Don’t respond. In fact, this is one of the easiest texts to ignore—you know he’s interested! If you respond, you’ll seem all too available for idle chitchat. You’ll hear from him again.
A text saying that he had a great time is sweet, but not worth returning. Do your best to wait for a text about plans; shooting the breeze should happen on dates, not over text. The less you respond to texts that don’t ask for plans, the faster he’ll get to the point in them. If he wants to chat all the time, he can marry you. Before then, he must catch you on the move.
Half an hour after Jillian and Corey’s first Saturday night date was over, Corey texted, “I had a great time tonight.” Jillian read the message and began to glow. She wrote back, “Me too, it was so fun!” She stared at the phone, eagerly awaiting his next text.
Instead of texting to ask for their next date, Corey said, “We’ll do this again soon.” This wasn’t the response Jillian had expected. She was confused. Why didn’t he ask? She worried that maybe he wasn’t into her.
Most women, like Jillian, want a man to ask for the next date right away so that plans are on the table. Women tend to be on pins and needles when dating. When they like a man, they’re anxious to see him and want to know that he feels the same way.
Had Jillian not responded to Corey’s text, he would have wondered whether she had a nice time. The wonderment would have left him a tad insecure, and his uncertainty would increase the likelihood that he’d ask her for another date. He’d be a little nervous about whether she’d say yes. Instead, he saw her immediate response and knew he wouldn’t have to work that hard. He could always catch up with her later.
There are several points to take away from this real-life anecdote. First, casual texting with a man leads to him treating you casually: you can expect him to come to you with last-minute plans. When you respond to his every text, all for the sake of reassuring him that you’re interested, he will take your availability for granted.
Second, responding to texts without plans encourages men to send ever more aimless texts. Meanwhile, the woman excitedly thinks to herself, “He misses me!” Don’t let him think he can talk to you without dating you. It’s your responsibility to cultivate his desire so he’s thrilled just to receive a text from you. Make it a habit to only respond to one out
of every three or four of his texts, unless he’s asking you out.
Third, when you respond to every text, you’re creating a monster. If you want to change how he treats you after that, you’ll have to do damage control and establish new patterns for both you and him. When he is used to you responding to his texts and then you suddenly stop, he will be confused. Breaking bad patterns is always difficult. It is much easier to set boundaries from the very beginning.
Rest assured: if he’s really into you, he won’t lose interest when you stop texting. He’ll wonder what’s going on and probably start asking whether everything is okay between the two of you. He might become more thoughtful and start working harder to get your attention, making reservations at your favorite restaurants, getting tickets for your favorite shows.
If he isn’t into you, he’ll stop texting once you stop responding. The Rules acknowledges that while it’s painful, it’s actually good news: you have rid yourself of a man who doesn’t want you. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that if you hadn’t played hard-to-get, he‘d still be in your life. The truth is that he wasn’t willing to date you if it involved any work. You’ll start over with a new man, one who must have you.
Always put your security and emotional well-being first. Just because a man buys dinner for you doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to affirm your interest—by text or any other means. Being hard-to-get sets you free from the incessant worry and uncertainty that characterizes the dating game for so many women. You have discovered a smarter way to play the game.
1. Mr. Handsome texts after your date to say he had a great time. You don’t respond because:
a) If you do, he might not ask for a date right away; he’ll think he can reach you later.
b) You know that you’ll most likely hear from him again anyway.
c) He might become even more thoughtful if he doesn’t hear from you.
d) The text didn’t mention plans.
e) All of the above.
2. If you don’t respond to his “I had a great time tonight” text and don’t hear from him again, you presume:
a) It was because you didn’t respond.
b) He wasn’t that interested.
c) You were an awful date.
d) The Rules don’t work.
e) None of the above.
3. Mr. Handsome texts that he had a great time. You feel you must respond. What should you do?
a) Respond immediately. He just dropped you off and knows you aren’t busy.
b) Text before going to sleep. You can make an exception just this once.
c) Nothing. You will most likely hear from him again.
d) Wait until the next morning and text, “Thanks, me too!”
e) Wait 24 hours and send, “Thanks! Hope to do it again soon!”
Answers: 1) E; 2) B; 3) C
1. Have you ever responded to a text in which a man said that he had a great time, but felt like it backfired? What sort of response had you hoped for?
2. On the flip side, when you didn’t respond, how long did it take for him to contact you afterwards?
3. If he didn’t contact you after sending that text, were you able to identify what the real issue was?