12	Taking Charge at Home THE ART OF PROBLEM SOLVING

The eight steps in Chapter 11—and the advice in the rest of this book—should prepare you for many different situations, but they cannot cover every possible eventuality. Undoubtedly there will be times when you’re not sure how to handle a new problem. When that happens, try some of the following methods.

A SYSTEM FOR SOLVING NEW PROBLEMS

Many of us are already adept at problem solving, but we use this ability somewhat automatically and would not find it easy to call it forth on command. The following seven steps systematize the process so that you can tap this natural resource even when the stress of the situation is clouding your mind. Most of the time they will reveal a plan of action that you might not have thought of otherwise. This process works even better if you go through it with your spouse/partner or a close family friend. Two heads, as they say, are better than one.

Step 1: Define the Problem

Before you can solve a problem, you must define it clearly. For instance, the problem may be that your child does not pick up his toys or do his homework when asked. Either of these descriptions is a better way of stating the problem than “My child won’t listen to me” or “Why won’t my child do as I ask?” The first approach uses clear and specific terms to define the problem; the second is vague and does not convey what the child is or is not doing or precisely what you expect of the child.

Write down on a sheet of paper exactly what behavior problem you wish to solve.

Step 2: Rephrase It as Positive Behavior

Now rephrase the problem as the behavior you desire from the child instead. “My child does not pick up his toys,” for example, could become “My child will learn to pick up his toys when asked to do so.” This makes the objective of your behavior management plan very clear.

Let’s take a slightly more complicated example. Suppose you originally stated the problem as “My child lies.” This is not a bad first attempt, but it could be more specific: “My child lies to me when I confront her about something wrong she has done.” This makes it clear that your child does not lie all the time, but only when confronted about some possible misdeed. Then you could rephrase it as “My child will learn to be honest and tell me the truth when I ask her about something she may have done wrong.”

This is how educational plans are written for children in special education programs. Rephrasing problems as objectives guides school staff members to help a child by stating more clearly and usefully what they wish to achieve with the child. Doing this has a way of making the means of accomplishing your goal more obvious. When you know what behavior you want to encourage, it’s often easier to remember that reinforcing this behavior should be your goal. So the solution could be “I will reward my child when she tells me honestly what she has done” or “I will test my child’s honesty periodically throughout the day by asking her what she has been doing. If she gives me an accurate answer, I will reward her for it.”

Write down the word Goal on your sheet of paper and underline it. Next to this word, write down the positive alternative behavior to the problem behavior you just recorded. You now have two statements on your sheet: the problem, stated specifically; and the goal, the desired alternative to the problem.

Step 3: List Your Options

Here’s where you let your creativity flow. Your job now is to brainstorm as many possible options as you can think of to handle the problem behavior and achieve your goal. This sounds easier than it actually is, because many people start to list a possible solution and immediately become critical of their own ideas. When you criticize yourself too quickly, you stop your creative juices from flowing. Leave the criticism until later. For now, your task is to be inventive. Let your mind be free to wonder about anything you like related to your objective, and to wander across the subject. Think about how other parents seem to handle this problem. Think about what you may have seen on TV or in the movies or what you may have read in books about this problem. How would your own parents have handled it? How would your best friends handle it? What do you think a physician or psychologist might tell you?

On your sheet of paper, write down the word Options and underline it. Below this, start to write down all possible options or alternatives, no matter how silly they seem. Write down any solution you think others might propose, even if you think you would not handle it their way. Your job right now is to get as many options or solutions on paper as possible.

Step 4: Constructively Evaluate Your Options

Now return to the first option on your list and think about how it will work. What is likely to happen if you try this? Do you foresee any problems? Could those problems be handled easily? Be reasonable and fair in your evaluation. Don’t discard an option just because it might take a little effort to implement. It could turn out to be the most effective option on your list.

After you evaluate each option this way, place a number from 1 to 10 next to it, with 1 representing the lowest or most negative evaluation and 10 your most positive evaluation.

Step 5: Select the Best Option

Most of the time, selecting the best option is pretty easy. The numbers next to each item naturally guide your attention to those with the most desirable ratings. Focus on these for a moment. Perhaps you ranked several as equally useful. Reconsider them. Which do you feel is most likely to work for you or to get a positive response from your child? If you cannot decide, just pick one at random to try first. You’re simply going to test this idea, as you’d test a hypothesis in a scientific experiment. If it doesn’t work, you can return to your list to try the other positive options. If it works, you can continue trying it. The point is that no one is expecting you to pick the “right” answer. No one knows beforehand what is going to be right for a particular child. If you expect to predict accurately all the time, you’re asking for much disappointment. Testing the ideas that you believe have merit with an open mind is what we call “scientific parenting”—surely a more realistic, practical, and forgiving approach than striving to be right all the time.

Circle the option you’ve chosen. If necessary, write it out in more detail so you know exactly what to expect of yourself. Put the solution into practice for a week, and if it seems to be working, continue it for as long as seems necessary. If it does not work very well, look at other possibilities on your list and put another likely solution into effect for a week. Continue this way until you feel you’ve solved the problem.

Step 6: Compromise on Disagreements

If you’ve been working at problem solving with another adult, such as your spouse/partner or a close friend, you may disagree on the choice of options. Try not to be too wedded to your own choice in that case. Ask about the other adult’s reasoning in more detail and listen carefully to the response. Then briefly explain your own choice. One of you may find yourself convinced.

If you’re still deadlocked, give in to the other person—yes, give in! Remember, you are experimenting for a week or so, not changing your family routine for life. You can afford to go along with the other adult’s preference for a week. That means being fair too; avoid any temptation to sabotage the other person’s choice. If it fails on its own merits, you can go back to your list and try out the one you had chosen.

Step 7: Carry Out Your Plan and Evaluate Its Success

Now that you have a plan, stick to it. Child behavior problems are not likely to be resolved in just a few days. Don’t be thrown off the track by failure to see results at the start or by the objections of others—especially those of your child. I have worked with parents who have set up a behavior contract with a child to do homework and then withdrawn it just because the child expressed some initial displeasure. If this happens to you, stay with your plan. Your child’s protests may mean that you’re right on target—that the child has recognized the need to change behavior to succeed under this new plan, which is exactly what you want. You would not avoid having your child inoculated against disease just because your child dislikes shots; neither should you drop efforts that you know will improve your child’s behavior in the long run just because he or she protests the procedure.

After a week or so of consistently following your plan, you can take time to evaluate its success. If it does not seem to be working, go back to your list and select another option. But don’t criticize yourself because the first plan did not work. Remember, you are experimenting, and that means there are no guarantees.

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR TRANSITIONS

Knowing that children with ADHD live in the moment and have trouble anticipating and making preparations for the future, you probably are not too surprised when your child has trouble adapting quickly to a new activity. All children get frustrated by adults’ control over their use of time, but for children with ADHD making the transitions that even a regular schedule imposes can be a struggle. Typically these children have difficulty switching from a fun, rewarding activity to one they perceive as boring, such as switching from play to homework or to doing chores, or from TV time to dinnertime or bedtime. But they also have trouble switching gears—from active outdoor play, for example, to an inactive long drive in the car. Your child might find switching abruptly to a new set of rules problematic as well: being quiet when a phone call interrupts time spent with a parent, or being courteous and staying in one room when a visitor arrives in the middle of the child’s playing freely at home. A child without ADHD may learn to anticipate transitions from, say, TV time to homework time, because that activity transition occurs at about the same time each school day. To a child with ADHD, however, the switch may seem far more intrusive because the child does not learn to anticipate as well.

As suggested in Chapter 11 for managing your child in a public place, the best approach is to help your child prepare in advance for transitions. Here are some recommendations:

1. A few minutes before the transition to the new activity must take place, give your child advance notice, such as “Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes. At that time I will ask you to turn off the TV, wash your hands, and come to the table.” These statements help to prepare your child for the upcoming transition, and they set the occasion for you to come back in a few minutes and give a firmer command about coming to dinner.

2. Politely ask your child to repeat this warning back to you so you know that the child heard what you said. This is especially important when your child is mentally absorbed in another activity, such as TV or a video game. Simply saying, “Did you hear what I said?” may elicit a “Yes” just so the child isn’t scolded for not listening.

3. When the transition time arrives, give the instruction to obey as a direct but neutral, business-like command: “Tommy, as I told you a few minutes ago, it’s now time for dinner. Turn off the TV and wash your hands.” Ignore any protests and don’t argue. Simply restate the command if necessary, then ensure that it is followed, even if that means turning off the TV yourself. Reward your child for following through on the instruction. If your child does not listen, follow the steps given in Chapter 11 for fines, loss of privileges, or time-out.

USING WHEN/THEN STRATEGIES

Just as children with ADHD don’t anticipate transitions, they are unlikely to anticipate the future consequences of their present actions or to associate these later consequences with what they are now about to do. So spelling out the consequences is very helpful to them. You can also take this a step further: rearrange events so that how your child behaves now does lead to something more rewarding to do a little later.

Arranging artificial links between a child’s current behavior and later rewards has been called the Premack principle, after Dr. David Premack. According to the Premack principle, any activity or behavior that occurs frequently can be used as a reward for one that occurs less often. (Some people have also called this Grandma’s rule.) Dr. Charles Cunningham at McMaster University Medical School calls it a when/then strategy, and it involves denying the child access to a fun activity until some nonfun but necessary work is done: “When you do your homework, then you can watch TV.” This is a very inexpensive way of rewarding a child because it transforms activities that are already usually available to the child into privileges to be earned. Because the child is used to having free access to these privileges, however, at first he is likely to protest having to earn them by doing some work. This means sticking to your guns may require some extra diligence from you.

The strategies presented in this chapter all require you to plan ahead to reduce hassles when a problem develops. They can actually be fun to use, can become a natural part of your parenting behavior, and can help your child be happier and more socially cooperative in your family and with others.