Portia checked herself in the mirror one last time. The forest green dress she decided on had three-quarter length sleeves and went all the way to her knees with a gold zipper that ran the length of her back from the neckline to the hem. It would have almost been church appropriate except that it fit like a glove - nice and snug.
Maybe too snug.
She could stand to lose a pound or two. Couldn’t she?
No. Stop it.
She pushed the thought out of her head and turned away from the mirror before it could wreak havoc. She looked great. She was a perfectly healthy size. Before her thoughts could get anymore warped, she walked out of the bathroom towards the top of the stairs where her purse and shoes were already laid out. She leaned against the wall to put on her shoes. Her fingers brushed against a post-it note, which subsequently floated to the ground. Portia stooped to pick it up even as her eyes scrolled over the handwritten lines.
This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord.”
With one shoe on and one off, she sat on the top step and reread the text from Jeremiah 17:5 again. She almost had it memorized having seen it every morning since she placed it there the Sunday prior. With the nature of her life, she usually found that trying to read chapters a day did nothing for her. But picking one Bible text per week and letting it ruminate in her mind was effective.
Cursed is the one who trusts in man...
Well, that wasn’t a hard one. She had never been one to depend on others. Her therapist thought that was part of her whole problem. But if you left things to people, they sometimes didn’t get done properly. Who wanted to chance that?
...who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
Hadn’t that been the picture of her life when Anorexia first got a hold of her? Trying by her own strength to make herself into the image she had in her head. But she never seemed to get there, was never quite good enough. And she’d carried around that feeling of unworthiness like a painful injury that refused to heal.
But today was different. Today, she knew her worth. She was a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a business woman that people depended on. They needed her, and that made her life worthwhile.
The doorbell rang. She smiled knowing there was a gorgeous man on the other side waiting for her. She slipped on her other shoe, grabbed the matching purse and headed down the stairs.
Unexpectedly, butterflies filled her stomach as she reached for the doorknob. Why was she nervous? It wasn’t as if she and Khai hadn’t gone out before. Even outside of that, they often shared banter at events involving Solid where they had to be together. Tonight should be no big deal.
She opened the door and found Khai waiting on the other side, dressed in a dark suit and gray tie. She felt her breath lodge in her throat.
Okay, so maybe it was going to be a big deal.
She had never seen him in a suit, or with his hair slicked back like that. He was gorgeous. And she was in so much trouble.
He whistled. “Wow. I knew you could work a dress but...” he shook his head. “You look amazing.”
Portia let herself soak in the compliment. She appreciated the look in Khai’s eyes as he looked her over. She smiled and stepped out into the cool evening, running her hands over his silk tie. “You clean up pretty well yourself.”
He smelled amazing. As always. She was going to have to watch herself tonight. She closed the front door then allowed him to lead her down the steps to the Infiniti Essence waiting at the curb.
“Another rental?” Portia asked.
He smiled as he reached for the door. “It takes me a while to commit to a car.”
Portia smirked. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
She took a step towards the open door. Before she could get any further, Khai stopped her with an arm around her waist. She lost her breath once more as the space between them went from feet to inches.
“What are you doing?” Her voice squeaked.
Khai smiled. His green eyes were a swirling mist daring her to come in. “Well, just in case the rest of this night doesn’t go well, I’d like to get dessert out of the way first.”
She met his gaze without moving. “Betting against yourself, Khai?”
Her heart pounded fiercely as he moved in closer, his eyes centering on her mouth. “Just being realistic about my odds.”
She didn’t try to stop him when his lips descended on hers, brushing across them lightly before adding pressure. He teased them open, teasing her heart into a tizzy. Is this how white boys kissed? Or was this particular white boy just a natural expert at what he was doing? She didn’t know, and her brain was too busy shorting out for her to think about it. It was making her do things that Portia usually wouldn’t, like scrape her fingers over the dusting of a beard on his jaw line and tuck herself into his arms.
All of her senses were suddenly awake, alive to every sensation. The heat of his body surrounded her. The minty coolness of his breath. The tiny growl in the back of his throat when she finally kissed him back. She felt everything all at once and the combination was delicious. He was delicious. For a moment, Portia forgot that she was supposed to be making this hard for him.
He pulled back breathless, his eyes simmering coals under hooded lids. “You know, we don’t actually have to go out for dinner.”
She ran a thumb over his lips. She wiped away traces of her lipstick, giving herself time to catch her own breath. “You’re taking me out to dinner, Khai. A good dinner. I deserve a do-over.”
He nodded as his eyes watched her sink into the front seat. “Yes, ma’am.”
***
“Full disclosure? I totally took you here in an attempt to impress you.”
Portia sighed. “Full disclosure? I am totally impressed.”
She tucked her hand into the crook of his arm as he led her up the steps. From the corner of her eye, she could see him looking at her again. The same way he had after she let him kiss her, and again in the car on the ride over when she let him put his hand on hers as it rested on the armrest between them. She wanted to laugh out loud because she knew exactly what he was thinking. Who was this woman and what had she done with Portia?
The Portia he knew always made him keep his distance. But the Portia tonight was different. The Portia tonight just wanted to enjoy the company of a handsome man who was attracted to her. Two years had passed since a man had really kissed her. One kiss from Khai had dispelled all the notions in her head that she hadn’t missed it. She was going to be careful. Extra careful. But she was going to enjoy herself, because knowing Khai, he would mess it up and then she would have to make good on her promise to him, which meant it might be a long time before she had a night like this again.
Besides, it wasn’t every night you got to go to the opening of Pour Deux. Based solely on a philanthropic concept, a protégé of Chef Gordon Ramsey had opened this eclectic, upscale restaurant.
“How did you even get tickets to this thing?” Portia asked as he led her through the open doors behind a swarm of other well-dressed guests. “I heard it was completely sold out. Oh my goodness! Is that Chef Ramsey, himself?”
Khai chuckled. “Probably. But I wouldn’t stare if I were you. You know how brutal he can be.”
“I was so impressed when I heard about this place,” Portia said leaning close to his ear. “The idea of five star chefs preparing meals for the homeless is brilliant. Good food should be available to everyone, not just those who can afford to drop a hundred dollars per plate.”
“I am more impressed with the part where they get those who can afford it to pay for it. At least now when I see the exorbitant price I know I am really feeding two people instead of just one.”
Khai handed over their tickets to a hostess.
“Please, wait just a moment. Your waiter will be with you shortly to guide you to your table.”
Portia looked over at Khai and raised an eyebrow. “Our own waiter? Fancy, fancy.”
Khai cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah, did I happen to mention that this is a dark event?”
Portia frowned. “You cannot mean what I think you mean?”
He gave a little nod as he grinned. When the waiter appeared in night vision goggles, Portia knew her fears had been accurate. She grabbed his arm.
“Khai, no!”
He tucked his hand over hers. “Come on. It will be fun. Not your typical first date. But we are way past first date levels, don’t you think?”
She glared at him.
He held up his hands. “Okay, okay. We can leave and find a boring little restaurant. I mean, if you’re scared I wouldn’t—”
“I’m not scared.”
He raised an eyebrow at her.
“Who said I was scared?” she squeaked.
He dropped his eyes to her hand. She was gripping his arm so tight, her knuckles were white. She let go and sucked in a deep breath. “I’m not scared. I would...uh...I would love to do this.”
The side of his mouth quirked up. “You sure?”
She nodded, unsure if she had any more words left. But she did take Khai’s arm again as they headed into a dark lit lounge area.
“Oh, this is not so bad,” Portia mused as their waiter led them over to the bar.
“This is just the introduction,” Khai whispered. They sat with several other guests at the bar, sipping drink samples while they waited for the rest of their party. Portia smiled and nodded at a group of two women and a man who would also be sitting at their table. Apparently eating with strangers was part of the dine in the dark experience. As they waited for instructions, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. In the dark? Unable to see anything, not knowing what she was eating? Who did this? This was crazy. But it was also a little exciting. She had never been on a date like this before. She glanced over at Khai who had struck up a conversation with the man next to him. She smiled. He definitely got points for creativity.
“Good evening and welcome to Dark Night at the Pour Deux. I will be your server this evening. My name is Blake. If you need anything just call my name. I will be there right away to assist you.”
Portia listened as Blake went on to explain the procedure. They would choose their course from a very vague dining menu before entering the darkened dining room. All electronics, purses and valuables were to be left in the lockers provided and guests were encouraged to use the facilities before they entered the dining room. By the time they were led into the pitch black eating area, Portia was less apprehensive and more curious.
Portia leaned over to whisper in Khai’s ear. “Don’t think I haven’t figured out your plan, mister.”
He chuckled. “Oh? What’s that?”
“You just want me holding on to you all night because I can’t see anything.”
“Mama didn’t raise no fool.” he joked. “But I thought this might be fun for you, guessing what you’re eating. I know you love to cook, but let’s see how sharp those taste buds really are.”
Moments later, they were sitting in complete darkness. Portia thought her eyes would adjust and she’d be able to see something in the dining room, but there was nothing. She was completely short one sense.
“Khai?”
“I’m here,” a familiar voice answered from her right.
She reached over and felt around. Her hand touched something firm. She felt around some more, the something shifted.
“Uh...wrong direction, PJ. Not unless you want to start an entirely different dark room experience.”
She gasped and snatched her hand away, even as she heard the person to her right chuckle. For a moment, she was glad the room was dark so no one could see the blazing fire in her cheeks. Before she could apologize, she felt hands lifting hers and then she was touching cutlery. Her cutlery.
“Bon appetite!”
And with that, the adventure began. What started out as quiet comments turned into loud chatter pretty quickly. Portia laughed out loud as people made guesses about what they were eating.
“I just ate something meaty. I think this is beef.”
“No way,” the voice of the other male at their table. “I think it’s lamb.”
“What do you say, PJ?” Khai asked.
“I say chicken.”
There was a chorus of disagreement, which made Portia giggle. There was something about being in the dark that made people seem to lose their inhibitions. Or maybe it was the need to remind everyone else that they were still there. Whatever it was, it provided for an entertaining dining experience.
She didn’t try to touch Khai again until they were led safely back into the lounge area. She kept her eyes on the ground as the waiter advised, allowing herself to readjust to the light. Khai’s hand slipped around her wrist.
“You okay?”
She nodded, closing her eyes a moment. “Mhmm, except I feel like a vampire coming into the light.”
“A very cute vampire, I might add.”
She laughed.
“Okay, ready to see what your dish was?”
They all groaned at the reveal. All except Portia.
“Chicken in a beef gravy.”
“So your girlfriend’s a chef, right?” their other male dinner guest nodded to Portia.
Khai grinned. “Nope. But she knows her food.”
Portia waved goodbye to the others as Khai led her over to a small table in the lounge where they ordered dessert.
“This was great, Khai,” her eyes twinkled at him over the piece of caramel cheesecake on her fork. “Tonight was a big deal for me. Years ago, something like this would have thrown me into a panic.”
He nicked a piece off her dessert. “Because of your eating disorder?”
She nodded.
Khai’s eyes warmed as he looked her. “Was it a struggle for you?”
Portia bit her bottom lip. “I was in a treatment center for four months. It was like prison. I hated it. I had absolutely no control over my life. People told me when to go to sleep and when to get up. When to eat and what to eat. When I could exercise and when I couldn’t. Plus, I was constantly under surveillance. It was terrible.”
“Sounds that way,” Khai said thoughtfully. “I bet you’re glad to be past it. How long have you been recovered?”
Portia drew in a breath. This wasn’t really first date conversation, but then this also wasn’t a typical first date. He already knew more about her than most people in her life did. If she told him the rest, if she shared the truth about her diagnosis, would it change the way he looked at her?
“Full disclosure?” She turned the fork in her fingers without meeting his gaze. “I am not sure that I am fully recovered.”
His eyebrows shot up to his hairline.
She answered his unasked question. “Most days, I’m okay. But I still have the thoughts, you know? I still look in the mirror sometimes and think that I’m not thin enough. I still wonder if people are watching me when I eat. And every now and then I still look at a meal and feel my throat close up in panic. It’s a daily fight.”
“Wow.” His voice was soft. “I didn’t know that.”
She nodded. “There are days when I feel perfectly fine. When it’s like I never had this issue at all. But other days, it can feel like I am right back at the beginning fighting myself.”
Khai nodded. “Have you told anyone?”
“My therapist knows. Milo is also aware, but no one else.” She shrugged. “I don’t want people panicking. As it is, if I don’t clean my plate, my mom and Derek start looking at me funny. Sometimes I think if they knew what I was thinking, they would be on top of me 24/7. And that by itself would create more stress which would lead to more of the thoughts.”
She sighed. “I just wish they knew how much I regretted that time in my life. How much I hated being locked up in that hospital like that. I know I needed it at the time, but I would do anything to make sure I didn’t end up back there.”
Khai nodded. “I know what you mean.”
Portia folded her arms. “Do you now, Mr. LA to New York and back again? I doubt it.”
“Then you would be wrong.”
The look in his eyes made the smirk slide off her face.
“Since you’ve been so honest with me, I can’t be any less with you.” He rolled his napkin between his fingers and looked down at the table briefly.
When he gazed at her again, the seriousness in his eyes made Portia shiver.
“Full disclosure? I know exactly what it feels like to be held against your will because I have been. I was in prison back in California. For over three years.”