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Six hours later, when I walk up the stairs to Maude Hunter’s Pub, I know it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am on time, and I am mostly put together. After bolting from Simon, I hastily completed a New Client Orientation with a man who was widowed two years ago, had a mini meltdown while I consumed a lifetime supply of chocolate, and cried an ocean’s worth of tears, then I picked up Jake before trying to work some makeup magic and at least try to look like I am put together enough to meet with my friends.
We have been friends since university, and they have all gathered to celebrate my birthday—Kelsey and Marisol coming all the way from Vancouver—and I am not going to be the one to ruin the celebration. A girl only turns forty-five once, right?
I am a little nervous about what I am going to find inside. Charlotte has been texting me basically nonstop since I admitted to confessing the entire Greg debacle to a complete stranger. And not just a complete stranger, but a ridiculously gorgeous one. Who knows what she has told the group already? I can usually trust her to keep my secrets, but this is an extreme situation.
Charlotte did point out that at least I hadn't done it to the actual client. It didn’t make me feel any better than it did when Simon told me the same thing. I made a fool out of myself, and there is no getting around that. At least I won’t ever have to see him again. Unless he is desperate to find love and is just crazy enough to sign on with Love Notes.
Not that a man like that would be single. And even if he was, he would be a distinguished bachelor, unlike me—a used-up spinster.
My phone buzzes with another text. I ignore it. It is probably Charlotte. I haven’t answered any of her texts, and she is probably getting frantic with worry, especially seeing as I am cutting the time really close.
I prefer to be early, but it took me a long time to get ready. It wasn’t exactly easy covering the red-eyed, puffy-cheeked damage from my meltdown. Plus, I am still processing the fact that not only did my life fall apart today, but I also blabbed all about it to a hot stranger. It all still feels a little raw.
I shake my head and pick up my pace on the stairs. I just need to get through the rest of my forty-fifth birthday, then I can fall apart for real.
“There she is!” Charlotte says.
As I reach the top of the stairs, I am greeted by a table full of my dearest friends, and I can’t help but let a smile spread across my face. The entire group is here—except Kelsey and Jenna, but I am sure they are on their way—and it is perfect.
The six of us—Charlotte, Kelsey, Marisol, Fae, Jenna, and me—met at university. We ended up on one of those dreadful group projects together. And even though I didn't finish my degree, because I dropped out to marry my first husband and have his babies, we have stayed close.
These women are the kind you want at your back during any crisis.
Immediately, they surround me in a group hug that I didn’t know was exactly what I needed.
“Hey, am I too late to join in?” Kelsey asks, appearing at the top of the stairs and flinging her arms around me.
She is slightly out of breath, like she has been running. Kelsey is a bit of a free-spirit, and time moves differently in her world. It isn’t at all unusual for her to be behind schedule, which normally irritates me to no end, but for some reason, tonight, I don’t care.
“You're right on time, girl.” I smile broadly and open my arms to her. This group is about togetherness with zero judgment.
Not literal togetherness, of course. Marisol and Kelsey live in Vancouver. Jenna is married. And Fae’s fashion design company, Lunar Bliss, keeps her pretty busy. Other than Charlotte, I don’t see them very often. But they are always there when I need them.
Like today. I need them today.
Everyone settles around the table, and a server takes our drink orders. I order a Winter Sea Breeze. I didn’t get to finish mine earlier, and the first taste left me wanting more.
“Oh, I'll take one of those too,” Kelsey says with a little more enthusiasm than is quite natural.
I narrow my eyes at her. Kelsey takes Christmas to a new level, but this still feels off, like she is hiding something. Her smile seems genuine, so maybe I am just reading into it, looking for external drama to take the focus off mine.
My chest constricts, as my attempt to suppress my heartache brings it bubbling to the surface. Jake is going to Mexico instead of spending Christmas with me. And yes, he spends every other year with his father, but this is different somehow. Something about this makes me feel like they are all a big happy family—Greg, Julia, and Jake, plus Greg’s kids, Leah and Brandon—and I am on the outside, looking in.
I take a sip of my drink, glancing quickly at Charlotte to see if she noticed anything. I know she is anxious to talk to me about the Greg situation but lamenting over my crap love life and newly shattered heart is not how I want to spend the little time I have with these ladies tonight.
“What has everyone got planned for Christmas?” Kelsey asks with a big grin.
A collective groan rumbles around the table. Kelsey really is the only Christmassy one in the bunch. And she really can get out of control. If I didn’t have kids, I am not sure I would even put up a tree. Christmas is about family for me.
“Let's just focus on what we're here for,” Marisol says, inclining her head towards me. “Ruby is the first of us to hit forty-five, and we need to celebrate this right.”
“Yeah. Right. Sure,” Kelsey says, the corners of her mouth stiffening.
“You okay?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at her again. I have been raising kids long enough to be an expert at noticing when someone is pretending, and I might have missed the signs during my initial assessment, but I am definitely picking up a vibe now.
Kelsey’s smile gets bigger for a brief second, then it fades. “Sorry,” she says. “It's nothing that a drink won’t fix. And I don't want to wreck your birthday.”
“Hey. It’s my forty-fifth birthday. Nothing is going to make that okay. And that's not how this works anyway.” I wave my finger at her, admonishingly. “Spill.”
I can feel Charlotte’s eyes on me, and I know I am deflecting the attention to Kelsey. If I am not careful, as much as I can usually count on Charlotte to keep my secrets, she might just out me this time.
“C'mon Kelsey, this is the time to do it,” I say in the encouraging tone that I have perfected with my kids. It makes them spill their guts every time.
Kelsey sighs, her shoulders slumping. “Can’t I wait for my cocktail?”
I raise my eyebrows at her and tip my head. I can spot a stall tactic.
“I ran into Nolan on the ferry.” Kelsey purses her lips, like she has more to say but is trying to stop herself.
“Nolan?” Fae looks around the table with questioning eyes? “Am I supposed to know who Nolan is?”
“Don’t look at me.” Marisol shrugs. “I can’t keep up with Kelsey’s men.”
“Nolan, Emily’s ex,” Kelsey says, shooting Marisol a dirty look.
“Do you mean that super hot guy your sister dated in college?” Marisol asks.
“Yeah.” Kelsey is smiling, but it looks a little forced.
“Oh, he was dreamy,” Fae says, fluttering her eyelashes dramatically.
Kelsey is trying to look all innocent, but I am not falling for it. I would bet one of my kids that something happened on that ferry. “Nolan is what has got you all worked up?” I raise my eyebrows at her, tipping my chin to give her my best tell-me-the-truth mom stare.
“Apparently, I’ve been riding the ferry all wrong,” Marisol says.
“Okay,” Kelsey relents. “It wasn’t Nolan. Turns out that Drew thinks I'm too flaky to date. He dumped me over text just because I didn’t make a ferry reservation and had to leave my car at the terminal. It was a small mistake. And it worked out. Not everyone is as responsible as Ruby.”
She glances at me, her cheeks blushing pink. I snap my eyes down at the table. Tears prick the back of my eyes. The little bit of control I managed to gather before coming out tonight is rapidly slipping.
“Don't be a bitch, Kelsey,” Marisol admonishes.
“Sorry, I didn't mean that.” Kelsey's eyes flick to mine, then down at her water glass. She stares hard at it, like she is trying to will it to change into the drink she ordered.
I know exactly how she feels. I need mine right now too, before I lose it all over again. “It's all good,” I say, even though it isn't. I am dead tired of everyone thinking that I have it all together. Just because I have a schedule, and I am organized, doesn’t mean that I am anal retentive and lack spontaneity. It just makes life easier. Or at least it does when you have five kids.
Except now I only have three kids, because I am not Leah and Brandon’s stepmom anymore. And I never will be again.
I grit my teeth against the anger erupting inside me. I don't need to be here, pretending I am okay. This is my stupid forty-fifth birthday, and these are my friends. I can do whatever I want. “I think I’m going to go.”
Every eye at the table locks onto me, making me want to shrivel up and shrink under the table. I just want to go home, crawl into bed, pull the sheets over my head, and not come out again until both Christmas and Greg’s ridiculous wedding are over.
“Hey. No. Stay.” Kelsey scrunches her face. “I’m a jerk. I didn’t mean anything.”
“Ruby,” Charlotte says cautiously, like she is approaching a skittish horse. “Just let it out.”
“I can't,” I groan. “I’m such a cliché. Divorced, middle-aged with the kids and the body to prove it, and more cats than one sane person should have. Exactly everything we didn’t want to be.”
The server arrives with our drinks just in time to save me from the tears starting to trickle out. I grab a hold of mine and take a giant swallow, ignoring the vodka and grapefruit burning my throat. I am ready for it this time, and I chug the entire thing down before slamming the glass down firmly on the table.
“I’ll have another,” I tell the server. She watches me with round eyes, probably seeing nothing more than a pathetic middle-aged woman, and is assessing whether she should cut me off now before I embarrass everyone.
“I'm not sure that's a good idea,” Jenna says.
My head swivels of its own accord. I don't mean to glare at Jenna. She is our studious one. She is an analytical chemist, and all the time she spent in science labs possibly stunted her social growth. It is probably why she doesn’t recognize that my next drink is the only thing keeping me from having a nuclear reactor level meltdown.
I turn back to the server, suddenly registering that she has the same slender curves and thick hair as Julia, like the universe sent her here to mock me.
“Why are women the only ones who end up like this?” I gesture up and down with my hands, indicating my middle-aged body. “Seriously, would it be too much to ask that I could just wear one pair of pants that doesn’t give me a muffin top? It’s no wonder we become invisible to men when we hit forty. Nothing fits. And we're competing with all these sex goddesses.” I flail my hand in the server's direction. “It’s impossible.”
My friends stare at me, and the server takes a tentative step backwards. I know I need to stop. I have been out of control for this entire day. But things I have pushed down and buried for years and years are rumbling to the surface, and I am not sure that I am strong enough to stop them.
I don't know that I want to.
“Please bring me another one of these,” I say curtly, holding up my glass.
The server scampers away. I feel a twinge of guilt. She is just a woman trying to earn some money to get on with her life, and she doesn't need people like me being bitchy.
I glance around the table with a reassuring smile. “I know. I know. Don’t worry. I’ll give her a good tip.”
“I think maybe after this we should go out to the club,” Kelsey says. “We could all stand to blow off a little steam.”
Before she is done speaking, I am already shaking my head. There is no way that I am taking this tired, out of shape body out to a nightclub.
“Nope. Not happening. I’ve already confessed my entire pathetic relationship drama to a complete and utter stranger right here in this very restaurant. I don't need to have my self-esteem chipped away any further today.” They are all staring at me again. I can feel it, but I can’t meet their eyes. “And I don’t have anything to wear,” I add pathetically.
Again, a collective groan sweeps around the table. They know what I am talking about. Once we get to a certain age, there aren’t any stores that cater to us anymore. All the styles are either aimed at my daughters or my mother. Even Fae’s fashion line, Lunar Bliss, is aimed at a much younger crowd.
“Who cares what they think?” Marisol says. “We don't have to be defined by what society says about us. If we decide that we’re already out to pasture, then we're just as bad as they are.”
Marisol is the go-getter among us. She is basically married to her career. She does have an on-again-off-again relationship with her boyfriend, Zeke, which is currently on as far as I know, but most other men find her intimidating.
“I care.” I grab my empty glass and try to suck the last few drags out of the bottom. It is desperate to try and get the last bit of alcohol in the melting ice, but I am hanging on by a thread, and who knows how long it will be until the server gets back with my second. She might never return to our table, and I couldn’t blame her.
“I care that Greg thinks that I'm too old, and now my Christmas is ruined. He is taking Jake with him on his stupid honeymoon.” I wasn’t going to say anything. But it all comes spilling out of me. Every single embarrassing detail of today. All out there for everyone to hear.
Seriously? Who takes their kids on their honeymoon?
I can’t look at them. I grab hold of my drink, but it’s empty. When I am brave enough to look up, I find five sets of eyes staring at me. But there is no judgment. All I see is compassion. It almost brings me to tears.
“Whoa, back up,” Marisol says. “Greg is getting married? You’ve got to fill us in on all the details.”
“You want details?” My voice has a hysterical edge to it, but when Marisol nods, I launch into the whole ridiculous story. I give them all the details from Mia Grady to the part where Greg is stealing Jake for the holidays.
“You're spending Christmas alone?” Kelsey asks.
“No.” I close my eyes to gather myself, feeling like the drama queen Greg accused me of being. “Lillian and Abigail will be there. But it's not the same. They’re adults. They don't believe in any of the magic. Without Jake, it's just going to be...” I pause to gather my breath. It is coming too fast again, and I would rather not hyperventilate in the middle of this pub.
What I was going to say was that it will be like the Christmases before Greg. It will be like Greg never happened. And I can't face it alone. Ironically, I need Greg to get through Christmas without Greg.
“It's permanent,” I blurt out. “He's getting married. This divorce is permanent.”
“Oh, honey,” Fae, who is sitting beside me and has been quiet up to this point, wraps an arm around me and pulls me in close. “It was always final. You just needed to see it.”
“You could come and spend Christmas with Max, Tate, and me,” Jenna says. “We have nothing special going on. Tate will mostly be busy with his friends, and Max is, well, Max. He won’t notice an extra body kicking around.”
I swipe a tear from my eye. “Thanks, Jenna. But I'll have my girls. I'm just being dramatic.” It galls me that I am thinking the same way as Greg, but there it is. I can’t face spending Christmas with Jenna’s family. It will be too much of a reminder that mine ditched me.
“You can come over to Vancouver,” Marisol says. “I don't have anything planned. Zeke has a big case he's working on. He'll probably be relieved that I'll have something to do during the holidays, so he can put the extra work hours in guilt-free.”
“Or you can hang with me,” Fae says, tightening her grip on my shoulder. “Ari said he needs space over the holidays, so I’m flying solo this year.”
I send Fae a sympathetic look. Her relationship with Ari is a more tumultuous version of Marisol’s on-again-off-again relationship with Zeke.
“Wait,” Kelsey says, perking up. “Are we all basically alone this Christmas?”
“Well, my parents invited me to go on some cruise with my happily married siblings, but I pretty much would rather do anything than be the fifth-wheel in that circus,” Charlotte says.
“And I’m technically spending it with my husband and son...” Jenna says.
Kelsey leaps up, holding her Winter Sea Breeze in the air in a toast. Dread grips my stomach before she even begins to talk. Kelsey has had some crazy ideas in her time, and I can already feel like this is going to be one of them.
“Let's have Christmas together. I already know the perfect place. It's remote. It's beautiful. And it’s all Christmas.”
Everyone's eyes snap to Kelsey. She is grinning from ear to ear, not even noticing that her butt is sticking into the table next to us. The panic rises. I don't want to go away for Christmas. I want Christmas to be at my house with my kids. I don't want new plans. I want the old ones.
“Where is this place?” Charlotte asks.
“On the Alberni Inlet. It's called Christmas Cove, if you can believe it. It'll be amazing. Who’s in?”
The table erupts into chaos. Something passes between Jenna and Kelsey, but the server arrives with our drinks, and I forget about it, grabbing hold of mine and taking a gentle sip this time. The first one is already muddling my thoughts, and I need to keep my head clear. If I am not careful, I am going to end up agreeing to one of Kelsey's crazy capers.
And you never know where they will end up.
Charlotte, Marisol, and Fae are in immediately. Jenna and I are the only holdouts. I can understand where Jenna is coming from. She is married with a kid. She has responsibilities. She is tied here for Christmas. Just like me.
“No. I can't,” I say firmly, shaking my head.
“But,” Kelsey says, “this is perfect. You don't have to be alone.”
“But I'm not going to be alone. My girls will be there.” The panic surges. “I changed my mind. Let's go to the nightclub.”
I can't deal with Kelsey's idea. There is a part of me that wants to run to Christmas Cove and hide from reality. But there is an equally powerful part that wants to stay put in case Greg changes his mind. I know it is desperate. I know it is pathetic. But it is where I am right now.
I need to get Kelsey's mind off this crazy scheme before I do something even stupider than blabbing my pathetic story to a random hot guy.