LET me confess it at once. I had not in me the stuff that goes to the making of a good constable; for I am so constituted that imagination outruns discretion, and it is my misfortune to have a most improper sympathy with wrongdoers. I therefore never “made cases,” but turning, like Nelson, a blind eye to what it was my manifest duty to see, tried to make peace, which seemed to me better.
Moreover, I am, by temperament, unadaptive; by which I mean that it is not in me to conform cheerfully to uncongenial usages. We blacks are all somewhat impatient of discipline, and to the natural impatience of my race there was added, in my particular case, a peculiar sensitiveness which made certain forms of discipline irksome, and a fierce hatred of injustice. Not that I ever openly rebelled; but the rebellion was in my heart, and it was fomented by the inevitable rubs of daily life—trifles to most of my comrades, but to me calamities and tragedies. To relieve my feelings, I wrote poems, and into them I poured my heart in its various moods. This volume consists of a selection from these poems.
The life was, as it happened, unsuited to me, and I to it; but I do not regret my experiences. If I had enemies whom I hated, I also had close friends whom I loved.
One word in conclusion. As constituted by the authorities the Force is admirable, and it only remains for the men themselves, and especially the sub-officers, to make it what it should be, a harmonious band of brothers.
C. McK.
All dat week was cold an’ dreary,
An’ I worked wid heavy heart;
All my limbs were weak an’ weary,
When I knew that we would part;
An’ I thought of our first meeting
On dat pleasant day o’ June,
Of his kind an’ modest greeting
When we met dat afternoon;
Of de cáprice o’ de weader,
How de harsh rain fell dat day,
How we kissed de book togeder,
An’ our hearts were light an’ gay;
How we started homewards drivin’,
Last civilian drive in train;
How we half-feared de arrivin’,
Knowin’ we were not free again;
How we feared do’n to de layin’
By of our loved old-time dress,
An’ to each udder kept sayin’
All might be unhappiness;
How our lives be’n full o’ gladness,
Drillin’ wid hearts light an’ free;
How for days all would be sadness
When we quarrelled foolishly.
An’ de sad, glad recollection
Brought a strange thrill to my soul,
’Memberin’ how his affection
Gave joy in a barren wul’:
As I thought then, my mind goin’
Back to mem’ries, oh! so dear,—
As I felt de burden growin’,
Jes’ so shall I write it here.
We were once more on de drill-ground,
Me so happy by his side,
One in passion, one in will, bound
By a boundless love an’ wide:
Daily you would see us drinkin’
Our tea by de mess-room door,
Every passin’ moment linkin’
Us togeder more an’ more.
After little lazy leanin’,
Sittin’ on de window-sill,
Me would start our carbine-cleanin’
For de eight o’clock big drill:
’Fo’ me he be’n always ready,
An’ as smart as smart could be;
He was always quick, yet steady,
Not of wav’rin’ min’ like me.
When de time was awful dull in
De ole borin’ Depôt-school,
An’ me face was changed an’ sullen,
An’ I kicked against de rule,
He would speak to me so sweetly,
Tellin’ me to bear my fate,
An’ his lovin’ words completely
Helped me to forget de hate.
An’ my heart would start a-pinin’
Ef, when one o’clock came roun’,
He was not beside me dinin’,
But be’n at some duty boun’:
Not a t’ing could sweet me eatin’,
Wid my Bennie ’way from me;
Strangely would my heart be beatin’
Tell I knew dat he was free.
When at last he came to table,
Neider one could ever bate
Tell in some way we were able
To eke out each udder plate:
All me t’oughts were of my frennie
Then an’ in de after days;
Ne’er can I forget my Bennie
Wid him nice an’ pleasant ways.
In de evenin’ we went walkin’,
An’ de sweet sound of his voice,
As we laughed or kept a-talkin’,
Made my lovin’ heart rejoice:
Full of happiness we strolled on,
In de closin’ evenin’ light,
Where de stately Cobre rolled on
Gurglin’, murm’rin’ in de night;
Claspin’ of our hands togeder,
Each to each we told good-night,
Dreamed soon o’ life’s broken ledder
An’ de wul’s perplexin’ fight,
Of de many souls a-weepin’
Burdened do’n wid care an’ strife,
While we sweetly lay a-sleepin’,
Yet would grumble ’bout our life.
Once his cot was next beside me,
But dere came misfortune’s day
When de pleasure was denied me,
For de sergeant moved him ’way:
I played not fe mind de movin’
Though me heart wid grief be’n full;
’Twas but one kin’ o’ de provin’
O’ de ways o’ dis ya wul’.
’Fo’ we tu’n good, came de warnin’
O’ de rousin’ bugle-soun’,
An’ you’d see us soon a marnin’
To de bat’-house hurryin’ down,
Leavin’ udders yawnin’, fumblin’,
Wid deir limbs all stiff an’ ole,
Or ’pon stretchin’ out an’ grumblin’,
Say’n’ de water be’n too col’.
In a jiffy we were washin’,
Jeerin’ dem, de lazy type,
All about us water dashin’
Out o’ de ole-fashion’ pipe:
In a lee while we were endin’,—
Dere was not much time to kill,—
Arms an’ bay’nets wanted tendin’
’Fo’ de soon-a-marnin’ drill.
So we spent five months togeder,
He was ever staunch an’ true
In sunshine or rainy weader,
No mind what wrong I would do:
But dere came de sad heart-rendin’
News dat he must part from me,
An’ I nursed my sorrow, bendin’
To de grim necessity.
All dat week was cold an’ dreary,
An’ I worked wid heavy heart;
All my limbs were weak an’ weary
When I knew dat we would part;
All de fond hopes, all de gladness
Drooped an’ faded from our sight,
An’ an overwhelmin’ sadness
Came do’n on de partin’ night.
In de dim light I lay thinkin’
How dat sad night was our last,
My lone spirit weakly sinkin’
’Neat’ de mem’ries o’ de past:
As I thought in deepest sorrow,
He came,—sat do’n by my side,
Speakin’ o’ de dreaded morrow
An’ de flow o’ life’s dark tide.
Gently fell the moonbeams, kissin’
’Way de hot tears streamin’ free,
While de wind outside went hissin’
An’ a-moanin’ for poor me:
Then he rose, but after bended,
Biddin’ me a last good-bye;
To his cot his steps he wended,
An’ I heard a deep-drawn sigh.
’Twas de same decisive warnin’
Wakin’ us as in de past,
An’ we both washed soon a marnin’
’Neat’ de ole pipe fe de last;
We be’n filled wid hollow laughter,
Rather tryin’ to take heart,
But de grief returned when after
Came de moment fe depart.
Hands gripped tight, but not a tear fell
As I looked into his face,
Said de final word o’ farewell,
An’ returned back to my place:
At my desk I sat me dry-eyed,
Sometimes gave a low-do’n moan,
An’ at moments came a sigh sighed
For my Bennie dat was gone.
Gone he, de little sunshine o’ my life,
Leavin’ me ’lone to de Depot’s black strife,
Dear little comrade o’ lecture an’ drill,
Loved comrade, like me of true stubborn will:
Oft, in de light o’ de fast sinkin’ sun,
We’d frolic togeder aroun’ de big gun;
Oft would he laughingly run after me,
Chasin’ me over de wide Depot lea;
Oft would he teach me de folly o’ pride
When, me half-vexed, he would sit by my side;—
Now all is blackness t’rough night an’ t’rough day,
For my heart’s weary now Bennie’s away.
I took my marnin’ bat’ alone,
An’ wept for Bennie dat was gone;
An’ after,—sittin’, weepin’ long,—
Some one came askin’ wha’ be’n wrong:
But only chokin’ sobs he heard,
My mout’ could never speak a word.
An’ so for long days all was grief,
An’ never could I get relief;
My heart be’n full of emptiness,
With naught to love an’ naught to bless.
I ’member de familiar scene:—
I sat out on de Depot green,
Restin’ agains’ de big great gun:
De long rays o’ de settin’ sun
Were thrown upon the sombre wall;
I heard de rousin’ bugle-call
In chorus soundin’ o’ retreat;
A ray o’ light shone on my seat,
A soft dull shade of changin’ gold,
So pleasant, lovely to behold:
A moment,—an’ I was alone,
De wanin’ evenin’ sun was gone.
I sat do’n still; de evenin’ light
Passed on, an’ it fell night, dark night.
’Twas autumn: feelin’ rather chill,
I rose, led by my aimless will,
An’ went up to the second floor,
Sat on a bench agains’ de door.
A comrade came an’ sat by me,
Restin’ a hand upon my knee;
De lantern old was burnin’ dim,
But bright ’nough for me to see him:—
One searchin’ look into his face,
I gave him in my heart a place.
I never knew a nicer mind,
He was so pleasant an’ so kind;
An’ oh! the sweetness of his voice
That made my lonely heart rejoice.
It all comes back so vividly,—
The comfort that he brought to me;
The ray of hope, the pure pure joy
He gave a poor forsaken boy;
In walk or talk his tender care,
His deep concern for my welfare.
His comin’ filled the larger part
Of de great void made in my heart
When on dat cruel awful day
My faithful Bennie went away.
’Tis not de way o’ dis ya wul’
Dat any miserable soul
Should know a little lastin’ peace,
Should taste endurin’ happiness.
De harmless tabby o’ de house
Plays kindly wid de frightened mouse,
Till, when it nearly loses dread,
Good Lard! de little thing is dead.
So wid de man, toy of a Will
E’er playin’ with him to its fill,
To-day alive, to-morrow slain,—
Thus all our pleasure ends in pain.
Where’er I roam, whate’er the clime,
I’ll never know a happier time;
I seemed as happy as could be,
When—everything was torn from me.
De fateful day I ’member still,
De final breakin’ o’ my will,
Again de sayin’ o’ good-bye,
My poor heart’s silent wailin’ cry;
My life, my soul, my all be’n gone,
And ever since I am alone.
Me an’ de corpy drink we rum,
An’ corpy larn me how fe bum;
Last night me gie ’m de last-last tup,
Yet now him come an’ bring me up.
He’ll carry me ’fo’ officer,
An’ rake up’ t’ings fe charge me for;
An’ all because dese couple days
Me couldn’ gie ’m de usual raise.
Last night, when it come to roll-call,
Dis corpy couldn’ ’ten’ at all:
We didn’ mek de S.M. see ’m,
But only put things ’traight fe him.
An’ we, like big fools, be’n deh fret
Ober de corpy drunk to deat’:
We all treat him so very kin’,
Aldough him ha’ such dutty min’.
We tek him drunken off de car,
We tek him drunken out de bar,
We wake him drunken ’pon him guard,
An’ yet we neber claim reward.
All bad contrary things me do,
Corpy see me an’ let me go;
But ’causen me no ha’ a tup,
Fe not’in’ ’tall him bring me up.
While me deh walk ’long in de street,
Policeman’s yawnin’ on his beat;
An’ dis de wud him chiefta’n say—
Me mus’n’ car’ me apple-tray.
Ef me no wuk, me boun’ fe tief;
S’pose dat will please de police chief!
De prison dem mus’ be wan’ full,
Mek dem’s ’pon we like ravin’ bull.
Black nigger wukin’ laka cow
An’ wipin’ sweat-drops from him brow,
Dough him is dyin’ sake o’ need,
P’lice an’ dem headman boun’ fe feed.
P’lice an’ dem headman gamble too,
Dey shuffle card an’ bet fe true;
Yet ef me Charlie gamble,—well,
Dem try fe ’queeze him laka hell.
De headman fe de town police
Mind neber know a little peace,
’Cep’ when him an’ him heartless ban’
Hab sufferin’ nigger in dem han’.
Ah son-son! dough you ’re bastard, yah,
An’ dere’s no one you can call pa,
Jes’ try to ha’ you’ mudder’s min’
An’ Police Force you’ll neber jine.
But how judge bélieve policemen,
Dem dutty mout’ wid lyin’ stain’?
While we go batterin’ along
Dem doin’ we all sort o’ wrong.
We hab fe barter-out we soul
To lib t’rough dis ungodly wul’;—
O massa Jesus! don’t you see
How police is oppressin’ we?
Dem wan’ fe see we in de street
Dah foller dem all ’pon dem beat;
An’ after, ’dout a drop o’ shame,
Say we be’n dah solicit dem.
Ah massa Jesus! in you’ love
Jes’ look do’n from you’ t’rone above,
An’ show me how a poo’ weak gal
Can lib good life in dis ya wul’.
’Tis hatred without an’ ’tis hatred within,
An’ I am so weary an’ sad;
For all t’rough de tempest o’ terrible strife
Dere’s not’in’ to make poor me glad.
Oh! where are de faces I loved in de past,
De frien’s dat I used to hold dear?
Oh say, have dey all turned away from me now
Becausen de red seam I wear?
I foolishly wandered away from dem all
To dis life of anguish an’ woe,
Where I mus’ be hard on me own kith an’ kin,
And even to frien’ mus’ prove foe.
Oh! what have I gained from my too too rash act
O’ joinin’ a hard Constab Force,
Save quenchin’ me thirst from a vinegar cup,
De vinegar cup o’ remorse?
I t’ought of a livin’ o’ pure honest toil,
To keep up dis slow-ebbin’ breath;
But no, de life surely is bendin’ me do’n,
Is bendin’ me do’n to de death.
’Tis grievous to think dat, while toilin’ on here,
My people won’t love me again,
My people, my people, me owna black skin,—
De wretched t’ought gives me such pain.
But I’ll leave it, my people, an’ come back to you,
I’ll flee from de grief an’ turmoil;
I’ll leave it, though flow’rs here should line my path yet,
An’ come back to you an’ de soil.
For ’tis hatred without an’ ’tis hatred within,
An’ how can I live ’douten heart?
Then oh for de country, de love o’ me soul,
From which I shall nevermore part!
I shall love you ever,
Dearest Sukee River:
Dash against my broken heart,
Nevermore from you I’ll part,
But will stay forever,
Crystal Sukee River.
Cool my fevered brow:
Ah! ’tis better now,
As I serpent-like lance t’rough
Your broad pool o’ deepest blue!
Dis once burnin’ brow
Is more better now.
All about me dashin’,
H’is’in’ up an’ splashin’,
Bubbles like de turtle-berries,
Jostlin’ wid de yerry-yerries,
All about me dashin’
H’is’in’ up an’ splashin’.
Oh! dis blissful swim,
Like a fairy dream!
Jumpin’ off de time-worn plank,
Pupperlicks from bank to bank,
Dis delightful swim
Is a fairy dream.
Kiss my naked breast
In its black skin drest:
Let your dainty silver bubbles
Ease it of its lifelong troubles,
Dis my naked breast
In its black skin drest.
Floatin’, floatin’ down
On my back alone,
Kiss me on my upturned face,
Clasp me in your fond embrace,
As I’m floatin’ down
Happy, yet alone.
Wavelets laughin’ hound me,
Ripples glad surround me:
Catchin’ at dem light an’ gay,
See dem scamper all away,
As dey playful hound me,
Or in love surround me.
T’rough de twistin’ dance
Onward do I lance:
Onward under yonder cave
Comes wid me a pantin’ wave,
Speedin’ from de dance
Wid me as I lance.
’Neat’ dis shadin’ hedge
Growin’ by your bridge,
I am thinkin’ o’ you’ love,
Love dat not’in’ can remove,
’Neat’ dis shadin’ hedge
Growin’ by your bridge.
Love more pure, I ken,
Dan de love o’ men,
Knowin’ not de fickle mind
Nor de hatred o’ my kind;
Purer far, I ken,
Dan de love o’ men.
E’en when welcome deat’
Claims dis painful breat’,
Of you I will ever think
Who first gave me crystal drink;
E’en when welcome deat’
Claims dis painful breat’.
For a little while
I must leave your smile:
Raindrops fallin’ from de sky
Force me now to say good-bye;
Jes’ lee bit o’ while
I must leave your smile.
Foamin’ Sukee River,
Dearer now dan ever,
I’ll ne’er roam from you again
To a life o’ so-so pain,
Crystal flowin’ river,
Dearer now dan ever.