PART 2

TRANSITION

The introduction of some life-changing, revolutionary Principles and Steps that will alter the ways to deal with an ex—resulting in incredible emotional health for kids

 

WHO COULD HAVE IMAGINED…

Following our separation my ex and I had waged six costly Parent Wars as well as individual conflicts so numerous they couldn’t be counted. I hated the ground she walked on. I detested the air she breathed. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with her.

Yet, everything their mother and I did to each other seemed to land directly on our kids—particularly our daughter, who took the full brunt of our Wars.

Yet, everything their mother and I did to each other seemed to land directly on our kids—particularly our daughter…

My daughter was now completely lost—a once vibrant young girl now a human shell—distraught, filled with rebellion, unskilled, unprepared, and unable to manage an adult world or normal adult pressures and responsibilities.

Who could ever imagine that she would experience such an amazing turnaround?

Over the next ten years she would go from hating herself to loving her life; from hurting herself to honoring her body; from incorrigible and damaging behavior to responsible behavior; from someone who couldn’t write a complete sentence to a senior in college and soon to graduate; from someone whose friends were as damaged as herself to a successful marriage and children; from living off of friends to owning her own beautiful home; from someone who could not hold down a part-time job to rising to an executive level within a national company.

What happened to my daughter was nothing short of miraculous. What I had discovered worked!

QUESTIONS THAT WOULDN’T GO AWAY

Once I became a separated parent myself, I became aware of a huge number of separated parents who, like me, lived with endless complaints about their exes and problems with their kids.

Some of what I saw made sense: troubled parents producing troubled kids, good parents producing good kids.

But I also saw things that didn’t make any sense. Sometimes really good separated parents—responsible separated parents—had deeply troubled children.

I would wonder how such great parents could have such damaged kids.

I would wonder how such great parents could have such damaged kids.

This curiosity led me to my present career—working with separated parents.

Over the next fifteen years I spoke personally with thousands of separated parents, gathering reams of stories and information, observing countless failures and successes. And over this decade and a half, clear patterns began to emerge.

 

THE STRUCTURES WITHIN

Working exclusively with separated parents was like having a front row seat watching the effects of the staggering loss and heartbreak on parents and their kids.

I saw the incredible influence of parents’ behavior on their children.

I saw how the words and actions of parents—or their lack of words or actions—penetrated the hearts of their children, deeply affecting and altering them.

And I saw the effects of parent behavior linger throughout the children’s lives.

And I saw the effects of parent behavior linger throughout the children’s lives.

I have met with innumerable adults well into their forties and fifties who continue to be affected by a parent’s rejection or some gross irresponsibility that occurred decades ago. And when they talk about it, all the emotions surface like it happened yesterday.

Why the lifelong effects? Why do parents have such long-range influence on their children?

The reason is because of their biological connections. Through the evidence of DNA, children are biologically made up of half their mother and half their father.

Using the structure of a building to represent the child’s internal framework, we see the half mother and half father.

Illustration 1: Children have an internal framework made up of half mother and half father

But the connections are far more than just physical. The biology shared between parents and their children appears to also include parts of the parents’ emotional, mental, social, and perhaps even their spiritual makeup.

Coaches, teachers, stepparents, and non-biological guardians may be influential in the lives of children, but the biological parents can never be discounted. Non-biological adults may indeed influence the kids but the children’s biological parents have impacted and will impact them deeply—even parents who are distant or are no longer part of a child’s life.

One fellow told me that a particular coach over a period of eight years had far more influence on him than his grossly irresponsible parents, an influence that was life-altering for him.

I agreed with the fellow, but he shouldn’t so quickly discount his parents. Where did he get his natural ability to play sports in the first place? And, where did he get his intense attention to detail and his natural leadership ability? If he thinks it all came from his coach, he needs to think again.

Whether living or not, present or absent, parents will always play a strong role in their children’s lives.

It’s the biological connections between parents and their children that give the parents their awesome—and at the same time potentially destructive—access directly into the hearts of their kids.

It’s the biological connections between parents and their children that give the parents their awesome—and at the same time potentially destructive—access directly into the hearts of their kids.

Consider what happens when a child is negatively impacted by the ongoing actions of an irresponsible mother. As represented in Illustration 2, this mother’s choices have caused significant emotional damage to the mother side of her child’s internal framework.

Illustration 2: The damaged mother side of the child

If this mother had been a responsible parent, her child would have remained structurally whole. But the years of neglect and poor behavior by the mother caused her child severe emotional damage.

Again, using a building to illustrate a child’s internal framework, Illustration 3 shows the effects on a child negatively impacted by the ongoing actions of his irresponsible father, causing damage to the father side of the child:

Illustration 3: The damaged father side of the child

The father, having no idea that his child is made up of half of him, is oblivious to the deep connection between himself and his child. Nor does this father have any clue as to the incredible impact of his self-centered and careless activities on his child, causing the child immense internal destruction.

Below is a child’s internal framework when both parents live grossly irresponsible lives. The entire framework has been damaged.

Illustration 4: The damaged mother and father sides of the child

If not repaired, any internal damage inflicted by a parent can last a lifetime.

One mom said to me, “Sure, my ex and I have made some mistakes, but kids are resilient.”

But that’s the problem. Broken kids are not resilient. Broken kids usually don’t get over it.

Broken kids are not resilient. Broken kids usually don’t get over it.

MY DISCOVERY

So, who damages kids?

Bad parents damage their children.

Because of their biological connections—giving parents powerful access directly into the hearts of their kids—and because of their poor behaviors, bad parents break down their children’s internal structures.

But bad parents are not the only ones who can damage their kids.

Good, innocent, faithful, responsible, wholesome parents can also damage their kids.

And, good kids can damage themselves.

I’ve seen good parents cause their children terrible structural damage. And, I’ve seen responsible children cause themselves severe damage while their parents have no idea that structural damage is even taking place.

How is this possible? How can good parents damage their children, and how can good kids damage themselves?

The answers are found in the following two Principles.

 

PRINCIPLE ONE

Principle One: What parents do to each other, they do directly to their kids.

It is a pattern repeated endlessly: How parents respond toward each other directly impacts the emotional health of their children.

What we as parents do to each other penetrates right into our kids. Animosity and bitterness between parents become toxins that pierce the souls of their children.

If parents are negative toward each other, those same negative responses cause deep structural damage in their kids.

Look at these common phrases good, well-meaning parents, say:

“Your mother is nothing but a hardship to me. She’s taking me to court again.”

“Your father’s late again.”

“I can’t afford a baseball mitt. Your father doesn’t pay me enough money.”

“Your mother’s spending all the money I give her on herself.”

“Your father only cares about his girlfriend.”

Even without speaking a word, we can send strong negative messages to our kids. Through the rolling of our eyes, our sighs, and our body language we say:

“He’s worthless.”

“I can’t stand her.”

“He’s so selfish and self-centered. He’s only taking our kids to Disneyland because he wants to go himself.”

“She’s pure evil. Everything about her is wrong.”

“He fails at everything.”

“I wish she’d just fall off the face of the planet.”

“I’ll never forget the hurt he has caused all of us.”

And then there is what we say to our friends and relatives about our exes. If you think your kids aren’t listening or aren’t aware, think again:

“He’s just the sperm donor.”

“She’s just the egg donor.”

“I wish she’d just leave. We’d all be a lot happier.”

“He’s always out with his girlfriend.”

“We can see where her priorities lie.”

“He might as well have abandoned his kids.”

What takes place between parents is replicated inside the children.

When a parent is in conflict with the other parent, one ‘parent half’ within the child is in conflict with the other half. With the child experiencing internal structural wars, breakdown and damage are going to occur.

One woman approached me at a conference and began telling me the faults of her ex, with her elementary school daughter standing right beside her. As the mother noticed me looking at her child, she quickly said, “Oh, I never speak against my children’s father. I’m just telling you what he did.” This mom had no idea that her words were piercing right into the heart of her young child.

Silence can be just as damaging.

How do we normally respond when our kids are all excited about going to a theme park next week with their other parent? We probably say nothing. Or, if we do say something, it is short and rarely enthusiastic.

But, it’s our silence, our lack of interest, our short answers and changing the subject that will penetrate right into our children’s structure, cracking it up.

How natural it is to shut out the other parent, to point out the other parent’s faults and failures. We say what we want, get it off our chest, and feel perfectly fine.

But our children are not fine. Instead of being sources of healing and comfort we damage them by our words and attitudes against their other parent.

But, it’s our silence, our lack of interest, our short answers and changing the subject that will penetrate right into our children’s structure, cracking it up.

And it’s not just what we say or don’t say. It’s what we do as well.

One mom who needed to work late arranged to have her sister drop off her kids for their weekend with their father. But when the father heard that his ex wasn’t driving the kids, he refused to see the sister, reminding her that the custody papers stated clearly that his ex was to drop off the kids. He told the mother that if she didn’t comply, he’d sue her in court.

One dad was always late—sometimes hours late—when picking up or dropping off his kids, and he knew it caused problems for his ex. The mother’s list of missed schedules and events was long and maddening because of the deliberately hurtful actions of this father. Yet, the father was personally thrilled knowing he was causing his ex all these difficulties. He wanted to disrupt her life as much as possible.

Another dad had a special family reunion coming up and asked for a couple of extra days with his son so the boy could spend time with his cousins and relatives. His ex refused. Her reasoning? The father refused to give her any of his time when she needed it so why should she give him any of hers? Serves him right.

And the list goes on and on….

Parents can cause all the hardships they want to other people and it probably won’t affect the children. But cause hardship to the children’s other parent, and it will emotionally damage the kids. Children are irreversibly bound to both parents. What you do to your children’s other parent, you do directly to your children.

Troubled kids can even come out of great households and great remarriages.

Troubled kids can even come out of great households and great remarriages.

I know two parents, once married, both now in second marriages and doing well. Both parents are responsible, live in nice homes, and are involved with their kids. Yet their kids are emotional wrecks.

What a surprise for these two parents to learn that the foundations of emotional health in children are not based on the two parents’ own personal happiness, or their wonderful second marriages, or their great home environments, or even their great parenting skills.

It’s Principle One: What parents do to each other, they do directly to their kids.

What a surprise for these two parents to learn that the foundations of emotional health in children are not based on the two parents’ own personal happiness…

With a closer look we discover that the two parents are in constant conflict. They often speak against each other, desiring to turn their children’s loyalties away from the other household—and by doing this they are ravishing their children’s hearts.

In all other aspects both parents are great parents. They love their kids and are providing for them in the best way they know how.

But Principle One is emphatic. Positive response and positive interaction between parents is what builds emotional health in kids.

Frequently, it’s not the evil, adulterous parent only but the good, innocent, faithful parent who messes up the kids.

Frequently, it’s not the evil, adulterous parent only but the good, innocent, faithful parent who messes up the kids.

One woman left her husband and moved in with her boyfriend, taking her young children with her. She and her boyfriend married as soon as their divorces became final. This mother holds no ill-will toward her former husband and would like her kids to remain as close to their father as possible. She has asked her ex to put aside their differences so they can get along as friends. There is nothing that would please this mother more than if the father would welcome her and her new husband when they see each other at their children’s numerous activities.

The father, however, will have none of it. To this faithful father, his ex-wife cannot betray him, tear out his heart, take his children, divide up their assets, and then ask for everyone to just be friends. No way is this man going to have anything to do with his treacherous ex-wife or her wife-stealing husband.

So, which parent is causing the most damage to the children?

What began as injury to the children because of the actions of the mother has sunk to a whole new level with the continued negative actions of the father. The mother caused a one-time train wreck in the lives of her kids by breaking up the family, but the father is continuing this train wreck every day. It is his continued negative response toward his ex that is damaging his children. Now it is the father’s actions, not the actions of the mother, that are so harmful to the kids.

The mother caused a one-time train wreck in the lives of her kids by breaking up the family, but the father is continuing this train wreck every day.

Regardless of who caused the separation, regardless of the fault or innocence of either parent, if one parent continues to behave in a negative manner toward the other parent, it will be those negative words and attitudes and actions that will tragically impact their kids.

It’s not about fairness. It’s not about right or wrong. It is about how parents respond toward each other that determines the emotional health of their kids. It’s about Principle One: What parents do to each other they do directly to their kids.

But isn’t this father right to believe that it is his evil, immoral, unfaithful, self-centered, godless, irresponsible, loathsome ex-wife who messed up their children?

The reality is it’s usually the innocent parent, the faithful parent, the responsible parent, the parent who stands for truth, the parent who loves the most, the parent who has sacrificed the most, who will likely cause the most ongoing damage to the children. Why? Because it is this parent who most likely won’t let the violations of the past go.

Look at this father. He’s the good guy with regard to his separation. But he’s the one hanging onto the past—all the betrayals and deceit and suffering—and remaining negative toward the other parent.

But isn’t this father right to believe that it is his evil, immoral, unfaithful, self-centered, godless, irresponsible, loathsome ex-wife who messed up their children?

Even neutral responses between parents are damaging.

There was one set of parents who, once separated, behaved as if the other parent never existed. Since their children were older the parents had nothing to do with each other. Yet, their children were surprisingly troubled.

What went wrong? Unknown to these parents, it was their ongoing wholesale neglect of each other and the complete absence of any positive interaction between them that damaged their kids.

How can parents with zero positive comments or actions toward each other raise positive children? Principle One says it can’t happen. What parents do to each other they do directly to their kids. What goes on between parents is duplicated internally within their children’s structures. In this case the neglect between the parents has created this same neglect between the mother half and father half within their children.

Response is everything! The foundations of emotional health in children are built on how biological parents respond and interact with each other.

How can parents with zero positive comments or actions toward each other raise positive children?

Look at how I responded to my children’s mother.

Because I knew nothing about Principle One at the time, I thought I could treat my children’s mother any way I wanted—harboring animosity or criticism toward her or completely ignoring her—without any negative consequences for my kids.

And when my children began behaving badly, I, of course, blamed their mom. In my mind it was clearly her betrayal and her self-centered actions that had caused my children such distress. I, of course, was completely pure in my own eyes. Yet, by my treating my children’s mother like dirt, I treated my children like dirt. By criticizing their mother I criticized part of them. By hating their mother I hated part of them. By ignoring their mother I ignored part of them.

By my treating my children’s mother like dirt, I treated my children like dirt.

I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea that everything to do with stability and happiness for my kids rode on how I treated their mother.

One fellow, very concerned for his children, lamented that Principle One was virtually impossible for him to fulfill. He said that he has tried to build a good working relationship with his ex but his ex refuses to even acknowledge his existence.

But Principle One isn’t about relationships.

Principle One is only about response.

Relationships are up and down and come and go. But it’s the steady, consistent, and on-going positive responses by one determined parent that will start to build emotionally healthy kids.

I asked the man to be encouraged. He can begin. His good responses alone will go far in helping to restore his children to emotional health regardless of how his ex might respond in return.

This is the power and incredible influence of Principle One: What parents do to each other they do directly to their kids.

 

PRINCIPLE TWO

Principle Two: What children do to their parents, they do directly to themselves.

The response of children toward their parents impacts the children.

How children react to their parents determines their own emotional well-being.

It’s a mirror effect. Children become how they respond toward either parent.

If a child is at peace with a parent, peace will reflect back inside the child. If a child is rude and belligerent toward a parent, that same rudeness and belligerence will reflect deeply into the parent half of that child.

Response for response, attitude for attitude, children become how they respond toward either parent.

It’s a mirror effect. Children become how they respond toward either parent.

One mother left her husband and daughter to go live with another man. Devastated, the teenage daughter criticized her mother and withdrew from her. The father supported his daughter’s behavior agreeing with her that her mother had become a worthless parent.

But what the father and daughter did not know was that when the daughter opposed her mother she opposed half herself.

She had become her own worst enemy.

In criticizing her mother she unknowingly criticized herself. In being rude and angry toward her mother she became rude and angry toward herself. In withdrawing affection from her mother she withdrew affection from herself.

How could she not become damaged? It soon became evident that some emotional pieces were missing. Within a couple of years the daughter began moving from relationship to relationship. Of course, everyone blamed the terrible mom.

In being rude and angry toward her mother she became rude and angry toward herself.

When a child opposes a parent, it’s the child who suffers.

Sure, this mom was affected by her daughter’s emotional withdrawal. But it was the daughter who became altered. What the daughter did to her mother she did directly to herself.

So, with the assistance of her well-meaning father, this daughter caused her own structural breakdown.

And it can get worse.

One mom, having been betrayed by her husband, objected to the way her sons innocently loved and accepted their father. She determined that her two boys would know the truth about their father and that his cheating and irresponsible behavior would never be honored or rewarded. Over time the mom was successful at turning the affections of her two kids away from their father.

Normally this mother would have influenced her children to never see their father again except that, in their case, their father had money. In the mom’s eyes he could at least be useful. So she taught her sons that their father owed them for all the problems they were experiencing and that he should pay. She taught them well. They learned to extort money from their father, favoring him if he gave it to them, turning away from him if he refused.

How could the two sons not become emotionally damaged? What they did to their father they did directly to themselves.

Today the two sons, both professionals in the eyes of the world, are wrecks in their personal lives. Of course the mother and adult sons continue to blame the father.

Normally this mother would have influenced her children to never see their father again, except that the father had money.

Name a separated parent who doesn’t applaud when their children oppose the other, offending parent. Don’t we endorse, to some degree, our children’s disrespect toward the other parent? And aren’t we pleased when our children finally recognize the other parent’s true colors? Don’t we want our children to avoid wrong behavior? Don’t we want them to honor right choices and turn away from people who do wrong? Don’t we want them to side with the truth?

So, why shouldn’t we coach our children against their offending parent?

Because the results will be incredibly damaging to the children.

Don’t we endorse, to some degree, our children’s disrespect toward the other parent?

My son and daughter were two and five years old when their mother left, too young to develop negative opinions about her. So, I took on the task of training them against her.

I believed that if they accepted their mother, it meant that they would turn out to be like her—which would be an outrage to me.

So I taught them to oppose her. I told them that mommy should be home with us, that it was wrong for her to have left us. It was wrong for their mother to date other men, that she should only be with me.

I was convinced that I was teaching them the right things.

Soon my children began to clash with their mother. At an early age they would tell her about her wrongs. Of course, their mother hotly defended her actions, contradicting everything I said about her, countering with lists of my faults and failures.

She told them that she had hated to leave but she had to because of how I treated her. She explained to them that the only way she could ever be happy again was to leave the marriage.

When back with me my kids poured out everything their mother told them. “What?” I would say. “She said that? That’s a bold-faced lie.” Then I would lay out my defense and offer further criticisms of her. So back and forth it would go, our verbal wars dragging our poor little children deep into our animosities and conflicts.

When back with me my kids poured out everything their mother told them. “What?” I would say. “She said that? That’s a bold-faced lie.”

Here were my innocent children, loving me, vulnerable and open to me, looking to me, trusting in everything I had to say, and here I was pouring into their souls toxic information. Of course they would nod their heads in agreement. Of course they would fully support everything I told them. And then they would give their mother the same support and agreement. They were little children—what else could they do? The results were confusing and structurally devastating to them.

And of course when they were older they would make up their own minds as to who was right and who was wrong, favoring one parent over the other—all to their terrible damage. Our lethal conflicts and accusations freely invaded their hearts—particularly my daughter, who took the full impact of our Wars.

What began as a nightmare between my ex-wife and me ended up with our kids carrying our nightmares deep within themselves.

What began as a nightmare between my ex-wife and me ended up with our kids carrying our nightmares deep within themselves.

This was Principle Two at work: What children do to their parents they do directly to themselves.

 

THE NEGATIVE ACTIONS OF THE MOM (PRINCIPLE ONE) AND THE NEGATIVE ACTIONS OF THE CHILDREN (PRINCIPLE TWO) BRING DOWN THE CHILDREN

A fellow in his mid-twenties called me to ask if I would be willing to speak to his organization. He told me he had heard me speak about the Two Principles before and that what I had to say applied directly to his family and might be of some help to members of the group.

I asked him to tell me about his family.

He said, “My four younger brothers and sisters are basically human wreckage.”

His mother and father divorced when he was an infant, and his mother later remarried and had four children with her second husband. Eventually this husband left the mother for someone else, forcing the mom to raise her children by herself.

Over the years the mother had remained bitter against the dad. She recruited her children to join with her against their father, taking every opportunity to remind them of their father’s failures.

I could hear the sadness in his voice as he described the emotional trauma this had on his brothers and sisters. And he could see how the wars of the mom against the dad attacked the father half of the kids (Principle One), and how the wars of the children against their own father became their wars against the father half of themselves (Principle Two).

Saying that his younger brothers and sisters were basically human wreckage was amazingly accurate.

Here’s what they looked like inside:

Illustration 5: The completely damaged father part of the children

ARE PRINCIPLES ONE AND TWO THE ONLY PRINCIPLES THAT BUILD HEALTHY KIDS?

Of course not.

In buildings, it is the floors, walls, windows, and elevators that make the building usable. But these components can only be added once the structure of the building is up and intact.

It’s the same way in children—essential components such as self-discipline, self-reliance, personal responsibility, virtue, patience, and self-control are what make kids successful, but they can only be added to an intact internal framework.

Crack a tall building’s internal structure or remove its structural framework and all the essential components added to it, like floors, walls, and windows, become useless.

In the same way, crack the internal structure of a child and the essential components added to the child, like self-discipline and personal responsibility, won’t work well either.

Stable structures in buildings and in kids support the essential components.

Preserve the children’s internal structures—or restore them—and you can add all the components you want.

Consider my daughter.

Any attempt on my part or her mother’s part to control our teenage daughter was completely futile.

Imagine me trying to talk to my daughter about how she styled her hair, or her choice of friends, or the importance of making good grades while inside her were all these raging wars and massive structural breakdown. It was impossible. She couldn’t hear a word I was saying. Within her were these incredible struggles and ongoing personal failures and overwhelming guilt—and here I was talking to her about her hair?

Within her were these incredible struggles and ongoing personal failures and overwhelming guilt—and here I was talking to her about her hair?

Even when she tried to improve herself, she failed. Her dreams of living just a basic life were constantly sabotaged by her inability to function normally. Her conclusion: Why try?

Dominated by her internal brokenness all she was capable of doing was making poor decisions and displaying difficult behaviors.

What my daughter needed was not another lecture on personal improvement but major internal structural repair.

Years later, when I had developed the Two Principles, I finally had the tools to begin to rebuild her. I couldn’t control my daughter’s behavior, but I could rebuild her soul. And once I figured this out and began following the Principles, miraculous changes began to take place inside my daughter.

I couldn’t control my daughter’s behavior, but I could rebuild her soul.

MY REACTIONS AGAINST MY OWN RESEARCH

When I first developed the Two Principles and began to understand them, I realized they were pointing fingers of blame directly at me. They accused me of damaging my own children.

The Principles were saying that yes, my ex’s behaviors did indeed damage our children, but I was responsible, too.

That didn’t sit well with me.

I immediately opposed my own findings.

How dare these Principles cast an accusing eye at me! How dare they suggest that my children’s negative reactions against their mother were damaging to them!

Isn’t it true that it’s the inconsiderate, irresponsible, selfish, and self-centered parents—parents who abandon their children or who abuse them—who cause their kids to have problems?

And since this is true, I believed it was my ex’s self-centered and negligent actions against my children that damaged them. She’s the one the Principles should accuse of messing up my kids, not me.

But now here are the Two Principles telling me that I’m also responsible for my daughter’s and son’s structural damage.

No way. It can’t be true.

My focus was on my ex’s behavior. The Principles’ focus was directly on me.

My focus was on my ex’s behavior. The Principles’ focus was directly on me.

There was no argument on the part of the Principles that poor parent behavior damages kids. Yes. Bad parents damage kids. And they agreed with me that my ex was at fault. Yes, my ex was at fault.

But they also accused me.

Over time, as I continued working with hundreds of separated parents, I saw that the Principles were right, that it’s not about terrible parent behavior as much as it is about terrible parent responses—that the real damage to children is caused by the hostile responses between parents and the hostile responses of kids toward their parents.

I ached to realize that for the past twenty years, all the responses my children ever heard from me about their mother were negative.

As I understood more about the Two Principles, I began to see that I was their chief offender.

My kids were in serious trouble and it was because of me.

I finally l got it.

What had I done to my kids?

In openly resisting their mother, in speaking against her, in disrespecting her, in loathing her, in hating the ground she walked on, I had inserted all of this animosity forcefully and directly into the hearts of my kids. It was my actions against my children’s mother and my training my children to oppose their mother that had dismantled them.

It was sheer anguish for me to realize that all my children had ever known was their parents in conflict. For the past two decades my focus had been entirely against their mother. Growing up, my children had never experienced positive responses between their parents. From their childhood to adulthood their mother and I had always been in some sort of Parent War.

In every aspect and at every point the Principles opposed me.

They opposed what I believed, clashed with what I stood for, disagreed with how I reacted to my children’s mother, and fought against how I taught my kids to disrespect her.

They forcefully stated to me that I had failed my children, that I wasn’t the great parent I thought I was, and that I had brought to ruin the mother side of their internal structures.

It wasn’t my daughter who had failed as a teenager. It was I who had failed as a parent. It wasn’t my daughter’s terrible choices. It was my terrible choices. It wasn’t her bad behavior. It was my bad behavior.

It wasn’t my daughter who had failed as a teenager. It was I who had failed as a parent.

If it is true—and it is true—that what parents do to each other deeply impacts the structural health of their children, then I was surely to blame.

If it is true—and it is true—that negative responses of children toward a parent impact their structural health, then my turning my son’s and my daughter’s hearts against their mother most certainly caused them structural damage.

I could have probably prevented most of our Parent Wars. I could have pursued resolutions other than hating her. I could have brought peace between us. It would have taken some time and effort but I could have established a working relationship between us. But no, I chose to oppose their mother. For years I wanted my children’s mother out of my children’s lives.

My poor children.

My daughter later told me that all she wanted in her life was to be normal, to be able to make normal life choices, and to be able to take control of her life.

My daughter later told me that all she wanted in her life was to be normal, to be able to make normal life choices, and to be able to take control of her life. But the brokenness and the internal battles raging inside her prevented her from moving in the direction of stability, normalcy, and peace.

It was time for me to stop blaming her mom.

To begin the process of restoration in my daughter, I needed to quit focusing on the behaviors of my ex. I needed to quit looking at her as the problem. I needed to begin looking at myself as the problem. I needed to change my own behaviors and pay attention to my own responses as a parent.

SOLUTIONS BECOME INCREASINGLY CLEAR

Once the Two Principles became clear, solutions for troubled, separated-parent families became easier to figure out.

One stepmom was about to separate from her stepfamily because the conflicts with her stepson appeared to be unsolvable. So she contacted me.

This stepmom told me that her sixteen-year-old stepson was a good kid, but not to her. Around her he was critical and insulting.

She demanded that her husband stand up to his son’s rude behavior but the husband refused. In fact, the dad declared the stepmom to be the problem, blaming her for the boy’s negative reactions. So the family was at an impasse. Having lost support from her husband, the only solution the stepmother could see was to leave the marriage.

As I interviewed her, I identified that in their case the problem wasn’t between the stepmom and the stepson as everyone thought. The problem was between the dad and his ex-wife.

Following their separation things went well for the dad but not for his ex and she resents it. Blaming her ex for her difficulties, she has successfully influenced her son against his dad and stepmother. But because the boy is reluctant to outwardly oppose his father, he takes out his frustrations on his stepmom.

I told this couple that if the dad and his ex were at peace, the problem between the stepmom and her stepson would likely vanish.

…if the dad and his ex were at peace, the problem between the stepmom and her stepson would likely vanish.

And it did.

Both the father and the stepmom immediately agreed to give the mother her rightful place of respect as the boy’s mother and ceased criticizing her. They began speaking well of the mom to the boy, complimenting her and telling respectful stories, funny stories about the mom, knowing these stories would be communicated back to her.

What was also extremely helpful was the stepmom taking the heroic measure of inviting the mom to coffee, which the mom accepted.

A few months later the stepmother reported that there was almost a miraculous change in her stepson’s behavior. They are actually getting along. The dad even reported that his own relationship with his son is much better.

What was thought to be a stepmother/stepson problem was actually a Parent War problem. Once the exes experienced peace, their son also calmed down. This is Principle One: What parents do to each other directly impacts their children.

Even future behaviors became predictable.

I was visiting a stepfamily at their home when a large fully detailed pickup truck came roaring up the street, coming to a stop in front of the house. It was the boy’s dad arriving to pick up his son for his weekend time. I happened to be standing outside when the truck pulled up and was glad to meet this man who was groomed and dressed as immaculately as his truck. I introduced myself and told the man I was visiting the mom and stepfather of his son. The father was cordial and talkative, and we had a nice few minutes together while waiting for his son to come outside.

But when his twelve-year-old appeared, the father became noticeably agitated. He roughly asked his son why he didn’t have his extra jeans and shirts. When the boy gave him a blank stare, the father began pouring out his frustrations on the boy. “Can you believe your mother? She said she’d have your clothes ready when I picked you up and they’re not. Figures. She forgot. Can’t your mother do anything right? Has she ever done anything she says she will do? Not on your life. You go back into that house and get those clothes!”

Can’t your mother do anything right? Has she ever done anything she says she will do? Not on your life.

Once the son went back into the house, some time passed before we saw him again. I later learned that the mom and son spent some frantic minutes trying to locate the clothes and finally gave up. They couldn’t readily be found—probably being mixed in with his stepbrother’s clothes. So, with his head lowered and shoulders sagging he came outside clearly dreading to inform his already stressed-out father that they couldn’t find the clothes, but that they would be ready the next time he came. With the dad still fuming they both got into the truck and roared away. I felt sorry for the boy as I stood there watching the blur of steel and chrome disappear down the street, knowing that he was continuing to get an earful of his father’s anger toward his mother.

So there it happened. Right in front of me the father verbally cut into the boy’s heart. Without a clue as to the powerful access he has into his son’s life, in speaking against the mother, he damaged the internal structure of his son. All the boy could do was accept the injury, hang his head, and feel bad. It only took a few choice sentences from this father to bring this happy and bright young boy down into emotional heaviness.

Because of the continued wars between the parents it wasn’t difficult to guess this young man’s future. Now in his twenties, the boy is a disappointment to both parents because of his obvious immaturity and irresponsibility. Of course, each parent blames the other parent.

Right in front of me the father verbally cut into his son’s heart.

But, sometimes things just don’t add up.

I was one of the speakers at a large two-day conference for single parents. We had been asked to arrive early and gather together to meet the keynote speaker. When introduced to us he told us his personal story—how his first wife left him and how he retained primary custody of his daughter.

He informed us about his second marriage and how pleased he was that his daughter had grown to care for her stepmother, even calling her Mom. In fact, he laughed as he told us that his daughter was now calling her bio-mother her ‘egg donor,’ saying things like, “I’m going over to the egg donor’s house tomorrow.”

In fact, he laughed as he told us that his daughter was now calling her bio-mother her ‘egg donor,’ saying things like, “I’m going over to the egg donor’s house tomorrow.”

He ended his introduction by telling us how great things were in his second marriage and how great his daughter was doing in their stepfamily.

At this point I was skeptical.

What he was saying about his daughter didn’t add up.

How could his daughter be doing so well? She had to be adversely affected by her parents’ ongoing wars. Principle One: What parents do to each other, they do directly to their kids.

And how could the daughter treat her mother so badly and not have damaged herself? Principle Two: What children do to their parents, they do directly to themselves.

Since the divorce occurred years earlier, she by now had to be negatively affected. But this speaker was describing something entirely different, saying everything about his daughter was fine.

After thinking about this speaker’s story throughout the two-day conference I concluded that he had embellished his story. I believed that he got caught up in the emotions of the moment, telling us more about what he wished would happen with his daughter than how things really were.

I thought I would wait it out and see what I could learn.

It didn’t take long.

Before the conference was over, the speaker pulled me aside and told me that his daughter was having some serious behavioral problems.

Now everything made sense.

I was sorry for the father and I sincerely wished things had been different for his daughter—but the rules are the rules.

…I sincerely wished things had been different for his daughter—but the rules are the rules.

 

OTHERS’ REACTIONS TO THE TWO PRINCIPLES

Many separated parents have difficulty with the Two Principles when they first hear about them.

Not surprising. So did I.

Most of the opposition comes from people who believe they have been, and still are, the good parents.

Good parents object to any suggestion about giving honor or respect to the bad parent.

And they object, as I did, to any suggestion that they are responsible for any of their children’s difficulties. They continue to insist, as I used to, that it’s the irresponsible and destructive behaviors of the bad parent that have damaged their kids.

Good parents object to any suggestion about giving honor or respect to the bad parent.

During a single-parent/blending family conference a woman said to me, “I really like what you have to say—but it doesn’t apply to me. My ex is the one who needs to hear this. He’s the one who left me for another woman and the one who has hurt my children.”

I said to her, “I was talking about your response toward your ex. How’s that going?”

“Oh, I never speak against my ex. It’s my ex who speaks against me.”

“When was the last time you said something positive about the other parent to your kids? And what did you say?”

“No. You don’t understand. Let me tell you what he’s done to my kids and me and you’ll see why he’s the problem. He dated my best friend behind my back and then married her…He lied to me about working late…He stole all our money…He won’t return any of my texts or calls…He’s the one who is irresponsible…” and on and on.

I asked, “So how are your children with their father? Are they in touch with him and do they get along well with him?”

“Look. I wasn’t the one who deserted my kids,” she said. “He barely attends their practices and games…He was late to his own son’s birthday party…It’s clear to my kids he has chosen his new wife over them…He won’t even call his children regularly. I don’t blame my children for withdrawing from their father after being treated this way.”

Parents seem to make it a challenge to prove to me why, in their case, the Two Principles don’t apply to them.

Parents seem to make it a challenge to prove to me why, in their case, the Two Principles don’t apply to them. They bring up the most horrendous stories they can think of about their exes to prove to me their opposition is justified.

One parent confronted me saying, “My wife left me, took my kids, sued me in court and got my retirement and, according to you, I’m supposed to do what? Just act like nothing’s happened? Easy for you to say….”

A woman asked, “He takes our eleven-year-old son to inappropriate movies. How can I be okay with that?”

Another said, “He drops our kids off at the Mall completely unsupervised while he takes off all day with his girlfriend. And you’re asking me to put up with that type of behavior?”

One very defensive mom was so angry she could hardly speak to me. “My ex is a Disneyland dad. When the kids return home, it takes me three days to get them back to normal schedules and normal controls. He makes me look like the bad parent. And you’re saying I’m supposed to just respect this guy? He’s the one who should respect me.”

And then a dad told me, “Every time my kids come back home, I hear about what their mother did on her weekends. ‘Hey Dad, we stayed at Dan’s house last weekend. He’s really cool. He’s got a swimming pool.’ Or, ‘We like Rob a lot. He made us banana splits.’ Another time my kids said, ‘We don’t like Andy. He made mommy cry.’ The dad asked, “And you’re saying I’m just to accept all this?”

A woman asked, “He takes our eleven-year-old son to inappropriate movies. How can I be okay with that?”

The problem is parents are focused more on the behaviors of their ex than on what is required to build structural health in their kids. Because of the ex’s terrible behaviors they act as if they are exempt from any responsibility to respond well. To them, the other parent has become irrelevant to their children’s emotional health and stability.

But the Principles absolutely disagree. Children are still biologically connected to both parents. It is both parents who hold the keys to their children’s well-being.

Positive response between parents is everything.

“THE GIFT OF MY DAD”

One man told me that when he was six years old, he remembered his mother crying all the time. He knew his father was with another woman and the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. He determined then and there that he would no longer be friends with his dad. But this mother, after hearing her son say something disparaging about his father, told him in no uncertain terms that he was never to speak against his father again. She told him his father was a good man and loved him very much and that he was to love his father back.

And his mother made good on her words. This man said that he has never heard his mother speak a critical word about his father, and that she always encouraged him to spend as much time with his father as he wanted, even if it meant living with his dad—which he did for several years while growing up.

Then this man made a statement I’ll never forget. He said to me, “When I was six years old, my mother gave me the gift of my dad.”

This mother preserved the dad half of her son.

No wonder this young man grew up to be stable, responsible, and emotionally healthy.

It’s stories like these that just don’t stop. Over and over again the Two Principles continue to prove themselves as the solutions to building emotionally healthy kids.

 

THE SEVEN STEPS

So what do we do now? How do we fulfill the Two Principles? What does positive response toward our ex look like?

Are we supposed to become friends?

Are we to invite the ex and the ex’s partner to a barbecue in our back yard?

How are we to communicate with the other parent? How supportive are we to be? Are the Two Principles suggesting that we just surrender to our exes and let them have their way? Are we to just say yes to everything?

Can’t we oppose anything about our exes? Are we to just ignore the years of treachery against us and act as if nothing ever happened? What kind of standards will we be teaching our children? Can’t we instill in our children right from wrong? What can we say and what should we not say? Is admitting to our kids we have done things wrong toward the other parent the best thing for them?

We now have the Two Principles, but how are we to fulfill them?

Are we supposed to become friends? Are we to invite the ex and the ex’s partner to a barbecue in our back yard?

Over time I learned the answers to all of these questions.

Having seen just about every kind of positive and negative response between separated parents, I developed Seven Steps that are critical to fulfilling the Two Principles and restoring children to emotional health.

Here they are:

Step 1: Understanding

Step 2: Acceptance

Step 3: Amnesia

Step 4: Mercy

Step 5: Neutral—Damaging

Step 6: Benefiting

Step 7: The Cost of Doing Business

 

STEP 1: UNDERSTANDING

A mom and I were talking about her separation and I asked her the same questions I ask everyone: How are you and your ex getting along and how are the kids?

Her response I’ve heard a thousand times.

“Their father is so incredibly self-centered. He acts purely out of his own interests and couldn’t care less about the interests of his kids.”

I asked, “How often do the children see their dad?”

“Let me tell you how bad this man is…” says the mom. And again I sat through a long detailed list of the other parent’s failures and deficiencies.

“How are the kids?”

She said, “Fine.” Then, without even stopping for a breath, she launched off on how selfish and irresponsible the father is and how he has failed his children.

There was no point in asking any more questions. Her focus was entirely on the incompetencies of her ex.

How interesting. I’ll bet there was a time this woman was this dad’s best fan, fully convinced that he was critically important in the lives of their children.

But now, since their separation, look how her opinions have changed. The dad, because of his behaviors, is no longer important in her life and therefore, she thinks, no longer important to her children’s emotional health.

It was this change in Understanding—her reversal of opinion toward the father—that began to damage her kids emotionally.

It was this change in Understanding— her reversal of opinion toward the father—that began to damage her kids emotionally.

Of course, the mother sees herself as innocent and blames the father for her children’s behavioral problems.

But to bring stability back to her children, this mother needs to go back to her original Understanding of the importance of the father.

Understanding is to acknowledge that both biological parents are critical keys to the emotional health of their kids.

If parents lose this Understanding, if parents quit acknowledging the importance of the other parent in the lives of their children, if they treat their exes with contempt or indifference and train their children to do the same, their children will experience internal emotional breakdown.

Understanding will never prevent this mother from privately acknowledging her ex’s weaknesses and failures or make her blind to the bad decisions her ex may make regarding their children. Quite the opposite. Knowing her ex’s problems and shortcomings and making decisions based on this knowledge can provide the children with much-needed safeguards.

But this mother crossed the line when she allowed the failures of her ex to cause her to redefine the father’s importance in her children’s lives.

Understanding says yes to privately being aware of the other parent’s problems and faults. Understanding says yes to setting up as many safeguards for the children as are needed.

But Understanding insists that both parents acknowledge each other as vital to their children’s emotional health.

Regardless of a parent’s hostility, irresponsible behaviors, and personal failures—even child abandonment—both biological parents continue to be critical keys to the stability of their children.

This mother can’t control her ex’s behaviors but she can control hers. She can begin to respond well toward her children’s father and help her children do the same.

This mother can’t control her ex’s behaviors, but she can control hers.

What about foster care? What about adoption? What about alternative means of conception where children may never know their biological parents? What about absent parents or deceased parents? How does all this work?

The importance of the biological parents continues.

Children will always be half their biological mother and half their biological father.

Physical contact between parents and children is not a requirement for children to remain emotionally healthy.

What is required though, is for the acting parent (or caretaker) and the children to continue to maintain some form of respect and positive regard toward the absent parent(s). A single mom whose ex has abandoned the family could say to her children, “Look, your father and I had some real difficulties, and now he’s gone. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. Your father is not in our lives and that’s the way it is. Let’s continue to hope for the best for him and that things are going well.”

See the positive response by this mom? What parents do to each other they do directly to their children. Then, with the help of their mom, it is up to her children to carry some sort of positive regard toward the absent parent. This is Principle Two: What children do to their parents they do directly to themselves.

One middle-aged woman, well dressed, approached me after hearing me speak and told me that the Two Principles clearly explained much of her troubled past.

Because this woman’s parents were in and out of jail and drug rehab centers, as a child she had been made a ward of the state and was raised in foster care homes. In one particular home her foster parents criticized and joked disrespectfully about her parents for many years and she would join in with their negative attitudes and comments. During this time she barely saw her parents, having no desire to visit them.

Yet, living in a stable foster home, she was confused as to why she had this raging war inside of her. All during her teenage years she was a nightmare to be around, hostile to everyone, and constantly in and out of trouble. She told me that it had taken her thirty years to finally calm down from her troubled childhood. And even today she recognizes she is still struggling with some emotional damage.

But the Two Principles explained so much. Those foster parents, not Understanding how to maintain internal health in children, unknowingly contributed to her internal damage. The caregivers thought they were doing the right thing by helping the girl recognize right from wrong. Yet, unknown to everyone, teaching the daughter to ridicule and disrespect both her parents caused the girl to ridicule and disrespect both halves of her internal structure. And that is what certainly contributed to the terrible emotional warfare deep inside her.

Teaching the daughter to ridicule both her parents caused the girl to ridicule both halves of her internal structure.

What if the parents are unknown?

Nothing changes.

I know a woman, adopted as an infant, who loves her non-biological mother and father with the same care and devotion she would if they were her own biological parents. This woman always knew that she was adopted and her parents coached her to carry a positive attitude toward her birth parents. She was told that her birth parents were very young, still in high school when she was born, and that they were good individuals. It had been a very difficult decision for them to give her up, but they wanted their child to have a better life than they could give her.

Everything about the attitudes of the adoptive parents and their adopted daughter toward the birth parents was good and positive. Is it any wonder that this woman is today emotionally healthy?

Make no mistake about it. Although the adoptive parents were huge keys to the stability and well-being of their daughter, it was the girl’s internal framework that was also critical to her emotional health. There is no way the parents would have been so successful with their adopted daughter—no matter what their child-raising skills—if the daughter were broken internally. The girl is still half her birth mother and half her birth father. Strike against her internal structure through criticism—or silence—toward her birth parents and she would have been a nightmare for her adoptive parents. Because those parents modeled a positive respect toward the birth parents, the daughter has a positive respect for herself: What she does to her birth parents she does directly to herself. This set the stage for a great life for this family.

Strike against her internal structure through criticism—or silence—toward her birth parents and she would have been a nightmare for her adoptive parents.

A mom approached me saying that she had a fertilized egg implant and that she and her partner are now raising her two-year-old daughter. She asked how the Principles worked in her case.

I told her that, like with adoption, other alternative means of conception are treated much the same way.

Attaining emotional health in kids is getting as close to the Principles and Steps as possible. This means the only thing this mother and her partner can do is to connect with their daughter as if they are the biological parents, see to it that their daughter treats them as if they are her own biology, and help their daughter carry some form of positive regard toward her actual biological parents (such as: “I’ll bet your donor parents were talented artists just like you!”).

Even the death of an ex doesn’t change how parents or children should respond.

At a meeting with a group of separated parents I mentioned to one of the divorced moms that her recently deceased ex still plays an important part in her children’s lives. The mother corrected me, saying, “No, he’s dead.”

In protest I said to the group that children will always be half their father, making this deceased parent a key to the emotional health of his children. Yet, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the woman turn to her friend and say, “No, he’s not. He’s dead.”

I hope this mom will reconsider. Without positive responses about their father, the father half of her children will be neglected.

This is Step 1: Understanding. Understanding is to acknowledge that children are half mother and half father. Therefore, both biological parents—living or deceased, in their children’s lives or not—will always be keys to the emotional health of their children and must be given considerable respect.

 

STEP 2: ACCEPTANCE

One man I knew was emotionally distraught when his wife left him and their daughter to go live with her boyfriend across town. Both he and his daughter were heartbroken. But his ex hardly noticed or even cared as she was busy building a new life for herself. The daughter found her mother’s departure particularly difficult because she realized that she was no longer a priority in her mom’s life. So, with the support of her father, the daughter withdrew from her mother and the mother’s boyfriend.

But Step 2, Acceptance, has some urgent advice for this father:

Your daughter has been structurally damaged by her mother. If your daughter isn’t taught correctly, the damage caused by her mother’s departure will pale in comparison to the damage your daughter will suffer because of your negative responses toward the mother.

Yes, you and your daughter need time to grieve and work through this difficult event. And yes, you both need time before you decide on new directions for your lives.

But you are out of time when it comes to responding to the mother.

You must act immediately. Right now you have the ability to either dramatically increase the damage in your daughter or reverse the damage and restore your daughter to stability and emotional health.

Restoration for you and your daughter will begin when you Accept what has taken place with your ex.

Acceptance means letting your ex go.

Acceptance means to leave her alone.

Acceptance means to quit thinking everything she does is evil.

It means for you to Accept the reality that your ex is no longer with you, that she has moved on with her life, that she is with another individual, and that your daughter is now going to be raised between two separate households. You must force yourself to make peace with this life and these realities.

You have to quit fighting your ex. You have to quit making problems and quit trying to punish her.

Acceptance means to allow your ex to make decisions for her own life without any criticism or involvement from you.

Acceptance means to recognize your ex’s boyfriend. It’s acknowledging that this individual exists and that he is now part of your ex’s life and therefore part of your daughter’s life.

Acceptance also requires that you accept all the family members of this man—to quit opposing these individuals.

Acceptance means to recognize your ex’s boyfriend. It’s acknowledging that this individual exists and that he is now part of your ex’s life and therefore part of your daughter’s life.

Acceptance does not mean you have to agree with the lifestyle or behaviors of your ex or her new family or anyone else, but it does demand that you begin to respond positively toward them.

Can you change anything about what has happened? Can you bring your ex back? Can you alter in any way whom she dates or chooses to be with? Since the answers are probably no, then you are obligated to Accept your ex, her boyfriend, and the life she has chosen for herself.

The emotional well-being of your daughter is riding on whether or not you choose to Accept your ex.

Can you bring your ex back? Can you alter in any way whom she dates or chooses to be with?

Certainly there are things this father cannot Accept about his ex.

Acceptance is intolerant of any ex who threatens to harm, or has harmed, the parent or children.

If the ex is involved in addictions or criminal behavior, or if the ex is threatening or abusive, all contact between the offending ex and the parent and children must immediately cease until safeguards are in place.

Even between cooperative exes, if emotions get out of hand, if conversations become uncomfortable, Acceptance is all about setting boundaries, saying no, ending phone conversations, and lessening personal contact.

Acceptance is not being a doormat, and certainly not being agreeable to everything the ex wants.

Acceptance will never prevent any parent from seeking to modify custody arrangements or child support, or to defend themselves in court.

Acceptance also has some things to say to the daughter:

Everyone has trouble. Nobody escapes problems. Every one has circumstances they don’t like. Stop requiring everyone around you to live a perfect life. No one has a perfect life—so quit thinking you’re entitled to one. The reality is that people you love will make decisions you don’t like. In your case your mother has decided to leave your family, and her departure has hurt you deeply. But she’s gone, and that’s the way it is. From now on your mother will be living apart from your father and you will be traveling back and forth between households. You are now going to have to Accept what has happened.

Whether you like it or not, what you do to your mother you do directly to yourself because you are half your mother. If you speak against your mother, reject her, or hate her, you will only speak against yourself, reject yourself, and hate yourself.

So stop launching into your list of grievances whenever your mother’s name is mentioned. Quit rolling your eyes; quit being so mean and critical; quit being so arrogant; and quit being such a smart mouth—so entitled and so right about everything. Give your mother some slack. Give her some grace. This is your mother we’re talking about. Give her the respect and honor that is due her as your mother.

Quit rolling your eyes; quit being so mean and critical; quit being so arrogant; and quit being such a smart mouth—so entitled and so right about everything.

The transformational power of Acceptance is beyond imagination.

If we stacked all the failures and faults of the mother on one side of a weight scale and put just one thing—Acceptance by the daughter—on the other side, Acceptance would outweigh and cancel out in the daughter’s life all the bad influences and all the wrongs of her mom.

This is the incredible power of Acceptance.

What Acceptance will do for this daughter borders on the miraculous.

Is Acceptance fair? Is it reasonable? Is it just and equitable?

Not in the slightest.

Acceptance is completely unfair. Acceptance is basically demanding that the father let the mother break his heart, divide up their assets, and alter his life forever—without any criticism or opposition. And for his daughter, Acceptance is demanding that she let her mother depart from their home to discover new relationships and new lifestyles for herself without resistance.

Acceptance is not only unfair, it’s outrageous!

But it will heal this daughter.

The bar of Acceptance has been set high, the challenge is difficult. Yet, the bar can be reached.

If the father and daughter can just take the first steps, if they can Accept the mother and her boyfriend, if they can begin to be kind to them, if they can be gracious to them, and if they can continue to grow in Acceptance toward them, their kindness and Acceptance will restore the life of this daughter—and father.

Acceptance is not only unfair, it’s outrageous! But it will heal this daughter.

What about when the other parent creates hardships for the kids? How does Acceptance work then?

“When we go over on weekends we hardly see our dad,” her children complain to their mother. “We are left alone at his house while he and his girlfriend are always out somewhere.” But the children agree that it is actually better for their dad to be away than to be at home. When he is there, the dad and his girlfriend usually lock themselves away in the dad’s bedroom. The worst thing, according to the kids, is when the girlfriend tries to interact with them. They don’t like her and make certain she knows it. Reacting to their disrespect, the girlfriend calls them brats and they usually end up in shouting matches.

The mother, appalled at what’s going on over at the dad’s house, called the father to voice her complaints. After one particularly heated exchange, the mother told her kids, “Your father’s a jerk.”

The children said in reply, “Yeah, mom, he sure is.”

But Step 2: Acceptance needs to weigh in quickly.

Neglect by the father is bad enough for the kids without the mother inflicting more damage.

In the mother’s mind, she believes she’s right to tell her children the truth about their father. “Let’s not deny the obvious,” she says. And, she’s glad her children agree with her.

Yet, by the mother calling their father a jerk and with the children in full agreement with their mother, she’s dismantling her kids and is assisting them to dismantle themselves.

Acceptance says if we cannot change anything about our exes, if we cannot get relief for our kids, at least let us not cause further damage by encouraging their growing disrespect toward their other parent.

Acceptance says if we cannot change anythingabout our exes, if we cannot get relief for our kids, at least let us not cause further damage by encouraging their growing disrespect towards their other parent.

Remember my daughter’s stepfather? Remember the time he disciplined her by screaming in her face and breaking things in front of her?

Was I just to Accept what was going on with him? Was I just to Accept him treating my daughter this way?

Of course not. I did what I could, which was to seek a change in custody in Parent War 4—but I lost!

How was I to respond now?

One thing I should not have done was to add to my daughter’s troubles by training her to carry animosity and disrespect toward both her mother and stepfather.

She had enough difficulties already without me compounding them.

From my standpoint was Acceptance fair or just? Not in the slightest. But it would have helped my daughter immeasurably.

This is Step 2: Acceptance. Acceptance means that you are to accept life as it is now handed to you. It means to Accept your separation, the fact that you now have an ex, and the reality that your children are going to be raised between two households. It means to Accept your ex’s partner, the partner’s children and family, and to allow them, with safeguards in place, into your life and your children’s lives.

 

STEP 3: AMNESIA

After suffering through betrayal and emotional loss and a lengthy divorce, one father questioned why his ex-wife was being so generously rewarded by the court. The mediator and attorneys made sure that she got a liberal share of his assets, substantial alimony, and generous visitation with their children. He questioned the entire legal system. Why was she so favored in the eyes of the court? She was the one who betrayed her vows—not him. She was the one who devastated him and his children—not him. He wondered, don’t vows mean anything? Isn’t there a penalty for unfaithfulness?

He wondered, don’t vows mean anything? Isn’t there a penalty for unfaithfulness?

Fast-forward a few years.

It came to light that this father had some past financial investments that had not been disclosed during the divorce proceedings. He had worked hard to build up his private portfolio believing that the assets were exclusively his and his ex was not entitled to any of the money.

His ex-wife took him back to court, calling him a liar and a cheat, demanding her rightful share of the money. She also demanded, and got, attorney fees.

The man was devastated. He had primary care of his kids and was already paying nearly all their expenses. Even if his ex was legally entitled to the money, he reasoned, it was still terribly unjust for her to go after it.

But things only got worse. A few days after the settlement, the mom shows up at his house to pick up the kids for her regular visitation and they’re thrilled to see her. It was baffling to him. The courts had been clearly supportive of this woman and so are his kids! His ex is getting her way in everything.

To the dad, this woman does not deserve the love of her children. He believes that if they knew the truth about their mother, they would not be so welcoming of her.

Yet, Step 3, Amnesia, has some requirements for this father.

Amnesia means for this father to never again view his ex as having committed any treacheries against him.

It’s the father no longer rehearsing all the faults of his ex to himself or others.

It’s this dad putting away all his anger, hurt, and sorrow.

It’s never again forcing his children into his adult world by informing them of his private difficulties with their mother.

What was the worst thing that happened to this father because of this lawsuit? The father lost some money.

But what is the worst thing that can happen to the children if they learn about the lawsuit? Their structures could be cracked up for years to come.

The father’s loss is momentary. His children’s loss can be for a lifetime.

The father will recover from his loss. If informed, his children may never recover from theirs.

The temporary satisfaction the father might gain by telling his children the faults of their mother pale in comparison to the years of heartbreak he will have to endure as he watches his children struggle in their lives.

Amnesia demands that the father take the unjust outcome of this recent lawsuit with him to the grave.

The father’s loss is momentary. His children’s loss can be for a lifetime.

Certainly there are things parents must never forget—things that the ex may do that harm their children—so that the necessary safeguards can be put in place for the kids.

But Amnesia demands that everything else, all the past hurts and pains, must be put away and never brought up again.

But aren’t parents being untruthful to their children if they allow them to believe in the goodness of a terrible parent?

One divorced mother told me her adult daughter recently became aware of some outrageous behaviors of her father toward her mother twenty years earlier. The daughter was angry with her mother for not telling her. She felt lied to, and hotly objected that she had innocently cared for her father, not knowing the truth about him.

But the mother replied, “I saved you by not telling you. What your father did, he did mainly to me. This was my grief and mine alone to bear. Because I kept the information from you, you remained close to your father and are the woman you are today. But be careful. Now that you know some of the things he did, you are responsible to continue to care for your father as if you never knew this information. Years ago I put these difficulties away. Now, you need to put them away for yourself.”

Where is the rule that parents have to reveal every private thing between them to their kids?

Why all this ‘openness’ and ‘honesty’ about the other parent?

Aren’t children naturally reactive? Isn’t everything to them right or wrong? Don’t they naturally take sides? Yet it’s this reactive nature that structurally harms a child if directed toward a parent.

The daughter is wrong in thinking she needs to know all about her father’s faults. The mother did the right thing in remaining silent, and in doing so helped to preserve her daughter’s internal structure. What children do to a parent they do directly to themselves.

But isn’t our painful past too deep and too devastating to be forgotten? How can we ever forget what our ex has done to us and to our children?

But isn’t our painful past too deep and too devastating to be forgotten? How can we ever forget what our ex has done to us and to our children?

One separated parent sympathized with me that it must have been hard for me to dredge up all my past events and emotions for the sake of this book.

I told the parent that writing this book wasn’t difficult at all. Years ago I had put away most of the troubling emotions of my Wars with my ex because Amnesia promised that if I did, it would restore my kids.

The problem for me was, back when I began to rid myself of my terrible memories, I discovered that I actually liked them.

Recalling my ex’s failures made sense of my world.

It justified me. It told me that my ex caused my children’s difficulties—that I was right and she was wrong. Plus I got a lot of mileage out of vocalizing my sufferings to friends and family. In return I got validation, affirmation, and sympathy.

But pursuing Amnesia ended all of this.

In the beginning I found it difficult to quit making mental lists of all her failures. It was hard to stop the negative comments to my children about their mother. I had to cease issuing regular updates to my friends. It took some effort for my wife and me to replace negative things with positive things. But we began telling my kids good stories about their mom.

And it worked.

Amnesia began restoring our kids.

This is Step 3: Amnesia. Amnesia means to put away the negative emotions of the past, and to treat the other parent as if there has never been a problem between you. Amnesia is to never inform your children of the difficulties you have suffered because of their other parent.

 

STEP 4: MERCY

Early in my work, when I was still developing the Seven Steps, I was approached by a very unhappy mother, a woman in her late sixties. As she described her terrible ex to me, I remember observing the strain lines etched on her face and her deep anguish. My heart went out to her.

Yet, standing beside her was her adult daughter, showing no signs of trouble or unhappiness. She had a pleasant expression on her face and was quite composed and relaxed. I was surprised at the contrast between the mother and her daughter.

The daughter, clearly doing well in her life, told me that her father was pretty cruel to her mom during their time of separation and continues to be unkind to the mom. But the daughter sees her father regularly and they get along well.

It was something to watch the mother noticeably wince in pain as her daughter spoke well of her father. I saw her struggle under the weight of her daughter’s kind words about the dad.

It was something to watch the mother noticeably wince in pain as her daughter spoke well of her father.

It was obvious that the mother saw herself as right and the dad wrong, and that she clearly wanted her daughter to join with her against the father. Her anxiety over her daughter not taking her side against the father was physically oppressing her. The mother could not comprehend why her daughter continued to have anything to do with this terrible man.

But the daughter told me that her dad wasn’t perfect, that he definitely had his problems, but she still loved her father and she would continue to see him regularly.

I stood there amazed at what the daughter had just said.

This daughter fulfilled Step 4: Mercy, and she fulfilled it perfectly.

This woman in her mid-thirties, clearly aware of her father’s faults, clearly recognizing the horrible realities of his past, still clearly loved her father.

Wow. That’s Mercy.

Mercy is this daughter recognizing her father’s failures—and then adding a but, still, yet, or nevertheless, followed by expressions of care and love for her parent.

She said, “I know my father has his problems but I love him anyway.”

It is her giving Mercy that launched this daughter into incredible emotional health. In giving her father Mercy she gave herself Mercy. In not taking up disappointments and criticisms against him, she didn’t take up any disappointments and criticisms against herself. In caring for her father she cared for the father half of herself. This is the amazing work of Mercy in this daughter.

She said, “I know my father has his problems but I love him anyway.”

Here’s how others have expressed this same Mercy:

“Every time I’m with my dad he’s with another girlfriend. My mom hates my dad, but I love him and I still want to see him.”

“My mom has had a difficult life and is a hard person to get along with, but I care for her. Because of her constant criticisms I’m forced to limit my time with her, yet I know she likes it when I visit her.”

“My mom left my dad and is now with someone else. Everyone hates my mom and criticizes her. Nevertheless, I still care for my mother and try to see her as much as possible.”

“My father is in prison and I regularly go to see him. Since my mom and dad are now divorced, my mom won’t have anything more to do with him. Still, I care for my father and see some really good things about him.”

These words—but or still or yet or nevertheless—followed by expressions of Mercy are what will create profound change in children. Any child, young or old, can discover this transforming experience when these powerful words are inserted into the conversation.

What about difficult parents—really difficult parents, parents who are hurtful to their children?

I know lots of them.

One time I asked a father why he never contacted his son. His reply to me: “The boy has his mother.”

Another parent arranged to fly his two teenage daughters from their mother’s home to the city where he now lives to personally say goodbye, as he planned never to see them again. He told them to no longer consider him their father and to not try to contact him. When putting them back on the plane, he said to both daughters, “Have a great life.”

One woman has a mother who is very demanding, very hurtful, and deeply critical of her. Spending any time with her mother always leaves the daughter an emotional wreck.

And then there’s the father who can only see his children under supervised visitation because he has physically abused them.

How are children to show Mercy toward parents like these?

Nothing changes.

Structural injury occurs when kids carry hatred, criticism, complaint, and negative reaction toward a parent. Structural health can never come out of ongoing negative responses toward a parent, no matter how awful that parent and no matter how justified the children.

Even with kids who have the necessary boundaries and safeguards set in place, even with kids who have been physically separated—even permanently separated—for their protection, children must still be Merciful.

If children are to become emotionally transformed, they must add a but, still, yet, or nevertheless to all the failures of a parent.

Positive responses are the only way children will ever be structurally restored.

Positive responses are the only way children will ever be structurally restored.

I know one situation where a father sexually abused his daughter for years while her mother did nothing to prevent it. Twenty years later, with no contact between the woman and her parents and still deeply troubled and damaged, the woman knew that to be freed from her incredibly difficult past required her to forgive them and give up her bitter memories.

This meant that she would have to contact them. Following an exchange of cards and phone calls she and her husband went to see her parents. Even though it was a grueling experience for her, she forced herself to face her unspeakable past and gave her parents Mercy.

By adding a but, still, yet, or nevertheless followed by Acceptance and kindness to her parents, she experienced a level of internal peace and happiness that she would never have had without Mercy.

The reality is children were never designed to wage war against a parent. They’re not built to hate or malign a parent. Children are too biologically integrated with their parents. What children do to their parents, they do directly to themselves.

Children are designed to be only merciful toward both parents, to give them a break, to let things go, to forget an offense, and to be gracious. If there are any punitive measures to be given, if there are any judgments or disciplinary actions to be measured out, they must come from outsiders—anyone but the children.

The reality is children were never designed to wage war against a parent.

I was speaking about Mercy at a conference and one individual said, “That’s all we need to do—just love one another.”

But that is not what Mercy is saying.

Can children criticize irresponsible behaviors? Absolutely. Should they condemn criminal activity? Of course. Can children oppose people hurting other people? Most certainly.

But Mercy is saying children cannot carry these verdicts against their own parents.

I saw a news report about a businessman convicted of financial fraud. The video showed him standing before a judge about to be sentenced. And directly behind him were his adult children who were there in support of their father. I thought, how perfect, this is exactly what should happen. The court is giving out judgment to a guilty man, yet his children are with him. They recognize their father’s failures, yet they are standing united with him and committed to him. The kids are not approving of their father’s actions but remain approving of him.

This is Step 4: Mercy, and this is exactly what these children need to do—and exactly what every child needs to do with both parents—regardless of the parents’ behaviors.

Wouldn’t it be something to see children stand by their mom who had destroyed their family?

Or, what about children standing alongside their dad, now with his fourth live-in girlfriend, whose irresponsible behaviors have negatively affected the children’s lives?

It is these acts of Mercy toward their parents that will propel children into incredible emotional health.

So, how is a parent to respond when children see their other parent’s failures?

One mom told me that her ex is irresponsible and terrible and her children know it. She asked, “What am I to do? Lie to them and tell them everything’s okay?”

I told her that children see parent problems all the time. But it is their negative conclusions about their parent that will cause them structural damage.

The question the Principles ask is, “After your children see their other parent’s failures, and after you and your children talk, and after everything is said and done, what’s the final conclusion? Are there any expressions of care and support toward that offending parent?”

“What am I to do? Lie to them and tell them everything’s okay?”

With Principle Two alone children can significantly launch themselves into emotional health: What children do to their parents they do directly to themselves.

This is Step 4: Mercy. Mercy is recognizing a parent’s failures but adding a but, still, yet, or nevertheless, followed by expressions of care and love for that parent. Children are not designed to measure out justice or issue verdicts or penalties toward their own parents: They are only designed to give them Mercy.

 

STEP 5: NEUTRAL—DAMAGING

As the car pulled up to his mom’s house the ten-year-old reached into the backseat one last time to pet his dad’s family dog. Then, opening the car door and saying goodbye to his dad, he grabbed his backpack and hopped out.

Watching his father drive away the boy immediately became all business. Walking up the stone pathway toward his mom’s house he had some urgent work to do with only seconds to spare.

The problem was that he and his dad, stepmom, and stepsister had just returned from a terrific four-day vacation at their family cabin and they all had a great time together, making his job even more difficult than normal. Going back to his mom’s house meant that he had to forget everything that happened at his dad’s.

Going back to his mom’s house meant that he had to forget everything that happened at his dad’s.

Which meant the entire trip had to go.

The first had to be the dog! He loved that dog, a golden retriever who never left his side the entire four days. He quickly threw that down to his right. Then there were the horses, especially Daniel, his favorite horse to ride. He tossed them alongside the dog. Third were the canoes and paddle boats at the lake. They were quickly discarded and littered behind him. Next, evening times at the cabin and the outdoor barbecuing. That was so much fun. But they all had to go.

On impulse he decided not to toss aside the bee sting. Boy, did that hurt! He and his dad were out in the canoe paddling up a creek and around some big bushes when a bee flew out and stung him on the foot. It hurt sooo badly but his dad quickly put some ice from the cooler on the area and it helped a lot. The boy knew he was taking a big chance telling his mom about the bee sting—since it happened with his dad—but it was his first bee sting! It was too important—he had to tell her. But he knew to leave out the part about his dad and the ice from the cooler.

The entire four-day trip was quickly scattered at his feet, and just in time, as he was now about to open the front door.

Job done! Piled up behind him were four days of life with his dad, the dad half of himself cast aside and lying along the stone pathway up to the front door.

Stepping inside the house the boy had completely transformed himself into his other half, his mom’s half, just the way his mom liked him—well, all except for the bee sting—but that was a risk he was willing to take.

He knew the rules. He had learned years ago that the things that went on over at his dad’s stayed at his dad’s and the things that went on at his mom’s stayed at his mom’s. Back then if he said anything to either his mom or dad about the other house, it ended badly, with one parent angry, saying harsh words about the other. So he learned to keep quiet about the other side. Today, even though his parents no longer speak against each other, he still doesn’t say anything. If information about the other household does manage to get out, it’s met with dead silence. It’s clear that neither parent wants to know anything about the other parent, as there is no response, no questions, and no interest expressed.

And once again it proved true regarding the bee sting.

When the boy entered the house he was warmly greeted by his mom. She asked him how he was and he said he was fine. But with measured enthusiasm he told her a bee stung him on the foot while he was canoeing up a river. True to form his mom asked him if he was all right and he said he was and then she asked him to put all his dirty clothes in the laundry room and come into the kitchen to get something to eat. So that was it. Feeling disappointed—but as expected—an abrupt end to a cool bee-sting story.

In the mom’s mind she’s a great mom.

Upon learning about Principle One and Principle Two, the mom believes she is following the rules perfectly. Haven’t she and her ex ceased all negative responses toward each other? Isn’t she supportive of her son seeing his dad? And, isn’t she building up the mom side and isn’t the dad building up the dad side of their son? So she takes great satisfaction in believing her son is fine.

But her son is not fine.

She takes great satisfaction in believing her son is fine. But her son is not fine.

The mom thinks that being Neutral toward the father—meaning there are zero positive and zero negative responses—has no effect on her son.

But it’s her Neutral responses toward her son’s father that are damaging her son. Because nothing positive is going on between the mom half and the dad half within the boy, he is left with this huge internal void.

This mom cannot bypass Principle One and get away with it: What the mom does to the father she does directly into the heart of her son.

Structural health will take place in the boy when his mom responds positively to the father half of her son.

How healthy it would be if his mom welcomed every aspect of her son’s life.

She could be excited to hear about her son paddling with his dad up the river and him swimming around the island. She could wince with him at the bee sting and hear all about the ice and how it made it feel okay. And she could savor with him the nightly barbecuing which he loved so much.

Plus, there is another way this mother is putting her son in deep peril.

She has ceased managing how her son responds toward his father.

She has left the decision to him. If her son chooses to be positive or negative toward his father, it’s his choice. If he decides to be Neutral toward him, that’s okay with the mom, too.

By her Neutral responses the mom has placed the future emotional health of her child squarely into his hands, the hands of a ten-year-old.

By her Neutral responses the mom has placed the future emotional health of her child squarely into his hands, the hands of a ten-year-old.

Fortunately for the boy, things are going okay. He has a great relationship with his father. But this will likely change. Disagreements with his father and stepmother will arise. The dad siding with the stepmother in opposition to the son is bound to happen. And, the likelihood of the son retaliating by poor behavior and emotional withdrawal is also a common possibility. Principle Two says, What a child does toward a parent directly impacts the child.

If this boy is left to himself to determine his own level of response toward his father, the potential is very high that he will cause himself some emotional damage.

What this mother must do now is take back control of her son’s responses, seeing to it that he always responds well toward his father.

The boy’s internal structural health is too important, too valuable, and too critical to be left in the hands of a child.

The boy’s internal structural health is too important, too valuable, and too critical to be left in the hands of a child.

But this is exactly what I did with my son.

When my son came to live with me, he had little to do with his mom. And I gave him my full support.

Fortunately for us, the mother went quiet, too. We rarely heard from her—maybe a couple of times a year.

What a gift it was for all of us to basically forget about her.

And things were going along great for my son at our home. He had a great relationship with his siblings and especially with my wife, his stepmother, whom he cared for deeply. School was going well and he excelled in sports.

To me, my son now had everything he needed to mature into a wonderful, stable adult. And, equally important, his mother and I were no longer at war.

So everything should have been fine, right?

But everything wasn’t fine.

The mother half of my son was slowly becoming more and more internally damaged and I didn’t know it—nobody knew it.

It turns out that I was the one who was emotionally damaging my son. Silently and steadily I was contributing to the breakdown of his internal structure.

I didn’t even know it was possible for my son to become emotionally damaged at our home. He was thriving and doing so well. But by my lack of positive responses toward his mother, I lacked positive responses toward half my son. And, with my son neutral toward his mother he was also neglecting half himself.

Did I ever try to see that my son responded positively toward his mother? Did I ever encourage my son to call his mother or encourage him to go down and spend time with her? Did I ever remind him to acknowledge his mother’s birthday or urge him to visit her on holidays? Not in the slightest.

Even though my son managed to see his mother a couple of times a year, it wasn’t because of me.

How was it possible for my son to have an intact internal structure with half of it ignored?

But weren’t his mother and I finally at peace? Wasn’t zero contact with each other a good thing? I thought our Neutral responses were the best for everyone.

My poor son!

If I had understood the Two Principles and the importance of my behavior and his behavior toward his mother, I could have taken aggressive action toward making peace with her. I could have talked favorably about his mother to him. I could have arranged for him and his mother to get together. I could have taken the initiative to make sure that she felt welcomed in my home, welcomed to sit with me during our son’s sports games, and welcomed to attend his school functions with me. And I could have seen to it that my son also responded favorably toward his mother.

These positive actions would have been difficult for me, but I could have gotten through the tough parts. I could have paid the price for my son’s future. His mother and I could have made peace.

But weren’t his mother and I finally at peace? Wasn’t zero contact with each other a good thing?

The problem is many separated parents have trouble imagining anything positive about their exes.

“Positive responses would simply encourage my children’s father to continue to be irresponsible and self-centered.”

“It’s better to leave things as they are now with no mention of the other parent.”

“Approval of the mother would encourage my children to act like her and that would be wrong.”

“I have nothing positive to say about my ex.”

But Neutral—Damaging is not about partially rebuilding damaged kids. It’s about full and complete restoration. Neutral responses between parents tear down internal structures in kids.

Positive responses are the only thing that will rebuild their internal framework.

This is Step 5: Neutral—Damaging. Neutral—Damaging recognizes that only positive responses between parents, and positive responses between children and parents, build stable internal structures in children. Any other kind of response—Neutral or negative—will continue to damage kids.

 

STEP 6: BENEFITING

What would you do?

You’re a single mom and your teenage daughter and younger son live primarily with you. You were treacherously abandoned by your now ex-husband and have grieved over his early remarriage to a woman he had been seeing while still married to you. What makes matters worse is the woman your ex has married is financially quite secure, so they live together in a beautiful home with a nice swimming pool and drive nice cars.

Along with your own personal trauma, your children are also shocked and deeply distressed at what their father did and to this point both have sided with you against him.

Recently your two children were invited by their father and his new wife to spend a summer week at her lakeside vacation home and go wake-boarding behind her ski boat. This is during your time with your children and you can easily say no. The kids are hesitant to show their excitement about the vacation. In fact, in support of you, your fourteen-year-old daughter has decided to stay home, but your son wants to go. The children don’t know what to do or how to act and are looking to you for answers. What are you going to say to them and what are you going to do?

The children don’t know what to do or how to act and are looking to you for answers.

Step 6: Benefiting has some things to say.

You will tell your children to go with their father and his wife on vacation and enjoy themselves. In fact, you are going to insist that the children care for their father and stepmother, listen to them, be courteous to them, and accept the stepmom into their lives.

Furthermore, not only are you going to require your children to have a great time but you’re also going to take them shopping to purchase some snacks and sports drinks for everyone to enjoy while driving up to the lake. And, when the children return from their vacation, you will take the time to listen to all their stories, enjoy all the photos, and be interested in all the activities that took place.

Principle One: What you do to the other parent you do to your kids.

In fact, you are going to insist that the children care for their father and stepmother…

This is Step 6, Benefiting.

Benefiting means complimenting the ex and the ex’s partner.

It’s saying thank-you.

It’s inviting your ex to join you at your son’s football games.

It’s saying to a neglectful parent, “I’m glad you’re here,” even if the parent hasn’t seen the children in months.

It’s being generous with visitation schedules. It’s allowing your children to travel freely between households.

It’s going with your children to pick out birthday and holiday cards and gifts for their other parent and partner.

It’s creating a welcoming environment for your ex and companion when they come to pick up the kids.

It’s doing good things for the other parent in front of your kids.

It’s working toward peace even if the other parent won’t—even if the other parent is unworthy, arrogant, resistant, or inflexible.

It’s accepting the negative actions of the ex without a negative response back from you.

It’s working toward peace even if the other parent won’t—even if the other parent is unworthy, arrogant, resistant, or inflexible.

Benefiting is also not shying away from attending various functions just because the other parent may show up.

I know how sitting with an ex feels. It’s uncomfortable and weird and I’ve felt it a thousand times. Walking toward the sports field and seeing the ex sitting in the bleachers causes us to react. Don’t we all find great relief when we know the other parent won’t be there? We feel like we’ve been handed a summer vacation.

But what gives us relief is hard on our kids. Some discomfort for us today will pay great dividends for our children tomorrow.

Don’t we all find great relief when we know the other parent won’t be there? We feel like we’ve been handed a summer vacation.

Benefiting is not making a big show of your positive attitudes.

One fellow enthusiastically told me how he and his wife ‘benefit’ his wife’s ex by their happy and positive approach toward the other parent. During her son’s baseball games they would greet the ex-husband and his wife with big smiles and loud voices and waving their hands. Laughing, this man told me the father barely waves back and that his new wife just glares at them.

But they weren’t Benefiting the ex at all.

Actually, what they were doing was quite negative, creating tension and discomfort. They weren’t serving the ex—they were serving themselves and using their ‘positive behaviors’ as a way to harass them.

Benefiting means to discover what’s best for the ex, what makes the other parent and partner feel comfortable, and what pleases them. For this husband and wife it means that they should quit smiling and making all their noises and gestures. It means, instead, to do something as simple as giving a quick look, a quick smile, and sitting nearby.

They weren’t serving the ex—they were serving themselves and using their ‘positive behaviors’ as a way to harass them.

Benefiting is getting through all the legal stuff as quickly as possible.

One woman with primary custody of her children wanted her ex to live close by so he could see their children more. But the ex couldn’t afford the housing. So the woman and her second husband agreed to release the ex from several hundred dollars a month in child support if he would agree to live near them. Today the kids’ dad is living in the same school district as the children and seeing them regularly. Imagine how well these children are doing!

This is true child support.

Answering her door, the single mom was handed a beautiful bouquet of flowers by a delivery florist. It was a gift for the mom’s birthday.

Opening the card to see who they were from, her emotions suddenly ran cold. She couldn’t believe her eyes. The flowers were a gift from her ex-husband, the man who had torn out her heart, the one who had betrayed their vows with all his girlfriends. And now he sends her flowers? After cutting her emotionally in half he’s now saying, “Let’s be friends”? What an insult. Did he actually believe sending flowers would make everything okay?

After cutting her emotionally in half he’s now saying, “Let’s be friends”?

To this mom the only thing the flowers accomplished was to pour more salt on her wounds. Instead of something beautiful to grace her home the flowers were a reminder of her past terrible sufferings. Barely able to touch them she carried the bundle of flowers outside and threw them in the trash.

Here’s the problem. The mom has just entered very dangerous territory.

I have met this woman. I am convinced that in time she will let go of her awful past and relinquish her hurt. In time she and her ex will have a decent working relationship. In time she will recover.

But she’s out of time with her kids!

What this mom is doing is what separated parents commonly do—take whatever time they need to get their lives back together. But when they finally do, their kids are a mess. The parents are fine. They have moved on. But their children are left broken, defeated, isolated, emotionally stuck back in those painful years, struggling with difficult behaviors, immature, and incapable of handling the responsibilities that come with age.

This mom’s children should not have to wait for their mother to process through her separation. They need her to respond positively to their father and they need her to do it now.

Upon discovering who sent the flowers, the mom should have told her children that the flowers were a gift from their father for the mother’s birthday, telling them how nice it was for their father to have sent them.

In honoring the father’s gift she would have honored and supported the internal framework of her children: What she does to the father she does directly to the structure of her kids.

Would this be hard for the mom?

Absolutely. But the mom must be committed to the task. It’s Benefiting her ex today that will build structural health in her kids.

One parent declared that Step 6: Benefiting doesn’t apply in her case.

After she and her ex split up he moved out of the country, planning never to return. With her ex completely out of the way, the mom believes she has no reason to ever speak about this man again.

Plus, the mom feels it’s best for her and her daughter to move on and to quit living in the past.

With her ex completely out of the way, the mom believes she has no reason to ever speak about this man again.

But the Principles are adamant.

No matter what, this daughter will continue to be half her father—meaning that he remains key to her structural stability and needs to be respected as a critical part of her life.

Yes, the mother and daughter can get on with their lives.

Yes, they can move forward—which likely includes a new partner for the mom and, in the future, great relationships for the daughter.

Yet, moving forward doesn’t mean ignoring or getting rid of the father. In fact, just the opposite. It’s the mother giving her daughter a good image of her father that will settle the young girl and give her the internal framework to have a full life.

Benefiting for this mom means telling her daughter good stories about her father.

It’s providing her daughter with some sort of a positive rationale of why her father left so she can continue to think well of him.

This is Step 6: Benefiting. Benefiting means to do good to the ex and the ex’s new family, now! It’s setting the example for your children. It’s behaving as if you are healed from your difficult past with your ex.

 

STEP 7: THE COST OF DOING BUSINESS

The problem is, while we are trying to fulfill the Two Principles and the Steps and trying to respond positively to our exes, our exes are probably not trying to do the same back to us.

Has this happened to you?

You speak well of the other parent but your ex continues to slander you.

You greet your ex at your son’s birthday party but your ex won’t give you the time of day.

You stand near your ex at one of your children’s soccer games and your ex makes some critical comments about your new dating partner.

You have to cancel one of your kid’s orthodontia appointments and, as a courtesy, you call your ex but all you get is anger and criticism.

You have been flexible changing weekends with your ex, but when you need your ex to make a change, the ex refuses.

You get the idea. You’re changing your responses for the better, but your ex has no interest in changing theirs toward you. In fact, your ex continues to be rude and offensive and has no intention of making peace.

You speak well of the other parent but your ex continues to slander you.

One couple complained that the wife’s ex is always late to pick up his son. He is not just late but chronically late, sometimes hours late. The dad’s irresponsible behavior is embittering them against him causing them to complain about the dad to this boy.

They are stuck with an ex who is inconsiderate and obnoxious, willfully trying to cause them all the trouble he can, and they are at a loss as to what to do.

This couple is experiencing what we call ‘The Cost of Doing Business.’ Since the father won’t change his behavior, The Cost of Doing Business for this couple means that they will have to change theirs. Adapting to the ex will be the price they will have to pay to bring peace into this very aggravating situation.

It is upon this couple to modify their schedules and adjust their expectations so that when the ex does show up late, nobody cares. The couple must neutralize the impact of the father’s chronic behavior and arrange things so that the father being late is no longer an issue.

Having adapted to the father and having minimized the impact of his obstinate behavior, they will be able to better preserve the emotional health of the son. What is not acceptable is for this couple to continue the way things are now, to continue to complain, get angry, and rehash all the faults of the other parent.

What is not acceptable is for this couple to continue the way things are now, to continue to complain, get angry, and rehash all the faults of the other parent.

If they don’t adapt to the father but continue to criticize him, they will jeopardize the emotional health of the boy.

I know the couple, and unfortunately they’re not even trying to adjust to the father. They continue to carry animosity toward him and to deeply criticize him to his son.

“Look how self-centered and inconsiderate he is,” they would say. “What a failure. He can’t even manage his own life.”

“Why should we have to change? He’s the one who’s irresponsible. He’s the one creating all the problems. Why should we have to adapt to him?”

“Why should we have to change?
He’s the one who’s irresponsible.
He’s the one creating all the problems.
Why should we have to adapt to him?”

To hear the couple’s story, to hear about all their misery and all the hardships they’ve had to endure because of this self-centered father—Oh my gosh, aren’t they so right. How perfect they are. How responsible and timely they are. They’re not late nor have they ever been late.

But look how damaging they are to this son!

The boy doesn’t have a chance.

The problem is these ‘excellent’ parents have all the right answers. Isn’t what they are saying true? Isn’t being chronically late wrong? And if the boy tries to stand up and defend his father, isn’t he defending irresponsible behavior? Look at what will happen to the boy. Upon him will descend all this ‘righteous’ disapproval. In defending his father, he is then emotionally destroyed by his mother and stepfather. It’s a battle the boy will never win.

How right this ‘good’ couple is. But how destructive they are.

How right this ‘good’ couple is. But how destructive they are.

What a surprise it would be for these parents to learn that it is they, and not the dad, who have become agents of injury to the boy. In speaking against the dad this couple is speaking directly against the son. What they do to the dad they do directly to the structure of the twelve-year-old.

And look at the results. Years later the boy is a mess.

We’ve seen these same types of conflicts take place a hundred times—an ex obstinate over money, discipline, driving, clothes, what their kids eat, even how they comb their kid’s hair with the ‘good’ parent refusing to adapt.

One pre-school daughter came running up to her mom after a weekend with her father, all excited about her new outfit and her new hair style and makeup. To the sheer delight of this young girl, her father’s girlfriend had spent the afternoon giving her a complete makeover.

The mother stood there in shock. The clothes were indecent, her hair style inappropriate. She was aghast at the makeup—for a four year old?—and horrified that this other woman had even touched her daughter. The mother already highly objected to her ex and girlfriend’s over-emphasis on clothes and appearance but to influence her daughter in this same way was something this mom could not bear.

Furious with her ex, she told him in no unmistakable terms that her daughter was never to wear those kinds of clothes again and that she, the mother alone, would determine her daughter’s hairstyle and any future makeup.

Things only went downhill from there.

Hearing from the dad about the mom’s objections, the girlfriend became incensed. She knew the objections were a direct attack against her. If anyone else dressed up her daughter, the mother wouldn’t have minded one bit. But she knew the mother’s hostility was leveled directly against her as the ‘evil’ live-in girlfriend.

So, two weekends later, having done the child’s laundry prior to returning the little girl to her mom’s, the girlfriend inserted into the stack of clean clothes some sensual women’s underwear.

The mom went ballistic. The girlfriend, of course, was mystified as to how they got there. The mother knew exactly what this woman had done. When her ex arrived the next week to pick up his daughter, the mom threw the underwear in his face, screaming at him that he and his girlfriend were worthless and immoral human beings. She told her ex he could forget about seeing his daughter this weekend and that if he didn’t like it he could just take her to court—then slammed the door in his face. The mom determined that no matter what it took, her daughter would never see this girlfriend again, even if it meant preventing her daughter from seeing her father. Standing in the entry way of her home the mother wept bitterly, overwhelmed with unhappiness and heartache, and so did her young daughter, terribly confused and distraught over her mother’s deep distress.

…the mom threw the underwear in his face, screaming at him that he and his girlfriend were worthless and immoral human beings.

But The Cost of Doing Business has some things to say to this mother.

This incident has gone completely out of control. You need an entirely new way to deal with your ex and his girlfriend.

So what if your ex’s dating partner wants to play house by dressing up your daughter, doing her make-up, and styling her hair?

How about enjoying the attention and fun your daughter was having?

Couldn’t you have said something nice to the dad like, “Well, it looks like you guys have been busy over the weekend.” Then, without making a fuss or saying anything negative, couldn’t you have changed your daughter’s clothes, washed out her hair, and removed her makeup during her bath—and be done with it?

But now everything has escalated. It has gone from objecting to the girlfriend dressing up your daughter, to anger against the father, to retaliation by the girlfriend, to threats of the child never seeing the girlfriend again, to separating the daughter from her father.

What is structural health in your daughter worth? What parents do to each other they do directly to their kids.

What is structural health in your daughter worth?

But we cannot leave this discussion without asking the question: What is The Cost of Doing Business with us?

Are we forcing our exes to adapt to our difficult behaviors?

Are we late? Are we argumentative? Are we disrespectful? Are we unkind or rude? Have we slandered our ex’s new family? Do we become angry on the phone? Do we carry grudges? Do we refuse to swap weekends? Are we disagreeable about letting our kids be with their other parent?

One woman’s ex was having huge conflicts with her over the way she disciplined their children. She strongly believed in spanking her kids, but her ex opposed any type of physical punishment. In fact, he told the mother that if she ever spanked their children again, he would call Child Protective Services and take them away from her.

But because her children lived primarily with her, the mother believed that she alone had the right to determine how they were to be raised. The mother resented her ex’s opposition, claiming that he was intruding into her personal life. And she was not going to be bullied by him. In her eyes she was the good parent and her ex, the bad parent. He was the one who was being controlling and manipulative and overstepping his boundaries.

But the problem is not with the ex but with this mom.

Come on. The dad’s demands are not unreasonable. There are a number of excellent ways to discipline children without spanking them.

It was this mom standing her ground and demanding her way that prevented peace between her and her ex. She was requiring her ex to adapt to her. She was forcing her ex to pay The Cost of Doing Business with her.

The Parent Wars that are sure to escalate over this dispute will likely prove extremely damaging to the children.

I know exactly what I’m talking about.

I was purposely a terrible ex-spouse. My ex-wife had caused me so much suffering it was a relief to get some payback. But it never occurred to me that my behavior fell directly on my kids.

For two decades I refused any input from my ex. I cut off all discussion with her. To me, my ex was completely incapable of any rational thought or any responsible action. I strongly believed she had lost all rights to parenting and should be the one to pay a heavy emotional price for separating from me.

So, when the opportunity arose, I purposely did things just to spite her. If she needed something from me, I refused. If she needed a favor, I was too busy. If I was the cause of her losing time at work, I was pleased. If I was the reason behind heated arguments between her and her husband, I felt a sense of accomplishment. If I negatively impacted her schedule, caused her to miss appointments, or forced her to pay extra money, I didn’t mind one bit. She would throw a fit of anger and I would think, “Hey. Life’s tough. Deal with it. I hope you’re miserable.”

But for the structural stability of my children, I should have been the one to adapt, to be agreeable, and to change. Instead of being a bad ex, I needed to have become a good ex.

She would throw a fit of anger and I would think, “Hey. Life’s tough. Deal with it. I hope you’re miserable.”

“But why is it always on me to have to make the changes,” complained one parent, “Why do I have to be the one to always roll over and let my ex walk all over me?”

Another parent also complained, “I’m sick of being the one who has to give in to my ex. Why does he get to win?”

But the Principles ask us to forget about who gets their way.

When we do something peaceful and accepting towards our exes, that kindness will penetrate directly into our children’s souls. Our actions of Acceptance and Mercy and Benefit will add a level of stability and maturity to our children that will amaze us.

Our actions alone can remarkably alter our children.

Another parent also complained, “I’m sick of being the one who has to give in to my ex. Why does he get to win?”

But what are we to do when the demands made by our exes are unreasonable?

During the years my ex had primary custody of our children she demanded that I do all the driving between our homes, one hour each way, all the pickups and drop-offs. She said if I wanted the kids, I could come and get them. To me she was being completely unreasonable. Yet, I gave in to her demands and did all the driving.

Another time she demanded an increase in child support but I resisted and successfully defended myself in court.

In one instance I gave in to her demands; in another I didn’t give in at all. So the result is I don’t think there is any one hard or fast rule as to when to oppose an ex or when to give in (except when providing safeguards for the kids).

Building peace in our children means for us, as much as possible, to quit our opposition, to quit standing our ground, to quit drawing lines in the sand, and to quit resisting the other parent.

And forget about things like equity and fairness between separated parents. They don’t exist among separated parents anyway. Quit trying to make them exist.

Structural health in kids is only found among parents who adapt the most, endure the most, accept the most, and forget the most.

I know scores of parents who pay the extra money, buy the extra clothes, drive the extra miles, do all the pickup and dropping off, attend all the school functions, buy the extra sports equipment, oversee all the homework, and take time off from work for the kids without the other parent so much as lifting a finger to help.

These are the true heroes among separated parents. These are the true builders of structural health and maturity in their children.

This is Step 7: The Cost of Doing Business. The Cost of Doing Business is adapting to the difficult behaviors of the other parent and enduring hardship. It also means making peace for the sake of the stability of your kids.