Step 1: Bag Up. Large purses come in handy here. Ladies, pull out the fattest potato sack you got and sling it across your shoulder with pride. For everyone else, you can try a bulky backpack or shopping bag. Business folks can pull off the classy briefcase. Moms can use the false bottom of a diaper bag. The only thing to avoid are Matrix-style trench coats with burrito dents in all the inside pockets.
Step 2: Food Up. Stuff that puppy with gummy worms, bubble tape, and cinnamon buns. If you’re feeling risky, throw in a couple cold and slippery cans of soda, a bag of microwave popcorn, or a pocket flask. Know your limits, though. Steamy meatball subs and hot soups in thermoses are for experts only.
Step 3: Walk Up. Confidence is everything. Hold your head high, strut a mean strut, and you’ll be just fine. No ticket ripper should say anything, but if you do happen to get caught you can always pretend you’re diabetic. “Honestly, these are prescription Pop Rocks.”
Step 4: Eat Up. Tear open the bag of chips with your teeth, crack the soda during a gunfight, and shake the Nerds during the Spanish dance sequence. Just get in there and get munching.