THE NEXT MORNING DAWNED COOL AND CRISP. AN ABUNDANT array of leaves fluttered across the grassy field surrounding the cemetery. Chris got out of his car and shut the door, then he shoved his hands into his pockets and walked over to the small burial ground. The gate squeaked open as he stepped through. A strong breeze kicked up, making the colored leaves swirl and chilling the tops of his ears. He wished he had his wide-brimmed hat, but he’d given that up along with the other articles of Amish clothing he used to wear—the broadfall pants, homemade shirts, and suspenders—after being shunned. But since he’d returned to Paradise he longed for those simpler clothes.
He slowed his pace as he headed toward the corner of the graveyard where Caroline lay. He glanced around, looking for Ellie. He was a good fifteen minutes early, but still . . . it was in the back of his mind that she might not show up. He stood in front of his fiancée’s grave and looked down at the small, plain concrete marker, the same shape and size as the rest of the headstones. He knelt down beside the faded green grass that covered the grave and closed his eyes.
Memories of the funeral and burial flooded his mind. How he had balled up his grief that day, trying to keep himself from breaking down in front of family and friends as they viewed her casket in her parents’ basement per Amish tradition. The hours before taking her casket to the graveyard had been excruciating, and the only way he had gotten through it was by plotting his revenge against Isaiah. He clearly remembered standing by Caroline’s graveside and vowing that Isaiah would pay for her death, and pay dearly.
He opened his eyes and ran his palm along the grass. “I failed, Caroline.” His voice was thick with the emotion he had allowed to fester for all these years. But even now he couldn’t let the grief flow, not when faced with how he had let Caroline down. Isaiah had gotten off free from blame and consequences while the woman he had loved lay in the cold ground. How was he ever supposed to let that go?
“Christopher?”
He turned and stood at the sound of Ellie’s voice. He hadn’t heard her approach. She was standing just outside the gate, as if waiting for his permission to come in. He strode over to her and opened the gate for her. Her limp was less noticeable than it had been yesterday. “How did you get here?”
“Daed dropped me off on his way to work.”
Chris was surprised; he hadn’t even heard the buggy approach. “Didn’t he see my car?”
She nodded.
“And he didn’t care?”
“He’s not as strict as Mamm is.” She turned toward the sun and closed her eyes, allowing the warm beams to shine on her face.
He tried not to stare at her, but he couldn’t help it. “I’m glad you came.”
She turned toward him. “You thought I wasn’t going to show up?”
“The thought did cross my mind.”
Ellie shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Chris.”
And he believed her. Ellie kept her word. That was the type of woman she was. Strong. Filled with faith and forgiveness. She was perfect, while he was so flawed. He turned away, trying to fight his emotions, even though he knew she couldn’t see his expression. Then he felt her touch his arm.
“Chris?”
He faced her again and, without thinking, moved closer. “I failed her, Ellie. I didn’t realize it until this moment. I promised her that day that I would make Isaiah pay for the accident. He never did.”
“You didn’t fail her, Chris. That promise was given out of pain and grief. Believe me, Isaiah has paid dearly for what happened.”
He let out a sigh. “I think we all have.”
She nodded. “Why did you ask to see me again?”
Her blunt question caught him off guard. How could he admit he just wanted to be with her, to hear her voice, to listen to her say things that spoke to his heart? He couldn’t tell her, not without scaring her off. He was scared enough by the abruptness and intensity of his feelings. The thought of leaving her tomorrow was almost unbearable.
But she wasn’t the only thing keeping him here. If he had really wanted to leave, he would have done it as soon as he heard about Sarah Lynne’s engagement. Yet he didn’t. Something else kept him from going back to Ohio. God had brought him back to Paradise, and He was telling Chris to stay.
“I think I’m ready,” he said, taking her hand from his arm and holding it in his. Her touch warmed his soul much like the sun warmed him through the leather of his jacket.
Her brows shot up. “Ready to do what?”
“Ask for forgiveness and rejoin the church.”
ELLIE PULLED HER HAND OUT OF HIS GRASP AND STEPPED away, almost losing her balance. She used her cane for support, not only because she had almost tripped, but to contain her surprise. “You’re ready to repent?”
“Ya.”
She heard him approach her again, and she moved away until she felt the fence against the small of her back.
“You’re right,” he said. “Mamm’s right. Even Sarah Lynne’s right, although she’ll never let me live it down.” His chuckle held more mirth than she’d heard from him since his arrival in Paradise. “Just talking about letting this geh is freeing.”
Ellie was speechless. It was what she and so many others were praying for. Yet it seemed so sudden. Yesterday he had still been filled with bitterness. Now he was ready to let go. Perhaps God had done the work in his heart that they had all longed for. And who was she to question God?
“Ellie?” His tone changed from happiness to trepidation. “Why aren’t you saying anything? I thought you’d be happy.”
“I am. It’s just so . . . sudden.”
“I don’t call five years sudden.”
“Nee, that’s not what I mean.” What did she mean? Doubt niggled at her head and heart. “I am glad, very glad that you’ve decided to ask for forgiveness.”
“But?”
“There are no buts.” She bit her tongue.
“Gut.” He stepped away from her. “Now that I’ve made the decision, I don’t know why I didn’t make it before. I think it was because I was trying to hold on to Caroline, like you said. Her memory slipped away from me, and at least by being angry I felt something, instead of being dead inside. But you’ve shown me that I can’t live my life like that anymore.”
“I have?”
“Ya. You’re the example of what I should have done all along. I should have left the past in the past. I shouldn’t have put my family through all this.”
He was saying all the right words, but she still wasn’t sure. “What about Isaiah? Have you stopped blaming him for Caroline’s death?” She held her breath while waiting to hear his answer.
“If that’s what I need to do to get back with the church, then I will.”
Her heart sank. It was what she feared. His forgiveness wasn’t coming from his heart. It was a means to an end.
“Ellie, what’s wrong?”
She felt him move closer. She was backed up against the fence and there was no place for her to go. Despite her disappointment that his repentance was less than genuine, she suddenly realized she didn’t mind being this close to him. An attraction stronger than anything she’d ever felt before bloomed inside her.
“Ellie, I want this. I don’t want to geh back to Apple Creek, to an empty apartment, to no familye, and to people I barely know being the only freinds I have. This is where I belong, I know that now.” His voice lowered. “You showed it to me. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for that.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Chris.” She willed her pulse to slow, but it wouldn’t. His rich voice, a tone she could listen to all day, flowed over her. He had on his leather jacket again, and his breath smelled sweet, as if he’d had flavored coffee for breakfast.
“Ellie, I . . .”
She heard him gulp, giving her the first indication that he might be nervous. But why? He cleared his throat but didn’t step away.
“I’m going to see Bishop Ebersol today and ask him to take me out of the bann. When is the next church service?”
“This Sunday.” Which was only two days away.
“Gut. I don’t want to wait longer than that. And, Ellie, once I’m back in the church, I don’t want us to stop seeing each other.”
Ellie’s belly swirled. “We won’t,” she said, fighting for an even tone. “We’re freinds, Christopher. We were before the accident, and we always will be.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
She drew in a sharp breath when she felt his palm cup her cheek, then release it quickly. The touch was light, nearly imperceptible, but enough to make her heart almost leap out of her chest. Sarah Lynne was right—Christopher did like her. Or at least he thought he did. One thing was for sure, he was a very mixed-up mann.
ELLIE HAD CHRIS DROP HER OFF AT THE PANTRY ON HIS WAY to visit Bishop Ebersol. She hadn’t answered him directly about what would happen between them after he was accepted back in the church, and he didn’t press.
“Say good-bye to the car,” he said as she was getting out. “I’m selling it after I see the bishop.”
She paused. “You’re serious about this.”
“I’m serious about everything I said, Ellie. It’s time for me to move on with my life. For the first time since Caroline died, I’m looking forward to it.”
Ellie recalled his last words as she slipped into a booth in the back of the restaurant. She had told her mother she would be gone to Paradise for most of the day and asked to be picked up this afternoon at Stitches and Things in downtown Paradise. At least she didn’t have to worry about dealing with her mamm for the rest of the day. She had enough things on her mind as it was.
“Hello, Ellie. How are you today?”
Ellie turned, recognizing the cheerful voice. Tillie always seemed to be in a good mood. “Hi, Tillie.” She was grateful her tone sounded friendly and even. “How are you?”
“Doing great. We’ve got some delicious specials today. I’ve already snuck a few bites.” She lowered her voice, giggling. “But don’t tell anyone.”
Ellie managed a smile. “I won’t.”
“Would you like a menu?”
“Nee. I’ll just have a cup of coffee.” She didn’t even want that, but she couldn’t sit in the booth taking up space without paying for something. “Is Sarah Lynne here?” She prayed she would be.
“Ya. She just came in an hour ago. I’ll send her over with the coffee.”
Ellie checked her watch as Tillie walked away, then she drummed her fingers against the hard plastic tabletop, her nerves strung taut.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” Sarah Lynne set the coffee cup on the table and slid into the seat in front of her. “We’re in between breakfast and lunch rush, so I have some time to talk. How did your ride home with Chris geh yesterday?”
“Gut. We talked—”
“Did you tell him about Caroline? Did you convince him to stay? Did he say anything about coming back to the community?”
Ellie held up her hand. “Ya. Sorta. Ya.”
“Wait a minute. So he’s staying?”
“I don’t know—”
“And he’s going to forgive Isaiah?” Sarah Lynne grabbed her hand. “Ellie, you’re amazing. Well, I’ve always thought you were amazing, but now you’re double amazing. How did you do it?”
Ellie swallowed. This conversation wasn’t going the way she planned—much like her last conversation with Chris. Events were spinning out of control, and she couldn’t reel them back in.
“Sarah Lynne, I think your bruder is really confused right now. He says he wants to come back to the church. In fact, he went to see Bishop Ebersol after he dropped me off.”
“He did? That’s great. How is that confused? Sounds like he’s finally making sense.”
“He’s doing the right thing, but I’m not sure it’s for the right reason. I asked him if he forgave Isaiah. He said if that’s what it took to get back to the church, then he would. Then he said something else.”
“What?” Sarah Lynne gripped Ellie’s hand tighter.
“I think he wants to court me after he’s been accepted into the church.”
“I knew it!” Sarah Lynne released Ellie’s hand. “I told you he likes you. I love it when I’m right.”
Ellie shook her head. Sarah Lynne was missing the point. “That’s what I mean by him being confused. For one thing, he can’t possibly like me.”
“Why not?”
“You know why. Everyone knows why.” Surely she didn’t have to say it out loud.
“Because you’re blind? Ellie, obviously that doesn’t matter to him.”
“It mattered to John.”
“Because John was an idiot. I’m sorry, but he was. And Chris isn’t like that. He’s stubborn, but he isn’t shallow.”
Ellie shook her head. “It’s not just that. His repentance doesn’t come from the heart, Sarah Lynne.”
“Did he say that to you?”
“Nee, but—”
“When Chris first came here and I asked him to forgive Isaiah, he said he could never get up in front of the church and say something that wasn’t true. He wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t really feel it deep in his heart.” Ellie heard Sarah Lynne slide out of the seat. “I’ve got to run, but this is the best news! I can’t wait to tell Isaiah. We’ll all finally be happy.”
As Sarah Lynne walked away, Ellie wondered if it would ever be possible. Especially when everyone learned the truth.