The incredible restoration of my daughter to making good decisions, to healthy behaviors, and to emotional stability
My poor daughter.
The time was just after Parent War 4 when I as yet knew nothing about the Two Principles or Seven Steps. I had lost in court because my thirteen-year-old daughter remained silent before a court counselor. The end result of that court battle was the hollowing out of our precious daughter as, over the next few years, she became completely incorrigible and defiant.
During these years my daughter and I barely saw each other. Yet, I knew I needed to do something. I was losing her.
And then a radical idea came to me.
Maybe I should stop opposing her mom. Maybe I should try extending an olive branch, and try to make peace with her mother for the sake of our daughter.
So far, resisting my ex and constantly criticizing her hadn’t worked. It didn’t take much to see that our Parent Wars had torn our daughter apart and had caused her great emotional difficulties.
The question was, how to begin?
Taking the first step would require me to call her mom and then meet with her.
Ugh. Not an easy task. The few conversations we’d had over the last years were filled with animosity. But my desperate concern about my daughter forced me to make the call.
After answering the phone and hearing my voice the mom went dead quiet. I told her I was concerned about our daughter and asked if we could meet together.
Her responses to me consisted of nothing more than one-word sentences. Yet she surprised me by agreeing to a meeting. I asked if a certain day and time were good and she gave a one-word affirmative.
So that was it—a few sentences from me and a couple of words from her and I was now going to actually have a meeting with the individual whom I still despised after all these years.
…I was now going to actually have a meeting with the individual whom I still despised after all these years.
After opening her front door my daughter’s mom didn’t say a word. She just turned around, walked into her living room, and sat on a couch on the far side of the room. I walked in, closed the door, and sat as far from her as possible.
In my mind I didn’t think I had ever seen anyone so filled with hatred. She just sat there, her face as cold as steel. Her eyes pierced through me. She sat stiff as a board on the edge of the couch, her neck and every back muscle rigid.
She sat stiff as a board on the edge of the couch, her neck and every back muscle rigid.
I knew my daughter was there and I saw her in the hallway. It was clear that she was upset about my being over at her mom’s house and wanted nothing to do with me or her mom in the same room.
But I called out to her and asked her to come and sit with us. I told her what I had to say was for both her and her mom.
Mad that she had been seen and madder yet that she had to join us, with a huge show of displeasure—tossing her head, rolling her eyes—she plopped down on a separate couch, swung her legs over the side, and turned her back to me.
But I wanted my fifteen-year-old to see what was about to take place. Since she was five years old she had not seen or heard me speak kindly to her mother. This was sure to be a dramatic new experience for her and me—for all of us—so I wanted it to count.
The atmosphere in the room felt thick with animosity. I couldn’t imagine hatred overtaking my ex as much as it seemed to that evening. She just sat there glaring at me, not saying a word. My daughter, defiant, sat with her back to me.
The feelings were mutual. I didn’t want to be there either.
But I had to begin.
I had to begin the long work of getting over our past and letting issues go and doing what I could to bring health back into my daughter.
I was waging a different kind of war now, a war against hatred and the internal destruction of my daughter.
I was waging a different kind of war now, a war against hatred and the internal destruction of my daughter. The weapons of my warfare this time were different from those I had used before. And, it was I who fired the first shot.
I apologized.
I said to my ex that it must have been awful going through so much hardship with our daughter. I acknowledged that it must have been difficult for her to have faced a rebellious daughter completely on her own, without any help from me. I apologized for not supporting her.
I told her I was finished being at war with her and that I was going to give her my full support. I said I was sorry that I had opposed her all these years and that from this time forward things were going to be different. I asked her to tell me how I could help her and said that I was willing to do whatever she asked.
As my ex listened to my apology, she didn’t blink an eye. For most of our meeting, which didn’t last long, she never moved a muscle. She sat ramrod straight in her chair with her face frozen, in what I can only describe as pure disgust.
That evening I behaved as if I knew all about the Two Principles and Steps, but I honestly didn’t know a thing about them. Yet, I seriously determined right then and there that I would never speak against my children’s mother again—nor would I criticize her to my kids or to anyone else.
I have to say that I was so busy concentrating on my own behavior and busy figuring out what I was going to say that I don’t remember her response, if she ever said anything. Nor do I remember my daughter saying anything either.
I don’t think we talked about anything else because our meeting was so short. And I don’t recall how the meeting ended, although I do remember thinking that my ex’s neck muscles seemed to have relaxed a little—but I could be wrong.
My daughter didn’t know it, her mother didn’t know it—heck, I didn’t even know it—but the powerful initial stages of restoration and healing for my daughter had begun.
My daughter didn’t know it, her mother didn’t know it—heck, I didn’t even know it—but the powerful initial stages of restoration and healing for my daughter had begun.
It is interesting to reflect back and note the irony of the situation, that healing had begun in a most unlikely venue—of all places, at the mom’s home in an atmosphere that was to me filled with aggression and hatred.
All the time I was there everything seemed completely surreal. My own feelings were rebelling against me, my own mind opposed me, and everything inside me was telling me I was doing the wrong thing. Wasn’t I the innocent person here? I was convinced our marriage failed because of her. I believed our children were messed up because of her. And here I was apologizing to her? My mind and my emotions objected to everything that was happening.
…healing had begun in a most unlikely venue—of all places, at the mom’s home in an atmosphere that was to me filled with aggression and hatred.
But I was becoming more and more convinced that working with my kids’ mother was the only solution to our daughter’s instability. I had a sense I was on the right track and going in the right direction. I was determined to try peace, even going so far as to oppose my own feelings of right and wrong by humbling myself and apologizing to their mother.
So, with my daughter present, I gave her mother my full support—something I couldn’t have imagined myself ever doing. This wasn’t about the mom at all but had everything to do with the emotional health of my daughter. It was on behalf of my children that I determined to treat their mother with her rightful status of parent.
Sad to say, any peace that might have begun with that meeting didn’t last.
Whatever working relationship I gained by meeting with my ex was immediately lost.
Restoration for my daughter that night was cut short by the next two Parent Wars: War 5, initiated by my daughter, and War 6, initiated by my son. Once these Wars began, everything went downhill. Forget about trying to work with that woman. I reverted back to hating her and having as little to do with her as possible.
Our continuing Parent Wars only made my daughter worse.
After Parent War 5 ended, and after living with me for only a couple months, my daughter ran away to live with a girlfriend and her family. Now sixteen years of age and fully self-emancipated, she and I again had very little contact.
Yet, I was desperately concerned for my very, very lost daughter. I knew that it was up to me to rebuild the relationship.
Yet, I was desperately concerned for my very, very lost daughter.
So I called her up and invited her out to dinner.
She wasn’t anxious to meet with me and probably would have turned me down, but I quickly let her know that I wasn’t interested in trying to correct her or try to improve her in the slightest. I told her I just wanted to be with her. I said she could talk to me about anything she wanted or say anything she wanted and I promised not to criticize her. So, under those conditions, she reluctantly agreed to see me. Heck, in her mind at least she’d get a free meal.
And the dinner went well. We had a good time and I kept up my part of the bargain. Yet, I hardly recognized her. Just seeing her broke my heart. She was someone I didn’t even know. What my daughter looked like and how she talked shocked me, but I worked hard to cover up any disapproval. What else could I do? If I had reacted negatively, I’d have lost all contact with her. If I was to ever see her again, I needed to accept her as she was.
What my daughter looked like and how she talked shocked me…
So I made things between us as enjoyable as possible and hoped some good would come of it.
At the time I didn’t realize how important it was for us to meet. Nor did I have a clue as to the healing that had begun deep within my troubled sixteen-year-old.
What happened next surprised me. She agreed to have dinner with me again.
And the next time we met, she agreed again. And again. What began with one dinner turned out to be nine months of dinners. Every Wednesday night my daughter and I ate together, and the value of our being together was priceless for both of us.
I would pick her up at the same time every Wednesday evening and take her to the same restaurant where we sat as much as possible in the same booth with the same server.
I was desperate to insert some consistency into my daughter’s life. Everything else about her was in constant upheaval and change. So each week I tried to provide her with two hours of tradition and stability that she could absolutely count on.
I was thankful for every minute we had together and I made the most of our time, filling my daughter with positive response.
And I enjoyed being with her. But even better, she began to enjoy being with me. What I didn’t know was that in learning to care for me, she was beginning to care for herself. In starting to respect me she was beginning to respect herself. In liking me, she began to like something deep inside herself. Little did I know that this time of positive response between us was what my daughter needed to begin to rebuild from the terrible devastation in her life.
In starting to respect me she was beginning to respect herself. In liking me, she began to like something deep inside herself.
And I never corrected her.
The entire time we were together I listened to her and loved her. We talked about everything, even her mother! During these conversations I made it a point to speak well of her mom. In fact, it was the first time she ever heard good stories about her mother.
But none of this would have worked if I had not forced myself to forget our awful past. I made myself act as if nothing had ever happened between us.
I had to absolutely put out of my mind my daughter’s objectionable behaviors during the years she lived at her mother’s house and the couple of months at my home. I pushed away any memories of that awful lawsuit during Parent War 4 when she refused to speak with the mediator, causing me to lose my case and most of my custody. And, I had to put out of my mind how she rejected me and my home after Parent War 5, choosing instead to live with an out-of-control girlfriend.
Look at the turn of events.
Here I was meeting my daughter, hoping to be of some help to her, and here I was the one who was radically changing.
Here I was meeting my daughter, hoping to be of some help to her, and here I was the one who was radically changing.
Actually, we were both changing. For the first time since her mother’s and my divorce I was on the right track with my daughter. I didn’t know it at the time but I was altering her very soul.
And, my daughter was beginning to trust me.
Yes, I was building up the father side of my daughter by meeting with her regularly. And yes, I was doing some minor rebuilding of my daughter’s mother side through telling her good stories about her mom.
But I was still a long way from full restoration of my daughter.
So again I decided to try to build some sort of peace with my ex.
Coming up was our son’s high school graduation. I found the courage to actually invite his mom to his graduation ceremony—and she accepted my invitation.
This was really something. All during the time my son attended high school I’d had very little contact with his mother and here I was inviting her to his graduation—and she came.
…I’d had very little contact with his mother and here I was inviting her to his graduation—and she came.
Normally at past school functions I would sit on one side of the room with my ex on the other, and we would have separate celebrations following the event. This time, however, things were different. We actually sat near each other—and then she came to my home after the ceremony.
I couldn’t believe it. My ex was actually attending a dinner celebration for our son in my home. Even though she and I hardly spoke to each other—still, this was remarkable.
And again, a few years later at my son’s college graduation, everyone in our family gathered together at a large restaurant. My ex arrived with her family and I arrived with mine. Although there was little interaction between us throughout the evening, I thought that just being in the same room with my ex for three hours was very positive for my kids.
Only now can I look back and see that I fell seriously short of what was required of me to restore my children. Here I was congratulating myself on my ‘positive’ responses toward my ex, only to learn later that I had not even been close to effecting any real change in my son or daughter.
Here I was congratulating myself on my ‘positive’ responses toward my ex, only to learn later that I had not even been close to effecting any real change in my son or daughter.
I thought just stopping what caused emotional damage was what my daughter needed to return to emotional health. But stopping damage is one thing. Rebuilding is another.
I was learning that my daughter and son needed me to do more, a lot more.
Meeting with my children’s mother in a room and ignoring her for two hours wasn’t going to cut it.
What parents do to each other, they do directly to their kids.
What took place next surprised everyone.
My young son from my second marriage and my ex’s son from her second marriage, both about the same age, met each other and became best friends. Realizing at a young age that they shared the same older brother and sister, they immediately declared themselves brothers. This close relationship continues to this day, with my son’s ‘brother’ later becoming best man at my son’s wedding!
Because of this friendship, contact with my ex took on a whole new turn. At this time both our daughter and son were living on their own so I had no reason to see my ex again. But soon my ex and I were driving half way between our homes to drop off or pick up my youngest son or hers.
Even my ex’s husband shared in the driving! And my young son and this man got along great.
Can it get any weirder than this? I was seeing my ex and her husband regularly.
Can it get any weirder than this?
One summer my wife and I took the two boys on a rafting trip through Yosemite National Park. We had so much fun as we spent the entire day swimming and exploring every foot of the river.
When we returned my ex’s son to his home a couple of days later, he was filled with endless stories of our trip to Yosemite.
And our efforts were reciprocated. When my son stayed at my ex’s house, he also had a great time.
How strange—here I was actually doing things for my ex’s son and grateful for her being kind to my son. This seriously affected me. I actually appreciated my ex.
After years of my working with separated parents the Principles and Steps finally became clear, giving me a distinct path toward restoring my children, especially my deeply troubled daughter.
Forget how my daughter dressed. Forget her heavy makeup. Forget her lifestyle. Forget her incoherent friends. Forget her failure in school. Forget that she was completely consumed with her own self-interest. No threats or appeals or any amount of discipline or coaxing from her mother or me could have caused my daughter to want to change her life.
My daughter needed her internal structure rebuilt. She needed internal restoration. She needed the wars raging within her to cease. She needed her parents to behave like parents, to treat each other with respect, and to bring her into maturity as parents should.
She needed her parents to behave like parents, to treat each other with respect, and to bring her into maturity as parents should.
Now with the Two Principles and Seven Steps I knew what to do. Finally, after nearly two decades, I began behaving as I should have behaved following my separation so many years earlier. I couldn’t change my daughter, I couldn’t change my ex, but I could change me.
I couldn’t change my daughter, I couldn’t change my ex, but I could change me.
When I first began speaking well of my children’s mother to my daughter and son, the effects were amazing. Each of them wore huge grins on their faces.
I told them how their mother was an excellent piano player, how she loved nature, was very brave with animals, very gifted in decorating, and on and on. I told them funny stories, respectful stories, stories of their mother’s accomplishments and successes.
Both kids really liked the stories and would ask a lot of questions. I was surprised by the intensity of their happiness.
It even got to the point where I refused to criticize my children’s mother even when she had obviously failed in some way. I wouldn’t do it. And I wouldn’t allow my children to criticize her either.
I’d tell them to quit making their mother’s problems a big deal. I’d tell them their mother had gone through some tough experiences and that it was in times like these she needed their love and support more than ever. I would say that their mother was part of them, and for this reason they had to hold her in the highest respect. Their job was to love their mother.
What a complete change in direction for me. Here I was, discounting all her difficulties and taking a stand on her behalf.
How simple the method—how profound the results.
Finally I was heading in the right direction toward restoring the structural health my kids so desperately needed.
How simple the method—how profound the results.
Things were also changing for my ex.
I learned later that the good stories I was telling my kids about their mother were getting back to her. My kids were repeating everything I told them. As the stories held the mother in the most positive light, I guess she was learning that I was no longer an enemy.
What took place next surprised us all.
My daughter, now in her early twenties, rushed up to me one day, overjoyed. “Dad! Dad! The most incredible thing just happened. You’re not going to believe this.”
She told me she was sitting in a chair in her mother’s bedroom just making idle talk with her mom when out of the blue her mother said something complimentary about me. Her mother told a story that held me in a good light. My daughter just sat there stunned, frozen in her chair, not moving a muscle, in total disbelief at what she was hearing.
For the first time in my daughter’s conscious memory her mother said something kind about me.
For the first time in my daughter’s conscious memory her mother said something kind about me.
Spellbound, my daughter just sat there not saying a word, showing no positive reaction for fear that any affirmation on her part might turn the conversation back to something negative about me. So she forced herself to act as if everything was normal, as if complimenting her dad was something her mother did all the time.
But internally my daughter was so taken aback, so overcome with emotion, that she could hardly contain herself. She told me later that it was one of the most thrilling moments of her life.
Her mother’s positive comment about me was nothing short of miraculous and my daughter knew it. Something was changing within her mother. And, my daughter felt something changing inside herself as well.
Something was changing within her mother. And, my daughter felt something changing inside herself as well.
It was from that time forward that my daughter’s mother ceased all negative words against me.
My daughter asked me, “Dad, do you remember all the times I’ve asked you why you and mom divorced?”
I thought to myself, do I remember? I’ll never forget. Even though I had ceased speaking against my children’s mother years earlier, that didn’t stop my daughter from asking why we divorced. Every so often, up would come the question and I’d put her off by telling her that the reasons were just between her mother and me. Still, she kept trying to dig information out of me, and still, I’d give her the same answer.
So I said, “Yes, I remember.”
“Well,” my daughter said, “I don’t need to ask you that question any longer.” Then in almost hushed tones she added, “I know the answer. I understand my mom and I love my mom. She’s still my mom and I still love her.”
So that was it. Her question about why we divorced had somehow been answered and she never asked me that question again. Nor did I ask my daughter what she knew about why we divorced. Whatever it was, it satisfied her curiosity.
My daughter didn’t know it at the time, but in her reply to me about her mother she had just hit the ignition switch and launched herself into incredible emotional health and stability.
She had just fulfilled Step 4: Mercy, and she fulfilled it perfectly.
…she had just hit the ignition switch and launched herself into incredible emotional health and stability.
Clearly knowing her mother’s faults, clearly remembering the horrible difficulties of her past, my daughter chose to love her mother anyway.
In giving Mercy to her mom my daughter gave herself Mercy.
In ceasing her wars against her mother, she ceased all wars against herself.
Gone from inside my daughter was the dominance of her mother’s criticisms and her mother’s failures. Gone was the dominance of the pain in her past. Replaced within my daughter was this amazing Mercy.
The health that began to pour into my daughter was startling.
In ceasing her wars against her mother, she ceased all wars against herself.
Once she began responding well toward her mother and me, nobody—not me, not my daughter, not anyone—could have predicted the changes that began to take place in her life.
The restoration of my daughter’s internal structure accomplished more than anything we could have ever imagined.
My daughter found that she was released inside to step away from her difficult past.
The restoration of my daughter’s internal structure accomplished more than anything we could have ever imagined.
She began to think about consequences of her actions. She stopped wearing certain clothes, makeup, jewelry, piercings, and styles of hair. She stopped associating with certain people. She began making plans and setting goals. She began working regular hours and becoming a reliable and responsible employee. She spoke of starting college, owning a car, supporting herself, saving money, and being more careful with relationships.
The Principles and Steps were working.
It only took me twenty years.
I had learned enough about the Two Principles and the Seven Steps to finally do what was formerly impossible for me to do.
My youngest son from my second marriage had joined the U.S. Marine Corps following high school and was about to graduate from basic training. We invited my ex and her youngest son—my son’s best friend—to the USMC graduation and they came!
Leading up to the graduation I was wondering how it would go—being with my ex for two days.
I had anticipated some difficulties and prepared myself, but was surprised to find that things went great.
Instead of sitting apart from them, my wife and I spent our time with my ex and her son. I found in myself the ability to finally Accept my ex as a welcomed family member and for two days all of us were together during the graduation events and the final ceremony.
But, it was my ex who was the true hero. It was she who made the long, thirteen-hour drive, paying her own way, to see my son graduate. She was the one who was willing to be completely immersed in my family. And, because she cared for my son, my ex wore a T-Shirt which said, ‘Marine Corps Mom.’
What a breakthrough for us. As far as I was concerned, our terrible past was put away. I was no longer under its dominating control. That day at my son’s graduation I began a new life. From that time forward, seeing her and being with her became increasingly easy.
And, because she cared for my son, my ex wore a T-Shirt which said, ‘Marine Corps Mom.’
Six months after my son graduated from boot camp, my ex’s son also joined the Marines and graduated from the same Marine Corps boot camp. We were invited to join her family for his ceremonies. This time I was the one to make the long drive, take the time off work, pay my own expenses, and immerse myself in her family. I looked forward to the experience. My wife and I had a great time with my ex and her husband, honoring their son.
Before the afternoon graduation we were all gathered together with several thousand other parents and Marines at the large outdoor food court with multiple places to purchase food and to shop. We found a large table where we could all sit, followed by lively discussions about what to buy and what to eat. As plans progressed various people would leave to purchase food or wander through the many shops. I was becoming conscious of the fact that my ex and I just might be left alone at the table. And it happened. The last few individuals left leaving us sitting there across from each other.
I was surprised to find that I didn’t mind at all.
It was weird but I felt okay and I found myself with the ability to talk normally and happily with her. Because of my understanding of the Two Principles and the Seven Steps, I knew exactly what I needed to do and why I needed to do it. And it made things go very well for us sitting alone together that sunny afternoon.
The Principles were now able to work without restraint—one hundred percent positively—in our children’s lives.
How strange our journey has been following our separation: twenty years of deep hatred for each other, our terrible criticisms, our bitter wars, the endless battles over the hearts and minds of our children, and the many years of cold silence. And now, here we are talking peacefully as if the years of conflicts and wars had never happened.
What a day! The benefits to our daughter and son that beautiful day in San Diego were life-changing.
The Principles were now able to work without restraint—one hundred percent positively—in our children’s lives.
At seventeen years of age my daughter met and married a young man who, like her, had problems. Together they had two children but their internal difficulties could not sustain a relationship, much less a marriage, and they divorced.
My daughter seized upon what we knew about the Principles and Steps, applying them to her own children and to her ex, preventing her children from experiencing the same Parent Wars that had so damaged her. What could have become a very toxic divorce that spelled disaster to her two kids became instead a peaceful separation. My daughter accepted her ex as critically important to her children’s stability and maturity and saw to it that they remained very close to their father.
But what was also exciting to see was my daughter’s own personal advancement into maturity.
As she responded well toward her mother and me, she found within herself the ability to become a more reliable and ambitious individual.
What could have become a very toxic divorce that spelled disaster to her two kids became instead a peaceful separation.
She took a minimum-wage job at a national company, working part-time on the graveyard shift serving customers at the counter. This was her first job after she began to repair internally.
That was over twelve years ago. Today my daughter is this company’s executive hiring manager for all of Southern California. She is responsible and hard-working and interacts easily among her friends and peers. She was recently flown to Dallas, Texas, by her company to attend a reception in her honor as one of two individuals selected among tens of thousands of employees to receive the Most Valuable Employee of the Year award. No one in her company has the slightest clue about her incredibly difficult past. Nor, do I imagine, would they ever believe that their executive employee was once completely incorrigible, self-emancipated at sixteen, and had spent time in a locked-down facility for troubled teens.
Today my daughter is in a wonderful second marriage and is living a life beyond her dreams. Her future plans are to attend law school in order to pursue her life ambition to become a family court judge.
Because of the Two Principles and Seven Steps the turnaround of my daughter has proven to be nothing short of miraculous.
My son too saw his own turnaround. Today he is married with a terrific family, is successful in his career, and is living life quite free from the twenty years of his parents at war.
The transformation I sought for my children I found for myself.
I found a profound internal contentment that I never imagined existed. Peace with my ex and the incredible restoration of my children have given me relief beyond words.
But please don’t misunderstand.
I don’t want to give the impression that positive responses toward my ex are now simple and easy.
On the surface things may look good, yet deep within me I still have some unsettled heaviness that seems to linger like an old addiction.
But this has not prevented me from following the Two Principles and the Seven Steps.
It’s just that in the future I would like to follow the rules without the accompanying internal resistance, unknown to anyone but me.
I don’t know if that will ever happen.
Nevertheless, I will continue to press forward for the sake of my kids.
One summer weekend I took my son and some of his friends on a weekend road trip. Arriving home late Sunday afternoon I was very surprised to find my wife and my ex walking out our front door, with my ex holding a suitcase in her hand. My wife told me that my ex was just leaving.
My ex had spent the weekend in our home.
It turned out that she wanted to see our daughter who lived near us, but since there wasn’t room for her to stay at our daughter’s house, my wife had invited my ex to stay at our home.
I was surprised, to say the least. But I was also pleased to see my wife and my ex getting along so well together.
The best news, though, was my daughter so thoroughly benefiting from the care shown between her mother and stepmother.
Who would have ever thought that my ex would stay the weekend at my home?
It was early in December when I learned from my daughter that her mother was going to be by herself during the upcoming Christmas holiday as she and her husband were going through a separation.
My daughter and her family were joining us for Christmas dinner so I told her that her mother was also welcome to join us. In fact, my wife and I insisted that she come.
She accepted our invitation!
My ex would stay overnight at our daughter’s house and come with my daughter and her family to our home on Christmas day.
As our Christmas dinners always included a lot of people, it would have been easy for me to bury myself in dinner preparations and conversation with other guests and have little to do with my ex. And nobody would have given it a thought if I arranged seating at the table so that we sat far apart. But this time I saw to it that she sat next to my wife and me at the head of the table.
There I was at Christmas dinner sitting for two hours next to my ex. I couldn’t help but think about how this time of peace would penetrate deep into the internal framework of my children. Imagine the good it did for my daughter to see both her parents sitting together and enjoying each other’s company.
And our older son, who is also in the Marine Corps and at the time was deployed overseas, certainly heard about our time together. How ironic. While at home in the United States, a country at peace, my son’s entire life had been immersed with warring parents and internal conflicts. Now, in a foreign country filled with war, both structural halves within him were at peace.
A year later we invited my ex to the wedding of my youngest daughter (with my second wife) and were pleased that she came.
As I went around introducing my ex to my friends, no one could believe we got along so well. “This is your ex-wife?” they would ask—as if to say, “Aren’t you supposed to hate each other?” Some of my friends had exes themselves and marveled at how we treated each other. They all told me I was so ‘lucky.’
“This is your ex-wife?” they would ask—as if to say, “Aren’t you supposed to hate each other?”
I learned that evening that my ex was to fly to Spain the next morning and had planned on our daughter taking her to the airport. But since our daughter had some babysitting issues, I volunteered to drive.
Because of the late evening and the very early flight, my wife and I ended up with only two hours of sleep before driving five hours to get my ex to the airport and then return home.
Some people hearing this story have told me that I have taken Principle One a bit too far.
But I disagree.
I have well over twenty years of Parent Wars to make up to my kids.
I have well over twenty years of Parent Wars to make up to my kids.
People don’t know the depth of brokenness my kids suffered.
Nor do they understand that there is a dangerous natural tendency to fall back into old habits of blame and criticism—that I must continue practicing the Principles and Steps for the health of my children.
Driving my ex to the airport was an excellent opportunity to infuse Mercy and Benefit directly into the hearts of my now adult kids.
Knowing that every time I do something good for their mother it goes directly into strengthening my children’s internal structures gives me incredible motivation. I must continue to move forward for their sakes.
I can’t ever stop. I owe them so much.
So what are my plans now?
I think after writing this my wife and I will drive over to the town where my ex lives. There happen to be some nice restaurants there and I think we will invite my ex out to dinner. And we will invite her boyfriend along, too.
And we’ll all enjoy ourselves.
And then I’ll tell my kids.