Here’s a chance to apply in your life what you’ve read in this book. Try the 7 + 7 + 7 plan and watch your struggling marriage find new life or your good marriage get even better!
These questions are designed to discuss with your spouse and also with a group. If you need assistance in starting or facilitating a group, please call 800-NEW-LIFE and ask to speak the director of group support.
As you read these questions, look for what you can learn about yourself rather than what you hope your spouse will notice and respond to.
WEEK 1
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/intro
Chapter 1: STOP CLINGING to Unrealistic Expectations
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/1
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• What unrealistic expectations did you bring into the marriage? Or, put differently, what issues had you not thought through or talked through? Consider mutual goals, compatibility on practical matters, values, religion, backgrounds, parentage, economic expectations, children, anger, and so on.
• What are you doing to let go of those unhelpful expectations?
• Read these sentences carefully: “Many perceived flaws in your mate are likely nothing more than unmet expectations on your own part. He may never earn the money to live in the style you hoped for, or she may not have the cooking skills or sexual interest you dreamed of.” Acknowledge a specific instance of this, apologize to your spouse, and ask God to help you let go of that toxic expectation—and any others you have.
• What gender differences have caused sparks—or worse? What about those differences can you see being a blessing in some way?
• Now consider differences in family background and upbringing. Each of you name one difference you’ve had to work through (household chores, holiday celebrations, extended family, and so on) and what has helped.
APPLICATION
Grieve the loss of the fantasy marriage so you can accept the reality of what you have. Seek God to fulfill you and heal you rather than expect your spouse to do what only God can do.
Turn to page 16, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Stop Clinging to Unrealistic Expectations.”
Chapter 8: START EMBRACING Friendship and Fun
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/8
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Remind your spouse of a time when laughter defused tension, turned a situation into good, or lifted your spirits. Then switch and let your spouse share an experience of laughter.
• What things give you the chance to laugh with each other? Also, what couple(s) do you both find it easy to laugh and have fun with?
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• Friends focus on common things they enjoy. Think back to the early days of your relationship. What did you do then that was fun for both of you?
• What new fun things have you discovered since you got married—or might you try after listening to others in the group?
APPLICATION
Remember two things. First, activity and exertion outside the bedroom often lead to more sexual activity in the bedroom. Second, the couple that plays together stays together.
Turn to page 108, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Is Resistant to Having Fun.”
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse whose birthday is nearer to your anniversary reports in first.
_____________________________
Chapter 2: STOP OBSESSING on the Past
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/2
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• The most destructive choice you can make in the face of a repentant offender is to hold the past against him or her. Gently tell your spouse what he/she does—if anything—to make you feel as if your past is being held against you. If this isn’t an issue, be grateful—and move on to the next question.
• Whether you are obsessing, your past is being obsessed about, or neither, what instruction do you personally hear in Jesus’ Golden Rule: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you” (Matthew 7:12)? Give a few examples of what treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated would look like today … and tomorrow.
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• What have you done—and/or what could you do—to become an expert on your mate’s hurts? Be specific about the what, not about the hurts.
• In what ways do you extend grace to your spouse when he/she hurts you?
APPLICATION
Trust always involves risk. We must plunge in and trust and love and forgive with no absolute certainty that we will never be hurt again. It is the only way to restore a relationship and the only way to have a strong marriage.
Turn to page 29, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Stop Obsessing on Your Past.”
Chapter 9: START RESPONDING Romantically to Your Mate
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/9
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Romance must be a way of life. What can you do to put your spouse first and to show him/her you are aware of his/her needs? You’ll find some ideas on pages 115–16, and ask your spouse to identify his/her favorites.
• What can you do to become more able to communicate—or more comfortable communicating—your sexual needs and preferences?
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• What one truth about sex do you wish you’d known before you said “I do”?
• Men and women tend to separate romance from sex, whereas the two are meant to intertwine. Brainstorm some ways to interweave romance and sex in a marriage.
APPLICATION
Sexual satisfaction comes from investing in the other person’s joy and pleasure. It doesn’t come from seeking to gratify yourself. Simply put, the key to satisfying sex is for both of you to learn to expect nothing but to enjoy what is given.
Turn to page 122, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If You and Your Spouse Are Not Experiencing Sexual Satisfaction.”
WEEK 3
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse whose birthday is closer to today’s date speaks first.
_____________________________
Chapter 3: STOP DROWNING in Suspicion and Jealousy
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/3
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• If trusting your spouse doesn’t come easily, what unresolved experience from your past may be fueling it? (See pages 32–33 for a few possibilities.)
• What, if anything, are you doing to cause your spouse not to trust you? (Your spouse may be able to help you identify certain behaviors.) Take responsibility, correct the issue, and do what you need to do to rebuild trust.
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• If distrust exists in a marriage, what positive steps can spouses take to uncover the causes and then work on those issues to rebuild trust?
• The best marriages are those in which each spouse builds trust and acts to preserve trust and repair it when it is breached. What acts build trust? What behaviors maintain trust? And what are ways to repair trust when it is breached?
Your willingness to take firm steps to maintain trust not only speaks volumes, but also makes your mate feel highly valued and protected.
Turn to page 40, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Stop Drowning in Suspicion and Jealousy.”
Chapter 10: START EXPRESSING Grace and Forgiveness
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/10
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• When you were growing up, what did you learn about accepting responsibility for your wrong and hurtful behaviors? About asking forgiveness? About granting forgiveness? How do those lessons help or hurt your marriage?
• What have you learned in your marriage about the wisdom of Jesus’ teaching to put no limits on forgiveness? And what has marriage taught you about the freedom that comes with forgiving as well as with being forgiven?
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• To forgive yet allow destructive behavior to continue is called enabling, or codependence. Forgiving means setting boundaries for future behavior and requiring change—and even, in appropriate cases, reparation. Give an example—hypothetical or real-life—of forgiveness and boundaries going hand in hand.
• Why do you think we find it hard to forgive ourselves? What truths and/or practices have helped you forgive yourself?
APPLICATION
Instead of taking offense, choose to forgive your spouse and extend grace to him or her every day.
Turn to page 132, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Does Not Express Grace and Forgiveness.”
WEEK 4
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse whose first name has fewer letters goes first.
_____________________________
Chapter 4: STOP TRYING to Change Your Mate
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/4
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Consider the things you tend to criticize or nag your spouse about. Be specific as you apologize right now. After both of you have an opportunity to do that, identify any issues (running up the credit card, addiction, etc.) that may actually threaten your marriage.
• You should not set out to change your mate without looking first in the mirror. What change in yourself is at the top of your list?
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• Saying “I do” tends to gradually turn slightly irritating or even charming idiosyncrasies into big annoyances. Why do you think that happens? What can we do to stop being annoyed by what once didn’t bother us so much?
• What is the value of accepting the fact that some of the things that bother you about your mate will never change? In what ways will you, your spouse, and your relationship benefit?
APPLICATION
Rather than pray for God to change your spouse, pray that God would give you the supernatural ability to be more accepting of your spouse. Acceptance does not change your mate into the tidy or punctual or financially responsible or ___________ mate you wish he/she were. But acceptance does change you, enabling you to love your mate in spite of the flaws.
Turn to page 51, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Stop Trying to Change You.”
Chapter 11: START AFFIRMING Your Mate’s Strengths
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/11
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• To receive acceptance and affirmation, you must give acceptance and affirmation. So turn to your spouse right now and list three things you love about his/her personality. Then affirm three of his/her strengths that you appreciate.
• What could your mate do to help you be more comfortable in your own skin without having to worry that you’re being continually monitored for acceptability? Be specific—and coach your spouse gently.
• When has someone’s acceptance of you given you the freedom to grow, change, or accomplish something? Why does acceptance have that effect on people—including spouses?
• Marital unfaithfulness; physical, mental, or psychological abuse; illegal behaviors or addictions, as to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or pornography—these must not be tolerated. If you find yourself facing one of those issues, you must not accept the behavior, but you must accept the person who separates himself from the behavior. What would you require that separation from the behavior to entail?
APPLICATION
When you travel toward acceptance and affirmation, you flee from the impossible ideal and into the real. You identify and appreciate your spouse’s good qualities. Then, just as God in his grace covers our sins with his love, you have the privilege of covering the sins and flaws of your mate with your own love. Marriage is an opportunity God gives us to reflect the nature of Christ and to love as he does.
Turn to page 139, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Does Not Affirm Your Strengths.”
WEEK 5
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse who has lived more places reports in first.
_____________________________
Chapter 5: STOP SEETHING in Anger and Resentment
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/5
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• There are right ways and wrong ways to deal with anger. What did you learn about anger growing up? Was it good/bad, acceptable/forbidden? What did you see and therefore learn about how to handle anger?
• Consider two spiritual aspects of anger. First, most anger is rooted in self-centeredness, so logically the antidote to anger is humility. Second, good counsel for dealing with anger is “Act better than you feel”—and self-control, one of the fruits of the Spirit, enables us to act on that counsel. What apology, if any, does either of these statements prompt you to make to your spouse? Do so! What new or renewed effort will you make in response to one of these truths? If time allows, pray together right now about the issue of anger in your marriage.
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• What was your initial reaction to the statement (below)? Do you agree? Why or why not? Are there any exceptions? What did these sentences help you see about yourself?
Most of your anger is self-centered. You get angry because you want the world around you to be ordered in a certain way, and when you can’t have it that way, you do what an undisciplined child does: you throw a tantrum, pout, or start planning revenge. It’s all about you, your entitlement, and what you want right now.
• Listen; repeat your mate’s points; offer a rebuttal—this is the common approach to conflict resolution. What have you learned through the years about how to deal with anger, irritation, passive-aggressive behavior, the silent treatment, rage, and conflict? Share some ideas with the group.
APPLICATION
Take to heart Ephesians 4:31–32: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Consider memorizing this passage together with your spouse.
Turn to page 67, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Stop Seething in Anger and Resentment.”
Chapter 12: START SPENDING Money Responsibly
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/12
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Turn to page 142. Take a deep breath, say a silent prayer, and then together identify any tough choices you need to make, tough habits you need to break, false assumptions you need to give up, certain actions you need to surrender, or certain steps you need to take.
• If financial conflict is a reality for you and your spouse, try to identify some of the reasons for overspending (insecurity; the rush of freedom; be like your peers; hurt or resentment of spouse, etc.).
• This chapter addresses separate banking accounts, budgeting, credit-card debt, and savings. What insight or tip from this chapter did you find especially helpful?
• Why is it significant that everything in this universe belongs to God, including your money? What does that truth imply about the responsibility of spending and managing money? What are some of the benefits of tithing?
APPLICATION
Most couples face financial difficulty because they do little or no planning or exercise little or no discipline regarding the use of their money. Clarity in the area of finances, however, can lead you and your spouse to security and satisfaction that will benefit you for years to come.
Turn to page 154, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Doesn’t Spend Money Responsibly.”
WEEK 6
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse who knows more about current events goes first.
_____________________________
Chapter 6: STOP TOLERATING Compulsions and Addictions
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/6
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Talk about the difference between peacekeeper and peacemaker. Talk about the difference between hurt and harm. Then explain why you agree or disagree with this statement: “Inflicting pain on a spouse in order to address a harmful behavior can be a lifesaver for the marriage.”
• “Better than” morality exists across the board, not only in the areas of compulsions and addictions. Why is this thinking fallacious? And be honest with yourself if not with your spouse as well: where are you guilty of “better than” morality to justify your sin?
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• Think about people you know. What has kept/is keeping a friend in an unhealthy, dysfunctional, even dangerous relationship? Why do people in such situations often not hear their friends’ concerns about the spouse’s drinking, drug use, unfaithfulness, sexual addiction, or gambling?
• As someone has said, “Don’t expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.” That’s one reason why the only reliable way to address an addiction is through outside professional help. Why do people hesitate to get professional help? What are some good places to go for help—or to start looking?
APPLICATION
If you are dealing with a compulsion or an addiction, take firm steps of repentance and reform under the power of God’s Spirit. If your spouse is dealing with a compulsion or an addiction, look at him or her through God’s eyes, remind yourself that the sin is only one part of who your mate is, and then forgive as you want to be forgiven.
Turn to page 82, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Is Tolerating Your Compulsion or Addiction.”
Chapter 13: START PRACTICING Your Lifetime Vows
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/13
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Most broken marriage vows are the result of selfishness. What can you do to stand against these four categories of selfishness: routine, regret, rule-breaking, and risky choices? Review the discussion on pages 157–61.
• Marriage psychologist Dr. Willard F. Harley lists four basic areas of commitment designed to help couples fulfill their marriage vows and spark up their marriage: care, protection, honesty, and time. Why is each one of those areas of promise key to a lasting marriage? Along those same lines, what can you do to practice your vows? To get started, review the “Every time …” paragraphs for a husband and a wife on pages 160–61.
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• God looks upon a vow as an extremely serious thing; we as a culture don’t. Any inconvenience, any conflict, any problem, any loss of attractiveness or romantic feeling, or any appealing man or woman on the other side of the fence can often cause one partner to renege on the vow and break up the marriage. What can we as a culture, what can we as a church, what can each of us as a spouse do to strengthen or—perhaps more accurately—recover this respect for vows?
• Focusing on the last sentence, comment on this analysis of why marriages fail. Do you agree or disagree? And if you agree, what can be done about “unhappiness … coming from inside yourself”?
Breaking your wedding vow reveals the truth about your character. It says you are not a person of integrity; your word cannot be trusted. Without a strong commitment to personal integrity, you cannot be happy with yourself, and if you are unhappy with yourself, you cannot be happy with your spouse. While you don’t realize it, your unhappiness is not coming from your mate; it’s coming from inside yourself.
APPLICATION
As Mark Twain said, “It’s easier to stay out than get out.” Refusing to plunge into those risky choices before they get a grip on you is a big step toward remaining faithful in your marriage. Bottom line, to be person of integrity before God, you must practice your lifetime vows. You do it because you said you would.
Turn to page 167, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Is Not Practicing Your Lifetime Vows.”
WEEK 7
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse who has an easier time walking away from
chocolate reports in first.
_____________________________
Chapter 7: STOP FOCUSING Only on Your Interests
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/7
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• To what current issue in your life can you apply the guideline below? If nothing comes to mind, discuss the guideline’s value and perhaps even a time in the past when it would have been helpful.
In a mature relationship where love for the other prevails over self-interest, the question becomes not who wins or who is right, but rather what is right. What is best for my husband or my wife? For our marriage?
• Harmonious marriage requires self-interest to be subjected to or at least balanced with the happiness and well-being of the other. What little things can you do to improve your mate’s life or make your mate’s day better? What comforts or attentions does your spouse value that you could supply? Be creative!
• In what areas of life have you struggled most for self-interest to give way to “we interests”? What areas of selfishness has marriage been forcing out of you? Why does empathy help us self-centered human beings to die to self?
• What concept for marriage did you find new and/or helpful in this chapter’s discussion of the following?
Submission Surrender Headship
The analogy of pairs skating (pages 86–88)
APPLICATION
Submission of the wife says the same thing to her husband that the female skater says to her male partner: “I trust you. I have faith in you. You will support and protect me if I put myself in your hands.” Submission of the husband says the same thing to his wife that the male skating partner says to the female: “You are vital to this partnership. I honor you and support you fully as the center of all we work to accomplish together.” Mutual submission binds you together.
Turn to page 93, and each of you choose one thing to do this week from the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Stop Focusing Only on Self-Interest.”
Chapter 14: START SHOWING Respect No Matter What
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/14
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Look in the mirror—not your spouse’s mirror. What disrespectful words and ways do you need to apologize for and stop? Rudeness, thoughtlessness, ridicule, lack of appreciation, lack of interest in your spouse’s achievements, taking for granted his/her everyday work, breaching your spouse’s trust, failing to consider his/her feelings, shaming, blaming, ignoring, provoking, patronizing, dismissing, nagging, criticizing, and controlling have no place in a healthy marriage.
• On a more positive note, which of the following will you add to your repertoire this week? You might ask your spouse which two or three would mean the most: being courteous, speaking well of your spouse at all times, keeping confidences confidential, getting a calendar for birthday and anniversary, being punctual, affirming your mate’s good points, being generous with compliments about the internal as well as the external, honoring boundaries, and respecting his/her differing opinions and approaches. Right now sincerely affirm a couple of your mate’s good points and express gratitude for his/her everyday work.
• Share a time when your spouse’s expression of respect had you standing tall, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude, and/or falling more in love. And consider the converse: Why is disrespect in a marriage so destructive?
• An underlying cause of disrespect is objectification. When we objectify a person, we see him or her as an object—something to be used for our benefit, something that can be ignored, mistreated, or swept aside when they are not meeting a need. What can we do to see our mate as a marvelous gift of God, as the most precious being in your life, to be valued and cherished above all others? We naturally respect and treat well the things we value.
APPLICATION
We always treat well the things we value, and we will begin to value what we treat well. When you begin to treat your spouse with the respect due a being created in the image of God, there’s a good chance it will increase your respect for him or her. And in most cases your mate will respond by showing more respect to you.
What positive step will you take in response to today’s discussion? Some options are listed in the “7 Things to Do If Your Spouse Does Not Show Respect to You” on page 181.
WEEK 8
[ FOLLOW UP ON LAST WEEK’S 7 THINGS TO DO ]
The spouse who, in the course of this study, has started these
follow-ups fewer times goes first.
_____________________________
Chapter 15: The Three-Stranded Cord of Marriage
Watch Steve’s introductory video at 7MinuteMarriageSolution.com/15
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• From the beginning marriage was to be a bond of three—man, woman, and God. As the third cord, God gives marriage the strength to withstand any storm, any temptation, any attack. When did you first hear about God being the third strand in a marriage? If this is the first time, what about the design makes sense or sounds especially valuable? Evaluate together how strong that third cord is or isn’t in your marriage—and why.
• You draw near to God by loving him—by getting to know him, serving him, respecting him, putting him first, sacrificing for him, giving to him, and doing things for him. When you invest your life in God, you love him all the more. What is each of you doing to get to know God better? to serve him? What evidence in your individual life and in your life as a couple shows that you are putting God first? What do your answers suggest to you about a course of action?
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• To strengthen your marriage by having God as the third cord, you need to spend time with him daily. One practical way of doing this is by obeying God’s commands, which you learn by reading the Bible. Share with the group approaches to Bible study or Bible study guides that have worked for you as a married couple.
• A second way a couple spends time with God is by praying together. Share with the group approaches to prayer that have worked for you as a couple.
APPLICATION
• Talk about a time when you were very aware of God’s presence giving your marriage the strength it needed—or of a time when having God as the third strand in your marriage might have made a huge difference.
• Think about your daily routine. When would be the best time to read the Bible together? When would be the best time(s) to pray? Also address the best place for the time you spend with your spouse and God.
• What Christian couple might serve as mentors for you for a while?
Chapter 16: The Most Important Thing of All
DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• Which of the following do you think will fall into place most naturally? And which of these steps do you expect to find most challenging? What can you do to minimize the challenge and maximize the chance of success?
Do it daily.
Keep it short.
Keep things relaxed and comfortable.
Consider reading a daily devotional book.
Read from the Bible, especially scriptures relevant to your relationship with God and with each other.
Pray together.
• At the heart of this book is this belief: “The daily seven minutes you spend getting closer to God and each other will be the most important—even the most crucial—seven minutes in your marriage.” Share with your spouse your agreement and hopes … your skepticism and hesitancy … or the emotions you’re feeling somewhere between those two extremes.
DISCUSS WITH YOUR GROUP
• What do you find helpful about the metaphor that marriage is like a growing garden? In what ways is spending regular time with God as essential to the nourishment of your spirit as regular meals are essential to the nourishment of your body?
• What can we do to keep from treating prayer and Bible reading as merely another item on a to-do list?
APPLICATION
• Find resources for Bible study and prayer time.
• What book of the Bible will you start to read together—or how will you determine what to read together?
• What approach to prayer would be most comfortable and meaningful to the two of you? The 7 Minute Marriage Solution Devotional Bible could be exactly the resource you need.
If every day you approach these seven minutes as time you are investing in your mate and your God the blessings you receive in return will inspire you and enable you to become a selfless, serving, and loving spouse who makes marriage a joy.
May God bless you as you learn more and more each day how to cling to him and to each other.
TIPS FOR LEADERS
• Pray! Pray before every group meeting. Pray during every meeting. Pray after every meeting. May the Lord prepare hearts, soften hearts, transform hearts, and transform marriages.
• If you’re comfortable doing so, open each meeting time with a brief prayer and close with a brief prayer. Consider delegating this responsibility.
• An icebreaker—especially the first week—will help people relax and start getting to know one another. Here are some suggestions: When/where did you first meet?; What made you ask for/go out on that second date?; Where is your favorite place to vacation—and why?; or What takes up most of your time during the week—and what do you like to do to relax?
• After you call the group together and get started, you may or may not choose to give spouses five minutes for “Follow Up on 7 Things to Do.”
• Remind participants that what is shared in the group is shared with no one outside the group.
• Be respectful to the group members: start on time; end on time. In group discussions, do what you can to be sure people who want to respond have an opportunity, but let people know that participation is optional.
• Time will undoubtedly be an issue, so familiarize yourself with the questions and have an idea what to cut. Consider, for instance, leaving a “spouse” question for a couple to discuss or journal.
• God sovereignly brought this circle together. He knows the reasons why, but you don’t. You may also not know how these husbands and wives are doing, what issues they’re dealing with, how strong or precarious their relationship is. Give people the option to pass rather than answer.
• If participants have read the chapters, they may not come if the topic makes them too uncomfortable, if God’s truth is too convicting. But if busy participants arrive without reading the material, some might possibly be surprised by the topic and find themselves entering shaky or volatile ground during the discussion times. Be prayerful. Be prepared: have, for instance, with a handout listing reliable marriage counselors and various easy-to-access resources (pastors, books, seminars, programs at local churches).
• Some of the “group” questions may also work as discussion topics for same-sex groups, but your meeting time may not allow for that additional dynamic. Perhaps, though, a certain lesson works well with a combination of “spouse” conversations plus “same-sex” rather than group conversations.