A hulking military officer sauntered toward them, backlit by the florescent glare of the hallway. The sergeant, the private, and Ozzie all puffed out their chests and struck a stiff posture. Rice mimicked the soldiers, while Zack slouched wearily with his hands in his pockets. NotGreg sat cross-legged on the ground behind them and sighed. Madison shot the officer a tired peace sign and said, “Hey.” Twinkles woofed.
“At ease,” Colonel Briggs bellowed. “Now, what’s going on?”
“Zombie smuggling, sir!” Sergeant Patrick announced, pointing at Zoe.
“Harboring zombies is a serious offense.” The colonel’s jaw flexed as he watched the zombified girl grunt and twitch.
“Son, we’re in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, and you decide to break a direct order to screw around with these delinquent hooligans? I’m very disappointed in you, Oswald.”
Ozzie kicked the dirt, mumbling curses.
“With all due respect, Mr. Colonel, sir,” Rice interrupted, “your son saved our butts back there. And if it wasn’t for him, we all might have been killed, and then there wouldn’t be any more cure.”
“Cure?” Colonel Briggs looked puzzled.
“That’s right, Colonel,” Rice continued. “Madison’s a ginkgo biloba–infused super-vegan with serious antidote potential.”
“Somebody better start makin’ some sense,” Briggs said. Rice opened his mouth to continue. “Anyone but you,” said the colonel. He looked at Zack. “What about you, kid? Do you talk or what?”
Zack gulped. “Well, sir…Madison here was bitten by zombie Greg, who was zombified by zombie Twinkles, who got zombified by a zombie burger—only Madison didn’t zombify, because of the ginkgo. But then zombie Greg unzombified after biting her, and so did zombie Twinkles, which means that she’s the zombie antidote…according to Rice.”
The colonel stared blankly, then blinked. “Kid, I don’t know what the zombie you’re talking about, but that’s just about the biggest whopper I’ve ever heard.”
“Not Whoppers,” Rice corrected. “BurgerDogs.”
“BurgerDog?”
“It’s that new fast-food joint, sir,” said the Sergeant.
“You know: ‘The burger that tastes like a dog,’” Private Michaels sang the advertising jingle.
“Yeah, exactly.” Zack nodded quickly. “The burgers are carrying the zombie virus, but Madison’s immune to zombification because she’s a vegan and she drinks, like, tons of this ginkgo biloba water.”
“Ginkgo baloney! It sounds to me like y’all evaded mandatory inspection and trespassed on restricted government property.”
Zoe let out a snot-strangled grunt.
“Why is that thing still sucking air, Sergeant?” Colonel Briggs asked.
Zack ran up to the colonel. “Sir, please, wait!”
“Young man, right now our top priority is eradicating every one of these brain-munchin’ hell-demons so the rest of us can survive.”
Zombie Zoe snapped and gargled inside her protective headgear. “I mean, look at her.” Briggs sighed. “It’s a no-brainer.”
“Permission to terminate, Colonel.” Private Michaels reached for his weapon.
“Wait!” Madison shouted. “I’ll prove it.” She hobbled past the two soldiers. Briggs raised his eyebrows.
“Madison, what are you doing?” Zack asked. “You don’t want to get bitten again.”
“Just thought of something. Watch.” She unraveled a section of the blood-soaked bandage wrapped around her zombie bite and dangled the red-stained gauze through Zoe’s facemask.
They all watched Zack’s sister chew and swallow the crimson gauze like a hungry llama at a petting zoo. The seconds plodded by, and Zoe’s subhuman moan subsided. The bumpy welts on her face began to simmer. Then the growling stopped altogether, and Zoe went limp.
A few moments later her eyes popped open, and her angry gaze settled on Zack. “You are dead meat, little bro!”
“Nuh-uh,” NotGreg said. “You were the dead one….”
“Shut up, Greg!” Zoe made an unpleasant face.
“That’s NotGreg,” Rice informed her.
“Yes, it is,” she said sternly.
“No,” Rice retorted. “It’s Not.”
“Just untie me,” Zoe demanded, squirming furiously. Nobody moved. “Now!”
NotGreg scrambled to his feet, yanked off Zoe’s chinstrap, and removed the helmet. He uncoiled the length of Mr. BowWow’s leash that was wrapped around her body, and Zoe sat up.
“Sweet Moses!” the sergeant exclaimed. Colonel Briggs’s mouth hung open as they both stared at the girl in disbelief.
“Why don’t you guys take a picture?” Zoe snapped. “It’ll last longer.”
Colonel Briggs and Sergeant Patrick huddled up, muttering in the hushed tones of adults devising secret plans.
“OMG, Mad, what happened?” Zoe gasped at her BFF. “I mean, you look really bad.”
Not as bad as you, Zack thought.
His sister’s face was still covered with snarled patches of fungal rot, and her black bangs were matted to her forehead like the shiny jaws of some black desert beetle. But despite her bedraggled appearance and a few open sores, Zoe was completely human once again.
“I remember you being way prettier, Mad,” Zoe went on rudely.
“You remember?” Rice asked.
“Of course I do, my little Johnston….” Zoe was practically the only person who didn’t call Rice by his last name. “I remember you being the nerdiest little nerd that ever nerded.”
“She seems totally normal,” Madison whispered to Zack.
“Oh yeah?” Rice shot back. “Well, you probably don’t have any brain damage, because you’d have to have a brain for that.”
Zoe raised her fist as if she was going to punch him. Rice recoiled and received two jabs in his upper arm.
“Listen, guys,” Ozzie interrupted. “I don’t mean to break up the reunion here, but my dad says we gotta get goin’….”
A few floors and a couple of elevators later, they reached a small, locked room off a narrow hallway.
“Ten-hut!” Colonel Briggs stopped and pressed his right palm on a black touch screen that scanned his handprint. He then pressed his eyeball up to a retinal recognition scanner, and the door handle blipped green.
“Welcome, Colonel,” a woman’s futuristic voice greeted him.
Zack peeked inside, expecting something straight out of a sci-fi movie, but the room was no bigger than a utility closet and contained just a red rotary phone mounted on the wall. Colonel Briggs entered the room and extracted a silver chain with a single silver key from the front of his shirt. He flipped a few knobs on the switchboard and inserted the key into the old-school phone. Then he picked up the receiver and dialed three times: seven-seven-seven.
Clickclick-clickclick-clickclick-ding!
“This is Colonel Briggs requesting immediate Psy Ops rendezvous with Tucson AFB…. Uh-huh…We’ve got a little girl here who may be the key to this whole zombie fiasco….” Colonel Briggs pinched his forehead and appeared to be deep in thought before launching into a complex series of code words: Eagle. Phoenix. Panda. Godfather. Running Dog. Niner. Pancake.
“What’s going on?” Rice asked.
“Looks like he’s callin’ in the big boys,” Private Michaels responded. “Your friend’s going to Washington. Probably get to see the White House…maybe even meet the prez.”
“Zack, I’m scared,” Madison said meekly. The sergeant and the private were now carrying her on Ozzie’s stretcher. “What are they gonna do with me?”
“Just wait and see what happens, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
No, Zack thought.
“Of course,” he assured her.
“Roger that.” The colonel hung up and turned to his men. “Take her down to medical and get her patched up before liftoff. I’ll meet you on the helipad.”
“Yes, sir!” They saluted in unison and started off down the hall with Madison.
“Wait!” Madison yelled, clutching Twinkles to her chest. “Don’t I even get to say good-bye?”
Colonel Briggs grunted, checking his watch. “Make it quick.”
The whole gang crowded around Sergeant Patrick and Private Michaels.
“Thanks for saving me at Albertsons, Madison,” Rice spoke first. “You were pretty cool tonight.”
“Thanks, nerd.” She held out her hand, balled into a fist. Rice gave her a pound and stepped away.
Now Zack stood in front of Madison.
“Zack, I don’t know what to say.” Madison looked at him, teary-eyed. “If it wasn’t for you, we’d all be zombies right now. Well, maybe not me, but you know…” She put her arms out for a friendly hug, and Twinkles licked Zack’s nose as he awkwardly embraced her.
NotGreg smiled and clasped his hands with approval, on the verge of happy tears. Zoe made a loud gagging sound.
“And Zoe,” Madison addressed her BFF. “I know you think your brother’s pretty lame…but he’s not that bad.”
Zoe nodded her head as if she finally understood. “You’ve lost a lot of blood, sweetie. And you’re delusional, so I’ll forgive you. Now I think you should let these nice hunky army guys take you to a doctor and make sure it’s nothing permanent.”
“All right, now,” Colonel Briggs exhaled. “Does everyone feel all warm and fuzzy?” They all nodded. “Well, isn’t that nice. Move out!”
“Good-bye, Ammonia.” NotGreg frowned as the soldiers carted Madison and Twinkles away. “It was nice meeting you!”
