Jake scanned the faces on the deck of the Islander ferry, hoping to spot his grandpa before he walked down the gangplank. It had berthed at the quay in St Mary’s a few minutes before and the staff had swung into action, tying her up and bringing forklifts ready to unload the freight and luggage she brought along with her passengers.
Excited visitors chattered on the deck, pointing and taking pictures as they got their first close-up glimpse of St Mary’s – but there was no sign of Archie. It was just gone noon, and soon the visitors would pour off the boat and into the little Scilly capital or onto the smaller vessels waiting to take them to the ‘off-islands’.
After his mum had called, Jake had tried to reach Fen via her sister’s landline, only for it to go straight to answerphone. In the end, he’d found Lisa from the Harbour Kiosk who told him that Fen had taken the helicopter the previous morning to attend a funeral on the mainland. Jake’s jaw had dropped. Fen hated the helicopter after one bad experience years before so he was astonished she’d set foot on one now. Lisa had no idea who the friend was but said Fen had been very upset and had left Leo in her care until she returned.
Jake’s mind was whirling: with Poppy probably back with Dan, Fen grieving and out of contact and his grandpa about to arrive, he’d landed in the midst of total chaos. However, he had to pull himself together, as meeting Archie was his immediate priority.
He’d booked a place on a private jetboat to St Piran’s, figuring it would be easier to have a ‘taxi’ than have to crowd onto one of the public services. When he couldn’t spot the old man from the quayside, he guessed he was already on a lower deck waiting to disembark. He still used a walking stick, so it was likely the crew would give him some assistance to get down from the deck and off the ship. They probably all knew his grandpa anyway. Archie had always loved the Islander ferry, preferring the leisurely three-hour cruise to the short flight.
Jake hurried over to the gangway and, a minute later, Archie appeared. One of the crew was carrying his bags.
He was waving away any attempts for assistance. ‘I’m fine. Don’t fuss. Thanks for carrying my bags, but I don’t need any more help,’ he told the crew member holding his elbow.
Jake jogged over. ‘Welcome home, Grandpa!’ he said, hugging him warmly.
Archie squeezed Jake’s back. ‘It’s good to be here.’
‘Thanks,’ Jake said to the crew member who held the ancient holdall and battered suitcase. ‘I’m sure Grandpa appreciates the help, even if it doesn’t act like it,’ he added quietly.
‘A pleasure. See you around, Archie,’ said the crewman with a grin and left the bags next to them before disappearing back into the ship.
Archie peered at Jake. ‘You look thin, boy. What have you been eating in that jungle? Spiders?’
‘They’re very nutritious,’ said Jake, thinking that his grandpa had lost a bit of weight too but looked miles better than when he’d seen him at his parents’ house a few months previously.
Jake slowed his pace while they made their way towards their water taxi, but his grandpa was doing remarkably well.
‘I’ve arranged transport over to St Piran’s,’ said Jake, ‘Look, the jetboat’s already here and waiting. Shall I give you a hand down the steps to it?’
‘The jetboat, eh?’ Archie’s eye twinkled. ‘I’m highly honoured. I can manage the steps if you’ll carry my bags.’
‘Of course, Grandpa. Did you know that Fen’s gone to the mainland? Has she spoken to you about it?’
Archie frowned. ‘No. Not a word.’
‘Lisa says she took the helicopter.’
‘That thing? Why?’
‘She rushed off to a funeral, apparently. Lisa said it was a family friend.’
‘A friend? Oh.’ Archie sighed. ‘Oh dear. Poor bird. My poor Fen.’
‘What do you mean? Do you know whose funeral it was?’
‘Not for definite, but I can guess if Fen took the helicopter. Poor poor girl.’
‘Who is it?’
Archie shook his head. He seemed downcast.
‘Grandpa. What are you not telling me?’
He patted Jake’s hand. ‘Nothing, boy. I only feel deeply sorry for Fen, losing her friend. I’ll call her when I get into the cottage. Now, let’s get home.’
Jake decided not to push the topic: his grandpa would tell him more in his own good time and it was obvious Archie was desperate to be back in his own space.
Despite his insistence that he was OK to climb down the steep stone steps, the jetboat skipper kept a close eye on him – much to Archie’s disapproval – and helped him on board, citing ‘health and safety’. Jake kept a watch at the rear, trying not to fuss but wary of his grandpa’s still-fragile condition. His doctors had said he was healing well, but Jake wasn’t prepared to take any risks.
On the short voyage to St Piran’s, Archie didn’t miss a thing, commenting on the restored tripper boat in the harbour, how high the tide was, and noticing that the jetboat had a new skipper at the helm. He drank in every feature, the rocky skerries, the sandbanks glistening with weed, the seals basking in the sun and the seabirds wheeling overhead. Every now and then, he made a remark, but as they neared the St Piran’s jetty, Jake noticed him fall silent.
On the quayside, a small throng of people was waiting.
‘What’s this?’ Archie said, pointing to the little crowd who were waving at him. Jake broke into a grin as he spotted Lisa and Ben, plus the landlady from the Moor’s Head and Maisie – and wow, with a baby buggy. Jess Godrevy was also there, holding a large bunch of flowers from her farm.
‘Welcome home, Archie!’ they chorused as the skipper cut the engine.
He shook his head. ‘I said I didn’t want a fuss,’ he muttered, glaring at Jake.
He held up his hands. ‘I might have mentioned you were coming back to a few people, but the welcome party is nothing to do with me. They’ve turned up of their own accord.’
Archie grunted and the crewman opened the gangway door so they could disembark. He agreed to be helped off the boat as the jetty steps were steep and slippery with seaweed.
‘Welcome back!’ everyone chanted again once he was safely on the stone quay.
‘You soft devils,’ he said, then saw the baby buggy and his face lit up. ‘Is that the little one? Fen told me she’d been born.’
Maisie pushed the buggy forward and lifted a tiny baby out of it, which promptly let out a piercing wail. ‘Meet Eloise Jonquil Samson. The newest and –’ Maisie winced ‘– loudest inhabitant of Gull Island.’
‘She’s very bonny. Like her mother,’ said Archie, as the baby grasped his thumb. Jake was sure there was a glint in his grandpa’s eye. ‘I’ve missed a lot,’ he said.
‘You can catch up now. Hope we’ll be seeing you in the Driftwood soon?’
‘And the Moor’s Head,’ said the landlady. ‘We’ve a pint of Challenger waiting for you when you’re ready.’
‘Thanks,’ said Archie, smacking his lips at the mention of his favourite local ale. ‘You won’t keep me away from the Driftwood or the Moor’s Head. The beer in those mainland pubs is like gnats’ piss. I’m dying for a proper drink.’
Everyone laughed, including Jake. His grandpa sounded far more like his old self than he had for months.
Jess held out the bouquet. ‘Great to have you home.’
He kissed her cheek. ‘You shouldn’t have, but thank you.’
‘Shall I drop it at the cottage for you?’ she said, nodding at Archie’s stick. She’d obviously realised he didn’t have a free hand to carry the large bunch of pinks.
‘That’d be grand,’ said Archie, then shook his head. ‘I hear you’re back with Adam Pengelly. I don’t know why you two ever split up. I could have knocked your heads together.’
Jake cringed, but Jess clearly took the advice on her love life in good spirit and laughed. ‘Actually, we’re engaged,’ she said, holding out her left hand.
Archie looked at the ring and blew out a breath. ‘Postmen must be paid well these days. Congratulations. Adam’s a lucky man.’
Lisa from the Harbour Kiosk stepped forward and gave Archie a brief hug. ‘There’s a cream tea waiting in your cottage. Sorry, I have to get back to work now, but we’re here any time you need anything.’
‘I don’t deserve all this fuss,’ said Archie. ‘But I’ve also missed a proper cream tea, so that’ll be grand.’
‘Thanks, everyone,’ said Jake. ‘Maybe we can get together for a drink when Grandpa’s settled in?’
‘Definitely,’ said Maisie. ‘There’s the christening to look forward to and I’m sure we’ll see you all at the Driftwood to wet the baby’s head.’
‘Try keeping me away,’ said Archie. ‘See you all later and thank you for the welcome party. Now bugger off back to work.’
Laughter echoed off the stone as people dispersed to go about their business. Maisie and Jess pushed the baby in the direction of the beach, while the landlady walked back towards the pub at the other end of the island. Lisa was already at the kiosk, putting on her apron ready to serve ice creams to the visitors lounging at the outside tables.
‘How’s business been at the studio?’ Archie asked Jake as they made their way steadily to the cottage. They were almost level with the studio.
‘OK, I think. I haven’t had chance to ask since I’ve been back.’
‘Your mother said you didn’t get in touch with her for a week. She was beside herself.’
Jake winced at his grandpa’s admonishment, because it was well deserved. ‘I was totally out of contact in a tribal village in the middle of the jungle. The satellite phone stopped working, the radio packed it in and there was no internet.’
‘Sounds like the old days on St Piran’s,’ Archie said tartly. He slowed down and then stopped in front of the studio. ‘My … the studio looks smart.’
Jake smiled to himself. He’d been a little nervous of his grandpa’s reaction to the revamped building. ‘You approve?’
Archie stepped forward. ‘If it looks as good on the inside as the out, I do. Is that a new roof on the veranda? And it’s been repainted.’
‘The Gull Island Trust came to help with the roof repairs and exterior paintwork and I helped Poppy with the interior painting. There’s more work been done inside … a lot more …’
Archie tutted. ‘I shouldn’t have let it go downhill. If my bloody hip hadn’t let me down, I’d have helped you do the place up myself. What a silly old fool, I am, slipping over like that. It half killed me to have to leave all the work to you, Jake. I know you hate coming back here.’
‘I didn’t mind the work. I was at a loose end after my last job in the spring, so I needed something to keep me occupied. I’d been travelling a long time and I don’t hate St Piran’s. Not now.’
Archie gave him a searching look. ‘Don’t hate it. My, that’s progress. What’s changed your mind, boy?’
‘I don’t know. Time and …’ Jake shrugged. ‘I just had to get on with things. Shall we go to the cottage and get settled in?’ He clammed up and changed the subject. His falling back in love with St Piran’s was rapidly turning into a falling back out now Poppy had left.
‘I’d like to see around the studio. I was planning to get back in there and start painting again,’ said Archie. ‘Why is it closed? Where is the new woman – Poppy? I’d have thought she’d have been keen to show the place off.’
It was the question Jake had been dreading and he was only surprised his grandpa had waited until now.
‘She’s not here.’
Archie raised a bushy white eyebrow. ‘Where’s she got to?’
‘I don’t know exactly …’
Archie peered at him.
‘I think she’s gone home,’ said Jake.
‘Why? Does Fen know what’s going on?’
‘She probably does but I haven’t had chance to speak to her.’ Jake cursed himself for being a coward.
‘I’ll call her as soon as I’m settled in and I’ll ask her what’s happening.’ He gave Jake the gimlet eye. ‘Don’t you have young Poppy’s phone number yourself? Or her internet? You seem to be on your phones and computers all the time, so can’t you contact her?’
Jake squirmed under the interrogation. ‘Yes, I do have her number but I only found out today she’d gone and then Mum phoned and said you’d be here. And it’s not that simple. I don’t want to interfere, Grandpa.’
‘I thought you and she were friendly. Fen said as much and you never stopped mentioning her name on the phone.’
Jake smiled to himself. He might have guessed that he couldn’t pull the wool over his grandpa’s eyes.
‘Well, I don’t know where she is and I haven’t asked her and I don’t want to, so can we leave it at that? Please? I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough. Let’s get your stuff into the cottage.’
Archie shook his head. ‘I really do despair of you youngsters sometimes. Whatever happened to seizing the day and just getting on with things?’ He sighed. ‘Come on, let me get home …’ His face suddenly changed to dismay. ‘More importantly, if you’ve all been off flying your kites, who’s been looking after Leo?’
Jake reassured Archie that Lisa from the kiosk had been looking after him. Lisa had also mentioned that Poppy had gone to the mainland to attend a funeral with her ex when he’d bumped into her on his way to meet his grandfather on St Mary’s. It seemed increasingly likely that Poppy might have decided to give up on the Starfish, but until Jake could ask Fen if she’d heard anything – or swallowed his pride and spoke to Poppy directly – he was going to be left in self-inflicted agony.
How arrogant and bloody stupid it seemed now, to simply think he could turn up on her doorstep and declare undying love without even telling her he was coming or giving a hint of his feelings in his messages to her.
OK, he’d only summoned up the courage to admit them to himself a week ago, and as for deciding to tell Poppy – that had only happened on the flight to the UK. He’d booked an onward flight from Newquay to Scilly while he was in the departure lounge at Heathrow. Everything seemed to be dovetailing – coming together in a perfect way – but not once had he considered Poppy not being there when he came home.
Jake settled Archie in and made a cup of tea while his grandpa rang Fen, but when he came back he found Archie shaking his head at the phone.
‘I still can’t get hold of Fen. Her sister said she went for a walk a couple of hours ago. She’d expected her back by now.’
‘I don’t know why she won’t have a mobile,’ said Jake.
‘She says she’s managed without one this long and doesn’t want to be bothered now. You can’t blame her. Though I wouldn’t be without my iPhone.’
‘I’m sure she’ll be back soon; she probably bumped into someone she knows.’ Hiding his unease, Jake handed over the tea and sat opposite Archie. He had to confess one of his big secrets now before his grandpa made his way upstairs to the bedroom. ‘Grandpa. I need to tell you something.’
Archie frowned. ‘This sounds serious.’
‘I found the crate of paintings in the studio and the letter.’
Archie slurped his tea before muttering. ‘Oh?’
‘I moved the crate into the spare room.’
‘I suppose you opened it and the letter?’
Jake reached out and touched his hand. ‘I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself.’
‘I guessed you might, but when you didn’t mention it all this time, I wasn’t sure you’d opened it. It was meant for you after I’m gone. It’s all right, boy, don’t fret about it.’ He patted Jake’s arm.
Jake was flooded with relief. ‘You didn’t really think something might happen to you, did you?’ he asked, pleased to have the burden of the crate lifted from his mind.
‘I was just being prepared. It seemed the sensible thing to do while I was able. I didn’t know at the time I wrote the letter and packed up the paintings that I’d end up in hospital.’
‘I was worried about you.’
He patted Jake’s arm again. ‘Turns out it takes a lot to finish me off, though I’ll admit when the accident first happened, I was in a lot of pain, but worse than that, I felt helpless. I had to rely on the nurses to do everything for me and then on your mum and dad. I hated it and I know some people have to accept the help, and it might be wrong of me, but having my independence taken from me was like a bereavement.’
‘We wanted to help you. We all want to see you better and no one minded doing what they could.’
‘I did,’ said Archie fiercely. ‘I thought I’d be stuck in a wheelchair or immobile. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to come back home and live in my cottage, or paint where I want to in the open air or sail my boat. I still don’t know if I can sail her, but at least I’m here.’
‘I thought you didn’t want to come home …’
‘I did but my confidence took a knock and, well, I haven’t seen as much of your mum and dad as I ought to, so once I’d stopped feeling so sorry for myself, I decided to make the best of a bad job and spend some time with them. I missed Fen and Leo and the isles like a limb, but the plus side of being away – being with your mum and dad – dawned on me too.’
‘They enjoyed having you, especially once you were on the mend.’
‘Yes, well it was good to see them and catch up. Besides, I don’t heal so fast these days and it didn’t take much to set me back … I was glad of the company and the support, no matter how much I grumbled. Once you started mentioning Poppy and working with her on the studio, you seemed more like your old self too.’
Jake caught his breath. He knew that something else might have behind his grandpa’s extended ‘recuperation’ but hadn’t been quite sure …
‘Really?’
‘At first I was only grateful you were here to help her. I felt so guilty, but I knew I was in no fit state to paint, let alone redecorate the studio. Then I detected more. You sounded happy, Jake. You stopped talking about the place like it was a hell on earth that you wanted to bury or pretend never existed. You mentioned the photographs and I knew that you were on the mend too.’
‘I – I think that coming back helped. Seeing it through fresh eyes. Through your eyes, Grandpa.’
‘And through hers?’
‘Yes. Through Poppy’s eyes. She saw things I hadn’t noticed or made me look at them in a new way.’ He hesitated, only now voicing a feeling he’d had for months. ‘She hasn’t only made me see the landscapes through fresh eyes but myself as well.’
‘And love?’
‘Maybe.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Does she?’
‘What?’
‘Know how you feel? Know what you’ve just told me?’
‘I doubt it. I haven’t told her. In fact –’ he took a deep breath ‘– the reason I headed straight here from Heathrow, rather than calling in at Mum and Dad’s, was because I wanted to tell her how I feel before I lose my nerve again. The months I’ve spent apart from her have made me realise that. Call it perspective … But now she’s gone too.’
‘And you won’t phone her to find out what’s going on?’
‘No. I don’t think it’s right to intrude.’
‘You mean you’re too scared?’
‘Yes. I suppose do. She might want to make a go of things with her ex again.’
‘Her ex?’ Archie snorted. ‘From what I saw of him, the man is a total prat.’
Jake laughed, recalling Dan’s brusque brush-off when he thought Jake was trying to sell him something. ‘I only met him once, but I have to agree.’
‘He kept me talking in the studio and was a know-all. He seemed to like putting Poppy down too. Treats people like they’re some kind of business deal he has to win. She won’t go back to him, Jake.’
‘I hope not, but she’s been lonely here, however much she’s tried to hide it. I’m not sure she’d made up her mind to stay.’
‘So, what are you going to do about it?’ said Archie.
‘Call Poppy.’ Jake surprised himself with the forcefulness of his response.
‘Then get on with it before it is too late.’
Jake was about to reply when there a rattle from the front door.
‘Leo!’
The cat trotted in and jumped deftly onto the sofa and then onto Archie’s lap.
Archie rubbed his head and Leo purred like a drill. ‘I thought I’d never see you again, matey,’ he said, his eyes bright with moisture. ‘But I’m back now and I’m never going away again.’
After a late lunch, Jake left his grandpa to have a nap and went for walk, taking his camera with him. It was a lovely day and he thought he might capture some images while he summoned up the nerve to call Poppy. To his surprise, he realised he wanted to take photos; it wasn’t a burden: he’d rediscovered his love of St Piran’s since he’d produced Poppy’s prints.
He took a narrow track behind the cottage, which led through the modest garden and up through the gorse and bracken onto the small stretch of heathland that covered the central plateau of St Piran’s. The island was only a mile by a mile and a half and barely a hundred feet above sea level.
Half a dozen hardy red cattle grazed the heathland and were milked at the small farm. Their milk was made into butter, frozen yoghurt and the ice cream sold at the Harbour Kiosk. They lifted their heads and looked at Jake as he walked past but went back to their grazing. He climbed up to a small cairn, which marked the highest point of St Piran’s. A mile across the inky deep-water channel, he could see the low green island of St Mary’s and make out the Islander ferry at the quayside. Beyond St Mary’s, the smaller islands of Gull and St Saviour’s were hazy outcrops.
It was a calm late summer afternoon, the light mellow and kind. He took a few pictures of the cloud patterns on the sea but he struggled to get the right shot. Deep down, he knew he was only putting off the moment when he had to make his call.
He sat down on a lump of granite. With his heart beating fast, he dialled her number but it went straight to answerphone.
‘Fuck.’
One of the cows lifted its head as he swore.
He left it a few minutes, staring out over the sea, willing Poppy to pick up her phone, but his next two calls also met her answerphone. He stabbed the off button but then thought she might worry something dire had happened to him or the studio if he didn’t at least leave a message, so he called back a fourth time and left a message.
‘Poppy. It’s Jake. Nothing to worry about but I thought I’d let you know that Grandpa’s back on St Piran’s. I hope you’re OK … Call me if you can …’ He shoved the phone in his pocket. ‘Shit.’ He could email her or WhatsApp her when he got back to the studio. But no, this can’t be done in a message, he thought.
A second cow stared at him. A cow with impressive horns.
‘I know, I know. Another mad human talking to himself. Bet you get a lot of that,’ Jake told the cow. ‘Maybe I should go and see her face to face,’ he said, then dismissed the idea. He couldn’t leave Grandpa until Fen came home. ‘I can’t just turn up on her doorstep without warning her. What if she’s with him – Dan the Man?’
The cow had stopped listening and was munching the grass. Jake sighed. The cow obviously thought it was a rubbish plan too. After another few minutes of staring at his phone, willing it to ring, he pushed himself up and strode back towards the cottage.
‘Grandpa …’ Jake called softly as he let himself into the hallway. He didn’t want to startle his grandad or wake him unnecessarily.
Jake pushed the sitting room door open a crack and peered round it. Archie’s favourite chair was empty.
‘Grandpa!’ He checked the kitchen before trotting upstairs to see if Archie had gone for a lie-down in his room. There was no sign of him in the cottage, so Jake went back down and out into the garden. A few minutes later, he was beginning to worry a little. Archie hadn’t left a note.
He went out onto the harbourside to see if he could spot him, and Trevor saw him.
‘Good to see Archie back,’ he said.
‘Have you seen him, then? I’ve been for a walk and he wasn’t in the cottage.’
‘Yes, not ten minutes ago. He went into the Starfish. Do you know when Poppy will be back by the way?’
‘No, sorry,’ said Jake, as his unease made his stomach clench.
He found the door to the studio unlocked and guessed that Archie had used his own keys. Sure enough, Archie was standing in the work area.
‘Grandpa! I didn’t know you were up and about or I’d have come back from my walk sooner.’
‘I couldn’t wait any longer to see the old place and I thought you’d be busy. Did you speak to your girl?’
‘She’s not my girl, and no. I did try, but she wasn’t picking up her phone …’ Jake noticed that the drawer to the worktable was open and then realised that its contents were spread over the table.
‘Has anyone been in this drawer?’ Archie asked.
Jake winced. ‘Yes. We were looking for a list of artists and suppliers and I found a spare key … so we sort of opened it.’
‘I see.’ Archie ran his fingers over the paperwork and sheets on the worktable, spreading them apart. ‘And did you find anything?’
Jake hesitated. Although he and Poppy had come across the sketches by accident, he did feel he’d pried into a very personal aspect of his grandpa and Fen’s lives, but there was no use denying he’d seen the sketches now. ‘I did. We did. Poppy and I found some old sketches of Fen in the dunes. We didn’t know what to do with them because they seemed kind of … personal, so I locked them in the bureau in the cottage.’
Archie sat down on the stool. ‘Oh, you did, did you?’ he said quietly.
Jake perched on the seat opposite Archie. ‘I guessed they were important to you and Fen so I thought it was best to put them somewhere safe. I hope you’re not too upset?’
Archie shook his head. ‘No. No. I’m not upset. I should have moved them anyway, but I’d half forgotten they were even in there until this afternoon when you told me you’d opened the crate.’
‘I’m glad I opened it now. It did help me, even if you hadn’t intended me to.’
His eyes lit with hope. ‘Really, boy? I wanted you to love St Piran’s again, then Fen told me you seemed to be getting on with Poppy and so I also thought it wouldn’t do any harm to stay away from the island a little bit longer to give you time together … You falling for Poppy was a bonus I’d never reckoned on.’
Jake shook his head but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face either. Grandpa Archie was a crafty old devil.
‘As for the sketches, I knew you’d find them one day,’ Archie went on. ‘Of course, I have a past, Jake. So does Fen. None of us are perfect. Nobody is. I made mistakes, bad decisions – just like you seem to think you have.’
‘You don’t have to feel guilty; whatever happened with you and Fen is none of my business.’
Archie grabbed his arm. ‘I want to tell you! I know you weren’t happy with Harriet, not as happy as a couple about to spend the rest of their lives together should be. You needn’t hide it, Jake, I could tell from the final time you visited me with her.’
‘I … we were trying to work things out between us.’ Jake had never admitted to anyone that he and Harriet had been having problems. A pang of grief and guilt clutched at him. This was a difficult conversation but one that he couldn’t, and now realised he didn’t want to avoid.
Archie’s voice had taken on a passion Jake had rarely heard him use. ‘What goes on between lovers should stay between them, but you may as well know, as you’ve probably guessed, that Fen and I – well, we have been more than friends.’
Jake prickled with discomfort. It felt wrong to hear the details of his grandparents’ private lives and he definitely didn’t want to be told that his beloved grandfather might have hurt his grandmother. ‘I’m not sure you should be telling me this,’ he said softly.
‘Are you afraid to hear it? Well, don’t be. None of us is perfect, but if you’re worried that I had an affair with Fen behind Ellie’s back, you can rest easy. Fen and I have always had a fondness for each other that went beyond friendship, that’s true. We all knew each other at school, you know. Fen and Ellie were in the same class at St Piran’s primary school, back in the day when the island had a school. I was couple of years above them. We grew up together.’ Archie paused and pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed his eyes.
‘Don’t tell me this if it upsets you,’ said Jake.
‘Or you?’ Archie came back. ‘I’m sorry, Jake. I didn’t mean to be harsh but I need to tell you in case I never get another chance, so please hear me out.’
‘OK,’ said Jake, moved by the intensity of his grandpa’s tone.
‘I loved your grandma and I loved Fen, but I had to choose one and I chose Ellie. When we left school, and I’d started to make enough to support a family with my fishing and my painting, I married her and we settled down. I still cared for Fen, but I was never tempted to do anything about it, even though she lived so close. We kept the way we felt about each other deep inside and I hope Ellie never knew.’
Archie paused for breath before going on.
‘I’ll admit that after she passed away, I tormented myself for years that she might have guessed I also loved Fen and suffered silently. I hope not. Fen had her own private life, and she and I stayed friends. It wasn’t until after your grandmother had been gone a year that Fen and I became close again.’
‘That’s when you did the later sketches,’ said Jake, still uncomfortable with such private details but realising that his grandpa needed to get this huge burden off his chest. He’d probably never told another person how he felt in his whole life.
‘Yes. It must have been a shock finding them.’ A smile touched his lips.
Jake had to smile too. ‘It’s OK, Grandpa. I’m a photographer – I’ve seen racier stuff.’
Archie chuckled. ‘But nothing so personal?’
‘No. Probably not,’ said Jake, recalling the shock of seeing the drawings again.
‘I was young once and I am an artist, so I’ve seen and experienced a lot more than you imagine. Although life drawings aren’t my strong point.’
Jake let him pause, then voiced the thing he had to ask. ‘There was another drawing, Grandpa. Fen seemed a lot younger in that one.’
Archie nodded. ‘Yes, I did that picture of her too and in the same place, but that early sketch wasn’t meant for me … Like I said, nothing ever happened between Fen and I while your grandma was alive. But it’s not my business to tell you. It’s Fen’s.’ He leaned forward and put his hand over Jake’s. ‘What’s important and what I’m trying to say is that I know you feel guilty about what passed between you and Harriet before she died and it’s held you back from finding happiness elsewhere. You’ve punished yourself by hating this place and staying away from here and from anyone else you might have found comfort with.’
Jake had to remind himself to breathe. The memories of the weeks before Harriet died were vivid. Part of him was angry with Archie for dragging them up, but his grandpa was right. He had used his guilt as an excuse to cling on to the past and beat himself up. If he’d been able to admit that to himself, he might have fought harder to stay with Poppy.
‘You’re right. It’s been hard to forgive myself. I’m not sure I ever will, but I do want to be happy again. I want to let Poppy know how I feel, but it might be too late. I don’t know if we can work things through.’
Archie shook his head. ‘Jake, boy, I’m glad my misfortune has given you the chance to see things differently. Move on – things will never be perfect. If you think they’re even half perfect with Poppy, then let her know and don’t let her go. Hold on and make the most of every moment. Fight for her.’