It seems reasonable to think that texting on a date makes you seem elusive. After all, The Rules says not to hang on his every word. What’s more nonchalant and unconcerned than texting with someone else while he’s across the table from you? Certainly it will pique his interest and make him wonder who’s getting your attention, right? It might seem like a viable ploy to draw him further in. But the opposite is true: texting on a date is a very bad idea.
You already have him by your side—he’s on a date with you. He’s jumped through all of your hoops so far, asked for a Saturday date by Wednesday, arranged for an interesting evening, suffered all week while you ignored his phone calls and texts, drove out of his way to pick you up, and is paying for the evening. You’ve followed The Rules, and you have his undivided attention tonight. If you start texting, he will assume that you’re inviting him to do the same.
Andrea had been on several Saturday night dates with Gabriel who was crazy about her. Even though she’d consistently played hard-to-get and was really enjoying the results, Andrea started to get insecure that his attention would wane. She devised ways to act more mysterious and elusive. Andrea asked her girlfriend to text her during their next date to make Gabriel think she received a text from another man.
When the text came, Andrea pulled out her cell phone during dinner and said, “So sorry, I need to respond to this.” She thought that it was Rules to not tell him who it was. Gabriel was quiet as she texted. Instead of putting her phone back in her purse, Andrea left it on the table. About ten minutes later, it beeped, and she texted on and off for the next fifteen minutes.
After a little while, she looked at Gabriel who was eating his meal quietly. She realized that she’d taken it too far. Andrea put her phone back in her bag and tried to pick up the conversation where they’d left off. “I’m sorry, you were saying about work last week . . .”
He shrugged indifferently and said, “It’s not important.” For the rest of the evening, Gabriel was subdued. He didn’t ask her for plans after dinner. Andrea was sad and ashamed of what she’d done, and promised herself she’d never make the same mistake.
Gabriel was on his cell phone when he picked her up for their next date and talked into his headset the whole way to the restaurant. Once they got there, he started texting. He wasn’t being overtly rude, but definitely wasn’t as attentive as usual. Andrea became very quiet. She thought that he might be texting another woman, and didn’t like it. He saw her pinched expression and asked, “What’s wrong?”
She said, “I just think it’s a bit rude you’ve been on the phone since you picked me up.”
Gabriel evenly replied, “I didn’t think it was a big deal to you.”
Andrea understood then that he was pulling her chain. She smiled and looked down. “Ah, I see.”
Gabriel said, “I don’t want us to talk to other people when we’re together, but if multitasking is okay with you, it’s fine with me.”
Andrea said, “It’s not okay, you’re right.” She conceded the argument.
Gabriel said, “Great. Let’s get back to our evening.”
Andrea was fortunate that Gabriel brought the situation to a head so quickly. He was disappointed that she was so cavalier about their time together, but had the presence of mind to solve the problem without making a big deal out of it. Once Andrea had a taste of her own medicine, she realized how inconsiderate and counterproductive her method was. She was already playing hard-to-get; she didn’t have to take it any further.
Another good reason not to text on dates is that he doesn’t need to see how quickly you can respond. If he sees you answer other people’s texts promptly but has had to wait hours for a response to his own, he might think you’re playing games. Worse, he’ll fast-forward to a married future in which you text madly away while your kids dump spaghetti on the family dog.
Don’t text on a date unless it’s a real emergency. Enjoy your date!
1. Your date starts texting during dinner. You:
a) Let him send a text or two, but say something later if he doesn’t stop.
b) Say nothing. You’ll talk to a Rules girlfriend later about what to do.
c) Say nothing, but are silent until he asks, “What’s wrong?” You’ll tell him then.
d) Start texting. Two can play this game.
e) Call a girlfriend until he stops texting.
2. You both have been texting on dates, but now you want it to stop. You:
a) Stop texting and hope he catches on.
b) Leave your phone at home for a few dates. Maybe he’ll notice you aren’t bringing your phone on your evenings out.
c) A & B
d) Have a quick chat with him about how neither of you should text on dates.
e) Say something less direct, like, “My parents never take their cell phones on their Saturday night dates.”
3. Don’t text on a date because:
a) If you’re playing hard-to-get, you’ll have Mr. Handsome’s full attention and won’t need to worry about losing it.
b) You don’t want him to see how quickly you respond to others but not to him.
c) He might start texting, too.
d) It’s hard to break bad patterns, like texting, once they start.
e) All of the above.
Answers: 1) B; 2) C; 3) E
1. Pay attention to couples who text a lot. What’s their dynamic? Does it look like they’re really paying attention to each other?
2. Leave your phone at home for a few dates. What happens?
3. Has a man ever complained about you texting during a date? Has a man ever done it to you? What was your reaction?