Q: I texted him and he asked me out. Why can’t I start texting all the time?
A: You might think you’re home free, but it isn’t Rules to pursue a man. You might not be as lucky next time; you will be disappointed if you text and he doesn’t ask for a date. Worse, now you’ll never know whether he would have asked you out if you had waited.
You’re more vulnerable now. He might ditch you for someone he really wants to see who will give him the thrill of the chase. Texting shows him that you like him, lets him know you’re thinking about him, and that you don’t have other, more interesting men contacting you. Once he knows this, he won’t consider you the It Girl. He’ll start pursuing the mysterious girl who makes him nervous when he asks her out. He won’t work as hard to plan your dates and he’s likely to take you for granted later.
If, however, you end up going out on the date that you initiated, make sure you are as Rules as possible. Look great, don’t talk too much, act demure, and most importantly, end the date first! You will be sealing your fate if you don’t. And don’t text him again until he has asked by you out on three more consecutive Saturday night dates. This drastic measure will help you make sure he likes you and has to have you.
Q: After how many dates can I occasionally text? How often? What's okay to say and what's not?
A: One of the biggest mistakes a woman will make is to ruin the chase. She might start out a relationship strictly applying The Rules. But once she thinks her man is crazy about her, she becomes complacent and starts initiating texts or phone calls. Whether you can do this depends on how Rules your relationship is and how long you’ve been seeing him. Generally speaking, you should do as little as possible.
Mr. Handsome will usually notice if you’re not calling. More likely than not, he’ll say something about it on the third or fourth date, asking why you don’t text or call or reach out to him first. If he brings it up, you can push him off a bit with something like, “So sorry, I’ve been so busy! I’ll get better.”
If he continues to ask, then you can give in a little. Wait until at least four Saturday night dates before you text him, only text once, and keep it simple. It should be nothing more than, “Hi! Hope you’re good!” Don’t ask, “What’re you up to?” If you must initiate a text to keep him off your case, it should be no more than once for every few Saturday night dates.
Most likely, he’ll respond positively. He’ll be sweet and might even ask for a date. If this happens, keep your cool. Don’t get addicted to texting. You’re only doing it because he’s repeatedly mentioned that you never contact him first. Don’t forget that even though he might complain that you never initiate, it doesn’t mean that he’ll stop calling or texting you. When a relationship is Rules, as long as you keep playing hard-to-get he’ll keep contacting you, whether or not you do the same.
Q: Is there a rule for how many texts to exchange before I should stop a conversation?
A: Yes. Just as The Rules for Online Dating suggests a limit of four emails with a man before you move on, this guideline can also be applied to texting. If he doesn’t ask for a date by the fourth text, stop responding. From then on, only text back if it’s about plans.
The reason to stop responding at the fourth text is to make sure he doesn’t start treating you like a pen pal. Once you establish a bad pattern by texting for extended periods of time, you’ll have a hard time changing his expectations and getting back to doing The Rules. Stopping at the fourth text minimizes the chance that he’ll end the conversation first with a text like, “I have to run.”
Some Rules girls are so strict that they’ll stop texting on the third text if a man doesn’t ask them out. This is just fine. He will ask you out if he must have you!
Q: How do I get a man to text when I want him to?
A: Unfortunately, you can’t get a man to text when you want. The Rules and playing hard-to-get are simply about how to respond to men who pursue you. If you do it right, though, you will consistently be asked out on dates.
That being said, you do have some influence over his texting habits. For instance, if you don’t want him to text you casually at night, don’t respond when he does. If you don’t want him texting for weeknight dates during the week, turn him down until he asks for Saturday. If you want him to ask for a date within the first few texts, don’t exchange more than four. While you can’t get a man to text the second that you want him to, you can encourage consistent behavior.
The only slight exception is if he asks, “When’s a good time to text?” Try saying, “Whenever is fine!” as if you have no preference. If he persists, you can say, “Evenings are good.” You don’t want to help him out much with the best way to reach you. Let him figure that out for himself. You want him to have to work hard to pin you down, so try not to mention the best time to reach you. If it’s a Rules relationship, you’ll hear from him regularly.
Q: I texted him and he hasn’t responded. Should I text again to make sure he got it?
A: If it’s a Rules relationship, and you’re texting just to say a quick hello and he hasn’t responded, then chances are he’s busy. If you really just want to chat, let this be a lesson to not text men. Under no circumstances should you text him again; it’s the equivalent of calling twice.
Don’t make excuses for him, telling yourself that maybe he didn’t get your text because he’s traveling and had no signal. His text works fine. And if he is, in fact, ignoring you, you’ll look wildly insecure if you send another text.
Think of what it says to him when you text repeatedly. What if he’s rolling his eyes to see that you’re texting again? Or smirking because he thinks you’re wrapped around his finger? Better to act as if you sent a quick text and moved on with your day—even if you are plagued with self-doubt until you get a text back. But, he doesn’t need to know that.
If he finds out later that something is wrong with his phone, he’ll let you know. He might even ask whether you texted just in case he missed it. No matter what, it’s better to assume that he received your message than ruin your hard-to-get appeal by texting twice.
Q: What do I say if he asks why it takes so long for me to respond to his texts?
A: A Rules Girl consistently waits anywhere from a few hours to two days before responding to each of Mr. Handsome’s texts. This is counterintuitive to many women who are inclined to respond within nanoseconds. It is equally unsettling to men who have grown accustomed to the instant gratification afforded by an omnipresent communications network. When you don’t respond right away, he’ll want to know what took you so long. Don’t be irritated if he asks—it just means he misses you. But how do you answer?
If you’ve just started dating, you don’t owe him an explanation about how you spend your time. He isn’t your boyfriend and doesn’t need to know why you didn’t answer his text immediately. Do not say this to him, but don’t get nervous if he tries to wrangle an answer out of you. Smile sweetly and say, “Things are so hectic lately, I haven’t had a chance to get back to people.”
Some men won’t be satisfied with that answer and will keep pushing until they find out what you’ve been up to. Give him your best, sweetest smile again and respond, “Work, errands, seeing my friends and family, movies . . .” Don’t say anything terribly specific. Give off an air of mystery. Who knows? You could be seeing someone else.
What do you say if you’ve been dating Mr. Handsome a while, even exclusively, and you’re trying to maintain your hard-to-get appeal? Chances are, if it’s a Rules relationship he’s probably already used to the hang time between his texts and your responses. But if you’re trying to put more Rules behavior into your interactions with him, here are some answers that you might want to keep around:
“I forgot my cell phone in my gym locker.” “I was out of range.” “There was a delay in my texts all day.” “I left my Blackberry on my charger at home.” “I had it on vibrate and didn’t hear it.” “I was in a meeting and didn’t have it with me,” “I didn’t realize it had shut down when the battery died.” “It fell between the seats as I was driving.”
No matter what you have to tell him, don’t let him know you’re playing hard-to-get. You want him to think you’re busy—not holding your phone like a lifeline. Again, though, if you’re not texting at all, you can nip it in the bud and never have this conversation.
Q: He’s texting to ask me out, but only for weekday dates. What should I do?
A: Say no until he asks for Saturday night. No one working forty or fifty hours a week wants to rush home at the end of the day and get ready for a four or five hour date; Saturday night is the best time of the week for dating.
A Saturday night date will also be the most revealing about a man. If you met him online or out somewhere and have no idea who he is, he might be married. He could be telling his wife he’s going to happy hour with his buddies on a Friday night, but she’ll expect him to be with her on Saturday. You don’t want to find out the hard way that he’s married, all because you never held out for the Saturday night date. If he’s consistently available on that night, he’s telling you you’re his first priority as a date . . . and maybe as a girlfriend or wife, too.
Q: What if I prefer texting but he wants to talk on the phone?
A: Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it’s in your best interest to follow his lead. Having a man who’d rather talk to you is a great problem to have. Some people truly hate texting; hunching over a tiny keyboard drives some guys crazy. Don’t make him do something that he hates or he might end up resenting you later on.
Of course, he must ask you out once he reaches you on the phone—the ten-minute rule still applies.
Q: He used to call, but now only texts for dates. How can I get him to start calling again?
A: Very simply, stop answering his texts and wait for him to call, no matter how long it takes. If he must have you, he will. When he does finally call, there is no need to explain why you stopped responding to his texts. If he asks about it, play dumb and say, “My text has been acting funny.” This is a great time to completely stop texting; no need to go back to an old, ineffective pattern.
1. You never text Mr. Handsome. However, the one time you do, he asks you out. You:
a) Don’t continue to text. It isn’t Rules to pursue a man.
b) Know better than to make it a habit. Otherwise, you might not be the It Girl.
c) Can start texting now. As long as you aren’t asking him for a date, it isn’t pursuing him.
d) A & B
e) None of the above.
2. Mr. Handsome has been saying that he notices that you’ll text him back, but never text him first. This means all of the following except:
a) He’s upset with you and will stop texting if you don’t initiate.
b) He likes you! Otherwise, he wouldn’t notice anything that you did or didn’t do.
c) No earlier than the fourth Saturday night date, you can send him a quick text.
d) He’ll continue texting. If a man must have you, not texting won’t drive him away.
e) You should reply, “Things are hectic. I haven’t been good about responding.”
3. You’re texting with a man and it’s taking him forever to ask you out. Frustrated, you:
a) Are straightforward and say you’re tired of texting.
b) Stop texting at the fourth text. He hasn’t asked for a date and you aren’t his pen pal.
c) Hint at a date and say there’s a new art exhibit you want to see.
d) Only text him back next time if he asks for plans.
e) B & D
4. Mr. Handsome is traveling and hasn’t responded to your text. You:
a) Text again. He told you to text him and you don’t want him to think you didn’t.
b) Call him to make sure that he’s okay. It’s really unlike him to not respond.
c) Keep your cool and get busy. You always get his texts. He got yours.
d) Don’t text twice. When he does text, you’ll ask what took him so long to respond. He always asks you, so it’s fine that you ask him.
e) Send another quick text and ask him whether he’s okay.
5. You’ve been doing a great job not responding immediately to Mr. Handsome’s texts. But he’s getting suspicious about why it’s taking you so long to respond. You respond:
a) “We just started dating. I don’t really think it’s appropriate that you keep asking me.”
b) “I know! I keep forgetting my phone on the charger at home, so sorry…”
c) “I never ask you why it takes you so long.”
d) “I think all that matters is that I get back to you.”
e) None of the above.
6. Your guy really likes talking on the phone. You find it a pain to have a Bluetooth in your ear and are too busy to chat. You tell him:
a) “Sorry, I drive a lot and don’t always have my Bluetooth with me. I don’t like to text and drive.”
b) “It’s such a pain to talk on the phone these days. Text is much faster for me.”
c) Nothing. It’s better under The Rules to let the man take the lead. You do your best to answer the phone.
d) A & C
e) None of the above.
Answers: 1) D; 2) A; 3) E; 4) C; 5) B; 6) D
1. If you’re doing The Rules and a man complains that you aren’t contacting him, do you notice that he still contacts you anyway?
2. The Rules for Online Dating suggests that you not email a man back and forth more than four times. If you’re in the habit of texting, how many texts does it take for him to ask for a date?
3. Have you tried stopping texting to get him to call for dates? Has it worked for you? Were you able to stay consistent and no longer text?
4. You’ve been advised to write down a list of excuses for why your texts are delayed. Have you used any of them? What did he say?
5. Have you been able to say “no” when a man only asked for weekday plans? How have your relationships gone when he wouldn’t see you on Saturdays?