––––––––
"You what?" squealed Pia. Her eyes shone like stars and she waved over the waitress. "Yoo hoo, we urgently need some champagne over here."
"It just kind of happened," I said.
"I can't believe you actually called him. I'm so proud of you." She pressed my hand.
Credit where credit is due. And in my case, it wasn't.
"I didn't contact him at all. He was just suddenly there at my door."
"You..." She stared at me speechless. "You little tart!" she laughed. "You're so lucky he chased after you. Can't say as much for your vampire."
She put on her “think about it” expression.
"Yeah, fine."
"One bottle of champagne," the waitress announced and placed two glasses in front of us.
"A toast!" Pia grabbed her drink and clinked her glass against mine as soon as I had it in my hand. Then she drained half of it in one go.
"How are things with you and Ethan?"
"Oh," she said and played with the edge of her glass, running her fingertip around it again and again. "We go out, we make out, but he never asks me if we want to be together."
"Have you...?"
"Nah." She sighed. "Sometimes I think I should just do it. Maybe he wants to take me for a test drive first."
"Or he's romantic and just likes dating you," I suggested.
"Well, I've had just about enough of dating." She shook her head, resigned. "He likes me, no question. And he wouldn't turn down sex if I'd give it to him. What man would? But I don't think he wants to be tied down. He enjoys flirting. It's not like he's going out with anyone else, but what good is it to me if he doesn't want to commit to one woman?"
Ethan had always kept up this playboy image. Maybe he wasn't quite ready to let it go. I knew Pia wouldn't go chasing a guy who didn't want her.
"You'll find someone else," I comforted her.
"I'll take your vampire, now you've got Adam," she joked and sipped the rest of her champagne.
"I'd set you up with Lennox, but..."
"He's gay," she finished my sentence and nodded. "I know."
"No, he's with Trixy."
She clinked glasses with me again and emptied her drink. "Even gay men are getting into relationships. Great."
"He's not even gay."
"Yeah, and I'm actually a baritone."
I had to laugh. "I really don't want to picture that."
She shook her head in disbelief. "So, Lennox huh?" Pia pointed at me with her empty glass. "Nice guy; he liked my voice. If I'd sung him ‘Sweet Dreams Are Made of This’ he'd be with me now instead of Trixy."
"Yeah, but you don't even want him."
She grinned. "Damn right. I don't just want a man who's into women, I want one who's into me. Only me, you know?"
I knew very well. That was exactly how Adam had won me over. And it could well be that Lily had already become Sebastien's bride, simply because she was the chosen one for him. She had said I probably wouldn't get to meet him unless I got together with my vampire. Still, I knew where his shop was and no-one could forbid me to go shopping. Even if I was with Adam now, I wanted to know more about the blood flowing in my veins. And I was still puzzled about what had happened to my green metal tin and the letter.
I was sure Sebastien didn't look like the passerby from the lake. Still, I'd take the drawing with me. Even if I only showed it to Lily. It was possible she'd been accepted into the secret society of vampires by now and maybe she'd recognize his face.
On the way to the gothic shop I played Christmas songs; right now I was driving along to the sounds of Chris Rea's 'Driving Home for Christmas'. I'd timed it just right, so I would arrive only once it got dark. If I wanted to meet a vampire, I couldn't do it in broad daylight.
Adam was at home, programming something. I still couldn't really picture him as an IT guy, but in my head I just swapped out my image of the usual nerds for one of a hot babe.
The sun had been set for half an hour already when I entered Sebastien Duvall's shop. It was called Miroir Noir, French for “Black Mirror”, but I couldn't see any black mirrors anywhere. The clothes made up for it by all being dark though.
An assistant who looked like a duchess of darkness approached me. My appearance seemed to amuse her. Probably because I was wearing my winter-white sweater. It was the color of snow. That was why I had bought it. The red skirt from the party and my soft leather ankle boots completed the look. I was about as gothic as a garden gnome.
"Were you wanting a whole new look?" she asked.
"Actually, I'm looking for Sebastien Duvall."
She eyed me in surprise. "Really? With regard to...?"
"It's a private matter."
She frowned. "He's spoken for."
Now I grinned. "Yes, I know Lily. Is she here?"
She crossed her arms. "This is a place of business, not a social club."
"Miroir Noir, huh?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"But there aren't any black mirrors here."
The corners of her mouth quirked up in amusement. "It's about finding your dark side here. If you want, I'll show you another facet of yourself."
I looked around in curiosity. "Sure, why not?"
I told her my size and was looking forward to seeing what mirror of my inner darkness she would hold up for me. Meanwhile, I sent Lily a text telling her I was here. So far my surprise visit hadn't worked out too well.
"Come this way, I've picked out a complete outfit for you."
The assistant led me to one of the changing rooms. There really was a full outfit waiting for me - stockings, boots, lingerie and an interesting dress.
"I'll help you with the dress. Let me know when you're ready. I've got accessories for you too."
"There's no mirror in here either," I said in surprise.
"This is the changing room for newbies. The effect is more impressive if you don't see it until after the transformation is complete."
"Sure, whatever." I pulled the curtain across and sighed. It would have been better to come in summer, because now I was going to have to peel off all my layers. This salesgirl was kind of crazy anyway. Hopefully the overall outcome didn't just look like a black and white picture of myself.
The things were extremely monochromatic: black, black and more black. My art palette would be pretty sad if it didn't have any colors either. As much as I enjoyed drawing with charcoal, I mostly did it because it came easily to me. Still, I wouldn't want to go without my colorful paintings.
I stood in the dressing room, almost naked, and held the black lacy underwear up against me. Gothic or not, I should get these. Even if I didn't have a mirror in here, I was sure Adam would be all glassy-eyed as soon as he saw them. Really he didn't deserve to see me in them, after making fun of my straw angels like that; still, he had done it in a charming, not insulting, way.
I wasn't familiar with the whole corset thing yet. Were these meant to be suspenders? Holy Shih-Tzu. Add in my high heels and Adam would be singing 'Time of My Life' to me again. Even if the stuff about a dark side was utter nonsense, the sales girl at least had an eye for erotic lingerie. I rolled the stockings carefully up my legs. It felt kind of wicked. I wondered whether Lily had worn suspenders on her wedding day.
The dress was made from a glossy black material with a devoré motif of dark velvet which overlay it all like a mysterious trimming. There were no sleeves, rather it had straps of pure lace which I could hide my bra under, and which stopped me feeling like everything was going to suddenly slip down.
The skirt was short, but at least it hid the fact I was wearing suspenders. Even the wide lace edges of the stockings remained hidden. While the bodice would give me a wasp waist as soon as the zip was up, the three-layer skirt fell in soft waves around me. The bottom layer was made only of black lace. I felt a bit like a black swan in it.
"I could use some help now," I called out and the assistant pulled back the curtain to zip me up. I held my breath as she did, because the thing was as tight around me as a lover in the last moments before climax. Everything was very constricted and snug, but I noticed with surprise I was still getting plenty of air. All the same I never forgot I was wearing this corset, and that created quite a sensual feeling in me.
Then she decorated me with accessories, among them long black gloves and the lace-up boots she had already laid out for me. She hung a necklace of black onyx around my neck and painted my lips red, then brushed out my blonde hair.
"Black or red would suit better," she said. "Your blonde changes the look quite a bit. Some use ash blonde, that works too. For a first impression it will do though. You could also consider getting bangs and highlights."
"I don't want to change my hair."
My mother liked to call me her Christmas angel. She would be pretty damn shocked if I did something new with my hair. Especially since I was naturally blonde. There was no way I wanted to start dying my hair and have to constantly worry about regrowth. And I was fairly sure Adam liked me as I was. He wasn't from the gothic scene, so it wasn't necessary to tear my hair out trying to turn myself into his fallen angel.
"Ready?" asked the assistant.
"Sure." What was the big deal? I was just wearing a few black clothes. But when she turned the mirror around, a complete stranger stood before me.
"I'll take it from here," the deep voice of a man rang through the room.
He sounded just like he had on the telephone. Sebastien Duvall. Apparently I didn't have to get involved with a vampire before I could meet him in person.
The sales girl even bowed before him and left the shop in a hurry, locking it from the outside and hanging the 'closed' sign in the door. My little outing suddenly didn't seem like such a great idea anymore.
"Hello, Lucy."
This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.
"Hi," I croaked.
"So you came here, even though Lily told you that you could only meet me if you chose your vampire."
"Er..." I rubbed my arm awkwardly and my attention caught on the lace of the gloves. I quickly hid them behind my back. "Actually..."
"Yes?"
A little voice inside me rasped: This is not the kind of guy you want to lie to. He really didn't look like someone who would put up with that. So no, I wasn't just here shopping by chance.
"I have a few more questions about the blood in me, and what it does to me."
Sebastien looked like a dark envoy of the night. Although he had quite a normal stature, he seemed to stretch on beyond himself. His hair was full of shadows and his eyes were so deep, I wondered whether he would hypnotize me here and now.
"What it's doing now, is bringing you here," he explained.
"Will it always drive me to him, or can I be with someone else instead?"
His eyes narrowed. "With who?"
I didn't want to give away Adam's name. Somehow I had the feeling I needed to protect him. With Sebastien, I had no idea where I stood.
"Just someone."
"If you're not serious about them, it's fine." I could see he thought it would upset my vampire though.
I felt like there was a fist clenched around my heart. "So that means it wouldn't work?"
He forced out a heavy breath. "The soul is in the blood. His blood is in you. His soul is in you. You share this bond. It's quite straightforward."
"But you must be wrong, because I'm in love with someone else."
Sebastien tilted his head, as if I was having trouble with simple addition. "You can't run away from what is inside you."
"It was a one-sided gift of blood. He didn't get anything from me."
"Maybe humans donate blood. Vampires don't. It remains our blood. A piece of him is now in you, which means you are bound to one another. Nothing is one-sided about that."
"But I can still try, right? I'm going to try to make my new relationship work."
"So why did you get all dressed up for him then?" Sebastien took a step closer and stroked his finger all the way up my throat to my chin. Then he held it tight and forced me to look at him. "Do you think you feel weak-willed in my presence? Just wait until you're near him. When he reveals himself to you, it will be as if you were drawn into him. And no matter who you think you're together with at the time, it will tear you away from them.”
Sebastien let me go and took a step back. Then he shrugged. "But of course that is your choice, if you want to break a few hearts along the way be my guest."
I glared at him, furious. "I'm not a puppet."
"You belong to him."
I shook my head emphatically. "I decide for myself what happens in my life."
He didn't bat an eyelid. "You wouldn't even have a life if it weren't for him. You would have been under the cold damp earth for the past fourteen years, because without him you would have drowned. What he gave you, it comes with a price." Sebastien gestured to me, from head to toe. "You are the price. Everything about you."
I put my hands on my tightly squeezed waist and felt how my breasts revolted against the corset with my furious breathing. "Where is he then? Obviously he doesn't even want me. So it won't bother him if I sleep with another man."
Sebastien groaned and shook his head once more. "He won't like that at all."
"He's done nothing about it so far. And I haven't seen him either." But the picture in my purse of the man by the lake wasn’t Sebastien either. "Do you know where I can find him?"
He shrugged. "I haven't seen him in a while. The wedding preparations have taken up all my time."
I dug out the picture. "Is this him?"
Sebastien looked shocked. "No, it's not."
"But you know this man?" I insisted.
He nodded. "Yes."
"And who is he?"
"I can't tell you."
This bloody secrecy made me mad. Outraged, I poked at the picture with my finger. "He stole something from me."
"I can't help you with that."
"Are you this cold with Lily too?" I hissed out of sheer desperation, but actually I was close to tears.
His expression softened. "Once you follow your destiny, you'll understand."
I had already fallen into icy water once before, and now he wanted to throw me in at the deep end again. Without a lifeline, without information. "At least tell me why this man would take something from me."
"I'm sorry, Lucy. If you want to know the truth, there's only one vampire who can give it to you."
There was a knock on the glass. When I saw Lily standing outside I was so relieved. Sebastien let her in and gave her a long kiss, no longer looking at all stiff and cold. At least he didn't treat his own bride like a little dog. He melted when he was around her.
Finally she pulled away from him and came over to me. "Oh, Lucy, look at you! I'm so glad you came."
"She doesn't want to see him," he said.
Lily wrinkled her forehead. "I thought you were here because you wanted to commit to him, like I do my Sebastien."
"As in get married?" I gasped. "No-one ever said anything about marriage. Vampires can have normal relationships too, you said so yourself."
"Your blood union isn't normal." Sebastien never tired of emphasizing that.
"I'm certainly not saving myself any longer for someone who never shows."
"Heavens, Lucy, you only just turned twenty-one two months ago," said Lily.
"So?" At our group meetings she'd never made any allusions to my age. Did she think I was a baby?
Sebastien rolled his eyes.
"What?" she asked. "Wasn't I supposed to say that?"
"Wow, I mean, I know how old I am. Why shouldn't you be able to say that?"
The vampire looked like he could use some yoga just from being around me. Lily grabbed his hand and nestled against his arm. He immediately radiated more calm.
"We don't turn children," he explained.
"What do you mean, turn?" I stared at him, horrified. "No-one’s asking to be turned."
With raised eyebrows he eyed me in my new gear. "Sooner or later it will always come up."
"They don't get involved with women who are too young," Lily said. "Twenty-one is the minimum. That's why he didn't come to you. They have strict guidelines."
"That's also why he gave you his blood instead of turning you into a vampire." Sebastien looked thoughtful. "He only had two options back then. It was that, or let you die." He didn't look as if he found the latter option particularly far-fetched.
"Then he really will come to me?" I stammered. "It's not just a theory anymore?"
Lily nodded. "Your path is predetermined."
On the way back to Brookings I was so overwhelmed, I had to pull over and get out several times because I was feeling so sick I thought I might throw up. My feelings for Adam were already so intense, I didn't want to lose him no matter what. But Sebastien had made it really clear that in this matter, my free will was as distant and irrelevant as the wild geese that had gone south for winter.
I wondered whether Adam and I should run away together. Could there be a place on this earth where the blood in me no longer reached the vampire? He had saved me, but in this moment it seemed more like he wanted to take away my life.
If he could wait until I was twenty-one, surely he could wait a few more years. At least a few years with Adam. I didn't want to lose him, especially not now. I wanted to buy myself some time with him. Sebastien hadn't shown any understanding for that, and being sworn to secrecy made it impossible to speak to anyone else about it, to Adam most of all.
With trembling fingers I dug out a piece of paper and a pen, and started writing a new letter. I wished for time with the man I had just begun to love. I asked for a postponement. Any amount of time was fine, as long as I didn't have to leave him right away. I didn't want my feelings for Adam to be carelessly wiped off the face of the earth as if they didn't mean a thing as soon as my vampire appeared. I was grateful to him, I emphasized that in every possible way. I was so thankful for the life he had given me. But time meant something different to him - what difference would a year make by vampire standards? He would manage, and it would mean so much to me. A whole year.
Still, I didn't know how tolerant he was. During that time I would be with Adam, loving him and sleeping with him. Sebastien had hinted he wouldn't like that, but I had no other choice. In fact I’d been told very clearly that I didn't have any choice at all. Everything depended on what my vampire did next.
Since I hadn't bought a metal box for it, I put the letter in a Tupperware container and drove out to Lake Campbell. I wasn't sure whether the spot by the lake would work as a letterbox this time or not, but I had no other delivery address for him.
I parked right close by, so I didn't have to walk too far through the darkness of the early hours of the morning. Meanwhile I was dressed in my winter clothes again, but Lily had packed everything up for me into a bag and Sebastien had insisted on me taking all the black stuff as a gift from him. I didn't recognize myself in them. It looked like I didn't have a dark vampire side.
What if my vampire seized me and turned me into one of his kind? Then I would be a turned, like Sebastien, and on top of that I'd have to die first. The idea scared me. Afterwards I wouldn't even be powerful enough to turn Adam too, if he still wanted me then. Maybe as a vampire I'd be capable of freeing myself from this pull my rescuer could apparently exert over me. So many maybes. So many ifs. The future lay black and unreadable before me.
I pointed my flashlight at the frozen ground by the bank of the lake. What had once been mud was now just a cold crust. Ice crystals crunched under my shoes. If I hadn't known this place like the back of my hand I probably would never have found the spot in this starless night. But almost blind, I still steered my footsteps in the right direction.
The little hole from the last time something of mine was disinterred lay untouched before me. I knelt on the frosty ground, placed a kiss on this box too and then hid it in the hollow. In a few hours the sun would come up. Surely no-one would collect it today.
Exhaustion crept through my body and for a moment I was tempted to spend the night at my parents'. But my mom would get a huge fright if I turned up unannounced. She would know something was wrong, and I couldn't talk to her about it. For one, because I wasn't allowed to, and for another because I didn't have the energy.
So I got back into my car and drove home with this empty feeling in my stomach. I crawled into bed, but I was so cold inside that I got up again and pulled on even more warm clothes. The eyes from my wall followed me as I did. My heart clenched painfully and I stared at my easel.
Then I made myself a coffee and began to paint a new picture. I took my time with every detail I had come to love. This time I knew the whole face - the laughter in his eyes, the dimples. I couldn't draw how soft his lips felt. Couldn't reflect how his skin smelled, unmistakably like him. With a blindfold on I'd still recognize him. The husky sound of his voice too was something I couldn't capture. Tears dropped from my cheeks, because in the end I wouldn't be able to hold him anymore.
With the first light of the morning I fixed a painting of Adam to my wall. I hung it in the middle of all the other drawings.