“Kat, I love Bernie, but I haven’t seen you in two weeks,” Jenny said when she realized Kathryn had driven her to the photographer’s apartment instead of her house.
Kathryn turned off the car and was silent, the seriousness of the moment obvious in her suddenly drawn face.
“Kathryn, what?”
“Cal was killed last week. We just found out about it around here a few days ago.”
“Oh, God. Bernie.”
Jenny didn’t hesitate and was out of the car and running to his door before Kathryn could utter another word. She was met at the door by a young man Kathryn didn’t recognize, but from the terse exchange, Jenny knew him well.
“He doesn’t want to see you, Jenny,” the young man said.
“Get the fuck out of my way, Robert!” Jenny said as she pushed by him.
Kathryn approached slowly, stopping at the steps. Robert stepped outside and descended the stairs until he stood beside her.
“How is he?” Kathryn asked.
“Not good, and she’s not going to make it any better. He’s pretty sore at her.”
Kathryn knew exactly what he was talking about. She got an earful from Bernie when she couldn’t say why Jenny hadn’t returned his calls.
Kathryn and Robert could hear the accusations seeping from the open windows of the row house. Robert sat on the step. He removed a handkerchief from his pocket and spread it on the concrete for Kathryn to sit on. Kathryn unbuttoned her jacket and sat down beside him, as shouts drifted into the street.
“I needed you, Jenny, and where were you? I have always been there for you! Always!”
“I know, Bernie, but—” Jenny tried to reach for him but he pulled away. It was the first time he’d ever turned his back on her. “Bernie, please … I’m here now.”
“I don’t need you now!” he shouted as he shoved some folded shirts in a suitcase. “I needed you yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that!”
Jenny knew she’d let him down, but there was nothing she could say.
“I haven’t seen you in weeks!” he continued. “You’re always so—” He bit down on a curse. “Busy!” He threw open the top drawer of his dresser and retrieved some socks.
Jenny watched him slam drawers and throw once neatly folded clothes haphazardly into his luggage. “Where are you going?” she asked quietly.
He stopped mid-toss and stared, incredulous. “I’m going to Cal’s funeral! Where do you think I’m going?” He shook his head and slammed his case shut. He turned and straightened, pulling his bag off the bed in one smooth motion. “Welcome home, Jenny. Now go play with your girlfriend. I don’t need you anymore.”
His words pierced her heart like a knife blade. She grabbed his arm as he attempted to pass. “Don’t say that, Bernie.”
He stared at her, tears welling in his eyes. “Hurts, doesn’t it?” He continued out of the room, leaving her in stunned silence.
What had she done? She couldn’t tell him the truth, and she had no stomach for more lies at the moment. She was sorry now that she ignored his messages that were forwarded to the Farm, but at the time, she reasoned she would be home soon enough. Surely, he could wait. Bernie could always wait. It pained her to admit it, but he was right. She’d taken him for granted. She’d pushed him aside and was oblivious to the pain it caused him.
She straightened her jacket and braced herself for more of the ugly truth. She tentatively stepped into the kitchen, where he was leaning against the counter, staring out the window, arms outstretched and back to her. He knew she was there and said nothing. She closed the gap between them and placed a hand on his tense shoulder. He didn’t shout, and he didn’t pull away, so she gently embraced him from behind, laying her cheek between his shoulder blades.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “About everything.”
He lifted his chin, still defiant, but at least was willing to respond civilly. “I’ve missed you, Bug.”
He called her Bug, and she was relieved. She closed her eyes in thanks and held tighter. “You must have—” She grinned. “You called Robert.”
She could hear a smile break from his lips, and he relaxed as a laugh rumbled through his back. The laughter quickly turned into sobbing, and she found herself supporting his weight as he turned and went limp in her arms. They both slid to the floor, and Bernie poured out his pain and grief as he crumpled into a ball with his back against the kitchen cabinets.
Jenny held him to her chest and rocked him gently. “I know, sweetie. I’m so sorry.”
She was sorry for more than just Cal. She was sorry she’d let their friendship drift so far away, and she knew he cried for the same. Things would be different now that she was back. She swore it.
Jenny left the house with a new appreciation for the word sacrifice. She was just beginning to comprehend the far-reaching grasp of her commitment. She ached to tell Bernie the truth and wondered whether she could ever truly heal the wound she’d inflicted on their friendship without it.
“Thanks, Robert,” she said sincerely, with a hand on his arm as she passed. “Sorry.”
“Not a problem,” he called to her back.
“Are you okay?” Kathryn asked, as they walked side by side to the car.
“Not really,” Jenny said, as they both got into their respective sides of the car.
Kathryn put the key in the ignition and took her hand. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
Jenny shook her head and exhaled in disbelief. More than just her relationship with Bernie had changed. She had changed. She felt strangely empty, unable to feel for Bernie and his loss. It was as if it wasn’t real and she had just awakened from a bad dream. Was it that easy to lie to yourself? Can a person just shut off the cold, hard slap of reality in a desperate attempt to retain some semblance of normalcy? Jenny looked into Kathryn’s concerned eyes, eyes that had seen so much pain yet still managed to illuminate a soul that had so much to give, and decided, yes, a person can.
Kathryn gazed helplessly at Jenny. This was just the beginning. She saw something in her eyes, something she recognized, and something she would have done anything to spare her from. This path was hard, and it was only going to get harder, but each person dealt with it differently. She could be there for her, comfort her if she could, but the rest would be up to Jenny. She tugged on her hand.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
“No,” Jenny said quietly.
Kathryn offered a questioning glance.
“Let’s run away instead.”
Kathryn nodded in complete understanding and started the car.
She drove them to Luc’s penthouse apartment in the city—their safe house. There, the world would stop simply because they wished it, and Kathryn could tell that Jenny very much wished it. She had been understandably quiet on the ride over, and Kathryn didn’t push for her thoughts or try to distract her from them. Jenny had a lot to process, and how she dealt with the burdens of her new responsibilities would be the key to her success or failure.
She sensed Jenny felt better just being in the penthouse. The surreal surroundings, the sublime memories of their intimate afternoons together, and the news that Forrester was out of town until the end of the week all muted the sharp edge of reality. Kathryn was glad about Forrester. Jenny would need all the attention she could give her. She would find her way—everyone does—but these first few hours, these first few days, would tell a lot about her ability to adjust, and as distasteful as it seemed to Kathryn at that moment, part of her job was to assess Jenny’s mental state upon her return and report her findings to brass.
Tonight wasn’t about assessment. It was about support, and Kathryn waited patiently for Jenny to come to her. They moved about the apartment, engaging in pleasant small talk as they settled in. Jenny said nothing about the tragedy that had befallen her friends. She was doing her best to honor their sanctuary and push the day out of her mind, but guilt had a way of seeping into the best of intentions and derailing the simplest of plans.
“I want to forget about Cal and what happened with Bernie,” she said after a long, contemplative silence. “Just for a little while.” She tugged off her earrings and placed them on the long bathroom counter. “Is that wrong?”
“You do what you need to do, honey. There is no right or wrong in that.” Kathryn nudged her. “I think you told me that.”
Jenny smiled weakly in agreement as she shed her shirt and then unzipped her skirt.
Kathryn followed suit, removing her hose and dropping her skirt. When she began to unbutton her blouse, Jenny took over.
“I’ll do that.” She guided the material off Kathryn’s shoulders and concentrated on her hands as they traveled over her skin.
Kathryn could see Jenny shutting down emotionally. She didn’t look her in the eyes. Instead, she concentrated wholly on her task, as if peace could be found in the mindless pleasure of their proposition. She kissed Kathryn’s breasts as she removed her bra and whispered, “You are so beautiful.”
Kathryn let her go on seducing her, giving her what she thought she wanted, but Kathryn knew that wasn’t Jenny. She never ran from anything, and she wouldn’t run very far from this. She would break. It was just a matter of how and when.
Jenny turned her waiting mouth upwards. “I want you.”
When Kathryn covered her mouth with her own, Jenny drank desperately from her lips. This is what she needed. Kathryn would bring her back to her senses. She would find herself in their love, and she would break through the dark shroud suffocating her.
“I need you,” she said between kisses.
“I’m here.”
“Need you,” she repeated, as kisses weren’t enough and she devoured Kathryn’s body, starting at her neck and hastily working her way down her tall frame.
Kathryn let her take what she wanted, but it wasn’t enough. Desperation turned to anger, as she wondered why she couldn’t feel anything. She was with the most beautiful woman she had ever known, the woman she loved, and she felt nothing. How could this be? She tried to focus on Kathryn’s warm skin beneath her hands and lips. She pulled at Kathryn’s garter belt, uttering a frustrated curse when she couldn’t remove it fast enough. Kathryn took care of it as Jenny shed her slip.
With clothes no longer an issue, Jenny went in search of her misplaced desire. She grasped Kathryn in a desperate embrace and resumed what she hoped would become a passionate kiss. She felt no passion in the kiss, and it frightened her. The harder she tried to feel something, the more disconnected she became.
“Kiss me, Kat,” she demanded, as if she were the problem.
“Jenny—”
“Kiss me, Kathryn!”
She looked Kathryn in the eye for the first time since they arrived at the penthouse. She could tell Kathryn saw not only her fear but her anger as well. Kathryn cocked her head, obviously knowing it would do no good, but kissed her fiercely anyway. Jenny moaned as if she felt it—it was her favorite kind of kiss from Kathryn—but eventually pushed away in frustration.
“Damn it!” she said, as she turned her back and put her hand to her forehead. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Kathryn said, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Jenny shrugged it off. She didn’t want comfort. She didn’t want pity. She wanted Cal alive again. She wanted her relationship with Bernie whole again. She wanted the war to be over. She wanted to be stronger, braver. She leaned on the counter and bowed her head.
It wasn’t Kathryn’s fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. She had to pull herself together. What she was feeling was normal. She just had to give herself time and allow those who loved her to help her.
She took a deep breath, let it out, and felt Kathryn’s hand slide gently onto her back.
“I’m sorry, Kat.”
Kathryn moved closer, and Jenny turned into her arms for the loving embrace they longed to share at the train station.
“I’m so sorry.”
Kathryn kissed her head. “It’s okay, honey. It’s going to be okay.”
Jenny let Kathryn comfort her and believed what she said, because if anyone knew about overcoming adversity, she did. At least she could feel Kathryn again. She could feel the love in their connection. She thought she’d cry in relief, but the tears never came.
Kathryn ended their embrace with a loving kiss and led her into the shower, where she gladly washed away the day.
Jenny stared at the stream of lights below as they sat on a ledge in the rooftop garden of Luc’s penthouse and looked down on the busy city. She felt safe with Kathryn’s arms around her and more like herself than she had in the last two weeks. Certainly more than she had in the last two hours. The height no longer made her feel omnipresent. She felt very human, and very fragile. Maybe it was the woman pressed against her back, the fact that she needed her so. Her touch and her presence gave her strength and confidence that she could face whatever lay ahead.
Kathryn had been so good with her, so patient and gentle. She knew she understood what she was going through, and she understood that she was fortunate to have someone who cared enough to see her through it. Kathryn hadn’t been so lucky, and her penchant for running was the unfortunate result. Jenny kissed her hand and wished that she had been there for her. Kathryn kissed her head in return.
“You don’t have to do this, Jenny. The program is voluntary.”
Quitting wasn’t an option, and Jenny ignored the offer. She just had to get in touch with her emotions so she could better prepare to face the future.
“I wanted to cry today,” she began. “For Cal. For Bernie. For his loss, for the pain I caused him. But the tears wouldn’t come. It’s like I’ve lost something … but I don’t know what.”
Kathryn held her tighter. “You’re just tired.”
Jenny was tired, but she knew that wasn’t it. Shutting out a tragedy was one thing, but losing her connection with Kathryn was another. Apparently, emotions are a package deal. You don’t get to pick which ones to experience and which to ignore.
“I was afraid. I don’t ever want to lose you like that again.”
“You didn’t lose me.”
Jenny stared mindlessly at the streets below. Tomorrow they would be part of that world again, and somewhere, to someone, they would be as faceless and insignificant as the meaningless patterns of light dissecting the night.
“Everything is going to change now, isn’t it?”
Kathryn held her tighter but didn’t answer. She didn’t have to. Things already had.
Kathryn and Jenny’s story continues with In the Shadow of Truth (Shadow Series Book 3), available for preorder now at your retailer of choice. Projected release date, late 2022.
If you enjoyed this book, please leave a review so that other readers can discover Kathryn and Jenny as well.
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