11

rediscovering your body

Nurturing and growing a baby in your womb, and then giving birth, requires massive restructuring of your body. And though you had ten months (if you carried your baby to full term) to get used to mainly incremental changes in your posture, weight, center of gravity, and so on, the cumulative effect of pregnancy and birth is dramatic and takes time to get used to. Even if you don’t suffer from a tear or a prolapse or didn’t give birth via C-section, or experience any of the other “traumas,” your body has still just gone through a staggering amount of change. It’s important that you return to exercise and your sexuality in thoughtful and informed ways, so you can continue to pursue the physical things you enjoy for the rest of your life. You’ll want to give yourself some time, and some tools, to reacquaint yourself with your body, while being open to changes and respecting and even learning to love the new body you have.

LOVING YOUR BODY

The postpartum time is an invitation for us to reevaluate our relationship to ourselves in almost every way. The patterns of how we relate to ourselves, how we relate to our families, and how we relate to our partners come to the surface. What we may have ignored earlier arrives as an unannounced guest, allowing us the possibility to choose a different way, and potentially even heal elements of those relationships.

Our relationship to our body is a primary one, and it is foundational to how we orient in life. We will inhabit this body until we die, so if we can befriend it, rather than judging, berating, and fighting with it, we only stand to sweeten our lives. Learning to love our changing, evolving bodies may be one of the most worthwhile, albeit difficult, processes we will ever engage in as women. Loving our bodies, in the midst of objectification, pressure, and judgment is not just a personal victory but also a radical act of embracing maturity and wisdom.

Judging ourselves harshly isn’t just a personal problem. Whole industries exist, predicated on our unhappiness and dissatisfaction with how we look. The beauty and cosmetics industries and pharmaceutical companies benefit from selling us the idea that we need to buy things to look better and take drugs to feel better. One standard body type—tall and very thin—is upheld as the ideal, while we know that we are born in all shapes, sizes, and proportions. Models and most actresses represent a beauty standard that glorifies youth and a boyish shape. Photoshop erases what are considered to be imperfections and reshapes bodies in service to this narrow ideal of perfection.

Meanwhile, our bodies as mothers who have recently given birth have full breasts, round and sagging bellies, and generous thighs. The absence, not the presence, of these feminine or motherly or womanly features that are inherent to giving birth are what defines models and what we are taught to believe is beautiful. Yes, what is upheld as our cultural standard of female beauty is narrow hips and flat stomachs—the exact opposite of what a new mother has. If we look outside ourselves to define our beauty, most of us can’t win. Indeed almost everything is stacked against us inhabiting our full magnificence whatever our shape or size is. Therefore it is a radical, revolutionary, personal, and political act to live in harmony with our female bodies.

The changing nature of a pregnant and post-birth body is an invitation into a new or deepening relationship with loving-kindness and impermanence. When we go within, with curiosity, there is a ripening treasure trove of wisdom to be gained by accompanying the changes and learning to love ourselves just as we are.

The first step is to move away from comparing ourselves to how we used to be or how we want to be and steady ourselves in the present moment. Our body and its form is in continuous evolution throughout our lives, it is just more noticeable and dramatic than ever after giving birth. To approach this process with patience and kindness is to offer ourselves the possibility of delighting in the changes, however odd, unexpected, and possibly even unwelcome, rather than simply bearing them.

After the momentous event of carrying life and giving birth, the body takes time—almost universally, it’s longer than we’d like it to be—to reassemble itself into its new shape. Comparing ourselves to actresses that are back to work three weeks postpartum or to our friends who got back into their prepregnancy jeans in two months, only causes us to suffer. We are once again called to have long-term vision and perspective so that we are not tempted to abuse ourselves by crash dieting or overexercising in an attempt to manage anxiety or insist that our body look a certain way outside that it may not be ready to support from the inside.

The second step is to shift our focus from judging and evaluating how our body looks to expressing gratitude for what our body has been through and what our body has done. This shift is a mindfulness practice.

FROM JUDGMENT TO GRATITUDE
     

1. When you hear your inner critic piping up to make a negative comment about your body, be vigilant. Be mindful not to spin into a criticism of the criticism. Pause and take a breath.

2. Remind yourself that you are in the middle of a monumental process that is probably longer than you anticipated that it would be. Remember that where you are right now is not where you will be forever. Say to yourself internally, “I just grew and birthed life and am still nurturing that life.”

3. Then choose to remember a part of your body that you love or one thing that you are grateful for about your body. Touch that part of your body, name the appreciation out loud, or write it down.

The next step is to understand that how our body looks has nothing to do with our ability to experience pleasure. Most of us mistakenly think that if we were in better shape or if we had a flatter stomach or if we had a different whatever, then we would feel better about ourselves. We think that if our body would change in the way we wanted it to, we would be happier or more content or feel sexier. The good news is that there are no physical prerequisites for happiness or our ability to experience pleasure. We can be happy, content, and sexy right now with the bodies we have. Imagine the power we can generate when we do not depend on looking a certain way to have access to our joy and pleasure!

The foundation for everything in the rest of this chapter and whole section of this book is patience, loving-kindness, and refined listening. As you return to bigger activities like exercise and sex, do so with the utmost care and kindness. There is no race to win, no rush. You can always stop, and begin again.

REDISCOVERING YOUR BODY THROUGH EXERCISE

The truth is that after ten months of pregnancy, the birth itself, and nine months of car seats, baby carriers, stroller attachments, and feedings, every woman’s body could use some structural realignment. Many women take the approach that they will just wait until they have all their kids and then deal with their body. But it will be much easier for you to maintain a sense of comfort and well-being in your body, which means a return to comfortable exercise and sex, if you take care of it as you move through your motherhood journey.

The hope is that at the end of your lie-in time—the infamous six-week mark—you schedule a visit to have your pelvic floor checked out by a pelvic-floor physical therapist, so you can do any necessary core repair work needed. If you are already past your fourth trimester and haven’t seen a pelvic floor specialist, you can still do so.

At this time you can also consider deep-tissue massage to work through some of the knots and tension in your upper back and between your shoulders from bending over, carrying car seats, and nursing. I love Thai massage, but take care not to be stretched too far. Because flexibility is so prized, yoga teachers and Thai massage practitioners often get excited and assist in deepening flexibility when they see the opportunity. Make sure that you make it known that you want to work on stabilization more than pushing the edges of your flexibility.

Nine months postpartum is an ideal time for a postural overhaul. Rather than trying to spot-correct specific knots or discomforts, this is a wise time to invest in modalities that take into consideration the body’s whole structure and the interrelationships between the parts of the body.

Two excellent modalities for this holistic approach are Structural Integration and the work of Moshé Feldenkrais. Structural Integration, also known as Rolfing, works with the connective tissue to help return optimal posture to the body with a once-a-week session for ten weeks called the “Ten Series” or “the Recipe.” Functional Integration, one part of the work of Feldenkrais, is a hands-on movement reeducation process that allows the body to return to more optimal balance and function. Both modalities result in less pain and easier posture so that you can use your body the way you want to. It’s possible to become even more upright and stronger than before you had a baby.

Learning to Exercise Safely

After you’ve rested for the first six weeks and incorporated core breathing and gentle movement, you may feel ready to return to something more active. This is the time to take gentle walks, preferably on a flat surface, for about fifteen minutes or so.

Walking outside in nature is optimal. But if that is not available, then an elliptical machine is the next best choice. I recommend placing your hands on your head, rather than leaning on the railing while walking on the elliptical so you have a true gauge of your balance, and internal stabilization is a requirement.

Remember, this is a time to gradually build your stamina, taking into account all that your body has gone through. Of course, we all get impatient to return to the things we love doing, but keep in mind that being conservative now will help you recover more fully and return to activity without regressing. The trend toward more intense and aggressive exercise is everywhere. Every new exercise trend that arises is something more challenging. As far as I am concerned, new mom and boot camp have no business being in the same sentence.

Swimming is fabulous at this time, especially kicking. Laps with a kickboard can help strengthen the tiny muscles in the pelvis alongside your tailbone and sacrum—the stabilizers you will need when you return to your normal movement routine. Swimming with a kickboard also places you in a mini backbend that is the exact opposite position to the one that you find yourself in as you gaze down at your baby and bend over a lot. Experiencing less gravity also helps to lift weight off the pelvic floor, which can be a relief for anyone who is feeling heaviness or discomfort when standing or walking.

I recommend waiting until at least six months postpartum to return to exercise that includes running or jumping. In the meantime, what I see most often in my practice are women who come to me at six months postpartum because their backs are killing them. They started running or rigorous yoga or CrossFit six weeks postpartum and their structure just couldn’t support it. Then they have to do reparative work and deal with the overburdened muscles in their back that compensated for the lack of pelvic-floor and abdominal-core support earlier. This is why it’s necessary to drill in the importance of waiting to go back to such vigorous activity. You don’t have to go through this frustrating, unnecessary, and longer process of returning to optimal function! Take things slow and easy, and rest!

It is a great idea to continue the foundational core-strengthening exercises from chapter 7. We need to strengthen the inner muscles first, before working with activities that make demands from the larger muscle groups. Now is a good time to start a deeper practice of activating and lifting your core muscles, and yoga offers the age-old tool of bandhas.

Bandhas for Healing

The yogic practices called bandhas, or energetic seals, have been instrumental in my healing process, as well as the healing process of many of my clients. Practicing them can provide tremendous relief after so many months of heaviness and downward weight in the pelvis. They can relieve low back pain and regulate digestion as well as possibly help to prevent or restore prolapse, depending on its root cause.

Recently a form of exercise has emerged called hypopressives, which was developed in Spain and is just making its way to North America, to address conditions like prolapse. There are some graphic YouTube videos showing women’s genital anatomy while doing hypopressives to show that it is effective in lifting the organs. Hypopressive practice is an elaboration of uddiyana bandha kriya, which literally means the “flying uplock cleansing,” a yogic technique of massage and lifting the organs. Think of it as an antigravity move for your internal organs.

Get ready for a little weirdness, and don’t do this practice if you are still bleeding, have your period, or are pregnant. In those cases, you want to allow for downward energy, not try to reverse it and lift it up. The practice of bandhas can begin around the six-week mark. It is also important that you have practiced the breath for length, as well as the week-by-week movement practices (outlined in chapter 7), so you have mobility and are able to breathe into your ribcage. The practice is only effective when the ribcage can lift, so the organs have some place to go.

UDDIYANA BANDHA KRIYA
     

1. From a standing position, inhale into your chest.

2. As you exhale, arch your back and place your hands on your thighs as your knees naturally bend.

3. At the end of your exhale, hold your breath and round your spine like a Halloween cat (see fig. 33).

4. Plug your nose with one hand and take a false inhale. (That means breathe in with your nose plugged, so you won’t take any air in, which will create a vacuum seal that sucks your organs up.)

5. Hold your breath as long as feels reasonably comfortable.

6. Release the suction and let your belly go, and then breathe in again normally.

Like anything, this takes practice. Over time, the suction will get increasingly strong, and you will feel layers of your belly and your pelvic floor being pulled up. You might feel a bit of suction at your throat too. That’s normal.

The next stage is to add mula bandha, the “root lock,” which we might consider the yogic version of a Kegel. Mula bandha is more than just a physical action, but physical actions can help to ignite this subtle, yet powerful energy in the pelvis. For women, mula bandha is described at two different locations. Some texts describe it as residing in the perineum, the skin between the vaginal opening and the anus. Others describe mula bandha as the mouth of the cervix in women. I think they are both right and describe the necessity for awareness in these two levels of the pelvic floor.

Fig. 33: Uddiyana bandha kriya

After you have practiced uddiyana bandha kriya, you will notice that there is less downward pressure on your pelvic floor. This is an optimal opportunity to be able to engage your pelvic-floor muscles. Please note that visualization is an important step in every action. Imagination activates neural pathways and is the first step to action, especially to a new and unfamiliar action. Eventually it is important to get confirmation about whether these imagined actions are becoming manifested actions. There are two tiers of actions, and they can be practiced independently or together.

The first one is to pull the four corners of your pelvic floor together as if tightening a drawstring. To feel if the drawstring action is actually happening, you can roll up a washcloth and place it lengthwise between your sitting bones. When you exhale and activate the drawstring action, you should feel your sit bones getting closer together, compressing the washcloth a bit. The other movement is to pull the vaginal walls in and lift them up, together with the cervix. This is a small movement, so millimeters of movement are what we are looking for.

PELVIC-FLOOR IMAGERY
     

Here are some cues and images that might help spark your brain and wake up your pelvic-floor muscles. Try them out and see if there is one that speaks clearly to your body.

Imagine that there is a ladybug at the entrance of your vagina. Imagine you have a tissue and you want to pick up the ladybug without crushing it. With an exhale, feel the walls of your vagina scoop around the ladybug and lift it gently up.

Imagine that you have a lover inside of you. On an exhale, hug your lover in tighter, squeezing him closer.

Link the center of your pelvic floor and the center of the crown of your head together in your imagination. Imagine a thread between them. On an exhale, feel the thread being pulled skyward, and feel your pelvic floor lift along with it.

If you aren’t sure whether your imagination is linking up with actual actions, then external feedback is incredibly helpful in confirming that your effort is converting into strengthening and activation in your pelvic floor. This is sensitive territory, as you may not feel ready for penetration yet. Please do listen to your body, and if penetration of any kind feels like too much, then wait. If penetration sounds okay, the best means of feedback are your own fingers, a yoni egg, a dildo, or a lover—in order of intensity. If you place two fingers inside your vagina and then separate your fingers while squeezing, you will be able to feel if your vaginal walls hug your fingers back toward each other. With a yoni egg—a crystal or jade egg that you insert in your vagina—you can feel whether your muscles are able to hold the egg in and if you are able to lift it up inside a bit. Most women will need the biggest size of jade egg to work with as the muscles return to normal tone. If it falls out right away sitting up, start lying down.

A dildo will cover a broader surface area, so you will have more to squeeze against, which can feel more satisfying. A bit more complex, depending on how you look at it, is enlisting a male partner to help you. This can be a bit charged if you are feeling self-conscious, and you also need him to stay still while you practice squeezing him. Penetrative sex itself can be helpful, provided that you feel ready for it on all levels. You may have never tried to do any of these movements or you may have done them before and are mystified about why they are so hard now. Patience and persistence are needed.

You might want to find a teacher, physical therapist, or sexological bodyworker who can help you. These practices are also most effective in combination with an internal pelvic-floor checkup to make sure that your brain is coordinated with your pelvic muscles. Sometimes we think we are using them, but we’re not. To make your effort most effective, it’s affirming to have some external feedback about what is working and what’s not. Connection to these muscles will help you to feel anchored, directed, and confident.

This can all sound very clinical, but talking about the pelvic floor is talking about the most intimate part of our body. Most women have a difficult time even finding language that feels comfortable—not too clinical, not too embarrassing, but still accurate. Our healing often depends on getting literally reacquainted with our experience of our sexuality in our body. Our intimate anatomy may not look or feel familiar to us. In sidling up to this sensitive and perceptive area, we stay open to the currents of life, to our creative energy, and to the possibility of receiving our partner again.

RETURNING HOME TO YOURSELF

Our sexuality is our own. Each of us has a unique way that we have constructed ourselves as sexual beings. We have personal, familial, and cultural scripts that have taught us and continue to influence how we relate to our body and to sex. We have life experiences imprinted in our minds and bodies, informing us about what is safe, what is acceptable, and what is desirable. Our culture is filled with ideas about what is and is not sexy. Even defining sex is not that straightforward. When most people use the word sex, they are referring to what is known as PIV penetration.

The postpartum time calls us home to ourselves, to our relationships to our own bodies and our sexuality. For many women, this is hard to even consider. We are so conditioned to please; there is so much pressure to satisfy others and to place our needs or wants after others’, that it is new territory to claim our bodies and our sex as our own. Sovereign sexuality can be foreign territory. In the lifespan of a woman, the transition to motherhood is one invitation to place our needs first when it comes to sex.

Because our body feels so different in the weeks, months, and even years after having a baby, we need to connect with our bodies in these changes. Instead of demanding that our body perform, behave, or act like it used to, we must listen to our new body and what her new needs are.

We have explored how to take care of our bodies with rest, food, exercise, and bodywork. Now we turn to taking care of our sexual selves. It’s common for women to feel aversion toward looking at their own genitals after giving birth. Some women have never looked at their own vulvas or vaginas before, so they don’t have a visual reference point, but they still feel like things aren’t right or are out of place. When women do look, they often feel that everything down there looks different.

As has been discussed earlier, for many women, their vulvas and vaginas are different than they were before. Some women sustain birth injuries that require stitching and repair. Some women’s proportions have changed—where their labia are or what is visible from their vaginal openings changes. Some women have skin flaps or tags that weren’t there before. Hemorrhoids can change the shape or texture of the anal opening. The perineum itself, the skin between the vagina and anus, may be longer or shorter or have a different texture. It’s disconcerting and not something most women have considered before having a baby.

Not all of the changes are permanent. Many scars will heal and become less visible, especially with proper scar care. Swelling will go down as bleeding lessens. Hemorrhoids can heal and go away. Yet some changes will remain, which can take time to grow into and adapt to. Our deep feelings about looking different are real. Our connection and attachment to our genital identity is real. These are not just any body parts. These are our sacred body parts, the ones through which we derive intimacy, unearth desires, and from which we created life. The exercises below can help you honor those feelings as well as grow into and evolve with any changes.

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR
     

One of the first ways to come home to yourself and your sexuality is to look at your vulva and vagina in a mirror. Check out how you look now. Take your time to look and notice the shape, the size, and the colors that you see. Notice the dimensions of your inner labia, your outer labia, and your perineum. Is the introitus, your vaginal opening, visible? As you look with your eyes, notice the sensations that arise in your body. As much as possible, maintain an attitude of curiosity. It is normal to feel strange if the look of your genitals has changed, and it probably has. Know that they probably will continue to change as your hormones shift, organs return to their place, ligaments get firmer, and healing continues.

You may want to do this a couple of times before your first postpartum visit so you witness your own progress. It can be fascinating to see all of the changes that your vulva goes through during the healing process. Many women worry that the changes to their genitals will be permanent and that sex will never be the same. While both may be true, women can gain full access to pleasure and sexual power, even with genitals that are different and new or changed desires with regard to sex.

VULVA BREATHING
     

Before reengaging with a partner and attempting to communicate your needs and desires, it is helpful to start by touching yourself. This doesn’t have to be a self-pleasuring session, although it can be. Start by cupping your whole vulva with your hand. Send your breath all the way down through your belly and your pelvis, and feel your vulva expand into your hand. Imagine your mind is a flashlight illuminating parts of your body as your breath reaches them. You can follow your breath in through your nose and mouth, all the way through your throat, your heart, your deep belly, your pelvic bowl, and then contacting your hand. If there are gaps in that trail, just notice that. On the next breath, direct your mind and attention to the border zone of where you feel connected along this trail and where you don’t. Linger at that border zone where your awareness gets murky, and notice if something changes. If it does, you may be able to feel farther along that trail. If not, continue to breathe and notice. This is a simple exercise connecting your breath and your attention to your vulva, and to softly and lovingly get in touch with her.

Your body went through a lot giving birth! You will have your own journey to meeting your intimate parts again. If the previous exercises feel like too much, vaginal steaming (chapter 6) is a gentle way to approach your vulva after giving birth. The steam actually feels good, so if you have an association with pain or discomfort or if you are averse to touching yourself, the steam can be a gentle buffer with the added benefits of cleansing your uterus and toning the tissues.

You should, of course, take your time with this, and proceed at your own comfort level. At the same time, just like a first bowel movement can feel scary, it’s normal to feel some resistance to looking and feeling these intimate parts of yourself that may feel very different than they did before. Know that your feelings about your anatomy might not match what you see. I work with many women who are sure there is something wrong, misshapen, or out of place and when we explore together, they are pleasantly surprised that things are in place. Some women aren’t quite sure what they looked like before, so don’t have much to compare to. I also work with women who feel that things are very different, and they are. The texture, shape, and even what is visible externally can change after giving birth. Sometimes those changes are physically uncomfortable, sometimes they are emotionally disconcerting. In both cases, it’s shocking. No one told us that our vulvas might be reshaped during birth.

If you avoid your vulva and vagina and your first attempt at penetrative sex is your reintroduction to this sensitive territory, you are setting yourself up for feelings of grief and confusion. Knowing our own anatomy, how it feels, how things work, and what we like are the first steps to being able to communicate what we want and feel when we decide to reengage sexually with a partner. After birth, partners will be looking for and needing your guidance about how to approach you again in a way that doesn’t hurt and feels good for both of you. If you get to know what’s happening with your vulva and vagina, so that penetrative sex is not your first reintroduction to this sensitive territory, you will be able to direct your sexual experiences, orienting toward pleasure.

SUMMARY

To ensure full physical recovery—and not cause new symptoms—and to encourage pelvic-floor tone for your life, wait for six months before returning to running or heavy weight lifting.

Specific pelvic-floor and core movements, called bandhas, are crucial in restoring inner health so that your return to exercise is successful.

Your sexuality is your own. Begin by exploring your own body before returning to penetrative sex with your partner.

Reflections

What does the phrase “your sexuality is your own” elicit in you?

What is your experience of your body right now?

Exercises

Practice the pelvic-floor visualizations and movements.

Do a vaginal steam.

Look at your vulva in a mirror, and practice vulva breathing.