ELLIE COULDN’T STOP SHAKING. EVERY BONE IN HER BODY quaked. She pulled her light jacket closer to her body. She’d said the words aloud, the secret she had kept inside for five long years.
“What are you talking about?”
An edge had crept into his voice, which she had expected. Once he knew the full truth, he wouldn’t want to see her again. She heard him get up and start to pace the front porch. Then he suddenly stopped.
“What happened? And start from the beginning.”
“Caroline spent the night at my house the night before the accident. We both had to work the afternoon shift at the Pantry, and I was going to call a taxi when Isaiah showed up. He had borrowed one of his Englisch friends’ fancy cars.” She sighed. “I lost patience with him right away. We were trying to arrange a ride to work, and he kept bugging us to geh for a ride with him. Finally Caroline pointed out that we could make Isaiah happy and get to work on time if we would ride with him. ‘It’ll be fun, Ellie,’ she said. With both of them trying to convince me, I gave in. She got in the back, and I got in the front.
“As he drove us, Isaiah told us it was the first time he’d ever driven a car. I panicked and held my breath. Neither he nor Caroline noticed how nervous I was; Caroline was enjoying the ride, telling him to go faster. The car had one of those sunroof things, and he opened it up and put one hand through it, leaving only one hand on the wheel. When we got to the intersection right before Paradise I saw a car coming at us. I grabbed his arm and squeezed, screaming for him to look out.” She tilted her head downward. “He already had one hand off the wheel. When I grabbed him, he let go and lost control of the car. That’s when he spun out of control and rammed into a tree. Caroline was thrown out and . . . you know the rest.”
Chris didn’t say anything for a long time. She hadn’t expected him to. She thought by telling him about the accident, a burden would have lifted, but it didn’t. Instead she felt worse. She had never admitted any of this to anyone else. Saying the words out loud made her feel ashamed.
“Why didn’t Isaiah say anything?” he finally asked.
“That was the way he wanted it. He came to see me in the hospital the day after the accident.” She could still remember the sound of his crutches hitting the floor. He had broken his left leg and had just been released by the doctors. “They had given me some kind of drug for the pain, and I wasn’t sure exactly what he was telling me, but it was something about not mentioning my part in the accident. At the time I didn’t care—all I thought about was Caroline and my injuries. Later on I heard he had taken complete blame for the accident. I tried to talk to him about it after I came home from the hospital, but he wouldn’t listen. He said no matter what, the accident was his fault. He was the one driving. He also said I had suffered enough.”
She paused, waiting for him to speak. His silence drove her to distraction. She wished she could see his face, because then she could gauge his reaction. Now she could do nothing except sit there, waiting for him to tell her what she already knew. She was a coward and a liar.
But he didn’t say either of those things. “Is that all?”
She angled her head toward his voice, which sounded like it was coming from the far end of the porch. She nodded, shame robbing her of her voice.
“Why are you telling me this now?” He approached her, his footsteps harsh against the wooden porch floor. “Why tell me at all?”
“I should have told you a long time ago. I should have admitted it to everyone, instead of letting Isaiah shoulder the blame on his own. I even talked to him about it today, but he still insisted on keeping the secret.”
“Does Sarah Lynne know?”
“Nee. Only Isaiah and me. And now you.” She took a deep breath. “You should have been angry at me as well all these years, Chris. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry I was too weak to speak the truth. It was easier to let Isaiah carry it all. But if you’re going to forgive him . . . you’ll have to forgive me too.”
In the distance she heard the clip-clop of the horse’s hooves. She also heard Chris walking away, stepping down from the porch. She wanted to call out to him, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t blame him if he never talked to her again. The sound of a buggy and horse traveling over gravel reached her ears, and she knew Sarah Lynne or her parents were home. Standing up, she reached for her cane and made her way down the porch steps. The buggy pulled to a stop, and she heard someone get out.
“Chris!” Sarah Lynne said, her tone exuberant.
SARAH LYNNE RUSHED OVER TO HER BROTHER. IT HAD TO BE a good sign that he was at the house, knowing their father usually came home at this time. But instead of looking happy, he seemed miserable. Then she spied Ellie standing a couple feet away, her shoulders drooping and her head dipped.
Her mother came up behind her. “Chris?” she asked, moving toward him. “Christopher, is something wrong?”
He glanced at Ellie, his dark eyes narrowing, then shifted his gaze to his family.
“I came to see if I can stay here tonight. I checked out of the bed-and-breakfast earlier today.”
Sarah Lynne heard her mother suck in a breath. “Just for tonight?”
He looked at Ellie again. “Maybe.”
Their father nodded, and Sarah Lynne’s heart swelled. “Does this mean you’re coming back for gut?”
He didn’t answer right away, just glanced at the ground, his hands going deeper into his pockets.
Ellie spoke. “Sarah Lynne, could you give me a ride home?”
Sarah Lynne was about to suggest that Chris do it, but then he looked at her and shook his head.
“Ya. I can take you home.”
“Danki.”
Chris turned around and walked into the house, not saying good-bye to Ellie. Bewildered, Sarah Lynne looked to her mother, who shrugged and followed Chris inside. Her father went behind the house, presumably to check on the cows. The tension in the air was almost suffocating. She went to Ellie and put her hand on her shoulder. “Ready to geh?”
Ellie nodded, straightening her shoulders and her posture. “Where’s the buggy?”
Sarah Lynne told her, and she walked to the driveway and climbed inside. Sarah Lynne joined her, and soon they were on the way to Ellie’s house. She was determined to find out what was going on with her friend and her brother.
ELLIE WAS MISERABLE. SHE KNEW CHRIS WASN’T GOING TO give her a ride home once he heard her news. She doubted he’d ever want to see her again. The thought filled her with sadness.
“Ellie, what happened with you and Chris?” Sarah Lynne asked, sounding as perplexed as Ellie felt. “I thought everything was settled already. Now it looks like he’s not sure he’s going to stay.”
Ellie wasn’t sure how to answer. Maybe she should just tell her the truth, as she had told Chris. But she saw what Chris’s reaction was. Who knew how Sarah Lynne would react, knowing her fiancé had been less than truthful to everyone? She brought her fingertip to her temple. How did this all get so complicated?
“Are you all right?” Sarah Lynne asked. “You’ve gone pale, Ellie. Is it your ankle?”
“Nee.” She tried to keep her voice steady, but she failed. “I’m . . . fine.”
“You don’t look or sound fine.” The buggy slowed. “Ellie, you have to tell me what happened. Did Chris do something?”
She let out a bitter chuckle. “He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s done everything right.” If only she could say the same thing for herself.
“Then why are you both upset? Chris looked like someone kicked him, and you’re on the verge of tears.” Sarah Lynne took her hand. “I care about you both so much. I can’t stand to see you unhappy like this.”
“I’ll be okay, and so will Chris.” She remembered telling Chris how God worked out everything for good. She held on to those words, now more than ever before.
CHRIS STUMBLED INTO THE DARK BEDROOM, NOT BOTHERING to turn on the small lamp on the nightstand. Instead he walked into the hallway and made his way to the kitchen, turning on the gas lamp in there. He glanced at the battery-operated clock on the wall. Two thirty in the morning. He had hoped it would be at least closer to dawn. He hadn’t slept a minute the entire night. How could he, when all he could think about was Ellie?
He sat down at the kitchen table, slumping in the chair. Stark silence enveloped him. It had been so long since he’d spent the night in an Amish home, and the quiet unnerved him. But he’d get used to it again.
Hard to believe more than a few hours ago everything had been so simple, and coming back to the church had seemed so clear, so God-ordained, that he had felt better about himself than he had in years. But Ellie’s news had been like a punch in the mouth. The accident had been her fault as much as Isaiah’s? Her fault that Caroline was dead? And the man he had resented for the past five years, whom he had tried to put in jail, had been protecting Ellie all this time. How was he supposed to make sense of that?
Isaiah had been behind the wheel . . . but if Ellie hadn’t panicked and distracted him, the wreck might not have happened at all. And she had lived with this secret for five years. Even when he returned, she had said nothing to him about it. What had made her change her mind? A part of him wished she had stayed quiet. It was easier to resent Isaiah than her.
And what of his feelings for her? He cared about her, had wanted to court her after he set things right with God and the church. Had those feelings changed? He couldn’t tell, not when they were competing with the confusion in his heart and soul.
“Christopher?”
He looked over his shoulder to see his father walking into the room, wearing his broadfall pants and a white T-shirt. Chris looked down at his own T-shirt and boxer shorts. He’d been so preoccupied that he hadn’t thought not to wear shorts in the house. That would have to change too.
“Everything okay?” His father sat down next to him.
It was the most his daed had said to him since he’d come back to Paradise. Even during supper he had been quiet, excusing himself right after he finished eating to go outside and check on the animals. Chris had thought to go with him, but he didn’t want to push it. He was lucky his father was allowing him to stay here, because technically he was still in the bann.
But his father had come to him on his own volition, concern shining in his dark brown eyes. Chris looked at him for a moment. Like his mother, his father had more gray in his hair and beard, more creases at the corners of his eyes and mouth. But the man was still built like a small bull, his thick chest and muscular arms a testament to his profession as a blacksmith and farrier. His hair was mussed from sleep, and his eyes looked tired.
“Sorry I woke you up,” Chris said.
“It’s all right. I saw the light come on from the bedroom and thought you might be up. How about some coffee?”
Chris nodded, marveling at how his father’s demeanor had changed in such a short time. It was as if the past five years had never happened. He rose from the chair. “I’ll make it.”
His father gestured for him to sit down. “I got it. Still like it strong enough to paint the side of the barn?”
With a chuckle Chris said, “Ya. I do.”
His father filled the percolator with water from the sink, put a couple of scoops of coffee in the basket, then set it on the gas stove, putting the lid on top of the pot. He turned the stove on, and the hiss of gas filled the room. Then he came back and sat down.
“Your mamm says you’re coming back to the church.”
Chris frowned. He hadn’t said anything for sure about it to anyone other than Ellie and Bishop Ebersol. “What makes her say that?”
He shrugged. “She said she just knew. Knew the day you showed up here that God had brought you home. You’ve been fighting Him the whole time, apparently.”
“Ya. Been doing a lot of that lately.”
“So is she right? Are you rejoining the church?”
Chris ran his thumb along the edge of the oak table. “It looks that way.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound exactly definite.” His daed scooted his chair back and rose. As he got two mugs down from the cupboard, the percolator started bubbling. He poured them each a cup and carried them to the table.
Wrapping his hands around the warm mug, Chris sighed. “I’m pretty confused right now.”
“I can tell. That’s what happens when you’ve been away from the Lord. The devil takes hold and mixes everything up.” Daed took a sip of his coffee and made a face. “Ya. You should like this.”
But Chris pushed the mug away. “But that’s just it, Daed. I haven’t been straying from the Lord. Even when I was in Apple Creek I went to church. I prayed. Read my Bible. And when I came back here, I knew it was God’s leading, so Mamm was right about that. Then I found out about Sarah Lynne and Isaiah—”
“And there went your best-laid plans.”
“Ya. Still, I had come to a place where I could finally let the past lie.” Thanks to Ellie. “And I was ready to come back. I even talked to Bishop Ebersol and stopped by the used-car dealership in Paradise to talk to them about selling my car.”
“That’s gut to hear, Chris. Sounds like you are where God wants you to be. So what’s the problem?”
“I found out something today. Something I didn’t know.” He toyed with the idea of confiding in his father, but he couldn’t bring himself to spill Ellie’s secret.
“And it’s affecting your decision to come back to the community?”
“Nee, not that.” He looked at his father.
“Does this have something to do with Ellie Chupp? I saw her here earlier.”
“You could say that.”
“You have feelings for her, don’t you?”
Was he that transparent? “Ya. I do. After Caroline died, I never even looked at another woman. I wasn’t interested in dating. Then I spend a couple days with Ellie and everything’s changed.”
“That’s the way it was for me and your mother. We grew up together, but one day when I was seventeen I saw her at a singing, and it was like I’d seen her for the first time. I was gone after that.
But she wasn’t as easy to convince.”
“Ellie isn’t either. And then she told me something today . . .” He looked at his daed. “I can’t betray her confidence.”
“I wouldn’t want you to.” He took another drink of coffee and set down the mug. “But let me tell you this—you can’t come back to the church because of Ellie or anyone else. There has to be a change in your heart and a willingness to forget the past, as God calls us to do.”
Now he sounded like Bishop Ebersol.
“Believe me, I know.”
His father stood up and yawned. “Can’t believe I’m still sleepy after drinking that stuff, but I’m heading back to bed. Pray about your confusion, Chris. And know that God is not the author of it.
Follow His leading. Not anyone else’s.”
“Danki, Daed.”
After his father left for bed, Chris thought about his advice. He had been praying all along, but had he been praying for the right thing? He’d asked God to help him forgive, but not to change his heart. Would that be the answer? He didn’t know, but there was one way to find out. He got out of his chair and knelt on the hardwood floor, praying harder than he’d ever prayed before.