Pointing out the hard-to-get girl is easy; simply find her counterparts for contrast. All the women who pursue men, do too much in their relationships, and are always hurting never trust in the one timeless Law of Romance that The Rules taught us: man pursues woman. Women who do not believe this premise are everywhere. Just look around you. You will find at least one family member, girlfriend, or coworker who stays with men who do not treat her well.
As a supportive friend, you listen to hours, potentially years, of stories resounding of heartache and devastation, all because the man is not as emotionally invested in the relationship as she is. As an outside observer, you feel that your friend deserves better and cannot understand why she is with someone who treats her so badly. You know that she should hold herself to a higher standard.
The beginning usually starts out the same. Elizabeth has a wonderful date with Eddie and she swears they had a great time. But the next couple of days pass and she doesn’t hear from him. You make excuses for Eddie, telling Elizabeth that maybe he is trying not to look desperate by contacting her too quickly. The weekend passes and Elizabeth has heard nothing. You know that he is not interested and that it is over. Elizabeth, however, is upset and cannot let it go.
Countless days pass. You repeatedly tell her not to contact Eddie. You, the wiser, hard- to-get girl, remind her that men who have to have a woman will call. You prove your point by listing the men Elizabeth doesn’t like who call her all the time. In fact, they still call even though she does nothing to invite their interest. Your hard-to-get advice falls upon deaf ears. She is certain that it was something she did wrong. Maybe it’s her high-powered job; maybe Eddie is intimidated.
She reasons that it would be fine to shoot Eddie a quick text just to say hi. She tells you, “It’s not like I’m asking him out on a date. Let’s just see what he says. I have to know what happened.” Eddie responds and sounds happy to hear from her. He gives her a stock response: “Sorry I didn’t contact you. I’ve been so busy with work.” Elizabeth reassures him, saying that she is all too familiar with how busy work can make someone.
Despite not having contacted Elizabeth after their date, Eddie is all of a sudden free. He invites her over to “watch a DVD, just hang out, something low-key.” She races back to you. “There is no need to play silly, old-fashioned games. Eddie was just waiting for me to contact him. He probably thought I wasn’t interested.” She starts pinning the blame on herself, saying, “Come to think of it, I can be a bit stand-offish at times. I’m going to head over there. I wish I’d contacted him sooner."
While she puts on her makeup and flies out the door, Elizabeth is squealing about how great it is that Eddie wants to see her. You are uncertain; you know this is not a real date. As a last-ditch effort, you say, “Elizabeth, this isn’t a date. He’s probably at home changing his sheets right now, anticipating that you will sleep with him tonight.” Elizabeth says, “Oh gosh, I’m not sleeping with him. I’m only going over there for a little while. Besides, I don’t care. It’s a low-key date, remember?” She is now describing herself as “low maintenance.” She is so lonely that she will take anything. You watch sadly as she runs out the door.
Elizabeth calls the next day and sheepishly admits to having slept with Eddie. She’s fine with it; it was incredibly romantic. Really, it was. And it was just a one-time thing. You roll your eyes, knowing that this is not true. Now that Eddie knows that he can have something so easily, there’s no way that he will give it up just yet. So the pattern repeats. Elizabeth is in hell because she cannot let Eddie go. She continues to see him even though she is the one who plans all of their dates. Elizabeth is the chaser and Eddie the chase-ee. Forget being hard-to-get; she is gone—she can’t disentangle herself now, despite feeling unappreciated. Unfortunately for Elizabeth, love is pain and pain is love.
No one likes Eddie—not her family, friends, or coworkers. They all think he’s a jerk and say over and over that Elizabeth deserves better. And while Eddie might be a jerk, truthfully, the pain Elizabeth experiences is her own fault. It all can be traced back to her first text to him—the one that never should have happened. Had she just endured a bit of loneliness, she never would have found herself in this awful predicament with a man who does not want her. She now has a broken heart, along with a lot of wasted time and energy.
One day, Eddie completely drops Elizabeth and starts seeing someone else. You’re not surprised; you’re relieved and think this is a blessing. Your friend, though, cannot stop blaming herself and goes through intense denial. Thinking that there is no way he could really be gone, she starts recounting all of the good times they had together. “He’ll be back. What we had is too precious.” But a week later, Eddie has not called or even responded to one of Elizabeth’s “Can we talk about this?” texts. She is infuriated and begins to enumerate all of the niceties that Eddie took for granted.
As her friend, you are not thinking “I told you so.” You feel badly for her; the poor thing is grieving. Yet pain is a great teacher. Now that Elizabeth has bottomed out, wonderful transformations can occur
Elizabeth vows to never again give so much to a man and swears them off entirely. Reflecting on her past behavior with disbelief, she is ashamed to have let a man treat her so badly. Her desperation for love took her to an emotionally bad place. She knows that next time around, reciprocity is in order. Amidst this anger, the hard-to-get girl is born.
Like a drug addict committing to detox from the quick fix that is male attention, Elizabeth quits chasing men cold turkey. She reads The Rules and every book that she can on playing hard-to-get. She follows The Rules’ advice to rebuild her ego with positive slogans. Gone are the days of unnecessary hurt because of chasing men who do not want her. Elizabeth can now spot these men from a mile away. She no longer feels rejected.
As the newly born hard-to-get girl, Elizabeth prefers a bit of loneliness and boredom than being with a man who does not want her. Knowing that no one is worth her emotional well-being, Elizabeth understands that having her own life and establishing healthy relationship boundaries with men is a must. She expertly avoids the trickle-down effect of being heart-broken after calling men who are not calling her. She has a new identity as the mysterious hard-to-get girl.
With a new emphasis on self-preservation, caring for her heart is paramount. On dates with men, Elizabeth is no longer an open book. She is mysterious, smiling demurely as she sips her wine. She ends dates first and doesn’t act uncertain about whether he will want a second. She never contacts him afterwards to say hi when she doesn’t hear from him. Elizabeth is hard-to-get and always leaves men wanting more of her.
Elizabeth releases her concerns about whether a man will contact her after a date. She realizes that endless time and energy have been spent worrying about this. Elizabeth now knows that this is something over which she has no control. She continues to focus on her life. If he doesn’t contact her, well, then, he just doesn’t exist. Elizabeth can always find someone else at the next singles dating event she books. Sure, it was a bit lonely and nerve-racking at times, enduring the uncertainty of waiting. As the hard-to-get girl, though, she would rather die than let a man think of her as an empty, insecure woman without a life of her own.
To her surprise, playing hard-to-get reaps enormous rewards. Men now call her to say how much they enjoyed dates with her. Elizabeth loves being the chase-ee and giving men the opportunity to miss her. She revels in voicemail messages from men who are disappointed because they couldn’t reach her. Her suitors know they must earn her affection. She vows never to return to her old, desperate lifestyle. Once a woman becomes hard-to-get, she never goes back.
1. You haven’t heard from your date. You:
a) Call him instead of text. That way he knows you like him.
b) Do nothing.
c) Go to a singles event and keep dating.
d) B & C
e) Send him a text that just says hello. You aren’t asking him for a date.
2. After a bad breakup, you:
a) Read The Rules and other books about moving on, maybe join a gym, and have fun.
b) Talk to girlfriends who encourage you to not text your ex.
c) A & B
d) Sleep with someone you don’t care about. You won’t get hurt if you’re not attached.
e) Arrange a date with an old flame. No sense in being alone.
3. What are the benefits of letting men pursue you?
a) It gives them the opportunity to miss you.
b) You’re in control and will only date men who want you.
c) Men won’t find you insecure and desperate.
d) You’ll establish healthy boundaries with men.
e) All of the above.
Answers: 1) D; 2) C; 3) E
1. Think of a past relationship that ended badly. What factors contributed to its end?
2. What negative outcomes have you experienced when you chose to pursue a man?
3. What will you do differently after reading this chapter? How will you act in your next relationship or change your behavior with your current boyfriend?