up that she did not have texting capabilities as a means to get Leo to call. The hard-to-get girl is busy; she has no time to remember to mention this. To do so would show that she is thinking about him, which is unnecessary and counterproductive. For all he knew, she only went online to check her email before running off for a date with another man.
The next day, Leo called and Kristine answered. Ten minutes later, she said she had to run. She had been so light and charming in their conversation that Leo asked if she would like to grab a drink or coffee sometime. Without missing a beat, she said that sounded fine but didn’t mention which she preferred; her interest was in agreeing to the date, not which beverage they consumed. Leo asked when was good for her, and she responded, “When did you have in mind?” He suggested Sunday, and Kristine agreed.
As they ended the call, Leo said that he would call on Sunday to confirm their plans. Kristine was relieved that texting had never even been mentioned. She thought maybe he didn’t like texting, either, and was reassured that she would meet him without texting beforehand. After all, he had said he would call.
But, as always in dating, nothing is perfect. Leo texted Kristine late Sunday morning and said, “Hi Kristine, looking forward to meeting you today! What time is good for you?” Kristine was irked. Leo had said he would call, not text. She was now faced with two options: she could respond to his text and confirm her date, or not respond, and possibly miss an opportunity to have their first date. It had been six months since anyone she liked had contacted her on online. She was thirty-five and dying for marriage and children.
Kristine wanted the beginning of her relationship with this man to start off as perfectly as possible, so she decided not to respond. She reasoned that since he had pursued her persistently up until now and was timely about setting plans, he would call. And then she prayed. Yes, even the calm, cool, and collected hard-to-get girl can get a little anxious about whether Mr. Handsome will call. But Kristine placed a high premium on being taken seriously and her experience with texting other men had led nowhere. This time, she did not want to mess up by allowing herself to be treated casually; she knew her best opportunity to shape the communication with Leo was right now.
Kristine busied herself with Sunday chores and errands as if her date was set. Sure enough, Leo called and said that he would drive to her. They planned to meet that evening at a restaurant within a couple of miles of Kristine’s house. During their phone call, he didn’t ask whether she had received his text.
Acutely aware of the significance of a first date, even if it was only for drinks, Kristine made sure that she looked as gorgeous as possible. She seemed to really like Leo. He didn’t mention his divorce, and Kristine didn’t ask. She knew that if there were more dates to come, there would be plenty of opportunity to talk about it. She wanted to have fun on their first date, not hold a therapy session. Leo was having such a great time that he forgot to ask her about whether she’d received his text, and of course, she made no mention of it either.
Because it was their ground zero, Kristine planned silently to stay only an hour. When the waitress asked if they would like another drink, Kristine politely said that the check would be fine. She turned to Leo and said that she had to go. When the check came, she neither moved to pay nor offered her card to “pay for her half.”
As they left the restaurant, Leo asked Kristine if she would like to go out for dinner sometime. Kristine paused, smiled, and slowly said, “Sure, that sounds nice.” Leo told her that he would be in touch during the week to confirm plans. Kristine was cool and, again, did not ask when he might call to confirm, offer times that she would be available, or mention that she did not text.
Fifteen minutes later, Kristine’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Leo telling her that he had a great time, she was even prettier in person, and he looked forward to their dinner. Kristine smiled, but still did not respond. Obviously, there was more leg work to do when it came to Leo’s texting.
Since she liked Leo, she prepared for the agony of waiting out his texts for a phone call. She knew that she was worth his phone call, but it was up to him: either he had to have her or he didn’t. To distract herself from obsessing about it, she signed herself up for a speed dating event that Tuesday night.
While she was there, Kristine received a text from Leo. “Hi Kristine, I wanted to touch base about dinner. Give me a call when you have a chance so we can set up plans.” Kristine held firm. This time, instead of feeling unsure, Leo’s text strengthened her resolve to not respond.
Although Leo was certainly not being rude, he was already treating her casually. Kristine reminded herself that other women probably would have texted and called Leo; he might not be used to the hard-to-get girl. She dug down deep into her reserve of patience and got busy once more.
Leo called late afternoon the next day. Kristine’s phone had been in front of her all day long; she was dying for his call. Before answering, she reminded herself to put spaces between her responses and not to talk too long or too much; that way, Leo wouldn’t drag out the conversation before finally asking her for the date.
It was apparent that Leo felt ignored. The first thing he said when she picked up the phone was, “Wow, you’re a really hard girl to reach.”
Kristine could tell he was slightly insulted, but acted as if she didn’t know what he meant. She said, “Oh.” Not “oh” as a query, just simply “oh.”
Leo plowed ahead. “Haven’t you been getting my texts?” Kristine said, “No, I don’t have text on my phone.”
The ensuing silence was deafening. When he spoke, he was incredulous. “Why don’t you have text? Everyone has text. Even my grandmother has text!”
Kristine laughed. “I know, I know.”
“Well?” he asked again.
“Oh,” she replied, “I never used it and had it turned off.”
Leo’s exasperation shifted towards curiosity. “Why didn’t you use it?”
Kristine airily responded, “I didn’t like it, being hunched over the phone, typing into a tiny QWERTY keyboard.”
Leo relented. “Okay, well, did you still want to have dinner on Saturday night?” Kristine smiled and paused. “Saturday sounds fun!”
They hung up and Kristine did a triumphant little dance. She knew now that Leo was into her; she didn’t need to waste any more time wondering whether he really wanted to go out with her. The victory was worth the agony. She knew that he might harass her again for not having text, but what mattered was that, from this point on, he would not expect her to text with him.
When it comes to whether you should respond to a text after meeting a man online, the unequivocal answer is no. Yes, you will probably stress about whether he’ll call; this is completely normal. But, it is vital that you ignore your anxiety. It doesn’t matter how you meet him, the game is the same—no texting means no texting. The hard-to-get girl doesn’t make exceptions based on circumstances. This standard has no wiggle room.
1. Mr. Handsome asks for your number online. You’re afraid he’ll text first and not call if he doesn’t hear from you. You:
a) Give your number and say, “FYI, my text isn’t working.”
b) Give your number and say, “Sometimes my phone’s out of range, in case you text.”
c) Give your number and say nothing about text. If he’s interested, he’ll find a way to reach you.
d) All of the above.
e) None of the above.
2. Your date hasn’t mentioned that you don’t respond to his texts. You’re afraid he’ll stop contacting you, so you:
a) Don’t even mention texting. You want to see how into you he is.
b) Casually mention how frustrated your sister is that you don’t text.
c) Complain about the awful phone coverage and how you’re switching carriers.
d) B & C
e) None of the above.
3. A man you’re supposed to have a date with on Saturday texts and asks you to call him to confirm plans. You:
a) Call him four hours after receiving the text. He made plans for Saturday so you already have a date.
b) Call him when you know he isn’t available. That way he has to call you back.
c) Text and ask him to call you later that night when you can talk.
d) Do nothing. Hopefully he’ll call and you can pretend you didn’t get his text.
e) Text him that you’re busy and can’t call, but ask what time on Saturday.
Answers: 1) C; 2) A; 3) D
1. If you’ve dated online before, have men texted instead of called when contacting you the first time? Did you respond? How did it end up?
2. Was there a man online you didn’t like very much whose text you ignored, and he still called? If so, can you see how this would work on Mr. Handsome?
3. Have you ever ignored a man’s text about a date and he still called? How did he treat you on the date?