Chapter Eighteen

 

Eilis gasped. “Oh, Kieran. I’m sorry, I thought you were—”

“Someone else? No problem. I’m just glad I’m not your man Fergus.”

“He’s not my man. He’s my boss.” The tension in her shoulders suddenly eased at the sound of Kieran’s smooth voice, but it didn’t keep her heart from fluttering in her chest.

“You all right?”

“Yeah.” She knew she was less than all right, but what else could she say?

“I just felt . . . I rang earlier.”

“I got the message. I was going to ring you in the morning.”

He chuckled. “Well, I’ve saved you the call then.”

“I suppose so.”

She didn’t know what to say next. Not that she could breathe. Just the sound of his voice quickened her pulse and heated her body. The memory of his kiss rushed back and something indefinable twisted in her belly.

“Wanna talk about it?” His voice was low and smooth as it poured into her ear.

“Nah,” she said, but that was a lie. “My boss is trying to get me to come back early from my holiday.”

“Maybe he needs you for something.”

“I’d rather not talk about his needs.” She cringed thinking about Fergus’s true motives. “Besides, he approved my holiday and now he wants me back to oversee a contract.”

“Is this one of your discoveries?”

“No, actually. It’s about control for him.”

“I see. And he wants to control you?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes. The problem with Fergus is I’m the only one he hasn’t gotten into bed, and he’s pressuring me. He’ll lose whatever game he’s at, is all I can say. I don’t work like that.”

Eilis didn’t know why she told Kieran this. It really wasn’t any of his business. She felt she could trust him, confide in him, and the words fell out before she could stop them.

Either that or she was subconsciously telling Kieran she wouldn’t sleep with him either for a contract. She’d already offered him a contract so there was no question about her motives with him and E.R.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“Yeah, well—” She left the sentence unfinished, the meaning well understood.

“Is that all that’s bothering you, Eilis?” Was there a challenge in his voice?

“I think so. Anything bothering you?” She regretted asking as soon as the words were out. She knew why he had called.

“As a matter of fact, there is. We need to talk.”

“About the contract, you mean?”

“No.” His voice turned sensual.

“Then what? Tell me.” She dared him.

“You feel it too. I know you do.”

“Feel what?”

“I knew you weren’t in the car when your friend left. It was too dark to see, but I knew you weren’t in the car. It was the same last night. I knew where to find you on Patrick’s Hill. I walked around a bit until I was sure.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

He chuckled. “Yes, you do. Come on, Eilis. Admit it and we can move on. I can feel you when you’re in the room before I even turn around. I think you have the same sense about me.”

“That’s a bold statement to be making. You sound like someone who believes in the old ways.” She tried to sound nonchalant but didn’t think she was succeeding. “Ye’r sounden a bit teched, lad,” she said in a thick stage brogue.

She heard him take a deep breath. “Can we not be honest for a moment? We need to talk this through. We have to, both of us, be honest with each other. Will you be honest with me?”

He was silent for a long moment while she weighed her options. He was as attuned to her as she was to him. Why deny it? Was she going to let her own pride keep her from the truth? So what if they shared this strange sense? Everyone has some form of intuition. Maybe they were just tuned into it more strongly than anyone else. It didn’t mean anything.

Or did it? If it didn’t, why was she having such a hard time talking with him about this? Was it because they’d only just met? If that was true, then why could she confide in him about things like Fergus and what he put her through? Questions tumbled through her mind.

“OK, Kieran. I’ll be honest with you,” she finally said.

“Thank you, but don’t be honest with just me. Be honest with yourself. That’s what matters the most.”

“What do you want from me, Kieran? I told you’d I’d be honest. Do I feel you when you’re near? Yes, I think I do . . . sometimes. Can I explain it? No. What else do you want me to be honest about?”

When all else fails, Eilis, put up the defenses, she told herself. A volatile self-protective barrier has always worked in the past.

♥ ♥ ♥

“Why are you getting defensive?”

“What do you mean? I’m not being defensive.” She paused before continuing, “And what if I am? I don’t even know you and you’re asking me personal questions.”

“I’m not asking you personal questions, Eilis. I’m asking you to be honest with yourself. If you want me to get personal, I will. Gladly. Wanna talk about our kiss?”

There was a sharp intake of breath on Eilis’s end of the phone. “No!” He chuckled at her too-sudden response. “And where do you come off being so bold in public?”

“Would you rather I kiss you in private? I can be up to you as soon as I get dressed.” He could just picture her now with her cheeks flaming as they had when he’d kissed her, her green eyes wild with shock yet wanton with desire.

“No!” she gasped again.

“Really, Eilis. It wouldn’t be a problem. I’ll be less than five minutes. I’ll get dressed now.” He enjoyed taunting her.

“Don’t you dare!”

“Would you rather come to me?”

It took her a moment to reply. Her ‘no’ came out so softly he barely heard her.

“Well, then,” he said, lowering his voice. “You won’t let me to come to you and you won’t come to me. I suppose we’ll have to do this on the phone.”

“Do what on the phone?”

“Talk, what else?”

“Uh-huh.” Was there now curiosity in her voice?

“Will you talk with me, Eilis? As friends?” he offered. “I’ll try to behave. Promise.”

It was obvious by her delayed reply she thought it over.

“I—I suppose so.”

A smile spread across his face. She was lowering her defenses to him. Good! Maybe there was hope yet.

“As friends.” She repeated his words.

“I’ve found it’s the best place to begin a relationship with someone.”

“A relationship?” Her voice hitched up again. “And whatever does that mean when it’s at home? A contract to play your guitar is just that. A contract.”

“There are a great many kinds of relationships in the world, Eilis. Work, friendships, commitments—,” he offered. “They all should have a solid relationship of some kind.”

“Uh-huh,” she muttered. “So you want to build a friendship sort of relationship then.”

“Sure. To begin with.”

“To begin with? What does that mean?” She sounded shocked.

“Just what it means. We both enjoyed the kiss. Don’t deny it, Eilis. Maybe there’s something more here we should explore.”

“So . . . you want to be my friend first,” she said, “so I’ll sleep with you.”

He was taken aback. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Well, I sure hope not because I think I’ve already established I won’t get on my back for just anyone. I don’t work that way.”

Kieran wanted Eilis on her back all right. Contract be damned! He wanted her legs wrapped around his waist. He wanted her naked breasts rubbing against his chest. He wanted to look into her passion-filled eyes as he filled her with himself and knowing he was the one bringing her so much pleasure.

He felt himself harden at the thought of making love with her. He pulled a pillow into his lap and pressed it against his erection, hoping to keep it down. To ease his ache for her.

It didn’t help of course.

“No.” He spoke between clenched teeth, forcing his voice to remain low. He didn’t want to wake any of the other guests. “This isn’t because of the contract. Damn your contract. When I have you on your back, Eilis Kennedy, it will be because you want to be there, because you want me inside you.”

There was an audible gasp on Eilis’s end of the phone. “You son of a—” Then the phone went dead.

He chuckled. Yes, he’d have her. And she’d have him. She wanted him as badly as he wanted her. He could feel it in her before she disconnected the call.

Kieran hit redial and waited for the call to engage. It seemed to ring forever before it finally picked up.

“What?” Eilis said in salutation. He let out his breath slowly. She hadn’t switched the phone off. She wanted him to phone back. The thought pleased him immensely.

“Eilis,” he said calmly. “Don’t hang up. Please.”

“And why not? With a bold statement like the one you just made, you’re lucky I didn’t turn the phone off.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” he said, then continued, “because if you did, I’d have to come up to you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

“Kieran, please—”

“Eilis, I won’t pull the wool over your beautiful green eyes. I want you and it has nothing to do with your contract. And I think you want me too.”

“Kieran—”

“Don’t deny it. Let’s get past all this small talk. It’s bullshit and you know it. We both feel something. I don’t know what it is, but I want to find out. Something happened the other day when you came into The Little Man. I’ve been thinking about you ever since. You’re all I ever think about and it’s driving me mad.”

“Kieran—”

“From the moment in the pub when you turned around and looked up at me, my whole world has changed. In that split second everything I believed in became a lie. All there was, was you. You’re all I’ve thought about since then.

“When you’re near I can feel you. I don’t know what it is. I get a twisting in my gut. The closer you get to me the more intense it gets. But the moment I had you in my arms out front of the pub tonight it disappeared. When I kissed you, it was like . . . like . . . God, I can’t even describe it. It felt right. I wanted to kiss you that first day when I took you home. I would have if you hadn’t gone in the house. When I left, something inside me felt like it was tearing apart.”

He rose off the bed to stalk the room. “Eilis, we need to talk about this. I know we’re from different sides of the city, I know you’re with someone else, I know this is just a contract for you, but God help me . . .” he paused in his tracks before he admitted, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Silence.

If he hadn’t heard her breathing he would have thought she hung up on him again.

Finally, “Kieran,” she started.

“Eilis,” he whispered, stopping in the center of the room, squeezing his eyes shut at what she might say to him.

“Kieran, I—I don’t know what to say.” Her voice was soft as she spoke. “I can’t deny I can feel you when you’re near me too. I can’t explain it either. I felt it last night when you were walking Patrick’s Hill. I knew you were there. I tried telling Megan but she thought I’d had too much to drink. When she heard you calling, she finally believed me. But she also knew how I felt about things. That’s why she went to the window instead of me. She wanted to take me to the A&E, but I wouldn’t let her. I knew what it was and there was no one there who could help me.”

She chuffed lightly. The sound of it reached into Kieran’s belly and twisted. He wished he was beside her so he could put his arms around her.

“I can’t pretend to understand what’s happening between us, Kieran. I don’t understand it and I’m not sure I want to. It’s too confusing.”

“It’s confusing to me too. That’s why I think we should talk about this together. The phone isn’t the place.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong. The phone is the best place. I think it gives us the distance we need. Because, to be honest with you, I might forget myself otherwise. I can’t let that happen.”

“Why not, Eilis? If you’re being honest with yourself then you’re telling me that you want me too.”

“No, Kieran. Not like you want me. I’ve too much to consider.”

“I don’t understand. If you want me, why can’t you just go with it?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Trust me on this. The only thing we can have together is a contract at Eireann Records. If you still want it. That’s all I can offer you. I’m sorry.” Her voice was filled with wanting even though her words were filled with rejection.

He thought his heart would break. She didn’t mean what she said. He felt it. Why was she doing this to him? More importantly, why was she doing this to herself? He felt her pain even as she said words she clearly didn’t mean. He wanted to help her through it — if she’d only give him the chance.

“You don’t mean that,” he said, his voice low, barely controlled.

“I—I think I do, Kieran. I wish I knew what else to tell you, but I don’t. Yes, there’s some ‘thing’ between us, but that’s all it is. I came to you with a contract offer. You have a rare talent. You could make something of it. Anything else . . . I don’t know.”

“Let’s try to figure out what it is. Together.”

“There’s nothing to figure out. You don’t really want me. You want what I can offer you. Nothing more.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

“I’m not wrong. I’m right, and if you think rationally about it, give your hormones a rest, you’ll realize I’m right too. All this is, is misplaced appreciation for the contract.”

“What about that kiss? You felt something. Don’t deny it.”

“I did, sure enough. How could I deny it? It was the single most pleasant experience in my whole life. But that’s all it was. A kiss.” Kieran heard her breath catch as she spoke. He knew she was trying to convince herself with her words but was having a hard time.

“Eilis, love, if that was the single most pleasant experience you’ve had in your life, then you haven’t lived,” he promised.

She chuffed again. “You’re right about that.”

“Then meet me somewhere so we can talk. Please,” he pleaded. He’d never begged for anything in his life, but he found himself doing just that.

“No.”

“What if I take the contract? Then you’ll be forced to be around me as my manager,” he reminded her.

“If you want the contract, I’ll honor the offer, but I’ll give the contract over to another manager.”

“I won’t take it unless you’re managing me.”

Eilis paused briefly. “Then you have a choice to make if you want to advance your career. Either take the contract I’m offering with another manager, or don’t take it and go on as you have been.”

“You’re looking at this in black and white. Meet me, please.”

“No.”

Kieran realized his eyes were still squeezed shut and he opened them to a dimly-lit room. He still stood in nothing but his trunks, his damp hair nearly dry, his erection withering away into nothingness. The room was suddenly cold and he began shivering.

Finally he broke the silence. When he spoke, his voice was barely audible. “All right, Eilis.”

“All right?” By the tone of her voice she was shocked at his relenting.

“Yes, all right. You can tell yourself there can’t be anything else between us. I understand. You love someone else. No problem. It’s not my place to try to force you into something you don’t want.”

“Kieran, I’m—”

“I’ll leave you be. Thank you for coming to see me and talk to me about the contract. It means a lot that you see some talent in me. I think I’ll go it alone though. There’s no need to send anyone around.”

At that moment, Kieran didn’t think he would ever breathe normally again, the way his heart began to ache. He hadn’t even been this upset when he’d discovered his business partner had been cheating him blind.

To punish himself further, he added, “It would probably be best if we stayed on our own sides of the city. If I felt you near, the Devil himself couldn’t stop me from trying to find you.”

He disconnected the call and switched off the phone.

♥ ♥ ♥

Eilis sat under the covers in her bed. She shook as she stared at her mobile. Had she heard what she thought she’d heard? He’d pretty much confessed his undying love for her and she had told him he was wrong, that his feelings weren’t real. She’d practically called him a liar. Was she really so jaded she couldn’t believe someone could love her for who she was and not what she looked like, or what she could offer them at E.R.?

Finally, she clicked the disconnect button, but left the phone on . . . just in case.

In case of what, that he’d ring her back? Did she really think he would after what she had just said to him?

How could she tell him the truth? That she wanted him so badly her insides ached? That she thought of nothing all day but him? That she’d dreamed about kissing him since the day they’d met, and now that he’d kissed her, she knew there would never be another man in her life who would compare?

If she were really being honest with herself, after Kieran’s single kiss she didn’t want anyone else kissing her for the rest of her life. If that was the truth, then why couldn’t she admit she wanted Kieran as much as he said he wanted her? Couldn’t she drop her guard just this once and feel what it was he was promising her?

Was it possible to let her hair down just once, give herself to a man who said he loved her and feel passion? Was it possible to make love to a man who said he loved her after only knowing her a couple of days? Could she make love to him and feel loved, then keep her dignity when he walked away once satisfied?

She’d seen this disappointment time and time again with the women at E.R., thanks to Fergus. Once he had them on their backs they could kiss their careers goodbye. They were only conquests.

Was this all she was to Kieran? A conquest?

The questions tumbled around and around in her mind, but she couldn’t come up with any answers.

Carefully she set the phone on the nightstand and sank down under the blankets, continuing to shiver uncontrollably. When she’d first crawled under them she thought she’d be too hot. Now, she had to roll herself in them to get warm. It didn’t do much good, but the tightness around her was almost like a hug. She needed the comfort, so she pulled them up over her face and let the tears come.