When I woke the next morning I was afraid to open my eyes. The headache was sure to be there. As I lay there, trying to decide if my stomach felt queasy, the full memory of the previous day, the almost-kiss with Will, and White softly dismissing me with sorrow on his face, made me sit straight up.
The headache and the queasy feeling were overwhelming and sent me running to the bathroom where I sat on the cold tile until the feeling passed.
I filled the sink with cold water, bent over and dunked my head in.
Maybe he doesn’t know for sure that Will tried to kiss me.
I considered taking in a deep breath while under water. Instead, I held my breath for as long as I could then drained the water and brushed my teeth.
The hangover subsided as I showered. Almost like I was washing it down the drain. But, what I really needed was some food and I didn’t have anything acceptable in my cupboards.
I briefly considered calling Black, my usual morning company, but needed some female companionship.
I had overslept and taken my time in the shower so I knew Gabriella would already be in the office. That meant it was either her company or breakfast. I couldn’t have both.
To hell with it. Maybe I can talk White into letting her come to breakfast with me.
I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him right now, yet I really wanted to know how he’d treat me, now that we were both sober.
My heart beat heavily as I forced myself out of my apartment and into the elevator.
Gabriella was at her desk as I suspected and jumped to her feet when I walked in.
She let out a jovial, “Hey!” making me wince.
Rounding the corner of her desk she pulled my face into her hands and looked me over.
“You look a little green, but you healed up nicely from your mugging.”
“Had several too many last night.”
“Ahh—” she smiled and resumed her position behind her desk.
“Do you think White would let you go out for breakfast with me?” I pointed to his closed office door.
“Probably not since he isn’t here yet. Your late night have anything to do with his?” Her eyebrows wagged up and down.
“Kind of, just not in the way you are suggesting.” I sighed.
“Everything okay, hon?”
“Yeah. I just wanted to talk. You know, girl time.”
“We can talk now,” she offered.
“I have to get something to eat before the hangover has a chance to regain its fury.”
“That bad, huh?”
I nodded.
“You better eat, then. We can talk later.”
My puke green Mustang was in its spot in the garage. It felt good to slide behind the wheel of my favorite possession.
I chose a quiet little restaurant and had a very quiet breakfast before I took a quiet drive around the city.
Though I’d felt mostly alone for the past four months I realized now that I had never been alone. I found it refreshing to be out on my own again. The only drawback was that my mind would not shut up about Will and White.
After more than an hour of driving aimlessly and dwelling on nothing but White I decided to just ignore my worry. What was done was done and even if White never spoke to me again I would not actually die. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t. There was no point in going over it in my mind for eternity.
Eventually, my car found its way to my parent’s place. I almost drove back to the guesthouse from habit, but parked in the front drive instead.
When I reached the front door I hesitated. Should I ring the bell? Should I just walk in like I still lived here? I felt a little out of place so I opted for the ring the bell approach.
No one was answering. I debated on whether I should leave or try the door when my mother appeared.
“Alex. You’re home.” She pulled me into a tight embrace.
“Hi, Mom.” I managed after she released me.
“Get in here.”
She beamed as she pulled me across the threshold and walked in the direction of the kitchen. My nose picked up so many different aromas I had trouble separating them. I thought I detected lavender for a fleeting second and just as quickly I smelled something minty. The scents overwhelmed me and I gave up trying to figure out what they were.
I took a seat at the kitchen table that was covered with metal tubes and various powders and vials of liquid.
“What’s all this?” I picked up a small glass container labeled Eucalyptus Oil.
“I’ve decided to make my own candles and bath salts. I even make shampoo and lotion.” She brought over a plastic bottle of what I assumed was lotion.
“Try it.” She pushed the bottle into my hands.
I lifted the bottle to my nose and was pleased with the smell.
“What scent is this?” Having it close to my face helped to single out the aroma against all the others in the air. It was fresh and clean smelling.
“Cucumber melon. I thought you’d like that one. You can have it.”
As I put some on my hands and started to rub it in she started firing off her questions about what I’d been doing.
I filled her in on everything I did for EOD and flight training and she surprised me with some of the technical questions she asked.
I knew that she had left the Penumbra legacy to me, but we had never talked shop all that much. Every time we did I felt strange. There was this huge part of my mother I never knew existed. I had always thought her main role in life was to cook dinner and satisfy her curiosity with domestic hobbies like making candles and lotions and even taking the danger up a notch and working with power tools. It was always surprising that my mother knew so much about my chosen profession.
“Any jobs lately?” she finally asked.
“No. I’ve been out of touch because of the training and if there were any offers White didn’t bring them to my attention.”
Her question brought me back to Lima for a brief moment. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I worried she might wonder if I was the right person for the job. White had told me all was fine, but I knew I’d screwed up in Lima. Flores had seen me, attacked me and even hurt me. It took me a couple weeks to get back to my normal self. Then I was brought back even further to the day I asked White how often I might expect to get Penumbra jobs. Was it normal to go months without a contract?
“Is that unusual?” I asked.
“No. Why do you think I do stuff like this?” She gestured toward the cluttered table. “I had to find something to occupy my time. At least you have White and Associates and on the job training to keep you busy. What I wouldn’t have given to have had your distractions.”
“I’m not so sure you’d want my distractions.” My mind went directly to White. “At least you’ve always had Dad.”
“Ah… your dad.” She smiled. “Yes, he’s a good man and he loves me. Not that there weren’t plenty of other men out there that couldn’t have loved me.” She made a flourish with her hands to indicate her figure. This made us both laugh. “What makes your dad special is that I love him, too.”
I stayed until she asked me if I was going to join them for dinner.
“No. I better go. I’ve been gone for a long time and I haven’t really had the chance to talk with White yet. Maybe he does have a job for me and I just don’t know it.”
“Knock ‘em dead,” She said and I knew it wasn’t just an expression.
Back at the office building I struggled with where to go. I pressed the seventh floor but immediately pushed the twelfth when the doors opened to the floor where White was sure to be.
Inside my apartment, I paced. I wanted to call White. I wanted to find out if what Will said was true. The hurt in his eyes last night made me hope that Will had been right, but that same hurt made it impossible for me to pick up my phone or walk back to the elevator. Instead I continued to pace until someone knocked at my door.
I literally jumped a few extra inches with my next pacing step. Please be him. I begged of anyone or anything that might be listening.
When I opened the door Red pushed past me carrying a bag from a nearby Chinese restaurant.
“I brought dinner.”
My jaw dropped. Red had never brought me food before. I wondered what he wanted, so I asked.
“I thought we should catch up.” He pulled food from the bag and readied the plates and utensils.
I joined him at my kitchen bar.
“Is this doctor-patient?”
“Partly. I need to keep up on your state of mind but I thought dinner could be nice. The bar setting I have upstairs helps loosen the men’s tongues, but it’s not so good on you.”
I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling upward as he dished up our plates.
“Do you want some pepper steak?” He held up a huge spoonful of food.
“Sure.” I took a seat in front of the plate he’d already covered with rice.
He always seemed to have an ulterior motive. I wondered what it was this time. His most recent behavior had me on edge, and though I remembered a brief time in which we actually got along, I wasn’t ready to just let him back in with open arms.
We ate in silence for at least five minutes before he asked how I felt about my recent EOD training.
I told him it had probably been my least favorite activity since joining White and Associates.
“Why’s that?”
“It’s the possibility of blowing up with my project that I don’t like.”
“I thought you would’ve liked having the power.”
“It can be empowering, but it’s too nerve-racking. I can take all the precautions and still not have full control. Most accidents in this line of work, if the person is careful and diligent, are caused by outside influences beyond our knowledge or power.”
“So it makes you feel out of control?”
This type of question coming from Red always put me on edge. I hate being judged.
“I guess.”
“That’s the same reason I don’t care for EOD.”
His admission took a little of the edge off.
Did he want me to add something after his admission? There was no way I was going to.
We ate in silence for a few minutes more before his questions began again.
“Going back a little. I’d like to hear about the training op you and Black did in Wyoming. Did you enjoy it?”
“I guess it was fun.”
“How about flight training? What did you think of that?”
“Flight training and flying are probably my favorite things I’ve done since I joined up.” My attitude lifted some with the change of topic.
“Does that have anything to do with your instructor?”
He never failed to piss me off, but I held my composure.
“Do you mean Brown or Malone? Because I’ve developed a fondness for both of them.”
“Do you care more for one or the other?”
“What does this have to do with my job here?”
“Actually.” He looked me straight in the face. “A lot.”
“And why’s that?”
“You work with both Brown and Will and an unprofessional relationship could result in problems.”
“Do you have problems working with Lacewell?” I asked. Special Agent Lacewell worked for the NSA and we sometimes did jobs for or with her. I’d noticed Red had a soft spot for her.
“What?”
“Do you?”
“Of course not.”
“Then consider that my answer. Moving along.” I slid my plate away.
“Alex, I’m just trying to get a handle on things. If any of us are involved in a relationship outside the company I keep tabs to make sure it doesn’t affect our work.”
“I suppose that’s a tiring job. Keeping track of so many men’s sex lives, especially with men like Brown and White.” I only meant White, but I added Brown’s name in there to throw him off a bit.
“Brown is a bit of a challenge but White hasn’t been active on the scene since you joined the company. He’s part of the reason I asked about Will.”
“You didn’t ask about Will,” I argued. “You asked about my flight training instructor. You don’t talk to me, Red. You talk about me or at me. If you want to know something it would be a lot more respectful to just ask.” Even though I thought I did a good job of turning it all back on Red, my thoughts centered on White.
“Fine. I’ll spell it out.” He pushed his own plate away.
“White hasn’t come straight out and told me that he has feelings for you but it’s obvious by his lack of interest in other women since you came along. That being noticed and now said, I worry that if you start a relationship with his little brother it could spell trouble for all of us.”
“To get you off my ass I’ll le you know I have no intentions of starting a relationship with Will, other than one of friendship, and Will is also aware of this. If White has a problem with me becoming friends with his little brother then I’d say he’s the only one with problems. That means you’re speaking with the wrong person. And, for your information, White hasn’t come to see me since I’ve been back. Hell, he hasn’t even called me.”
I stood and moved to the other side of the bar and repacked his food into his bag. He didn’t take the hint and went back to eating so I dropped my uneaten food into the trash with emphasis. Some of the rice flew back up and landed on my shirt. I wiped it away.
Figures. I’m trying to make a point and I just made a fool of myself.
“The job you have doesn’t lend itself well to a long term relationship. You know that, right? All that time away and not being able to talk about what you really do with anyone. It’s not good for your mental state. I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long.”
“I have plenty of people to talk to. You just aren’t one of them and that really bothers you, doesn’t it?” Red wore an amused expression so I turned away from him, grabbed my keys and told him to clean up and lock up when he was finished.
I took the stairs to the roof where I spent an hour watching the traffic below.
The door to the roof groaned open. “Red. Leave me the hell alone,” I said without turning around.
“It’s not Red.”
“White.” I turned sharply.
“Red told me he pissed you off again because he’d asked about your relationship with Will.” He’d walked over to me and stood looking out at the traffic.
“What else did he tell you?” I asked.
“Not much. Did you tell him about us?” He gave me a level look.
“No. You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone about that.” Tears welled up and I bit my lip to stop them.
“You told Will something.” I felt his eyes boring into me.
I’d hoped Will would have kept my confession of love a secret, but they were brothers. What did I expect?
“I said that because Will practically asked me to marry him and I panicked.” A single tear escaped and I moved as fast as I could to wipe it away. “He said he wouldn’t say anything.”
“He asked you to marry him?” White stopped abruptly.
“He didn’t get down on one knee or anything. He just said that he had a life plan mapped out and I could fit into that plan. Then he started talking about getting married and having kids. I just blurted it out.”
“He didn’t tell me exactly what you said. He just said you had plenty to say.”
“Oh. I didn’t tell him we’d actually—you know.”
“What did you say?”
The Chinese food Red had tricked me into eating threatened to reappear. “Nothing really.”
He reached over and took my hands in his and turned me toward him. “If you can tell Will, why can’t you tell me?”
I fidgeted. There was a piece of rice still on my shoe. My hands were cold and I felt White’s warmth on them.
“Why should I tell you?” I pulled my hands away. “You couldn’t even call me after I got back.”
“Will went up to see you as soon as he was done in my office and then I saw the two of you leave together. How was I supposed to call you?”
“You knew I’d left with Will?”
“Of course I did.” He reached up and picked a piece of rice from my hair. “And I knew Will’s intentions.”
“Why didn’t you call me when I was in training?” My voice wavered.
“I did. Brown said you didn’t need any more distractions because you were struggling with EOD.”
“You called?”
“Yes.” Again, he reached for my hands.
My arms were heavy but I lifted my hands to meet White’s. As soon as I was in his grip I held on tight. “I missed you.” I looked into his eyes.
He pulled me in for a long, deep kiss and then held me close. “I missed you, too.”
We stood in each other’s arms for a long time before we parted.
“Red knows.” White said.
“Did he tell you he knows?”
“No. But, he’s been distant and quite pleased with himself since I shipped you off for EOD. He knows something and from the questions he’s been asking, it has to be about us.”
“Maybe we should just tell the guys.”
In some ways I was more than ready to try this in public. It would be a relief and I knew it would boost my confidence in White’s feelings and future intentions. Yet, I didn’t know if I was ready to answer any questions or deal with the possible consequences.
“Maybe. Red’s actually called a meeting in—” he glanced at his watch, “ten minutes. I need you there. I think he’s going to tell everyone that you and I are a couple.”
“Part of me wants to tell, but the other part worries.” I admitted to him.
“I want nothing more than to tell every single man on this planet that you belong to me. But, I don’t want to have to defend our relationship.”
We stood silent for a few minutes more before White said, “Red wants me to send you off for isolation training next.”
I stepped back from the embrace. “How long will that take?”
“Probably at least a month.”
“What do you think?” I clenched my fists. I’d wait to hear White’s opinion before I told him mine. But, if he agreed with Red one more time I’d end this right now. White might find himself trying to learn to fly as he fell from the roof.
“I think you’ve been gone too much lately. But, if you want to do this, I’ll understand.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I’d like to hang out here for a while.”
“Good. I think Red’s just trying to keep us apart. You will have to do the training at some point, though.”
“That’s fine. I just don’t want to take off tomorrow or any time this week.” I took a breath. “What’re we going to tell the guys if Red brings up our relationship?”
“We’re going to admit it and start going out on dates. I wanted to be more confident in this before we told our partners, but it seems like we’ll get no privacy now.” He gently touched my face. “It’ll make our time apart easier if—” he smiled his wicked smile, “if I can actually mark my territory.”
I laughed. “We need to invest in a Sharpie marker. I can write my name on the bottom of your foot and you can write yours on mine.”
“The thing is, you’ll never be mine. I could never hope to contain you. You are so much more than meets the eye and could never be domesticated. All I can hope for is to be by your side when you decide what you’re going to do next.”
Again, I laughed. “I’ve been yours since I was twelve.”
“Twelve?” His brow furrowed and he cocked his head to the side.
“The first time I ever saw you.” I looked at the ground in embarrassment.
“When you were twelve?”
“Yes. You came to my house to talk with my dad, remember?”
“I remember that. That’s how old you were? Man, I feel old.”
We stood in silence for less than a minute before he checked his watch again. “It’s almost show time. You ready?”
“I guess. The clandestine meetings were fun while they lasted, at least.”
“No. They weren’t.”
“What?” My stomach hit the floor. Had I really been that bad?
“I can’t stand the way other men look at you. Like— like you’re available and they might have a chance. I really need to get it out there. Watching you leave with Will yesterday just about killed me. I hadn’t even gotten the chance to talk to you were gone again. This will be better. I won’t have to make excuses anymore. I can just do what I want to.”
“What if Red’s meeting is about something else?” I still held out hope we could do this on our terms instead of Red’s.
“Are you serious about us?” His voice held a slight quiver.
“Yes. You?” As soon as I asked I was terrified of the answer.
“Serious and ready. Lets go get this over with. We can deal with the fallout together.”