Crack that back.
Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. Here’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones:
1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here—you’re just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long deep grunts to feel the stretchy buzz in the small of your back.
2. The Starfish. This is where you lie in bed and stretch your arms up to the sides and your legs down and out. The starfish works best if your girlfriend’s out of town or you manage to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself. Arty nerds might refer to this move as The Vitruvian Man.
3. The Old Man Can Walk Again. When I lived in Boston, my roommate Joey was famous for this. You’d hear his bedroom door creak open and he’d slowly inch out—hunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he’d give a few wheezy groans and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.
4. The Yogi Master. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down a mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.
5. The Cobra. Here’s where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.
6. The Safety Stretch. Your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later so you’re careful not to wake them up. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it’s not as rewarding a stretch but it beats accidentally punching them in the temple while they’re drooling and dreaming.
7. The Ballet Dancer. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you’re about to hit the stage. (Tutu optional but recommended.)
8. The Dog Leg. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast that one leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably. Your thumping dog leg lets you know the stretch is working.
Now, no matter your style, it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and pop all your bones into place.