part0011

In April 2005, my wife and I drove up from our home in the Bay Area to attend a relationship skills class in Sacramento, California. I mainly went there on assignment from the president of a non-profit organization I was working with in Oakland. My task was to check out the course to see if it was suitable for teaching low-income clients we were serving in the inner city. So I went there with the idea “I’m going to learn this material to see if it’s good for others.”

When we got there, I settled into the class with the mindset of being an observer. Within an hour, the instructor started teaching the listening skill, what effective listening consisted of. She asked the class, “Have you had times when you were listening to someone and your mind kept wandering off while they were speaking?” Yes and often, I thought to myself. “When a person is speaking to you, do you sometimes think about your response instead of focusing on what they’re saying in the moment?” Hmm, yes again.

She asked a few more probing questions related to poor or inadequate listening, such as, “Do you sometimes jump in with your own ideas while the speaker is still speaking to you?” and, yes, she was spot on each time. Almost immediately I felt she was talking directly to me! That was my wakeup call. I realized if what she was saying was what good listening is and can be then I hadn’t been listening like that my entire life! It was eye-opening and humbling at the same time.

I’d always thought I was a fairly decent listener—i.e., you speak and I basically understand what you’re saying, end of story. But when it came to really empathizing with the speaker, and focusing on trying to understand their meaning from their point of view, particularly on topics of importance to them, it was clear I was only listening at a surface level much of the time.

I then thought of my wife, my children, and so many others who had been such a major part of my life—I realized that on so many occasions I probably hadn’t listened fully and empathically to any of them, even though I thought I was listening. It was clear that the deeper purpose of my attending this class was for me to learn some valuable communication lessons for myself , and not simply to learn some good ideas that would benefit others.

That was my introduction into the phenomenal world of empathic communication—what it is, its use, and its powerful impact.

Listening and speaking are the basic communication tools we use every day. We use them to process language as we interact with the people in our lives. When we use these tools well, they help us create wonderful, growing, lasting relationships. However, when used improperly, those very tools of listening and speaking can create a lot of hurt, damage, and even destruction to relationships. The key is to become skilled in how to use these essential tools well and put these skills into practice on a daily basis. That’s where the real change and growth occurs in oneself and one’s relationships.

We have all seen instances, and perhaps experienced them ourselves, where a lack of communication skills led to painful consequences—such as a couple speaking hurtfully and disrespectfully to each other over time leading to separation and divorce, or friction between a parent and adult child leading to years of alienation and resentment, or pent up anger and frustration on the job leading to outburst, bad feelings and even termination.

These are all unfortunate consequences of miscommunication. If the parties involved had known and practiced communication skills, these consequences might have been averted.

The good news is there are many excellent communication and relationship skills programs available. Some of the main points and skills they teach are universal and common among them—such as how to listen well, how to express oneself clearly, how to dialogue, manage conflict and problem solve—and the authors of each program have framed and written their version of the skills in their own way with their own unique emphases and exercises. Though they have their unique aspects, all of these programs focus on helping people become better listeners and speakers—core elements of good communication and healthy relationships.

A bit of advice as you read this book: “Begin with the end in mind,” as author Stephen Covey would often say. Envision yourself as an effective communicator—the “end” or goal that you want to achieve.

For example, imagine having a conversation with your spouse or partner about your couple’s finances, and the conversation is going smoothly. You have different opinions on a few things, but you are discussing them well and without any friction. You are arriving at a budget plan that you both feel very comfortable with.

Then you’re at work discussing a project with several co-workers. There are a lot of complicated details being discussed, but you’re listening very well to each person’s ideas and they feel you understand them. You’re also expressing your own ideas to the team thoughtfully and clearly, and the entire conversation is proceeding well, even though there are some conflicting ideas on the team.

Next, you’re upset at what your teenage son has done to the family car, but you keep your anger in check and express your frustrations to him clearly but without saying demeaning and hurtful words you’d likely regret later.

In the above scenarios, the communication skills you have learned and practiced are bearing fruit both at home and at work. In your 24/7 world, even in the face of difficulties on several occasions, your relationships are proceeding well. Such results are what we strive for on the road to becoming an effective communicator.

As you start reading this book, envision yourself experiencing relationship success along the way of learning and practicing these solid communication skills. See yourself as that empathic spouse or partner, as an empathic parent, co-worker, neighbor and friend. That vision of yourself as a successful communicator, particularly with the important people in your life, will both drive and pull you ahead.

While the advice and suggestions in this book offer a guide to help you work toward communication success, it’s important for you to take ownership of your journey to be the great communicator you want to be. As you do, your compass is set and you can move forward a bit each day toward realizing your goal.