Chapter 4

Key 1: Empathic Awareness Skill

Each person is unique, special, valuable.

Empathic Awareness Skill is something we do before we even start to communicate with someone and while we communicate with them. It’s our internal perspective, our frame of mind, the lens, the heart through which we see ourselves and others. It’s the why we communicate, and that is the reason I consider it to be the foundational skill for all the other skills.

Empathic Awareness Skill has 4 steps:

Step 1: Recognize your own inherent value and dignity as a person. Your inner self. Your unique value and special character.

It’s vital to cultivate a self-awareness of our own personal value, such that we can honestly think to ourselves (and even say aloud), “I am unique, special, and valuable.” Truly, there is no one else like you or me in all the world. We are each one of a kind with our own unique talents, abilities and personality.

“Put your own mask on first”

If we don’t believe in our own value, how will we believe in the value of others ? When you’re on an airplane, the flight attendant tells everyone that if there is a loss in cabin air pressure the oxygen mask will drop from overhead and to put yours on first before you try to help someone else; otherwise, you won’t be able to breathe and you won’t be much help to anyone. Similarly, if we aren’t able to recognize our own value first, it will be more difficult to turn and see the value of others.

In fact, the most common teaching in the world’s religions is a form of “love others as you love yourself” and even self-help professionals express forms of this teaching. However, it only works if a person loves and values him or herself. People who don’t love or value themselves can actually be harmful, both to themselves and to others, because if they don’t appreciate themselves then they very likely will not appreciate others.

Ways to enhance Empathic Awareness of our personal value and potential:

• Meditation, Self-Reflection, Prayer:
  These are time-honored practices to help calm the mind and body, eliminate distractions, clear the mental and spiritual air, and connect with the deeper, positive mind within oneself—our internal essence. If you’re a religious or spiritual person, this is pausing to connect to a higher power, your life source.
• Inspirational and Motivational Books:
  These words have the power to instruct, uplift and energize your thinking and bolster your sense of self and self-value. These words are food for the mind and soul. Inspirational and motivational books can help you recognize your value as well as identify and nurture your unique talents and potential.
• Speeches, Seminars, Webinars, Workshops, Sermons:
  The more exposure we have to uplifting, thought-provoking information and testimonies from others that give us greater understanding and awareness of our own value, talents, and capacities the more we should take them and invest in them—we’ll be the better for it.
• Positive Self-Talk:
  We are what we think. Fill your mind with positive self-talk (I can do it, I’m a person of great value, I have talents that can help others ). Think positive thoughts and expectations about yourself and others, your goals, relationships, and life in general and those things are more likely to come to fruition. Norman Vincent Peale, author of the classic The Power of Positive Thinking , may have said it best: “Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
  
  On the contrary, if you fill your mind with negative self-talk (I can’t, I’m no good, There’s no way ) then those things will likely come true. In a very real sense we reap what we sow in our minds—positive thoughts produce positive words, actions and results; negative thoughts produce negative words, actions and results. How we direct our thinking, self-talk, and attitude determines which way we go.

Step 2: Recognize the inherent value and dignity of the other person , that they are likewise worthy of respect.

As mentioned above, every human being is special, regardless of their level of income, social status or other characteristic. We are fellow travelers on this planet, in this time and space. Of all the people who are alive now, and who have ever lived or will live, the people we encounter each day are in our very presence, our sphere of awareness. We can even think there is some purpose for their being in our world—something we can learn from them, and something they can learn from us.

Each person has their strong points and weak points, faults and quirks, but also, like us, they are unique, special, valuable—we need to see them that way, treat them that way. I suggest that this is a prerequisite to being able to have good communication, in that we are grateful for these people in our lives and can acknowledge that every single person may have something to teach us and help us grow. In fact, you might notice something special in them they don’t even see in themselves.

Pause -> Reflect -> Adjust -> Act

I’ve found this to be a very helpful mantra: Pause. Reflect. Adjust. Act. It’s like an inner compass helping to steer myself in the right direction. Often, in the course of the day, while I’m communicating with someone and my mind starts to drift or my sense of being empathic starts to fade, I’ll catch myself and think, Pause, Reflect, Adjust, Act .

The Pause helps me stop my wayward thinking on the spot—like a stoplight. Then I Reflect on the importance of the person and what they’re talking about or the situation, I Adjust my focus and intentionality to value and zero in on them and what they’re saying and feeling, and finally I Act by being more empathically present.

This mantra and state of mind act as a realignment tool. Like driving a car or flying a plane, we are constantly making adjustments to stay on the path toward our destination. In this case, that destination is being empathically aware of ourselves and the other person in the moment.

“But what about a person I don’t like?”

Let’s face it, there are many people we may not like for one reason or another—their attitude, personality, behavior, the way they talk or dress, their breath!—but even regarding them, you can look at the bright side and think, This difficult person may be in my life so that I can: 1) grow my heart to unconditionally value him/her and 2) look in the mirror to see if I need to change something about myself, such as overcome my anger, impatience, or some other negative behavior trait I have. I can learn something valuable from them, and they can learn something valuable from me.

Think of the people in your life that you don’t particularly like—that nosy acquaintance, the relative who talks too much, your untidy neighbor, an arrogant co-worker. As much as you dislike some of their behaviors and attitudes, try looking beyond those characteristics and think, They may be a test for me to grow my heart of empathy and compassion for who they are as unique human beings.

You can also think, Perhaps they agitate something in me that I need to confront and deal with—my own arrogant and judgmental attitudes, my hair-trigger anger, my prejudice, etc. Indeed, these people who are challenging for you to deal with may be an opportunity to stretch your heart and grow your character. Who knows, you may be challenging to them!

Act Loving in order to Feel Loving

Dr. Jerome Bruner, Harvard psychologist, writes, “You are more likely to act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action.” The lesson here is to act loving in order to feel loving rather than simply wait for loving feelings to emerge before you act. If we act loving and caring even to someone we don’t like, the feelings of love and caring will sooner or later emerge within us. Thus, we acted ourselves into the feelings we wanted to have.

The Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you .” But there’s also a Platinum Rule which I believe is even more explicitly other-centered: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them .” That’s empathy or compassion—seeing and feeling the other person from their point of view, putting yourself in their shoes, their frame of reference.

Ways we can enhance our Empathic Awareness of others:

• Think of this day as an experiment in which you see the people you come in contact with as opportunities for you to grow in love and compassion by practicing caring, understanding, patience, forgiveness and gratitude. Test the hypothesis that Empathic Awareness will work in your life today.
• Take the 1-Day Empathy Challenge! Practice seeing the people you meet today as a gift —a unique opportunity to grow your heart and empathy.

Step 3: Create the desire in your mind to want to listen and relate to them —to feel and understand them as they are.

Intentions precede actions. As we create the desire —the intention—to relate well with others because we recognize their value as unique and special human beings, that desire will fuel and mobilize our want to listen and relate to them and move us closer to doing so. We’re moving from internal realization of its importance to the external action of doing it. Cultivating such intentionality within our heart and mind is a deliberate act on our part, an act of focus and sincerity, and a vital element of the Empathic Awareness Skill.

In his book Real Love , Dr. Greg Baer says, “Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.” Cultivating such love in our hearts moves us toward loving actions, and the more we uplift the other person the more we are uplifted in the process. The smile on their face brings a smile to our own.

Author Josephine Billings similarly said, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” The love we give another person may be the very thing that gives them hope—helps them feel their value.

We need to reach out with our eyes, ears, words, and attitude to make a connection of heart with that person. An unexpected benefit of Empathic Awareness is that in reaching to understand and relate to the deeper heart and feelings of another person this will take us deeper into our own heart, similar to getting to the same water level. Simply put, we can’t get to a deeper place in someone else from a shallow place in ourselves.

Step 4: Think of the positives in your relationship with the other person —your spouse, child, parent, friend, co-worker, etc. Even a stranger—they’re in your world too!

Thinking of the positives about other people and our relationship to them creates an attraction, a magnetic effect drawing us toward them. We’re focusing on the positives, what’s bright about them, rather than focusing on repelling any negatives. Our positive perspective is the key and a powerful aspect of Empathic Awareness Skill.

Ways to develop our positive perspective of others:

• Focus on the good. Think of the qualities and characteristics we appreciate about them—for example, the co-worker trying their best on that particular project even though they may not always clean up after themselves in the lunchroom; our spouse or partner constantly giving us encouraging words even though they are sometimes late for appointments; the neighbor working two jobs to support his family even though their front yard looks kind of shabby. When we focus on the positives of who they are and what they do, it will help us put any negatives into better perspective, even if we need to discuss and problem-solve some of those negatives with them. Our positive attitude opens up our heart to the possibilities of what can go right instead of what can go wrong.
• The Eye of the Beholder. What we look for we will find. If we look for good qualities in another person, we will find them. On the other hand, if we expect and look for the bad or imperfect qualities, we will find those as well. It really depends on our point of view, our lens, our expectation, our intention. Think of it as putting on “empathy glasses”—seeing the best in the other person, seeing them and their needs from their point of view.

Is Empathic Awareness Realistic?

Now you might say, “This all sounds very nice, but is being empathically aware doable or even practical in the course of our busy lives? Is achieving that state of mindfulness on a day-to-day basis realistic?” It’s definitely a challenge. At the same time, the goal of becoming an empathic person is to become a better person. Even if it’s small changes like taking the time to listen better or intentionally pausing to understand what the other person is really feeling, it’s often these little things that can make a big difference.

Think of It as a Skill

If you think of achieving greater Empathic Awareness of the value of yourself and others as a “skill” that you learn and cultivate in yourself and get better at over time with practice then it may appear more doable to you. We all know from experience that becoming skilled at anything doesn’t happen by chance or accident or by wishful thinking. It requires learning what to do and steady intentional effort, practicing it with successes and failures along the way as we get better and better at it.

For example, I wanted to learn how to play the guitar when I was a teenager so that I could play some of the popular songs of the day as well as write my own. I bought a guitar and a chord book and started to figure it out, but it took several weeks of trial and error and lots and lots of practice before my fingers finally did what I wanted them to do. Many times it was frustrating, but I kept at it. Now, decades later, it’s automatic—when I want to play a C chord, my fingers jump immediately to the exact position on the strings and I strum the C chord. I wanted the skill, I learned and practiced it, and now it’s an ingrained behavior, a part of me.

In recent years, I wanted to become more intentional in my communication skills with other people and have a greater Empathic Awareness of each person’s unique value as I’m communicating with them. As with playing the guitar, the same learning and practice of skills apply, and I’ve noticed that my focus and practice of communication skills is paying off bit by bit, day by day. I must admit I still have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

Opportunities for Growth Every Day!

The good news is that opportunities for developing your Empathic Awareness Skill show up all the time, even daily and unexpectedly. You’re driving on the freeway, and a driver cuts you off and you want to get angry at him. A co-worker won’t stop complaining and you’re getting fed up with him or her. We may not know what personal issues they may be dealing with or be able to control or modify their behavior, but we can control and modify our own.

We can think of those situations as opportunities to remind ourselves about the importance of Empathic Awareness Skill and to try to practice it. Use empathy as the foundation for understanding. Recognize that the intent behind the other person’s behavior may not be to upset or antagonize you. Instead, take that understanding and own the situation. Again, while we can’t control the world around us, we can control our reactions to it.

These words by writer Robin Sharma are encouraging. “What you focus on grows, what you think about expands.” Striving to master the skill of Empathic Awareness of the value of yourself and others is a very worthy life goal. As we focus on it, it will expand.

Without the underlying perspective of valuing the other person, the communication skills of listening and speaking would be merely information exchange techniques—but what would actually be running through that exchange? Just information? The answer should be a heart to value and appreciate another human being. For when it’s all said and done, most would agree that one of the highest values of life is having good relationships.

Summary:

Empathic Awareness of the value and dignity of myself and others is the starting point for good communication to take place.

The 4 Steps of Empathic Awareness Skill:

1. Recognize your own inherent value and dignity as a person.
2. Recognize the inherent value and dignity of the other person , that they are likewise worthy of respect.
3. Create the desire in your mind to want to listen and relate to them.
4. Think of the positives in your relationship with the other person.

Self-Evaluation:

(Pause now and take a few minutes to consider these questions deeply, then jot down your answers in a notebook or on a sheet of paper for quick reference)

1. Based on this chapter, with a rating of 1 = low, 2, 3, 4, 5 = high, how would I honestly rate my Empathic Awareness of the unique and special value and dignity of:
   • Myself?
   • People close to me (family, friends, etc.)?
   • People at work?
   • People in general?
2. Is Empathic Awareness Skill something I want/need to be more conscious of and better at?
   • Yes
   • No
   • Somewhat
   • Not Sure
3. If yes or somewhat, what aspects of Empathic Awareness Skill do I want to improve and grow?
4. What actions will I take to improve my Empathic Awareness Skill, and with whom?

Now let’s look at how well we listen to others when they are speaking to us…