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“I can’t do this with you, Dean. Not anymore.”
“Do what? Hang out with me? Have sex? I didn’t lie to you.”
“I’m pretty sure lying by omission is still lying.” I threw the accusation at him. I was already planning ahead. I needed to get dressed, grab King, and go home. That would be easy. Not thinking about Dean would be the hard part. Not remembering the off-the-scale sex we had and the way he made me feel. The way he looked after me.
“If you’d told me you had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t have slept with you.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Well, you did. I’m stupid for thinking this was different. I thought I’d be the one to fuck it up, not you.”
“Whoa.” He raised his hands. “You’re not stupid, Steph. Don’t ever say that about yourself, little sandy girl.”
“Don’t call me that. Not now.”
He sat back against the pillows. “Okay. What can I tell you? I didn’t want to mention Belle, because I didn’t want to spoil this. There’s no guarantee she and I are going to get back together. None at all. If I hadn’t been transferred down here, we would probably have split anyway.”
I clung to the quilt. It gave me something to do with my hands. “That’s easy to say, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not. I’m seeing her differently now, after spending time with you. And I know, if she’s been seeing other guys...” He shook his head. “It shouldn’t make a difference, but it will.” He gave me a tired smile. “This has been good, Steph. Better than I could imagine. I don’t want it to end.”
“I get that. You want to keep stringing me along until you go back home. I don’t think so.”
“No. I don’t mean that. The past few months have been shitty. With Hal and Lisa and Dickless and the inquiry... Getting booted down here, miles from anyone I know... I was as pissed off as I’ve ever been, and then I saw you on the beach. I’d seen you in the café first, but I really saw you on the beach. You were bent over, a stick in your hand, and you were making something beautiful in the wet sand. I couldn’t stay away from you after that. I still can’t.”
He sounded almost defeated. Despite my common sense telling me to get the fuck out of here, I didn’t move.
Dean shrugged. “I am sorry. I hate that you think I was taking advantage of you. I wasn’t. I was losing myself in you, and if anyone’s fucked up here, it’s me. You’re the best thing to happen to me in a long time. If you want to leave, I absolutely respect that. If you want me to keep away, I will.” He placed his right hand on the covers, palm up. “But if you can, try to find a way to move past this, and let me prove I’m not the fuckwit you think I am.”
I longed to take his hand, to tangle our fingers together, but I was frozen. If I forgave him and carried on seeing him—fucking him—what would happen to me when he went back to Auckland? It would break me.
This was already close to breaking me.
“I’ll drive you home.” His voice was low, and I knew he was hurting.
“I can walk,” I said.
“I’ll come with you. Make sure you get home safe. It’s past midnight, Steph. I care for you, in case you didn’t know, and I can’t watch you walk out of here.”
He cared for me. I was falling in love with him.
When I didn’t reply or move, he spoke again, sounding cautious. “You have to be up early. Why don’t you stay the night, get some sleep, and I’ll take you home in the morning? I can sleep on the sofa, if you prefer.”
He meant it. He’d let me have the bed, if sharing made me uncomfortable. “You don’t have to do that. I’ll stay, but you stay next to me, okay?” I managed a shaky smile.
Emotion flashed in his eyes, and he looked away for a moment. He locked his gaze back onto me. “So where do we stand? Where do we go from here?”
I’d all but gift wrapped my heart, tied it with a little ribbon, and handed it over. I should stop now, before it was too late. “Friends? Without benefits.”
He gave a sharp nod. “Agreed. You’ve said red to anything more than friendship, and I have to accept that, but if you change your mind, it’s up to you to tell me.”
He was so lovely, even when he was being an asshole. If anyone was stupid, it was Belle, for not wanting to hang onto him. “Agreed.”
Dean sighed, and then scrubbed his hands over his hair. “This wasn’t how I hoped tonight would go. Would you like to borrow a shirt to wear?”
“If I said yes, would that be weird?”
He didn’t say anything. Instead he climbed out of bed, opened a drawer, and came back with a soft, much-washed T-shirt. It was a Villainy tour shirt, with all the New Zealand gigs printed across the back.
“I still want to take you to Homegrown.” His voice was gruff.
“I still want to go.”
“That’s alright, then.” He flicked out the bedside light on his side, before getting into bed. “Can I hold you? Just that, I promise.”
I wanted that too. It was an easy decision, but it took me an age to fall asleep. I didn’t think Dean slept much either.
Five in the morning came far too soon. I clung to the pillow and squeezed my eyes shut tight. Another ten minutes would be good, but I couldn’t hide under the covers forever.
“Hey,” murmured Dean, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “That’s your alarm. D’you have time for a coffee?”
“No, but thanks.” I hauled my weary body into the bathroom, to freshen up, and then got dressed, with Dean out of the bedroom. King bounded across the kitchen floor to greet me, and I rubbed his shaggy head. He’d been my lifeline before, and he’d help me get through this.
Dean held out a glass of juice. “Have a drink, and then I’ll take you home. I’ve a favour to ask, but we can talk about it in the car.”
I was grateful he had something planned to say. The prospect of a silent and uncomfortable journey made me cringe.
We hadn’t gone far before he spoke. “Here’s the thing. I’ve only got the rental of this cottage for the rest of the week, and then I need to find somewhere longer term, until my secondment is over. Tim put me in touch with my current landlord, and he reckons he has a couple of properties I might like.” He glanced at me, and then resumed his focus on the deserted road. “I wondered if you’d come with me, and give me your feedback?”
It sounded a lot like an excuse to spend more time together. The correct answer was no so why did I say, “Yes, I’d love to”? Because it meant I could put off leaving him, for a little longer.