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She was back in to the room without realizing that she walked there or even worrying much about noise. Nick was a sound sleeper and didn't even stir when she slumped on to the bed exhausted. Her eyes felt swollen and a sad sigh escaped from within her, as they fell closed.
Alex's last words were to forgive him. A thing she had been struggling to do over the last five years and yet today, as he turned his back on her, she felt the anger within her wash away. It took away the one thing she held onto tightly and now she felt empty - like a hollow within her.
She felt confused with the void. What was she supposed to do now? It still didn’t bring Andrew back. Her anger was to avenge Andrew and his wrongful death. Why wasn’t she feeling the righteous satisfaction? Lines of reality blurred as she slipped into her nightmare.
The huge frame of Jeff’s body clouded her view from outside the window. He stood in his military suit with his hands folded over his massive chest. Lyla sat at the new dining table facing him, lightly touching the brand new china teacup of hers. He looked pained at the least.
"I got the call while on duty just two days after the funeral."
"I know. Your mom gave me your message. I missed you.” Lyla looked up to him blinking away the harsh memories of the funeral.
"I returned yesterday and mom said you moved in here. With Alex" The name on his lips sounded bitter.
Lyla looked on with a flicker of confusion adorning her forehead. "Moved in with him last week. Been so busy with the set-up since then."
She looked around her, a happy smile spreading on her face. She didn’t look like a grieving girlfriend any more. She had moved on.
Jeff shifted his frame, rather uncomfortably. Lyla noticed. She knew Jeff, her kindergarten friend, and there was something he was worried about. The crease was back on her brow.
"That’s very odd for Alex," he said.
There it is! That’s what he was worried about. Lyla laughed shaking her head, "I know what you are thinking, Jeff. Alex has changed. He’s no longer the Casanova. We both are in love. Not that I have forgotten Andrew but he helped me move on. He was my only support when you weren’t there." Lyla finished, wondering why she was explaining her feelings to him.
"Well that explains why you couldn’t see through him." The smirk was still there on his face.
Lyla felt exposed at the accusation in his voice. Surely he doesn't think she forgot Andrew. "What do you mean? You want me to mourn over Andrew forever? Am I allowed to move on?" she asked fumbling for words and her breath.
"Of course you’re supposed to move on, Lyla. But with the very person who was responsible for Andrew's death? That you would..."
"Shut up! What are you talking about?" Something felt twisted in her stomach and the color drained from her face.
"Alex, of course," Jeff walked to her urgently and searched her ashen face. "You don't know," he whispered. Anger rose within him and he said, "That son of a-"
"Hey! Stop right there. Tell me what you know!" Lyla willed herself to meet his eyes without breaking down. She didn’t know what it was but she knew it was going to end everything between her and Alex. Yet she held on to a shred of hope within that she and Alex would overcome whatever it was.
She watched as Jeff struggled to talk fearing he would hurt her. She knew he cared about her a lot. Andrew, she and Jeff were best friends.
"You know there were two survivors from Andrew's car accident, right?"
"Yes, his friend and a girl they gave lift to. It was his friend's turn to drive but he was too busy with the girl. How can I forget him? He’s the reason Andrew is dead. He let Andrew slip off while he made out with the girl,” said Lyla.
Jeff knelt down in front of her, meeting her confused gaze. He took her hands she had on her lap and squeezed willing his warmth and support in to her. As realization dawned on her, she tried withdrawing her hands but he held on to them, squeezing them harder. But it did not matter to her anymore.
She felt the beautiful garden beyond her window cloud and turn hazy as tears rolled down on her cheeks onto their hands. And with it washed away the small hope she had within, -of being with Alex forever. This she couldn’t forgive. She couldn’t forgive Alex for being the friend who left him to die.
Lyla stirred, wiping the damp hair over her forehead. The sound of a clasping briefcase woke her up. She opened her eyes to a smiling Nick. She blinked to erase the last of her nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare really. It was the truth, she corrected herself.
"Morning sleepy head."
"Morning," she mumbled trying to not to feel as relieved as she felt seeing Nick dressed. It meant he was leaving and she swallowed the guilty pleasure of being alone with her woes.
"Your hotel van to the airport is in two hours. I think you should start packing." Nick looked happy, Lyla observed mutely. "Mine unfortunately is in fifteen minutes. I didn't want to wake you up. You looked tired." He still looked happy, even when he implied he was unhappy at leaving so early.
Lyla shook her head chiding herself for her weird thoughts. Clearly she was not fully awake. "You should have. You were planning to leave without saying goodbye?” said Lyla rising to sit thinking how unlike Nick it was.
Nick sat next to her looking at her disheveled face and hair. "You’re one messy sleeper, aren’t you?" They both laughed while Lyla tried smoothing her hair into a ponytail. "Sorry,” he said.
She saw the grin slowly leaving his face. She didn’t like what was coming. “What is it?” asked Lyla.
"You kept saying Alex in your dream," said Nick frowning.
"What?" Dread filled her stomach as she realized what was going on in his mind. Of course she said that. She was aware of her loud dreams.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
“If you think I’m sleeping with my boss, you are wrong. I would never do that!” she replied with hurt and panic layered her voice.
"I know that." "Then what?"
The hurt in his eyes was naked. "That he’s the same Alex. Surely I deserve to know that.”
Surprise hit her face. She had not told anybody about meeting Alex again. "How do you know?" she whispered.
"The way you look at him. The way he talks about you. You thought I wouldn't know?” There was no accusation in his voice. He just said it. Lyla couldn't understand what was going on. Why was Nick not sounding as angry as he should? Why did he sound so calm?
"I didn't think it mattered. He doesn't matter, Nick.” She chanted it in her mind long after she spoke those words. She had to believe it.
But Nick undid her. "Are you sure?"
Confusion and fear of losing Nick danced in her eyes even as traitor tears stung them. Is Nick going to leave her too?
"This project is over in 5 days and then I am coming to Spain to marry you," she said forcefully. She needed to believe that too. Her future with Nick. She hoped she did not sound as unconvincing as she felt within.
"You know I’m not talking about the project. It's beyond that. You’ve spent five years hating him. You moved on from Andrew's death but not from Alex's betrayal. Are you sure he doesn’t matter?"
There it was. The ugly truth shoved in to her face. She closed her eyes in defeat. Yes, Alex mattered. But there was nothing else she could do about it. Just wait it out until he was out of her system and then perhaps, start a new life with Nick. She had already forgiven Alex. But she needed to understand the hole within her now. She felt so empty. It was now ready to be filled in by Nick but he wasn’t making that happen.
"I need more time, Nick," she replied embarrassment reddening her face. How many times had she uttered these words to him?
He sighed sadly, a bitter smile on his face. He shook his head in wonder as he uttered, "I’m amazed I’m still saying this but take your time. I understand. But...but Lyla, I need a partner. An equal who would love me with an undivided heart. Nothing would make me happier if that woman was you. Yet I can’t promise to wait forever. Not after seeing you with him. The way you look with him."
His voice trailed as painful images of Lyla and Alex hit him. He was glad he made this surprise visit. He would have never understood Lyla's reasons otherwise. Patting her hand, he stood up.
With his small briefcase in his left hand, he waited for an expected hug from Lyla but she looked too much in shock to even move. He looked down at her raised oval face, huge tears flowing from the corners as she grappled with his decision. He wanted to reach out to her and wipe them but for what? It wasn’t going to change anything for her. It’d only hurt him. She needed to make a decision before he could give more of himself to her. He turned and left without a word.
***
The grey chairs and the white walls of the airport didn’t improve Lyla’s mood. She sat on the chair slumped waiting for their flight, uninterested in the people around her. Her world was spinning out of control and she had no inclination to save it.
If she thought Nick’s departure with an ultimatum was bad, their trip to airport was worse. There was no sign of Alex in their van. When she asked around, Matt said he’d left for New York yesterday night and he wasn't coming back to finish the project. Carl was to wrap up the remaining one week. Alex would be available on call only for emergencies. Her heart sank at the news. Not that she had anything to say to him but his absence was painful to her in ways she hadn’t expected. It was as if she was alone now. But wasn’t she?
She was contemplating on what her next steps would be with Nick’s ultimatum when she heard Stella talking to Alex. She clicked her phone off and sat next to her looking exhausted. She looked like someone who lost a long argument.
“You look tired. Looks like someone was busy last night,” said Lyla trying a weak attempt at humor.
Stella gave her trademark sexy laugh, which got couple of men behind her turn to look at her. Lyla cringed in embarrassment though it had no effect on Stella. “No, sweetheart. It wasn’t Carl. It was Alex.”
“Oh.” Lyla felt her ears heat up and burn. Was that what Alex was doing after telling her goodbye? Moving on? She jerked awake from her daydream with another of Stella’s provocative laughs.
“I didn’t mean THAT! I meant I was with Alex talking to him. Look at your face!”
Lyla felt her breath climb back into her lungs. Her embarrassment reached her eyes this time and she smiled awkwardly to shake it away. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought that.”
“Because you think Alex is a Casanova.” Surprise hit her and it was not missed by Stella. “I like to know who I work with,” continued Stella replying to her questioning gaze.
“Well, that’s smart. I should do that too before trusting people.” With pursed lips, Lyla chided herself for relaying the unnecessary blurbs of her thoughts to Stella.
She continued trying to lighten the mood. “Well, isn’t he a charming Casanova? I shouldn’t have been surprised if he’d actually slept with you. I don’t know why I keep expecting the opposite.” Lyla finished frowning.
“Because you want to believe him and you are right in doing so,” replied Stella.
Lyla bent to rest her elbows on her knees and covered her face with a sigh. “You’ve no idea how impossible it is to trust him.” Lyla shook her head in regret once again. That’s all she seemed to have done since Alex left her last night.
“Why? Because of Andrew?”
Lyla jerked her head to face Stella now. How did she know? Lyla felt exposed. Who else knew about her and Alex here? “Did Alex tell you that? Did he tell everybody in the team?” Panic rose within Lyla. Was he laughing at her back all the time while she struggled with her desire to not sleep with him?
“NO! You need to calm down Lyla. Only I know about you and Alex. No one else. You can trust me.”
Lyla sank back in her chair feeling smaller and shocked. The pain was back. “Then you know why he left?” She looked at her from the corner of the eye gauging her response. She watched as Stella nodded, her eyes steeling into a determination that Lyla found it quite odd.
“Yes and you know it, too.”
Yet, Stella’s stern reply didn’t match the anger that Lyla felt within. Her statement sounded as if Stella blamed her for his abandonment of the project. She looked at her questioningly.
Stella took a deep breath and said, “I know Alex is going to kill me for this but seriously, why can’t you see he’s in love with you?” The confusion was genuine and she absolutely thought Lyla had missed the golden boy behind Alex’s Casanova exterior.
“Well, if you know about Andrew, then you also know why I can’t love him.”
Stella shook her head vigorously splaying strands of her tightly knit bun over her face and said, “No. You do love him. It’s why you can’t move on. That’s my question. He’s been pining for you since the day you left him. He’s not a Casanova anymore. He was too much in love with you to even go out with other women!”
Stella’s spirited support for Alex only infuriated Lyla and she wondered what lies he fed her with to have such an ardent supporter in her.
“You have no idea what you are talking about. Did he tell you he was the reason why Andrew died? Or did he forget to mention this particular piece of information?” Lyla’s attempts to mellow down the sarcasm were a waste. It came out nastier than she thought and she expected a strong reply from Stella.
However, Stella’s reaction to that puzzled Lyla. Stella looked as if cold water was splashed on her suddenly. Stella twice opened her mouth to reply but decided against it. She looked at Carl standing in the distance checking the flight status as if asking for strength and then having made up her mind, she finally turned to Lyla.
Lyla was waiting for her reply still heaving with sarcasm. “Andrew didn’t die because of Alex.”
Lyla frowned at this. “He told that and you believed it?” Lyla watched as Stella’s face turned in to a smirk.
“No. He didn’t tell me that. I saw it.”
It was Lyla’s turn to feel the shock of cold within her. What did she just say? She saw Andrew dying? Lyla folded her hands tightly to her chest, holding them to keep from shivering. The memory of that dreadful day, even after so many years, chilled her.
“But there were no witnesses to the accident. That’s one of the reasons why Andrew couldn’t be saved,” replied Lyla holding her voice steady though she felt nothing steady within her.
“I wasn’t a witness”