Chapter 9

Key 4: Empathic Dialogue

Communication Skills slow down the conversation to enable understanding to happen faster.

The Skill: Put Empathic Speaking and Empathic Listening together to create Empathic Dialogue , which is going back and forth speaking and listening to each other using the skills.

Communication skills take time and effort to do properly, but their value is that they slow down the communication process to enable mutual understanding of each other to happen more quickly.

You can use Empathic Speaking and Empathic Listening Skills to talk through a wide range of topics, whatever the emotion. One person speaks and the other person listens with empathy, and then you switch and the speaker becomes the listener, the listener becomes the speaker, and the conversation goes back and forth in this fashion until you both have communicated what you need to on the topic.

In a heated discussion, if even one person in the relationship understands and uses the skills, it will generally calm down the conversation and have a positive effect on how their dialogue unfolds even if the other person has no knowledge or experience of using the skills.

Also, Empathic Dialogue is not simply for discussing problem issues where emotions are running high. It can be used for discussing any topic—happy, sad, upset, curious—whatever. The key is to respectfully listen and speak to each other where each person feels heard and understood.

Below are some sample dialogue topic ideas for couples, for talking with your child, your adult child, and in the workplace. I’m sure you can come up with many more topics in which to use the empathic communication skills we’ve covered in this book.

Dialogue Topics for Couples
Time Together	Go on a Date	Child/Children
Parenting Styles	Finances	Budget
Job/Work	Problem/Issue	Hurt/Anger/ Fear
Inspirations	Faith/Church	Life Goals
World News	Volunteerism	Health
Recreation/ Exercise	Hobbies	Reading/Books
Relatives	Friends	Vacation
Walks in Nature	Dreams/ Aspirations	and more!

Dialogue Topics with Your Child (considering the child’s age – i.e., very young up to late teen)
School	Friends	Hopes/Dreams
Hobbies	Toys	Video Games
Sports	Worries/Fears	Challenges
Favorite Foods	Favorite Book	Favorite Movie
Fun Thing to Do	Favorite Places to Go	and more!

Dialogue Topics with Your Adult Child
School	Job/Work	Hobbies
Friends	Hopes/Dreams	Life Goals
Wants	Needs	Worries/Fears
Challenges	Finances	Politics
Social Issues	Environmental Issues	Future Plans
Favorite Foods	Favorite Book	Favorite Movie
Fun Thing to Do	Favorite Places to Go	and more!

Dialogue Topics for the Workplace (with appropriate personnel—i.e., manager, co-worker, etc.)
Meeting Agendas	New Project	Reports Due
Getting Assistance	Appreciation	Work Sharing
Team Goals	Problem/Issue	Hurt/Anger/Fear
Inspirations	Innovation	Supplies
Cleanliness	Loud Talking	Workplace Safety
Complaints	Tardiness	Work Overload
Worries	Salary Increase	Frustrations
Work-Life Balance	Future Plans	and more!

Talking Through Tough Issues

These communication skills we’ve covered are especially useful in helping couples and individuals dialogue successfully through difficult, emotionally-laden topics. The skills help keep the conversation safe and on track.

A few years ago, during one of my classes, I asked couples to use the speaking and listening skills they had just learned to dialogue in their twosomes and work through a minor problem they had.

After about 20 minutes, I asked for the class to regather as a group. I then asked how their dialogues went and if any pairs were able to arrive at a resolution to the problem they discussed. After a few responses, one fellow raised his hand and said, “We used the skills and worked through an issue, but the skills take a long time to do—one person speaks, and the other listens and says back what they heard, then we switched roles, and the other person spoke, and the other person listened, and then we repeated that process. I mean it takes a long time to go back and forth like that. I’m not sure that’s going to be very realistic to do in real life.”

I asked how long they had that problem going on in their relationship, and he said, “Oh, we’ve been dealing with that thing for about 5 years!” As soon as he said it, he realized that 20 minutes of skilled communication producing a resolution was far more effective and faster than 5 years of frequent non-skilled communication without a resolution.

To this very point, Stephen Covey said, “Empathic listening takes time, but it doesn’t take anywhere near as much time as it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings when you’re already miles down the road; to redo; to live with unexpressed and unresolved problems; to deal with the results of not giving people psychological air.”

In order for the skills to work, it takes time and practice to use them well. Over time, their use gets easier and more of a habit and preferred way to speak and listen. Skills become habits through our practice, and habits eventually become our behavior and the way we will more naturally prefer to communicate. So it’s important to practice the skills correctly from the beginning.

Self-Reflection:

Who should I have a conversation with and about what?

(Write down: Name – Topic – When – Result)

Schedule the time to have these conversations as soon as possible and actually do them.

Helpful Tip: Put this information in whatever you use to schedule and accomplish your daily activities, such as in your cell phone calendar or day planner, so that the information is clearly seen and not out of sight and out of mind.