SIX

The Adventures of Pedro de Ordimalas

There is a village in New Mexico which is very well known for its picaros, rascals who love to play tricks on people. I will not name the town, but its reputation is well known. Perhaps you have heard of the place.

In this village lived a widow and her two sons, Juan and Pedro. They were called Manito Juan and Manito Pedro by the paisanos. Juan was a well-behaved boy who tried to help his mother by taking care of goats, but Pedro was a rascal. People said Pedro was slow-witted, but he was really a trickster at heart. Getting the best of people was his greatest talent.

One day as Juan was going off to tend the goats, he instructed Pedro to be sure to feed their invalid mother. Pedro cooked shaquegue, a thin gruel made from toasted wheat flour. The family was so poor this is all they had to eat.

When the gruel was ready Pedro forced it down his mother’s throat so fast that she choked and died.

—Que carajo! he exclaimed. I’ve killed my mother. But I won’t take the blame.

He washed her face, combed her hair, and dressed her in her Sunday clothes. Then he sat her on a chair and placed her in front of the door. When Juan came home and pushed the door open, it toppled the chair and the old lady fell to the floor.

—Look what you’ve done! cried Pedro. You’ve killed our mother!

—Oh, dear mother, what am I going to do without you, Juan began to cry. What shall we do?

—Bury her, replied Pedro.

—But we have no money to pay for a funeral.

—I will give her a grand funeral, said Pedro.

—But how? asked his brother.

Pedro took the body outside and tied it on top of the burro. Then he led the animal to the priest’s wheat field and let it loose. When the workers saw the burro eating the wheat they threw stones at it. The burro bolted and the body fell off.

Pedro went to complain to the priest.

—Look what your workers have done. They killed my mother.

—Dear Lord! cried the worried priest. If you forgive me I’ll give her a grand mass, a big funeral, and I’ll give you a hundred gold pieces.

Pedro was satisfied. They buried his mother and he left home to see the world. When he came to a huge tree he scattered a few coins around the tree. Then he sat to wait.

Two merchants came by and saw Pedro gathering the coins.

—What is this? one asked.

—A money tree, replied Pedro. Coins fall from it all day long. But I will sell it for fifty pesos.

The merchants paid Pedro and sat down to wait for coins to fall. Pedro pocketed the fifty gold coins and went off whistling.

When the merchants saw they had been tricked they sent their workers to catch Pedro and drown him. The workers caught Pedro, tied him in a sack, and went off to find a deep spot in the river. While they were gone a shepherd came by and saw that there was a body in the sack.

—Why are you in the sack? he asked Pedro.

—My family wants to marry me to a beautiful princess, but I refuse, explained Pedro. But if you want to marry her, get me out of the sack and climb in.

—Gladly, said the shepherd. He freed Pedro and got into the sack. When the workers returned they threw the shepherd in the river and drowned him.

For a time Pedro worked for a rich man who instructed him to clean the wheat field. Pedro burned it to the ground, the wind blew away the ashes, and the field was clean.

The man was so angry he told Pedro not to do any more farm-work. Instead, Pedro was assigned to take care of the man’s son.

When the boy misbehaved, Pedro beat him with a stick. The boy quickly learned manners, but the boy’s mother begged the father to get rid of Pedro.

Then Pedro returned home and married Repunosa. They had children, but Pedro wouldn’t settle down. He spent his time at the gambling house in the village, playing cards.

One day Jesus and St. Peter came by the gaming place to see who would offer charity. The gamblers gave nothing. In fact, they ran Jesus and St. Peter out of the house.

Pedro was broke, but he borrowed fifty cents from his gambling friends. Then he ran after Jesus and St. Peter and gave them the coins.

—You are the only man to give us charity, said Jesus. For that I will reward you. Ask for a gift and it shall be yours.

—I only want my fifty cents back, replied Pedro.

—That is not enough, insisted Jesus, ask for more.

—I would like to be able to go to a place and if I don’t want to leave, not even God can make me leave.

Jesus found this a strange request, but he granted it.

—Ask for more, he said.

—I want a deck of cards so I can win every time I play.

—Granted. Ask for more.

—I want a little drum. Whoever plays it cannot get away from it until I release them.

—Very well, said Jesus. Ask for more.

—My brother, my wife and children suffer very much. Take them to heaven.

—But they have to die before I can take them to heaven, said Jesus.

—That’s all right, Pedro said.

—I will do as you say. What else do you want?

—When it is my turn to die, take me as I am to heaven.

Jesus shook his head. Pedro had finally asked for too much. But he had to keep his promise.

—Very well, your wishes are granted.

Jesus and St. Peter went on down the road to Santa Fé, and Pedro returned to the gambling house.

He played with his new deck and won every time. He became addicted to the game and didn’t even go home to eat.

When the neighbors came to tell him his family was dead, Pedro returned and buried them. Now he had all the money he wanted and no one to share it with. For a while he was very happy.

One night he was sleeping in front of his fireplace when he heard a knock at the door. When Pedro opened the door he saw la Muerte, death.

—Who are you? asked a frightened Pedro.

—I am Death Who Rides a Skeleton Horse. Señor Jesucristo has sent me for you.

—Very well, agreed Pedro. But first grant me a small request. Sit at the drum and beat it. My neighbors will hear it and come. I will give my fortune away to the poor people before I die.

Death sat at the drum and beat it. When she began to beat it she discovered she couldn’t leave the drum.

Pedro went to sleep, got up the next morning, ate, and left for the gambling house, leaving Death a prisoner at the drum.

Eight days later Pedro returned. A very hungry and frustrated Death still sat at the drum.

—Pedro, you must free me! Señor Jesucristo is waiting for me!

—I’ll let you go if you add twenty years to my life.

—Very well, agreed Death, and Pedro let her go. She mounted her skeleton horse and went to report what had happened.

Jesus got angry. He sent Death Who Carries an Ax to take care of Pedro. He was eating breakfast when Death knocked on the door.

—Have you come for me, my comadre?

—Yes. Jesucristo sent me for you.

—I’m ready, said Pedro. But first let me call the poor people so I can give them my money. Señor Jesucristo has given me a lot, and I wish to share it. Please sit and play the drum so they will come.

Death sat to play the drum and could not move. Pedro went off to gamble, returning eight days later.

—Turn me loose! Death cried angrily.

—I will if you take away the years the first death gave me and add a new lifetime.

—Very well, Death agreed, and left in a haste to report to Jesus.

Jesus grew very irritated. Pedro’s time on earth had ended, but he wasn’t cooperating. He decided to send his most powerful Death, doña Sebastiana, the Skeleton Death That Rides on a Cart. Pedro could not escape her deadly arrows.

Pedro was making shaquegue for breakfast when doña Sebastiana arrived in her creaking cart.

—Buenos días, comadre, Pedro greeted death.

—Buenos días, Pedro. El Señor Jesucristo has sent me for you. He has a job for you.

—And what is that?

—He wants you to go to Limbo to take care of the little angels.

Pedro knew that babies who died before they were baptized went to Limbo. Well, he wasn’t about to go take care of babies.

—I will, he said. But first will you play my drum?

It was too late. Doña Sebastiana had strung an arrow into her bow. The instant the arrow pierced Pedro he closed his eyes. When he opened them he found himself in Limbo, surrounded by the souls of beautiful babies.

—So, you weren’t baptized, said Pedro. I can fix that.

He dipped the babies in a fountain of water, but he held them there so long he almost drowned them.

Soon the babies went to complain to Jesus that Pedro was drowning them.

—Please get rid of him, they begged.

Jesus called Pedro.

—Ay, Pedro, even the innocent babes of Limbo can’t stand you.

—I was only baptizing them, Pedro explained.

—I am going to send you to Purgatory.

So Pedro went to Purgatory, where souls had to spend some time doing penance before they were admitted into heaven.

—I can help you do your penance faster, Pedro said to the poor souls.

He made a whip and began to whip every soul in sight. One soul escaped and went to complain to St. Peter.

—Please tell Jesus that Pedro is tormenting us.

St. Peter took the complaint to Jesus. By this time Jesus was very frustrated with Pedro.

—Send him to hell, He said. Maybe the devils can put up with him.

So they sent Pedro to hell, where the devils were getting ready to have a feast. They needed plenty of fuel for the fires, so they sent Pedro to bring firewood. With each load of wood Pedro also collected trementina, pine sap.

Pedro had to set the tables and chairs for the feast, and he put the pine sap on each chair. When the devils were through eating they told Pedro to clear the table.

—I can’t clear the table until we sing “Bendito.” It is our custom to thank the Lord for our food.

—No, don’t sing it! the Chief Devil shouted. In hell they couldn’t stand to hear the name of the Lord. But Pedro sang anyway.

—Bendito, bendito, bendito sea Dios! Bendito y alabado y ave María Purísima! he cried for all to hear.

The devils were outraged. Their ears hurt to hear the holy names. They jumped up, but the chairs stuck to them. In the uproar they bumped into each other. Pedro had locked the doors to hell, so they couldn’t escape.

He shouted louder.

—Ave María Purísima!

One of the devils finally jumped out a window and went to tell St. Peter they couldn’t stand Pedro in hell. St. Peter took the complaint to Jesus.

—Bring him to me, said Jesus. When Pedro stood before him Jesus said, What am I going to do with you?

—Let me go to heaven, replied Pedro.

Jesus shook his head. He knew Pedro would drive the angels crazy.

—I can’t let you in heaven, but you can go to a meadow nearby and take care of a flock that belongs to St. Peter.

So Pedro went to take care of the sheep. In the distance he spied a beautiful city surrounded by a great wall which he tried to scale but couldn’t. Finally he found a huge gate that led into the city, but St. Peter was guarding it.

—What place is this? asked Pedro.

—This is heaven.

—Let me in.

—I cannot, replied St. Peter.

—At least let me peek in to see what it looks like.

St. Peter thought that couldn’t hurt anything, so he opened the door so Pedro could see heaven. St. Peter didn’t know his namesake very well. The minute he opened the door Pedro slipped in.

—Get out! St. Peter ordered him.

—I won’t, replied Pedro. I like it here.

A worried St. Peter went to tell Jesus what had happened.

—Pedro! Jesus shouted, clearly frustrated by the rascal. Get out. You don’t belong here.

—Señor, I won’t get out. Don’t you remember you promised that if I went to a place and didn’t want to leave, not even God could make me?

—Yes, I remember my promise. But I didn’t say in what form you could remain. I am going to make you a rock.

—Very well, Pedro agreed. But please make me a rock with eyes so I can see the angels everyday.

So the Lord made Pedro a rock so he couldn’t get into trouble. But he gave him eyes so he could enjoy the beauty of heaven. And there he sits today, a rascal who through his craftiness connived his way into heaven.