Chapter 6

Listening Blocks to Effective Communication

Things that get in the way of listening well, and we may not even realize we’re doing them.

There are many blocks that can interfere with listening effectively, and we need to be aware of them in our communication with others. Here are some of the most common ones:

• Mind Reading – Thinking you already know what they are thinking and saying without really listening to them. Such as thinking, I’ve heard all this before—same old stuff. Mind reading prevents you from having an open mind to hear what the person is saying now.
• Rehearsing – Thinking of how you will respond instead of being fully present and hearing what they are saying now. Such as, I know exactly what I’m going to tell her when her lips stop moving. Rehearsing means you’re listening to your own thoughts instead of theirs.
• Filtering – Selective Listening – Hearing only what you want to hear instead of what they’re actually saying. Such as thinking, I like these points they’re saying (while I’m ignoring the ones I don’t like). Filtering blocks out things that may be uncomfortable for you to hear, but the speaker wants you to hear and understand.
• Daydreaming – Thinking of other things while someone is talking to you. Spacing out! “Hmm, I wonder where I’ll go for dinner tonight?” Not being present and totally missing what is being said.
• Advising – Jumping in with your unsolicited suggestions or solutions to their problem when all they want you to do is listen. “I don’t think you’re doing it right; what I’d do in that situation is…” Advising, though well-intended, can actually take over the conversation when the speaker simply wants to be heard and have their feelings empathized with.
• Judging – Analyzing, critiquing, and contesting what the speaker is saying, rather than simply listening to try to understand their point of view. Thinking, “No, you’ve got it wrong, that’s not how I see it!”
• Condescending – The One Upper – Overriding what the other person is saying. “That’s nothing… Wait till you hear what happened to ME!” Condescending can make the other person feel that what they had to say wasn’t important and that your story was better than theirs. This can feel like a putdown to the speaker.

Self-Reflection:

Which of the above Listening Blocks do I do?

Rate them: Often – Sometimes – Rarely – Not at all

How to Avoid these Listening Blocks:

Each of these listening blocks takes you away from quieting your mind and focusing on what the speaker is saying and feeling in the here and now. The best way to avoid these blocks is to practice Empathic Listening Skill, especially Step 1— Quiet your mind and focus on the other person as they are speaking to you. As you do, these listening blocks will start to disappear and be replaced with good, effective listening.

In these past two chapters, we reviewed do’s and don’ts of effective listening to others, now let’s look at how we can effectively express ourselves…