Chapter 8

Expressing Yourself When You’re Upset

We all experience moments when someone does or says something that upsets us. When that happens, it’s easy to get angry and frustrated and react by saying or doing something that we’ll probably regret or we close down, bury our feelings, and feel resentful about it. Either way, those are negative reactions that produce negative consequences.

An alternative is to pause , take a breath, and express your feelings without accusing and inflammatory language, tone of voice or demeanor.

An XYZ Statement is an excellent method for expressing how you feel and what you want, with the use of the “I-Statement” discussed earlier. Here’s how it flows:

XYZ Statement Worksheet

Fill in the blanks (or on a sheet of paper write):

X – “When you (name their words or actions)…

Y – (name the situation or incident)…

Z – “I felt (name your feelings about it)…

Examples of an XYZ Statement:

Example 1:

XYZ: “When you yelled at me (X) when we were discussing our finances this morning (Y), I felt very misunderstood and hurt by that (Z).”

Result: This XYZ message communicates clearly your feelings of being misunderstood and hurt but expressed in a non-attacking way.

Better than saying: “Stop yelling at me, you jerk!”

Example 2:

XYZ: “When you didn’t come home when you said you would (X), I thought something bad had happened to you (Y), and I felt really worried (Z).”

Result: This XYZ message expresses your feelings of being worried without berating the person for not calling you.

Better than saying: “You’re so inconsiderate! Why didn’t you call me to say you’d be late?”

Example 3:

XYZ: “When you were late submitting the report (X), I got behind in my own work (Y), and I’m very upset and angry about that (Z).”

Result: This XYZ message expresses how upset you are and what you want in the future but doesn’t demean the person you’re speaking to.

Better than saying: “What’s wrong with you—can’t you get your reports in on time?”

Keep the Problem the Problem

When a problem arises between two people, it’s very easy for one person to think the other person is the problem. However, if we think that way and make the other person “the problem” then we in effect dehumanize them – i.e., we perceive them no longer as a person, but as a problem that needs to be fixed. No wonder they react against what we want or say in that moment because they don’t want to be disrespectfully treated like that (and neither would we).

The better and more accurate way to proceed is to think, “I have a problem with this person’s behavior that I need to talk with them about.” This puts the problem in the third position separate from yourself and the other person. This then enables two human beings who fundamentally respect each other to more mindfully and thoughtfully discuss the issue of concern. By proceeding in this manner, especially using Empathic Speaking and Listening Skills and a tool like the XYZ Statement, the conversation is more likely to be constructive with a positive outcome more possible.

The Problem with Silence

We’ve all heard the phrase “Silence is golden.” While that may be true in some instances, when it comes to effective communication, silence can be a problem.

For example, if you’re upset at me about something I said or did but you don’t say anything about it, I may not automatically get the message of what’s bothering you.

We’ve seen this in other forms of communication, or miscommunication, such as in emails or phone text messages—you send a message to a person and don’t hear anything back and then think, They didn’t respond—did they not get the message, or are they angry about what I communicated? I have no idea.

Remove all doubt. Try to communicate your feelings and what’s on your mind clearly so that the other person knows. Again, an XYZ Statement is an excellent way to do so.

But What if They React and Push Back?

After you’ve delivered your XYZ Statement pause for the listener’s response to what you have said. If they received your XYZ Statement well and agree to modify or correct the behavior that bothered or upset you, then it was a successful communication. However, if they react and push back against your statement, then listen empathically to their response so that you understand them and they feel heard and understood. Then, after empathically listening to them like that, you can restate your XYZ Statement if that is still how you feel. You may need to go back and forth like this several times until you both achieve a level of mutual understanding of how to deal with the issue, and perhaps problem-solve the situation where one or both of you agree to make some behavior modifications to achieve a satisfactory resolution.

Benefits of an XYZ Statement

The key to remember here is that an XYZ Statement enables you to express yourself clearly—your thoughts, feelings, concerns, desires—but in a calm, non-accusatory way that creates a greater possibility of the listener responding in ways you hope they will.

Self-Reflection:

Think of something someone did or said recently that bothered or upset you (your spouse, child, co-worker, etc.). Now, on a sheet of paper write down an XYZ Statement using the wording below:

X – “When you (name their words or actions) …

Y – (name the situation or incident) …

Z – “I felt (name your feelings about it) …

Then pick the right time and place to express your XYZ Statement to them in a calm, non-accusatory manner.