Chapter Fourteen
The weekend had passed, and spending the majority of her Sunday afternoon with Mercy and her wedding planning had put a damper on Kenya’s spirit. She hadn’t known she would be so affected by everything. She was feeling so ill about her own less-than-love affairs that she debated even stepping down from ministering her own niece’s ceremony.
Kenya didn’t know what she was doing. For one, she had up and done the forbidden with the forbidden. For someone who prided herself in allowing Jesus to guide her in every area in her life, her actions labeled her a hypocrite. Then she concocted some cockamamie story of being interested in Mike. Whatever Kenya thought she had planned was boiling in the pit of her stomach. It was so far gone and out of control that she felt it brewing and about to make her upchuck any moment. It was a front. For her at least she knew it was. She knew Mike wasn’t really that into her or any woman. In fact, she could tell he had other intentions, maybe to just be her friend. But she needed more. She had gotten so far into her plan she just couldn’t back away now.
“How long, God? How long will I have to suffer feeling like this?” Kenya wailed out as she walked and talked to God throughout her home. “I know you said you’ve forgiven me, but I can’t get this off of me. I just can’t.”
She no longer knew what she was doing. On top of that, she no longer knew what she really felt. Or who she was for that matter. Kenya had gotten so far away from the real issue, which she believed was her doing everything just so Keithe would stay away from her. Kenya knew she had long ago deviated from the truth.
True, at first, she wanted someone in place to buy her some time, in order to get Keithe to move on. But in reality, it was her own pitiful and sinful lusts that she was trying to purge out of her system. It wasn’t right, it was manipulative, but she didn’t know what else to do.
The feelings of the indecent moments she’d shared in the dark, on the other side of the world, were still embedded in her being. She didn’t like it, didn’t agree with it, but couldn’t shake it. Kenya hated not having control of how she should feel and who she should feel a certain way about. All she knew was to call on the name of Jesus.
“Lord, you have got to help me! Help me purge my past out of my heart, out of my loins. God, I hate feeling this way. You said by accepting you, I am a new creature. I’ve given myself back to you. Help me, Lord,” she wept. “I ... I’ve fall short, Lord. Too low to get back up,” she honestly believed.
Not being able to shake the enemy off was what set Kenya in her bad decision making. She hated that she had resorted to such low antics, but when people had started talking, coming up with their own reasoning behind why she was still single, she didn’t know what else to do.
Her pastor, one who said he wouldn’t believe anything until it came from her, had pushed just about every single brother, minister, and now deacon he could into Kenya’s direction. She knew he only did so to see if she would fall for the bait. In turn, her accepting the challenge would clear up some issues for him. In actuality, it just left her being overwhelmed.
In Kenya’s mind, there was no doubt she would eventually marry the man God sent her way. Maybe. But first she had to do her part. She had to rid her thinking of being emotionally connected to the person who had introduced her to something she promised to never take part in until she was married. But she hadn’t waited. And for that, there was a sinful connection, a soulful connection she had with her lover.
“Lover,” Kenya said aloud. Just the thought of her having been a part of something she never thought she would made Kenya cringe.
There was nothing more that Kenya could do but cry. Being by herself only made it worse. With no strength to wait around until warm suds filled her Jacuzzi tub, Kenya opted for a shower, hoping her evils would wash themselves down the drain.
Even if it wasn’t a Calgon moment, she felt better already. Being able to cry without ceasing, Kenya was ready to try again to move forward. Her emotions had switched from self-pity to being upset, angry with her suitor, a person nearly twenty years her senior.
Sitting on the side of her bed in her pajamas, Kenya stared at her cell phone in its resting place on her nightstand. In the past she had been able to fight against her wants to contact someone she had looked up to in the ministry, just to confront who she felt had taken advantage of her. Now, Kenya had a mind to call and put them on blast for allowing the devil to use them in order to tempt Kenya with success. The proposal itself had left Kenya confused, disgusted with herself, and wondering if she was indeed not as straight as she thought she had been.
When Kenya had shared her calling at the tender age of sixteen, her suitor had been her mentor, an older saint in the ministry. The pastor at her old church, Kenya believed, didn’t have a clue, but blessed the mentorship. Kenya’s mother, Herlene, a saved woman of God herself, counted it all joy that her daughter was chasing after God instead of boys, so she definitely didn’t object to Kenya’s flourishing relationship.
At first it was everything Kenya could have asked God for. She traveled to different churches with the seasoned evangelist who brought God’s Word with evidence that He sat high and looked low. Whenever her mentor preached the Word of God, lives were changed, people were saved, and God got the glory.
Even on a personal note, they prayed together and talked about the goodness of the Lord. They even encouraged one another in their fasting. Although she had family, Kenya easily looked up to her mentor as family as well.
Back then, Kenya was so young and naive to even know the difference in someone waiting for their spouse and one who never wanted one at all. No one ever talked about this sort of thing. No, not in the church. Maybe it was because her mentor had never crossed any lines with her, but Kenya never had an inclination of her friend’s true interest.
Over the years Kenya had learned from the seasoned evangelist, on several different occasions, to “keep her mind on Jesus at all times and to not even think about any man.” That part was easy, as it seemed no men were ever allowed in the circle anyway. Her saved and godly-spoken-of mentor had been one of the many inspirations for Kenya believing that she could indeed wait for sex until her wedding night. Never noticing her mentor dating, rather spending all time after God’s own heart, Kenya thought surely if they could go decades without giving in to the temptations that are sometimes brought about with dating, she could do the same.
The evangelist had never married and wasn’t trying to be wed by anyone. Now that Kenya’s eyes had been opened like Adam’s and Eve’s when they disobeyed God, Kenya could see all the signs.
It was all very evident now. Things which had seemed to appear one way had been a mirage. Kenya couldn’t believe how she had been swindled, lied to, and disappointed all of those years before. What really threw her for a loop was how she’d allowed the truth to inch its way into her present life.
Unable to fight against the feeling of giving her former mentor a piece of her mind, Kenya picked up the phone to dial their number. Before she was able to press send, Kenya’s phone vibrated underneath her fingertips.
“Oh, Lord,” Kenya yelled out, jerking her neck when she saw the number on the screen. It was clear to her that God hadn’t thought she was ready to make a call that probably would have broken her down even more.
Seeing Keithe’s number on the screen, Kenya took in a shocked breath and debated answering. Whatever it was that he wanted she hoped it was church related.
“Hello,” she heard Keithe say as she sat, just holding the line. Kenya was yet again amazed how God had made a way of escape from confrontation ... or confirmation. It was the latter Kenya feared. “Hello?”
She took her ministry for real. Even if she were in the midst of driving on the wrong side of the road, Kenya knew God when he showed Himself.
“Hi,” she finally let out. Scooting herself back against her king-sized down pillow, Kenya wrestled with allowing a personal tone in her voice, or keeping it strictly business.
“Hi, Keithe.” Kenya really did feel something for the tall, dark, and handsome man. It no doubt had to be the God in him. Never having felt anything for any boy, or man for that matter, remotely what she felt for Keithe, Kenya couldn’t decipher if it was enough to keep her from venturing back into the arms of the forbidden. Especially if she were to ever give the deacon a chance.
“Kenya. How are you? We haven’t had time enough to chat lately. Well ... outside of the group, that is.”
It was a personal call.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Keithe. Just so busy running around doing so many things. Is there anything in particular going on?” Kenya fought to keep all things church related.
“Oh no. We’re straight. I’m just talking about you and me.” Keithe’s sensual voice spoke volumes. “I’ve missed you.” After hearing nothing but silence on the other end, he said, “Let me back up. I have missed our friendship. You seem distant ever since you and Mike have started dating.”
“Um, huh,” Kenya was finally able to release. “Is this what I owe the pleasure of your call to?” Kenya gave off a little giggle. She felt Keithe was about to get a little too honest for her. “Aren’t you the brave one, Deacon Morgan?”
“Okay, okay. So I’m being the bold one tonight. Evangelist? I’m just going to be blunt. I like you. Care for you, whether you accept that or not. Mike’s my boy. Like a brother to me ... I just thought he came out of left field asking you out.” Keithe was like Whitney Houston; he couldn’t believe his own strength in being direct with Kenya. “Maybe I should have put myself out there sooner to let you know how I felt. Maybe the rejection wouldn’t have hurt so badly,” Keithe said.
Kenya felt bad. At that very moment her heart warmed for Keithe. All of the avoiding she had done had only led right back to the very beginning of the whole flirting scenario. Now she no doubt knew she had been the reason why the two friends had stopped communicating.
“So what do you want, Deacon Morgan?” Kenya asked, though scared to hear the actual answer.
“Just a chance. That’s it.” Keithe, who had been inadvertently listening to Mother Gladstone’s weird but precise way of putting things, was going in full force. “All I need is a chance for me to start all over. Evangelist Kenya ... I’m Deacon Morgan.”