It can be very confusing when a man cancels a date, no matter how he goes about it. If he cancels with a text message, you have a thoroughly modern conundrum on your hands. Although you’re feeling rejected and shaken, it’s important not to make a hasty decision and start a fight.
Michelle and Brian met online. He emailed her first and asked for her phone number within three messages. He called soon afterwards and asked her out for a quick drink on Sunday, and everything progressed smoothly from there. They’d had a few Saturday night dates, which Brian texted to confirm three or four days in advance. He took Michelle to nice restaurants, drove, paid, and was a gentleman. So far, all was perfect. Michelle had hopes that their courtship would lay the foundation for something long-term . . . that it would lead to marriage.
Their fourth consecutive Saturday night date was scheduled and Michelle was excited. The morning of their date, Brian texted Michelle, “Hi, gorgeous!” Michelle assumed he was texting about plans and waited half an hour to respond, “Hi there!” Brian texted back immediately. “Really sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel tonight. My sister’s in labor and I’m going to her house to be with my family. Can I see you next week?”
Michelle stared at her phone, utterly dumbfounded. She was being blown off the night of her date. Brian had never done anything like this before. Michelle did a quick mental run- through of their history together to make sure she hadn’t missed signs that he wasn’t interested, and couldn’t find any. It was likely, but not entirely certain, that he was telling the truth.
Michelle waited an hour and texted, “Congrats to your sis, travel safely!” She didn’t answer his request to see her next week. She decided to see whether he’d pursue her for another date, figuring that everyone was allowed one chance. If he canceled again, she’d know something was going on and that he wasn’t interested.
Michelle didn’t have to wait long for her answer. Brian called five minutes later. She let it go to voicemail; there was no point in answering. The last thing she wanted to hear was more about why he had to cancel their date. To her surprise, he left a message asking her to go with him to meet his family. She was thrilled! She’d kept her cool, her distance, and her man.
Michelle’s dilemma was easy enough to solve. Given their dating history, it was easy for her to believe his reason for canceling their date so abruptly. He’d pursued her from the outset and consistently asked for Saturday night dates. On the whole, their relationship was Rules. But what if your man isn’t so soothingly steady? What do you do then?
Adriana had been dating Stefan for three months, but their dates weren’t reliable. He habitually texted for last-minute plans—and Adriana accepted, afraid that she’d miss out on an opportunity for a date. Twice, she’d even canceled plans with her friends just to see him. But she was growing tired of Stefan’s inconsiderate habits, so she told him one night that the way he was treating her was unacceptable. He apologized, she believed him, and he asked her for a date that Saturday night at 7 p.m.
Adriana was pleased to have stood up for herself. She told everyone about her victory, and reasoned that Stefan really liked her—he must have been afraid to lose her. But two hours before their date, her phone beeped with a text from Stefan. “Hey babe, sorry, can’t make it tonight. Something came up.”
Adriana was heartsick. Still, she didn’t give him the satisfaction of her response; she knew their relationship was over. A man doesn’t treat a woman this way if he really wants to date her. Stefan never bothered to tell her what had come up, and never rescheduled their date. His lack of regard mirrored his lack of interest.
Adriana’s mistakes with Stefan were many. She hadn’t played hard-to-get, for one. She accepted his last-minute dates, for another. But the final nail in the coffin was telling him that she didn’t like the way he treated her. The Rules taught women that commanding a man to treat you better never yields long-term results. While he might agree to try harder to make you feel better or avoid a fight, his behavior simply won’t change unless it’s something he wants for himself—and even then, it’s a long shot if it wasn’t a Rules beginning.
If you are blown off for a date like Adriana was, the truth is that he doesn’t want you. He might be willing to sleep with you, but he doesn’t see you as a serious girlfriend or his future wife. When you play hard-to-get and follow The Rules, men don’t cancel. They want to see you. This is especially true in the beginning when you’re only seeing him once a week. Going a whole extra week without seeing you is like death to him.
Adriana’s best chance to turn their relationship around happened long before their heavy discussion about how she wanted to be treated. If she’d ignored his texts for last-minute dates, she would have found out if he would ever have asked for a Saturday night. Their relationship may have fizzled out anyway, but she wouldn’t have been ditched by text.
1. The man you’re dying to have is texting to cancel dates and not treating you well. To change this, you do all of the following except:
a) Talk to him about how his treatment of you is unacceptable.
b) Do nothing. Better treatment from a man must come from him.
c) Space your responses to his texts. Playing hard-to-get is your only shot.
d) Resolve to start seeing other people immediately.
e) Recognize that the relationship is over. If he had to have you, he wouldn’t cancel.
2. The man you have a crush on texted to cancel your Saturday night date because he was almost laid off the week before. He mentioned nothing about rescheduling. You:
a) Tell him how sorry you are and offer your ear if he needs anything.
b) Volunteer to go over to his house and take care of him.
c) Realize that he isn’t all that interested. He canceled and didn’t try to reschedule.
d) Text him that you two should go out and have fun.
e) Ask him whether you did something wrong. Maybe he’s mad at you.
3. You’ve seen Mr. Handsome for three consecutive Saturdays. He seems interested, but texts and cancels your fourth Saturday night date. You:
a) Give a breezy response. After all, he just canceled.
b) Examine how Rules the beginning of your romance is. If it’s Rules, then he’s likely telling the truth.
c) Think about his excuse and determine whether it sounds sincere.
d) Are harder to reach the following week and only respond if he texts about plans.
e) All of the above.
Answers: 1) A; 2) C; 3) E
1. Think of a time when you told a man that you didn’t like the way he treated you. Did it make the situation better? Why or why not?
2. When a man has canceled for a date, how did you react? Were you able to tell whether he was really interested?
3. If a man has a habit of canceling dates, have you been able to walk away? Were you making excuses for him?