part0015

In every class I’ve ever taught, and I’ve taught many and continue to, it’s the Listening Skill where the greatest “aha” moments happen for the class participants. Most come to the same realization that I did—that their listening skills have not been very good and can be greatly improved.

As I mentioned earlier, I was trained and certified to teach several communication skills courses. Each course focuses on listening skills in one way or another. It’s called by many names—reflective listening, active listening, power listening, etc. In any case, they each highlight the importance of being empathic to the speaker, quieting your own mind and putting yourself in their shoes so that you accurately understand them and they feel understood.

One of the most common complaints among couples in the field of relationship enrichment is, “He doesn’t listen to me,” and, “She doesn’t listen to me.” In fact, they’re probably both right, and, not surprisingly, this can create a wall of separation between them that gets thicker over time. They routinely misunderstand each other, leading to feelings of hurt and frustration, and one or both of them either give up and stop trying or break off the relationship altogether.

But what I’ve seen in many cases, when they learn and practice the listening skills, is that they each come to the conclusion that their partner was right, that they hadn’t been listening as well as they could, and that they each need to become better listeners.

As one woman admitted during a class, “I thought it was his problem of not listening to me, and that’s why I was so frustrated. But I realized that I hadn’t been listening well to him either. A lot of the problem was me .”

In the instances when couples, or even one of the partners, come to that realization, the door is then open for them to put that realization into practice by making changes in behavior that can grow and, in some cases, even save their relationship.

I remember one instance at the end of a communication skills class when this young lady, with her husband sitting next to her, stood up and appreciated the course and getting to know everyone and said, “You all didn’t know this, but before we came to this class my husband and I decided we had had enough of each other and were going to file for a divorce.” This surprised everyone. She continued, “We have three small children, but we felt we just couldn’t take it anymore. But after attending this class, and especially learning the listening skills, we both realized we had been poor listeners and misunderstood each other a lot, which just made things worse and worse. We now have a skill that will help us listen better. We have hope now to make a new start together as a couple and family.”

This is the power of Empathic Listening—it can help make a healthy relationship even better, and it can help a relationship that’s veered off track move back into a positive direction.

Step 1: Quiet your mind and focus on the other person as they are speaking. Put yourself in their world, look from their point of view.

This means not only being silent and not speaking when the other person is talking but also quieting your mind from distracting thoughts that prevent you from really listening. I’ve certainly found this to be a challenge myself, and I assume you have also. When the other person is speaking, it’s easy to mentally drift away or think, When will they get to the point? or, I wonder what’s for lunch , or glance at the clock on the wall to get the time, etc.

These distractions take us away from being fully present in the here and now and receptive to what the speaker is saying. It takes conscious awareness, self-discipline, and practice to focus correctly and consistently on the other person while they’re speaking. We need to remind ourselves throughout the day of its importance and make the effort. As we listen to what the other person is saying, focusing on their underlying feelings about what they’re saying, and try to get “locked in” to their perspective, the peripheral distractions will start to disappear.

Step 2: Listen fully and openly to what they are saying , in their words and body language, without bias, defensiveness or thinking about what you’ll say next. Actively listen.

Interpersonal communication has been the subject of several research studies over the years. Perhaps not surprisingly, they have concluded that the majority of interpersonal communication is non-verbal, meaning communication is not simply the processing of words. What the research found is that facial expression, body language, tone of voice, posture, eye contact or lack of it say a lot.

For example, if someone is saying, “You’re great,” or, “That was a really smart thing to do,” but they roll their eyes sarcastically, what are they really saying? Something other than what was implied by their words alone. Thus, we might listen more through our eyes than through our ears ! All the more reason to listen intently to what the other person is saying and conveying to us. As we do so, well more likely get the full meaning of what they’re communicating.

Also, listening without bias or defensiveness or thinking what we’ll say next really comes into play when we may be having a conversation involving high emotions, differences of opinion or an argument. In those cases, it’s easy to slip into preparing our response or rebuttal rather than listening clearly and fully to what the other person is saying.

If, for example, you’re talking to me about something I disagree with you on, and I’m simply thinking about my response or rebuttal to what you’re saying and not fully listening to you, then I might respond to something you didn’t really say or intend because I wasn’t listening!

I’ve seen this problem with many couples in my classes. Because they didn’t listen fully to each other, they often misunderstood what the other was saying and implying, which led to even greater misunderstandings and feelings of hurt, anger, and even resentment—all because they weren’t fully listening to each other in the first place.

Oftentimes correcting this one thing enabled the couples to communicate much more easily with each other and discuss and work through topics of disagreement much more successfully. Issues that had been hang ups and huge problems for them were often dealt with and resolved simply by slowing down the process to hear each other fully.

Step 3: Listen “ through the words ” to the deeper thoughts and feelings that you sense from the speaker.

Keep in mind that emotions are feelings—they are not in word form. When someone wants to express in words what they are feeling (their wants, desires, concerns, etc.) they take those feelings and cycle them through their brain to try to come up with the best words (vocabulary) to explain those feelings in a coherent way. The words they choose and the sentences they say are the best they can come up with in the moment. If you listen only to the words then you might miss a lot of the underlying meaning.

Only a small percentage of an iceberg is above the water line. Most of it is underneath and unseen. Likewise, if I listen only to the words you say, and with only my definition of those words, then I might get only a surface understanding of what you’re trying to communicate. But if I try to listen through the words to grasp your underlying meaning and intent of the words, I have a greater chance of getting to and understanding your deeper thoughts and feelings.

For example, if you tell me you just lost your job but that you’re confident you’ll get another one soon and I only listen to your words, I might conclude that you’ve only hit a minor bump in the road and you’re not too bothered by it. But if I see the worry on your face and hear your wavering tone of voice and listen through the words to the reality that you just lost your primary source of income, that all adds up to me that you’re far more concerned about your situation than your surface words of confidence alone would seem to indicate.

A few years back, my daughter was working on her thesis for graduate school and when we’d meet for lunch or a chat, she would say that it was going “Okay”. But on this one occasion, I saw her biting her lip (something she would do when she was nervous) and look to the side and not in my eyes when she was talking. I knew that writing her thesis and all the research was stressful, but at that moment I realized that it was much more stressful and emotionally taxing than I had initially thought. Maybe it wasn’t “okay” after all.

The conversation easily could have moved on from there, but I could see that there may be more to the story. I asked her about her advisor and she said, “She didn’t really like some of my ideas, so I need to go back and research more … again.” She let out a sigh and her shoulders started to hunch. Now, an option for me to respond would have been, “Well, that’s great that you can go and keep moving with another idea.”

But that wasn’t really the point here. As I kept listening “through her words”, it was clear that she felt defeated and was losing confidence in her ability to write a successful thesis. I didn’t give any advice, I just listened. And after I took the time to listen to her and support her, I could tell she felt more relieved. She felt more comfortable to open up about her frustrations and was able to use me as a sounding board to talk through her challenges and come up with her own solutions.

Ultimately, with her new sense of confidence, she did go back and continued to research, developed her argument further, got approval from her advisor, produced a wonderful thesis, and got her master’s degree. But the point of the story is, in the moment when she was feeling down, I was able to listen to her with empathy, and that’s what she needed at that time.

Listening is really a very active act. It’s not simply where you throw the words (active) and I catch the words (passive). Rather, it’s you throw the words (active) and I reach out with my mind and senses to catch the essence of what you’re saying and implying (active). Thus, sincere Empathic Listening is really an adventure—it’s reaching out and into, striving to understand the depth of what the speaker is communicating from their point of view.

Step 4: Don’t interrupt them as they are speaking to you or try to finish their sentences. Just listen!

Interrupting other people when they are speaking is a major communication problem. Almost everyone I’ve known and those I’ve taught in my classes admit that they sometimes (or often) do this—they think they are showing empathy by ‘engaging’ the speaker by talking while the speaker is talking or they think this will help speed up the conversation.

In one of my women’s classes in federal prison, I had the women pair up to have a practice conversation about a person they admire and why. My instruction was that they would choose who would go first, and that person would speak and their partner would listen intently without interrupting them.

After a few minutes of the first person speaking, I asked the pairs to switch roles so that the speaker became the listener, and the listener became the speaker. After several minutes of doing this, I brought the class back together and asked, “What was that like?” One of the ladies said, “It was so difficult for me not to butt in to what she was saying. I’d always thought if we’re not both talking at the same time, the other person would think I’m not engaged in the conversation.” I asked her partner what it felt like to be listened to without interruption. She smiled and said, “We’ve been friends for quite a while, and this is the first time I felt she heard everything I wanted to say.” They both chuckled, but the message was clear. She finally felt listened to and understood. This was an important lesson for everyone—the power of Empathic Listening.

On another occasion, I’ll never forget what a pastor’s wife said in a small class I taught a few years ago. It was a class of six pastor couples who had gotten together at a church for communication skills training.

I had just taught them the listening skill when one of the wives turned to her husband (senior pastor of their church) and said, “I’m tired of talking to you!” He looked at her stunned, and the rest of us were stunned too. He asked, “Why?” and she said, “Every time I try to tell you something, you go and try to finish my sentence!” “Well, I think I know where you’re going to go with that,” he said, to which she replied, “Well, let me get there!”

Let the speaker finish what they’re saying—don’t jump in and try to finish their sentence even if you think it’s helpful; it will only cut them off and make it your statement instead of theirs. They’ve got the floor, let them get to their own finish line. They will appreciate it, and greater understanding will result from it.

Step 5: Say back to them, in your own words, what they said and their feelings that you sensed from them to make sure you understand them correctly and they feel understood.

This is a powerful aspect of Empathic Listening. When you say back to the speaker the essence of what you heard them say, this accomplishes two things: 1) it helps confirm that you heard what they said and meant—that you got it correctly and you understand them, and 2) it helps the speaker know what they sounded like, what they communicated. They may think they explained themselves fully, but by your feedback—saying back in your own words what they said—they will clearly know if it was enough or if they need to explain more.

Also, when the speaker hears their own content coming back to them from the listener, it gives them assurance that you were really listening, that you cared enough to make sure you understood them correctly. That’s very reinforcing and validating to the speaker—that what they said was important enough to be heard and that you took them seriously enough to get it right.

This also avoids pitfalls of misunderstanding. For example, if you tell me something important and I only nod my head, you might get the impression that I understood everything you wanted to communicate. But how would you know just by my head nod? Who knows, I might be nodding at an incorrect understanding of what you said. To avoid this error, my saying back the main points of what I heard you say and the feelings I sensed from you makes it clear whether I got it right or not, and if I didn’t get it right, then you can correct me. So my saying back the essence of what you said helps us be on the same page of what you were trying to communicate to me.

Speaker with a down expression on her face and in her voice: “Our dog died yesterday. We had her for 15 years. She was a wonderful dog, a member of our family.”

Speaker with enthusiasm: “We had the best time ever in the mountains—clear blue skies, beautiful scenery, fresh air—I loved it!”

Speaker appearing frustrated: “My job is really rough right now—so many tasks to do and so little time to get them done.”

As the listener, notice that your responses simply indicate that you empathically heard and felt what the speaker was communicating. You’re not fixing anything, providing a solution or even trying to encourage and reassure them—you’re simply listening with empathy and connecting with their thoughts and emotions. In that moment, the speaker feels, “Someone understands me,” and that’s the point. Your suggestions, reassurance, etc., can be expressed after—but first it’s important to connect with their emotion and their feelings, that’s the key of empathy.

Oftentimes, just by you being a good listener the speaker can express their thoughts and feelings, sort out what’s on their mind, and even come to their own resolutions about what they need to do, and all you did was listen. As noted American psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”

When there are so many emotions swirling inside a person, they have the need to express those feelings in words in order for them to actually hear and understand more clearly what’s going on inside their own minds and hearts. They may need to talk it out so that they can see all the pieces and how they fit together before their emotions make sense to them. In that case, if you’re the listener, it’s helpful to simply listen. You don’t need to offer advice or say what you would do in their situation, etc.—just listen. Your good listening provides a sounding board for them to hear what they’re thinking and helps them become clearer in their own minds.

Sometimes a spouse, partner, parent or co-worker might wonder in frustration about a person close to them who they wish would express themselves more and share their feelings with them. “Why won’t they talk to me? Why don’t they tell me what’s on their mind, what they’re concerned about? Why are they so quiet?” There may be several reasons and one might be that they’re not sure it’s safe to say what they want to say without being misunderstood, ridiculed, or deluged with a lot of unsolicited advice or suggestions. If they’ve experienced some of those things in the past, they are liable to clam up, be silent, and keep their thoughts to themselves. In their mind, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

One possible reason the person may be quiet and not talking is that they may be harboring a hurt or resentment about something you may have said or done recently or in the past. You want them to open up, but they are reluctant to do so. A sincere apology may be the key to unlock the door.

A woman in one of my classes had a hard time getting her teenage son to open up to her about what was going on in his life and the challenges he was having. She would say to him, “Why won’t you talk to me? I want to know what’s going on with you. I want to be helpful.” But he wouldn’t budge. She was frustrated and even getting angry about it.

But one evening as she sat and pondered the situation, she reflected on some of the things she had been learning in the class. She then considered his perspective by putting herself in his shoes. She realized her own behavior may have caused his silence. I need to say something, she thought to herself. She approached him and said, “I’ve been learning some communication skills in a class I’m taking, and I’ve come to realize that the way I communicated was very poor on many occasions.” She continued, “I want you to know that I love you. You mean the world to me. If I’ve said or done some things in the past that hurt you, I’m sorry.” Her son listened, sensed her sincerity, and started to share some instances where he felt put down, misunderstood, scolded for no reason, etc., and she listened. He vented a lot. She didn’t push back, react, or offer excuses, she simply listened.

Ultimately, he needed to get those things off his chest, and she needed to hear it. Her apology triggered the opportunity, and he felt listened to and understood. After that experience, the clouds in their relationship began to disappear. They are communicating more and better now, and their relationship is on the upswing.

If a person you want to communicate with is non-responsive to or even rejecting your attempts at conversation, review in your mind if there were any recent occasions where you may have hurt their feelings or caused them distress in some way. If so, that may be a major reason, if not the reason, for their reluctance to communicate. You may need to express an apology. An apology can often work wonders to clear the air and enable honest, candid communication to flow and relationships to renew.

Here’s another issue that often comes up in communication. In many relationships, one of the partners tends to be the one who handles many of the physical tasks that require tools and know-how; in other words, they’re “the fixer”.

Some people tend to be “trained fixers”—they expect to be the go-to persons to get those physical tasks done. I’m a trained fixer. If my wife says, “Honey, the light is off in the hallway,” I know that’s my cue to go and fix it and I say, “Okay, honey, I’ll get it,” and then I get the ladder, climb up and remove the glass cover, unscrew the old bulb, screw in the new bulb, replace the glass cover—done. She tells me the problem, and without even asking me, I know I’m expected to fix it and am happy to do so. And when I do fix it, I receive the spoken or implied response, “Thank you, honey, I appreciate that.”

But if you’re the expected and designated fixer in the relationship, you find out it can be quite a different story when your partner says something like, “I really had a rough time at work today. There’s a lot of work to be done and there’s only one of me to do it. I’m really feeling the pressure,” and you naturally then slide into fix-it mode. You quickly cycle what they said in your mind and think this:

In my case, having quickly cycled that scenario through my brain, I would likely say to my wife, “This is what I think you should do…” And before I’m finished, she says, “Why do you always try to fix things when I’m talking to you? Why can’t you just listen?” Whoa, I stop in my tracks. But wait a minute, I don’t understand, when she told me about fixing things around the house, those were problems I was expected to fix. Telling me those problems was instruction enough that I was being asked to get them fixed. But telling me this other kind of problem was apparently not a fix-it situation.

Here’s what I’ll often tell my class: “Some people are trained fixers. You tell them a problem, and they think you’re doing so because you want them to help you fix it. If you want them to just listen to you, then tell them so. Say something like, ‘I’m having a problem at work and I want to tell you about it, but I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.’” Then the fixer is off the hook—they are not expected to be in fix-it mode but in listen-mode only. And if you’re the fixer, to your surprise you may find that your listening itself actually helped them fix their own problem because you enabled them to vocalize their problem, hear themselves speak, get a clearer understanding of their issue, and come to their own conclusions as to what needed to be done. In other words, you provided a sounding board for them to work out their own solution.

When to use Empathic Listening Skill:

These are all cases where we want to intentionally and empathically listen to really understand what the other person is saying and meaning so that there’s no misunderstanding each other.

Especially, you will want to use Empathic Listening Skill when trust is low in the relationship—when you have some doubts and friction between you. For example, if either or both of you have said hurtful things to each other or have given the cold shoulder to each other. In those cases, it’s easy to misunderstand or prejudge what the other person is saying or implying, which would then make matters worse.

Empathic Listening—especially saying back the essence of what you heard the other person say—will slow down the conversation, help avoid misunderstandings, and get you closer to understanding each other correctly. Such listening can help rebuild openness and trust and ultimately help in arriving at resolutions and possibly reviving the relationship if it’s been down.