“What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.”
“At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”
In a nutshell
What makes a marriage or partnership strong is not such a mystery—psychological research provides answers if we care to look.
In a similar vein
Louann Brizendine The Female Brain (p 52)
Susan Forward Emotional Blackmail (p 94)
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, & Sheila Heen, Difficult Conversations (p 272)
When Dr. John Gottman began researching the subject in the early 1970s, there was very little solid scientific data on marriage and the factors that make it work. Marriage counselors depended on conventional wisdom, opinion, intuition, religious beliefs, or the ideas of psychotherapists to give advice to couples, with the result that their assistance was not particularly effective.
In 1986, Gottman, a psychology professor at the University of Washington in Seattle who had previously studied mathematics at MIT, set up his Family Research Lab, colloquially known as the “Love Lab.” A furnished apartment overlooking a lake, the laboratory was set up to film and record the conversations, arguments, and body language of couples living together.
Surprisingly, the project was the first to scientifically observe real married couples in action. By the time Gottman published The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (written with Nan Silver), his team had observed more than 650 couples over a 14-year period. Most of those who came to his marriage classes were on the brink of divorce, but after learning his principles their relapse rate back to marital misery was less than half the average for marriage counseling.
There are hundreds of titles on improving relationships, but Gottman’s book has the edge because its advice is founded on actual data rather than well-meaning generalities. As a consequence, many of its answers are counterintuitive, and Gottman delights in busting a few myths about what makes for a happy and stable romantic partnership.
Attendees at Gottman’s workshops are always relieved to hear that even the happiest and most stable couples have their fights. What makes a good marriage is not simply “chemistry” but how the partners handle conflict.
Under the heading “Why most marriage therapy fails,” Gottman reveals the biggest myth of professional counseling: that communication between partners is the key to a happy, lasting marriage. Counselors tell you that your problems relate to poor communication, and that “calmly and lovingly” listening to your partner’s point of view will transform your marriage. In place of screaming matches, repeating back and validating what your partner is saying, and then calmly stating what you want, will create breakthroughs in understanding.
This idea originated with psychologist Carl Rogers (see p 238), who taught that nonjudgmental listening and acceptance of another person’s feelings create rapport. Applied to the marriage relationship, however, Gottman says that this approach definitely does not work. Most couples who use it become distressed, and of those who do seem to benefit, most relapse into their old conflicts within a year. However well each partner is made to air their grievances, it was still a case of one person trashing the other, and very few people—maybe the Dalai Lama, Gottman suggests—can remain magnanimous in the face of criticism.
Gottman reveals a shocking truth about marital conflict: “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.” His research found that 69 percent of conflicts involve perpetual or unresolvable problems. For example, Meg wants to have children, but Donald does not. Walter always wants more sex than Dana does. Chris always flirts at parties, and Susan hates it. John wants to bring the kids up Catholic, Linda wants to raise them Jewish.
Couples spend years and huge amounts of energy trying to change each other, but significant disagreements are about values and different ways of seeing the world—things that don’t change. Successful couples know this and therefore decide to accept each other “warts and all.”
The truth is, plenty of good marriages shove a lot of issues “under the rug.” When many couples have a fight, the man storms off to watch television, and the woman rushes off for some retail therapy. A couple of hours later, the argument has blown over and they are pleased to see each other again. Many partnerships remain stable and satisfied without airing deep feelings.
The fact that men are from Mars and women are from Venus may have an impact on marriage problems, Gottman notes, but it does not actually cause them. Some 70 percent of couples said that the quality of the friendship with their partner was the determining factor in happiness, not gender or anything else.
After many years of research, Gottman’s astonishing claim is to be able to make 91 percent accurate predictions of whether a couple will divorce or stay married—after observing them for only five minutes.
Couples do not end up in the divorce courts because they have arguments, he writes, it is the way they argue that massively increases the chance of them splitting up. In watching endless hours of taped interaction between couples, Gottman identified several signs that they may be on the road to divorce—if not in the next year, then some years hence. These include the following.
Discussions that begin with criticism, sarcasm, or contempt have what Gottman calls a “harsh startup.” What begins badly, ends badly.
There is a difference between complaints, which refer to a particular action by your spouse, and personal criticism.
This includes any form of sneering, eye rolling, mockery, or name calling that aims to make the other person feel bad. A worse version of contempt is belligerence, often expressed in the phrase, “What are you going to do about it?”
Trying to make the other person seem like they are the problem, as if you have not made any contribution.
Stonewalling is when one partner “tunes out,” unable to take regular criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. By disengaging they are less exposed to being hurt. Gottman notes that in 85 percent of marriages, it is the man who is the stonewaller. This is because the male cardiovascular system recovers from stress more slowly. A man’s response to conflict is likely to be more indignant, with thoughts of getting even or “I don’t have to take this.” Women, on the other hand, are better able to soothe themselves down following a stressful situation, which also explains why women nearly always have to raise the issues of conflict in the relationship and men try to avoid them.
Regular emotional “flooding” is when either partner is overwhelmed by verbal attacks from the other. When we are attacked, heart rate and blood pressure increase and hormones are released, including adrenaline. On a physiological level we experience verbal attacks as a threat to our survival. As Gottman puts it, the response is the same “whether you’re facing a saber-toothed tiger or a contemptuous spouse demanding to know why you can never remember to put the toilet seat back down.” When frequent flooding occurs, each partner’s wish to avoid the experience results in them emotionally disengaging from each other.
Unhappy couples fail to stop a heated argument in its tracks by saying, for instance, “Wait, I need to calm down,” or employing an amusing expression to prevent the conflict escalating. Happy couples all have this vital ability.
On their own, these signs do not necessarily predict divorce, but if they occur on top of one another over a sustained period, they are very likely to end a relationship. Gottman describes defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt as the “four horsemen of the apocalypse.” The level of negative sentiment slowly starts to overtake the positive, so that the “set point” of happiness in the relationship declines to a degree that it becomes too painful. The partners emotionally disengage, stop bothering to try to sort things out, and begin leading parallel lives within the same house. This is the time at which affairs are most likely, because one or both of the partners becomes lonely and seeks attention, support, or care elsewhere. An affair, Gottman points out, is usually a symptom of a dying marriage rather than the cause.
Most of Gottman’s principles for creating sustainable and happy marriages revolve around one crucial factor: friendship. The partners are able to maintain a mutual respect for each other and enjoyment of each other’s company. Friendship kindles romance, but also protects against a relationship getting adversarial. As long as you can retain “fondness and admiration” for your partner you can always salvage your relationship. Without it, there is more chance of disgust being expressed in arguments, and disgust is poison to a relationship.
According to Gottman, the purpose of marriage is “shared meaning.” That is, each partner supports the other’s dreams and hopes. A marriage is going in the wrong direction if one partner has to sacrifice what they want to make the other person happy. Genuine friendships are equal.
Related to this central issue of friendship are the following needs.
Partners in strong relationships have good “love maps” of the other person—they’re in touch with their partner’s feelings and wants, and they know basic things like who their friends are. Without such knowledge, a major event such as the birth of a first child is likely to weaken the relationship, not strengthen it.
Romance can stay alive even in the most humdrum conversations, Gottman points out. It is when you stop even acknowledging each other (turning away) that the relationship is on its way out. While some couples believe that romantic dinners or holidays can make a marriage happy, in fact it is the little daily attentions given to the other person (turning toward) that count.
Women are naturally open to the influence of their partners, but men find this more difficult. Yet the happier marriages are generally those in which the man listens to his wife and takes account of her views and feelings. Better, longer-lasting marriages are those in which the power is shared.
Once you understand “what makes marriage tick” at a scientific level you are in a much better position to improve your relationship and protect it against failure. This, of course, applies to long-term relationships of any kind. Gottman also conducted a 12-year study of gay and lesbian couples, and found that their interactions were not that different to those of straight couples. Gays tend to take things a little less personally, use fewer hostile or controlling tactics, and generally employ more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, but the basic dynamics of conflict and conflict resolution are the same.
It is probable that in 50 years’ time we will look back and be amazed how little knowledge the average person had on physiological and psychological responses to conflict, and on how to manage relationships overall. Paradoxically, hard science has much to teach us about the sort of things—love, romance, and friendship—that make life worth living.
Gottman is a professor emeritus at the University of Washington, where he was first appointed in 1986. He is the author of over 100 academic articles and many books, including A Couple’s Guide to Communication (1979), What Predicts Divorce (1993), Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (1996), The Relationship Cure (2001), and The Mathematics of Marriage (2003).
The Gottman Institute, founded with his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, provides training to professionals and families. Gottman’s Family Research Lab, which received funding from the US National Institute for Mental Health for 15 years, is now part of an independent body, The Relationship Research Institute.
Co-author Nan Silver is a contributing editor of Parents magazine.